veryhappy Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I will hazard a guess that his house is at most 15 min away from a retail area. I doubt he lives on a farm. You want a relationship. MM can't give you a relationship. You are wasting time trying to make a rhino into a peacock. It's like going shopping for shoes at Home Depot. Wrong place to look.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I want myself being happy... Also, as other people had posted, we all know what is right what is not, but words/lectures are always easier to say than action, especially now we are in the middle of it. To pull ourselves out of A is always diffcult to do than just talking about it. I am curious Mount, what is it YOU want? You keep wanting us to tell you what his actions mean, what he's thinking, etc. Where are you in all this? Are you that lonely that you will reduce yourself to being a mistress? Do you really think he has deep, longing, caring feelings for you? He doesn't. He proved that easily by wanting you to stay at his marital home. Guys who 'respect' women don't have affairs, don't dictate to women, don't coerce women, don't manipulate women and for heaven's sake, don't ask their mistress to spend the night in the bed he shares with his WIFE. I am not sure if you really are that naive or you are just looking for attention. Its been 6 months - how many more months are you going to waste being his mistress? He isn't leaving the wife, he doesn't care about you in a caring, loving manner and he probably has other mistresses lined up. Why do you continue to be at his beck and call? What do you want?
Deliciouslildevil Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I have been in an intense affair with MM, and he is a very busy MD, only has time once or twice a week, at times every other week. He goes back and forth if he will one day leave his wife, they have 2 young children. He will ignore my dismayed text, but flatter once again, promising me the world and he has never fallen so hard for anyone like this before. I understand how difficult this is. We work together and this makes it 20x more intense.
Pierre Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Dear Peter - yes pls enlighten me more about how the MM is a loser. You may accept the delusion of some OWs at an intellectual level, however, that does not prevent you from being somewhat delusional about this man and your own situation. Nevertheless, I will say the above is better than being completely ignorant about the subject. Keep working at it!
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 What you mean by "keep working at it" is to leave the affair with MM, correct? First of all, I have to say, it is hard (everyone knew that obviously), I want to try as much as I can to leave the A though. You may accept the delusion of some OWs at an intellectual level, however, that does not prevent you from being somewhat delusional about this man and your own situation. Nevertheless, I will say the above is better than being completely ignorant about the subject. Keep working at it![/QUOTE]
Tenacity Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I agree with Pierre (that's the second time I've said that in two days! I'm in awe of your posts lately Pierre) Mount, what he means is that you are not seeing what's right in front of your face... that this guy is a loser and a user and that you are sacrificing your self-respect by staying in this A.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Ten - yes I am aware of that. As what my last post saying, it is not easy to get out of A. Those replies with postive encouragement are just like Dr.Phil's show, watchable, but hard to follow or doable. I agree with Pierre (that's the second time I've said that in two days! I'm in awe of your posts lately Pierre) Mount, what he means is that you are not seeing what's right in front of your face... that this guy is a loser and a user and that you are sacrificing your self-respect by staying in this A.
Deliciouslildevil Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 It is disheartening. I agree with the others, he is using you, and at the same time does not care one cent who you are, what are your ambitions, you are there for a quick sex romp. You are definitely in the fog. As an OW, you either are comfortable with your place, or sady move on. Bringing you to the house is not his stance of bringing you closer, it is his way of making you a low life in his disturbed mind, so when he is done with you, he can use it against you, as in what kind of slut would go to a MM wife's house. A common theme. If you look at it as it really is and not in your fantasy, he is having an affair, likely with others as well, on mon or tues. All of us in this situation need to keep a healthy perspective or let it go.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Deliciouslildevil - did you let your affair go yet? Enlighten me how you make the affair go? Even though my MM said I pushed him away made him feel sorry and dismayed, myself right now is not feeling joyful either. Getting out of A is diffcult, a few rounds of back and forth is expected. It is disheartening. I agree with the others, he is using you, and at the same time does not care one cent who you are, what are your ambitions, you are there for a quick sex romp. You are definitely in the fog. As an OW, you either are comfortable with your place, or sady move on. Bringing you to the house is not his stance of bringing you closer, it is his way of making you a low life in his disturbed mind, so when he is done with you, he can use it against you, as in what kind of slut would go to a MM wife's house. A common theme. If you look at it as it really is and not in your fantasy, he is having an affair, likely with others as well, on mon or tues. All of us in this situation need to keep a healthy perspective or let it go.
Deliciouslildevil Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 It goes because he puts all he can into it, no NC, I understand missing them when you cannot see them all the time, but he would not ignore me if I was upset for, maybe a hot second. He woos me, not what sounds like yours is doing. He does just enough to get laid, then ignores you. Your MM is the classic user. He is stringing you along, until he gets bored, and his NC will turn permanent. I am sorry you have found yourself in this cycle.
veryhappy Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Deliciouslildevil - did you let your affair go yet? Enlighten me how you make the affair go? Even though my MM said I pushed him away made him feel sorry and dismayed, myself right now is not feeling joyful either. Getting out of A is diffcult, a few rounds of back and forth is expected. Feeling as weak as you feel, your chances to end it are minimal while work if together. Shift the focus from the affair to finding another job.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I don't think that is whole point, that if your MM woos you or not. Of course every MM woos OW (i.e. gift, dining out, help fixing OW's residence place, being a chauffeur...etc), because they want get what they want. As to NC, I can never be able hold NC with MM, because he always would have opportunity to have contact either personal or work-wise. I think all MMs try to string along OWs, then depends what OWs look forward to at the very end. Permanent relationship with MM, or break-up with MM. I guess we all need step more ahead to see what would happen. I need to get (x)OW's personal experience that how she gets out, not excuse why she hasn't. It goes because he puts all he can into it, no NC, I understand missing them when you cannot see them all the time, but he would not ignore me if I was upset for, maybe a hot second. He woos me, not what sounds like yours is doing. He does just enough to get laid, then ignores you. Your MM is the classic user. He is stringing you along, until he gets bored, and his NC will turn permanent. I am sorry you have found yourself in this cycle.
Tenacity Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I need to get (x)OW's personal experience that how she gets out, not excuse why she hasn't. Are you saying you want OWs' personal experiences regarding how to get out of an A? I think that's what you're saying but I may be misunderstanding? If so... I'm not sure what you are looking for people to tell you. Everyone keeps telling you to get out. How to get out? You just do it. No one said it was easy, but you do it. As someone else mentioned, since you work with him you should exert some effort into getting a new job. That would be a great first step and you should do it now. That's the best advice I can give you as an ex-OW.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Personally I don't think it's fair that I have to leave the job I like while the MM can stay and continue having the job. He shall leave the job why me though? What I am looking for is that how to knock off MM's further tempt while constraint myself not initiating contact either. Even though working with MM, we don't see each other at all as we are in different space. Are you saying you want OWs' personal experiences regarding how to get out of an A? I think that's what you're saying but I may be misunderstanding? If so... I'm not sure what you are looking for people to tell you. Everyone keeps telling you to get out. How to get out? You just do it. No one said it was easy, but you do it. As someone else mentioned, since you work with him you should exert some effort into getting a new job. That would be a great first step and you should do it now. That's the best advice I can give you as an ex-OW.
Tenacity Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Personally I don't think it's fair that I have to leave the job I like while the MM can stay and continue having the job. He shall leave the job why me though? What I am looking for is that how to knock off MM's further tempt while constraint myself not initiating contact either. Even though working with MM, we don't see each other at all as we are in different space. Life isn't fair. Do you want to get away from the A or not? I think you need to decide. You said before that you couldn't stop his contact because you work together, and now you are saying that you don't see each other at all at work because you are in different places? Which is it? How to knock off his further attempts... tell him to not contact you again and to leave you alone, and enforce it. Then commit to not contacting him, and get the support from the people here when you are tempted to do it. Nothing is going to happen unless you make it happen. You seem to want someone to give you a magic, easy answer and if that existed none of us would have had to go through it either. I'm out.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Yes, different location/spot. Work Communication can be via emails, or messsenger if req'd. And yes I do want some magic if that exists, otherwise I guess I have to "create" the magic myself I guess.:( Life isn't fair. Do you want to get away from the A or not? I think you need to decide. You said before that you couldn't stop his contact because you work together, and now you are saying that you don't see each other at all at work because you are in different places? Which is it? How to knock off his further attempts... tell him to not contact you again and to leave you alone, and enforce it. Then commit to not contacting him, and get the support from the people here when you are tempted to do it. Nothing is going to happen unless you make it happen. You seem to want someone to give you a magic, easy answer and if that existed none of us would have had to go through it either. I'm out.
secretgirl Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I'm not sure I trust anything MM says, but they are such pretty lies I want to believe them....
2sunny Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Yes, different location/spot. Work Communication can be via emails, or messsenger if req'd. And yes I do want some magic if that exists, otherwise I guess I have to "create" the magic myself I guess.:( If you want something - you need to decide what that is - then take steps to make that happen. IF you want no contact - tell him! And don't participate with work messenger or email with him. Take steps to eliminate his contact. Or simply get a new job! A fresh start would do you good! And next job - don't date your co workers! It makes the wok environment messy!
twinsmom Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 It is threads such as these that make me SO thankful to be out of a relationship with a MM. I know there are a handful of relationships on this board that have resulted in happiness, but they are few and far between..Most of them result in heartache. I wish I ould reach every woman here and hit her over the head, but that's not possible. All I can do is sit back and watch the fallout. 1
Tara247 Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Hon, why are you with this lying scumbag that won't leave his wife?? You are helping him cheat on her, he is cheating on you, and lying to you both continuously. I agree with the others that you are causing strife in the relationship because you want and know you deserve more. If he won't make a decision as to which one of you he's going to be with and do the right thing, you will feel a lot better if you let him go.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 The true reality is that even he does plan to leave his marriage, at this point for me I don't dare to be his wife either because his capability of manipulation too much. However, the only thing I can not explain is that even I am aware of his capable to cheat, manipulate...etc, why I still have feeling for him? BTW, I am taking action to cut contact with him as much as I can. Hon, why are you with this lying scumbag that won't leave his wife?? You are helping him cheat on her, he is cheating on you, and lying to you both continuously. I agree with the others that you are causing strife in the relationship because you want and know you deserve more. If he won't make a decision as to which one of you he's going to be with and do the right thing, you will feel a lot better if you let him go.
BrokenPrincess Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 BTW, I am taking action to cut contact with him as much as I can. Did you tell him it was over?
whichwayisup Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 The true reality is that even he does plan to leave his marriage, at this point for me I don't dare to be his wife either because his capability of manipulation too much. However, the only thing I can not explain is that even I am aware of his capable to cheat, manipulate...etc, why I still have feeling for him? BTW, I am taking action to cut contact with him as much as I can. Just because you have feelings for the guy doesn't mean you have to be with him. You don't trust him, you're very aware of his manipulation and lying skills. Would you keep a friendship with a woman if she betrayed you, hurt you and you didn't trust her? My guess is no. So, just because you have feelings for him doesn't mean he has to be in your life. Keeping him IN your life just feeds your feelings more and lets them grow. You say you are taking action to cut contact with him. Then why did you get together with him the other night while his wife was away? Why not say NO, it's Sat. night and I'm busy. Say no to him more often. And let him know why you're backing off! That you don't want to spend time with him, don't want to hear from him.
2sunny Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 Taking steps to cut contact as much as you can Is much different and a far cry from actually ending it. Any contact is just keeping the affair alive. Just change jobs. Change your phone number and all ways he may contact.
Author Mount Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Yes we both agreed to let the A over as I kept telling the MM I don't trust him and the MM kept denying it and does not understand why I don't trust him. And WWI, yes I am backing it off. Did you tell him it was over? Just because you have feelings for the guy doesn't mean you have to be with him. You don't trust him, you're very aware of his manipulation and lying skills. Would you keep a friendship with a woman if she betrayed you, hurt you and you didn't trust her? My guess is no. So, just because you have feelings for him doesn't mean he has to be in your life. Keeping him IN your life just feeds your feelings more and lets them grow. You say you are taking action to cut contact with him. Then why did you get together with him the other night while his wife was away? Why not say NO, it's Sat. night and I'm busy. Say no to him more often. And let him know why you're backing off! That you don't want to spend time with him, don't want to hear from him.
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