8 years, what do others think?

[eugopnosaj]

Sorry this is going to be long: -

 

So my girlfriend and I had been together for 3 months shy of 8 years when she decided that it was not working and she was going to leave me. Naturally I am devastated and desperately want to get things right and get back with her. I know that this will be a lengthy process but i need some advice, i need to hear what other people think of the situation. Im just so confused as there was mixed signals left when she ended it.

 

There have been a few ups and downs through our relationship much like most but we always seemed to get through it. She always wanted me, always liked me, even when she set me up with one of her friends she wanted to be with me. We got together after kissing at a friends party and kept the relationship a secret from our friends for a long time, mostly because she was still in a relationship (it wasn't a major one and they'd only been together a little while) and was in the process of getting out of it. I was 17 and she was 16 (now 25 and 24). I'd been hurt before and it took me a long time to accept that i was in a relationship and that she'd chosen me over anyone else. She knew this and appreciated it and eventually we were calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

We hooked up whilst at college together and were on the same course so saw each other every day. Everything was great, it took us awhile to 'cement' the relationship because neither of us were ready and we were ok to wait. The first mishap happened during the second year, she got a guitar for her birthday and I was jealous, i'd always wanted one and for some reason i told her i was jealous. I eventually got one but later i learnt that she was so upset that she didn't learn hers, this caused me to be even more upset and felt i didn't deserve to learn mine. Towards the end of the second year she won an award and I got upset and jealous again because it turned out that it was between me and her.

 

(I now realise that there were some underlying childhood issues which i am working through)

 

We both went to university together and had a great time, nothing really major happened in terms of damaging the relationship and so another 3 years went on. When we finished university she said all she wanted to do was live with me but i said i wasnt ready yet, i still wanted to live with a few friends because i'd never get to do it again. She said she understood but i dont think she ever got over that.

 

The 3rd time i hurt her was on her birthday, i'd had a really bad day at work and she'd done something to p*** me off so i ended up just ignoring her the whole night. We were supposed to go out for a meal with her family the day after and she asked me not to go. I thought that it was over. We talked and got through it and I'd bought her this book that she always wanted and wrote a message in there. She later proceeded to send me an email saying that it meant so much to her me buying the book and writing a message and she felt we were stronger now than ever.

 

Now I've always had a problem telling people how i really felt and opening up and i wasnt always able to tell her I loved her and how much she meant to me. She knew this and said it didnt matter that i didnt say i loved her when she said it to me because she knew i did. I tried, i tried so hard but i just couldn't.

 

(again, this is due to childhood issues and never feeling loved and that i belonged, something that I am now working through in counselling)

 

This was obviously an issue and we had a few setbacks, with me saying i'd change etc etc but not being able to. We'd be on the rocks for a little while and i'd do something crazy romantic and all would be good.

 

A friend from uni got a job in the local area and asked if we wanted to move in with him, at this point both myself and my ex were living with our parents and we thought this would be a good opportunity to save money and move out so we said we would. My friend moved into the spare room at my mums for a little while before he got his own place and eventually we moved in with him.

 

The first week was bad, it was awkward and because i wasn't very good at showing emotion i closed off, stopped talking to both her and my friend and this upset her dearly. Her mum even went as far as saying to her 'he better make that up to you'. We talked about it and decided that we weren't happy and were going to find our own place. We looked for places to rent but nothing was suitable so i suggested we buy a place and stay at the friends house until we found somewhere. We made an offer on one place and it fell through. Eventually we found a place we both loved and were ready to sign the paperwork, everything was in place but the sellers were being awkward and in the end we pulled out. I told her that i didnt want to rent as it was dead money but that we should talk to our friend and stay there a bit longer and decorate and make his house a nicer place to live, but that it would be her decision since she ultimately wanted to move out. I said i would live with her there, or to buy a house. She chose to stay and said that she was more excited to decorate, that we should go on holidays and save more money for a house.

 

Valentines day of this year also caused an issue. Last year was great, and so was the year before but we've never been huge fans and usually stayed in with a takeaway with each of us planning what to do for the following year. We stayed in but with the friend did too, she said she didnt mind. We didn't 'cement' that night and a couple of days later she wrote me a letter, talking about her feelings and that she didnt think there was a spark. We talked and worked things out. The following weekend i treated her to a proper valentines day, booked a restaurant and a hotel for the night and it was amazing and everything went back to normal.

 

Naturally there are other small niggles but nothing that was really major but i guess everything builds up. On the 4th october she said she needed space, that she was going to stay at her parents for a while. She came back on the 6th with her suitcase saying she was leaving, i locked myself in the bathroom and i could hear her sister crying. My ex knocked on the bathroom door and asked if she could come in. We had a bit of an argument and she shouted at me, she'd never shouted before. She was saying things like 'i shouldn't have to tell you to tell me you love me, im your girlfriend, you should tell me im beautiful'. She then asked if i would go back with her to her parents and talk things through.

 

We talked and she asked if i remembered things about our past, i said i did but i couldnt remember a lot.

 

(this was all suppressed with my emotions and since going to counselling i pretty much remember everything)

 

We decided to continue but start things slowly. We didnt actually break up and never had all the times we 'tried again'. I went home and that was it. She text me on the 7th Oct (sunday) asking if i wanted to see a film with her on the wednesday i said yes and i paid for the tickets and the meal and got her flowers. The evening went really good, i walked her to her car where she proceeded to drop me off at mine (i did offer to pick her up but she was busy with school and was running late) And we embraced in the car and she started crying, saying that this is what she wanted and she couldnt believe she nearly broke up with me and would never see me again.

 

That first week we exchanged messages and spoke on the phone and she was constantly telling me how much she loved me (more than i knew) and missed me but this was the right thing to do. She arranged for us to meet at the weekend and we spend the day together just walking in the park. She continued to make plans for us, saying that even though we weren't living together she wanted to hold christmas and have all the family over. She also made plans for the October half term (she's a teacher) and suggested i take a few days off so we could spent it together. As she was moving into her own flat she even made plans for a short lease and talked about what we would do after the lease was up. I said that i would rent with her or look for another house.

 

The evening of the saturday we were both going to different outings, i had a friends pub quiz (who was raising money) and she was at a friends 30th. She text me saying that she wanted me, lots and that she should come and see me. She then said that she thought it was too soon and said sorry but that we would spend the following weekend together and she'd stay over.

 

The next week started ok, we were going to go to the pub quiz on the money but she got tied up with school work. Naturally i was also busy that week with other things and we didn't really get the chance to talk but we texted however it wasn't that often. I panicked on the Thursday and sent some messages saying i thought she was ignoring me and she replied saying it wasn't on purpose she just still didnt know what she wanted, that she 'didn't know how to be happy'.

 

On the Saturday 20th Oct she text me in the morning asking if i was about as she was coming over. I knew what was going to happen, she got out the car with her suitcase and said that was it. It wasn't working. She said not to contact her, i asked if there was anyone else she said no, but it would have been easier if there was because then i could hate her. I don't hate her. I asked if we could ever get back together she said she didnt know, and if we did she'd always remember how i hurt her.

 

I didnt text her or anything but after a week i did try to talk to her sisters. I'd made the really hard decision that i needed proper help to work out why i couldnt open up and we have made some great progress so naturally i wanted her to find out what i was doing.

 

She contacted my friend saying she wanted to talk to him and he suggested that i write a short letter that he could give to her. I did express some of my feelings but i spoke more about me, i didnt beg or say i wanted her back but that i had things i wanted to tell her and hoped that one day i'd get the chance. He gave her the letter and she cried but told him she didnt want a relationship, with me or anyone else at the moment, she wanted to be herself and find herself. He said to tell me not to contact her or her family and that was it.

 

During the whole thing she never once said she didnt love me, or didnt want to be with me. The text messages prior were the opposite and she made plans for our future, SHE made the plans, not me. I realise i didnt give her the space she needed when she asked for it but who does? I panicked because i felt her slipping away.

 

I love her so much but i dont want a second chance i want a brand new start. To learn about her again after she has found herself, to show her the true me, the one who can express himself, to tell her things that i was never able to. Its now been 4 weeks since she walked out but technically only 2 1/2 since NC but she never replied directly to me after the letter.

 

She's moving into her flat on 3rd december but still has all her stuff at our friends house. Its boxed up and im currently staying at my mum's house because i can't bear to see the empty space.

 

Sorry for the long post, but 8 years has a lot of history. I know she was happy but somewhere we both lost our way, ive had a few job issues and im not 100% happy in it whereas she loves her job, she was afraid of my commitment but we did talk about marriage and i told her i thought of her in a wedding dress. I even told her i was thinking about proposing next year after we had our house.

 

I'm making a concise effort to fix all the things that went wrong, mostly its down to something inside me preventing me from being the person I should be, for me, my family and for her (and other relationships if this cannot be reconciled).

 

I think she's confused about everything, her emotions, i think she's scared because she does really want to be with me but doesnt want to get hurt again, she's scared of the future and what will happen so she's trying to focus on something she does have control over - her job.

 

My friend even agreed that she was scared and confused after he spoke to her.

 

We were physically intimate 2 days before she walked out and would be every weekend (during the week she went to bed early because she had to get up early for work) and decided she needed space. My mum said that someone who isn't attached to the relationship anymore would lose that want/need to be physical a long time ago but we were still quite active and there was quite a bit of passion involved.

 

I just cant get past the things that she said, about loving me, and missing me, and even the thought of never seeing me again filled her with dread...Ultimately she got overwhelmed and something had to snap, those feelings and beliefs for the future don't just disappear especially when she said she couldn't bear the thought of us breaking up and SHE was the one who made the plans

Edited November 17, 2012 by eugopnosaj

[eugopnosaj]

Reassure herself? of what? That I love her? I told her I loved her, she knows I love her and I'm getting to a point where I can tell her everyday (not that I would tell her everyday but you get the drift). That she loves me? She would tell me all the time, sometimes I could reciprocate, others I could not.

 

The problems over the last year have escalated mostly due to the living arrangement, she wanted to live with only me, I didn't feel ready, she worried in the past about our future, we talked and joked about marriage and children but we both said we weren't ready yet. I think that she was actually ready for marriage, or at least ready for me to propose...

 

We made huge progress in purchasing a house, its just unfortunate that it fell through. I gave her the decision as to whether we would continue the purchase or stay living with a friend and told her that I would be happy either way as we would still be together and I wanted her to be happy where she was living. She chose for us to stay with a friend but perhaps she was just doing this for me?

 

Again, this shows errors in commitment, she was worried about the future, she didn't know where my commitment was and where I wanted it to go (we joked like I said, but it was probably not a joke to her).

 

I realise that I am ready now, and thats not a 'I want to marry her because I've lost her' and that 'i feel its the only way to get her back'. Far from it, I want to marry her because I want to marry her. It wouldn't happen right away anyway, like a year from now most likely anyway.

 

She said she didn't want to leave me, that if the house fell though I wouldn't lose her, the thought of never seeing me again filled her with dread. I can't imagine that it was an easy decision, and one that she is probably going back and forth over whether it was the right decision or not. Whether she will come to the right decision for me, I don't know, only she will know and she doesn't know right now either.

 

She's scared of what will happen, will I be able to tell her I love her? Will we get married? Have kids? Get a house? Will she get hurt again? This is all going through her head at the moment. I've been through hell going through this BU and facing myself in counselling, my past; being bullied, not feeling accepted or loved, failed relationships and my parents broken marriage. I'm going through it to be a better person and to ensure that she doesn't get hurt in the same way as before.

[eugopnosaj]

Wow, 259 views and even the one post I had got deleted....

[Cutiepie1976]

Unfortunately, it doesn't look promising. Possibly too little, too late. Whether you get back together is really up to her at this point.

 

I will say that being with someone who is unable to tell you he loves you is hard. Almost eight years of you verbally withholding the way you felt must have been incredibly tough for her.

 

I would send her a small housewarming gift with a nice note when she moves into her new place. You need to share how much she means to you and how much you truly love her in that note. Otherwise, give her room to figure out what she wants and whether she wants to come back to you.

 

Best!

Edited November 21, 2012 by Cutiepie1976

[eugopnosaj]

Unfortunately, it doesn't look promising. Possibly too little, too late. Whether you get back together is really up to her at this point.

 

I will say that being with someone who is unable to tell you he loves you is hard. Almost eight years of you verbally withholding the way you felt must have been incredibly tough for her.

 

I would send her a small housewarming gift with a nice note when she moves into her new place. You need to share how much she means to you and how much you truly love her in that note. Otherwise, give her room to figure out what she wants and whether she wants to come back to you.

 

Best!

 

Oh don't get me wrong I definately did tell her, just probably not as much as I should have, or as much as she told me. She knew it was hard for me and said that I didn't have to tell her all the time because she knew that I did. She knew through the things that I would do for her.

 

I know I need to give her space, that's all I can give her without pushing her away too much.

[Cutiepie1976]

I don't want to kick you when you're down. Break-ups are painful as it is. But you're rationalizing away the impact of your behavior (or rather the lack of it). What did she tell you as she left? How can that not matter to her? Is it possible that this might have been an ongoing problem whenever she raised a concern? I wasn't there for your relationship. You'll have to think about that one, and whether you minimized and brushed aside things that mattered to her.

 

Grand romantic gestures every so often are nice. So are occasional ILYs. But they don't make up for the small daily things and affectionate statements that most of us need in a relationship. If you feel your behavior was fine, then you two just weren't compatible. It's best to let this go and seek someone who finds your pattern of behavior acceptable. That wasn't her. She tried. Someone else will be a better fit I'm sorry to say.

Edited November 21, 2012 by Cutiepie1976

[eugopnosaj]

Is it possible that this might have been an ongoing problem whenever she raised a concern? I wasn't there for your relationship. You'll have to think about that one, and whether you minimized and brushed aside things that mattered to her.

 

We hardly spoke about serious problems, maybe 2/3 times over the entire relationship and this only came up once recently and it was a strong contender at the end of the relationship and the fall of the house purchase helped to tip it over the edge.

 

I can only rationalize what I know and what she told me. There was reason to my behaviour and I am attending counselling for this, its not as if its something I did on purpose (being bullied, having the belief of not fitting in or being loved, parents divorce when I was younger, my relationship with my father...). My behaviour wasn't fine I know that, and I wasn't as if I did *nothing*.

 

When she left she just said 'it wasn't working', she said she didn't want the 's***' anymore, I asked her what 's***' and she said something about my mum, and the location of where we were buying a house and nothing much else really but she never said it was to do with me not telling her I loved her and that that was the only reason.

 

I do believe we are compatible, and I'm not the only one who thought that and this wasn't told after the relationship ended, we were constantly getting it from people through out. I just think things got too much at the time and something had to give. My parents got back together after a year and they were far less compatible than me and my ex, they were together for 29 years and married for 22 of them.

 

I appreciate everything you've said, and I do understand and see what you're saying, and yes, this might sound like i'm in denial and you're probably going to shake your head at it but i still think she's just unsure and scared about her own feelings. I can tell you for certain that she's in love with me, and its not a GIGS break up as she was in it for the long haul.

 

We will never know and only time will tell *shrug* There's nothing more I can say or do but constantly just over think everything and try and make sense of it, but that won't make anything better

Edited November 22, 2012 by eugopnosaj