Newly separated with kids - how to deal with NC?

[RebuildingMom]

Hi this is my first post. I'm looking for opinions on how much NC to do... DH left me, our 3 yr old son and my teen daughter 2 weeks ago by text (while I was shopping for food) over issues with my daughter. I was in shock/crying that day and later that night he asked (by text) if we could meet the next day for lunch to talk about "logistics". Before meeting him panic mode set in with me thinking "What about this", "what about that"... For the lunch (not really lunch becuz neither of us could eat) I had only four questions/issues - daycare, divorce, seeing other people and the holidays. I didn't argue or anything I just felt sad and felt that if I talked too much I would just start crying so I kept my responses short. He basically said he's not serving me papers or interested in seeing other people but he can't stay in the house anymore. He said he wasn't sure how long this "separation" will last.

 

I had agreed to that lunch on the day he left me but I think now I probably shouldn't have. I did not ask him to come home then, haven't since then, and not sure if I should - ever. Initially this was because of my DD and that the primary issue hasn't been resolved in 2 weeks much less any of our other problems I'm seeing that we had/have. He wants to talk to DS every night at bedtime which I'm ok with for DS but I'm interested in NC and wonder if there is anyway around this. I'm thinking not. My problem is I feel sad and resentful every time he calls to talk to DS. The first week of this I did not sound happy on the phone to talk to him, this week it's been much easier to be neutral. I'm interested in moving on with my life regardless of whether we are together or not because since he's left the stress level has gone WAY down in the house and I'm enjoying that part of it. I'm still sad but I'm also ready for this break.

 

Another problem is that in our discussion about the holidays, he expressed a willingness and desire to help us get the choose & cut Christmas Tree. He said he still wants to be involved in the family things. I had already scheduled this event on our calendar and he has a truck so I was glad at first, but now I'm not so sure. Now I think I should try to do that on my own along with other Christmas traditions we have... but then we've already talked about that so maybe I should just go ahead as planned. Anyway I'm confused. Thoughts anyone?

[GuyInLimbo]

Um, yeah. First of all, he's a supreme coward to dump you via text. He's already disqualified himself from being allowed to "participate in family things." What a joke. He drops a bomb and expects to have his cake and eat it, too? No. Doesn't work that way. All that does is give your kids false hope that you'll reconcile. He needs to do a LOT more work before then. Is he willing to go to counseling?

[Yasuandio]

I would give your husband a big fat NO (contact) for the holidays - and begin new traditions immediately. Here is the reason: When you received a text like this - the ballgame was all over - he destroyed a trust, a human bond, a sacred union, between the two of you, in the most cowardly fashion, as the previous poster stated. Plus, he selectively dumped portions of the existing family unit. What a rat.

 

He has now, therefore, created history. And you will never know when this history might repeat itself. That was absolutely inexcusable. And then....the nerve to request, also over text, "Logistics Over Lunch!" When I read that, I almost had a gag reflex.

 

At this time, if there is any hope at all in saving this marriage, you must consider taking the advice of James Dobson, in the book, Love Must Be Tough, a classic read. A crisis must be created - so he fully knows what he has done. For now, for your husband, the answer is NO, NO, NO.

 

The book is a few bucks on Amazon. Yas

[Cedarman]

Is there more to his leaving? It just sounds very strange to just up and leave with absolutely no warning. And by text - that's cowardly and cold.

 

Unless you're working towards a reconciliation, I think you need to start building your new traditions with your family (i.e. without your husband).

 

Your husband snuck away like a coward because he didn't want to be a part of the family anymore.

[Cburch]

I am in no shape to give advice at all. I've been seperated from my H for 7 weeks and just now beginning to do NC unless necessary. It's been torture, but I'm doing it. HOWEVER, I have a very wise friend tell me that I have to do what works for my family, regardless of what is "normal". I have asked H to a brunch Thanksgiving morning to keep DD from choosing who she wants to spend time with. And Christmas we've already decided he will come over and do Christmas morning has normal. I honestly think you have to do what is right for you and your family. Even though my DD is 15, H still calls or text her every night. She needs that. so I'm okay with it.

I've realized that no matter what H did to me or our family, it's up to me to be the bigger person in the eyes of my daughter. I don't trash talk him to her or anyone else for that matter, I'm not playing dirty and I'm not making her choose between us. She loves us both equally (her words not mine) and while she knows what he did was wrong (she got a picture of him and OW) she still loves him as she should. I just feel sometimes taking the high road (but not letting him run over you) makes you feel better and pays off in the end.

Just my two cents ... and it's probably worth less than that.

[RebuildingMom]

@GuyinLimbo Thanks for the response. We went to counseling once and were advised to practice a communication technique -- this was probably early 2010. We did for a bit but then we let it go we just went back to our normal thing. So no, we haven't been to counseling on a regular basis. After this happened, I mentioned that I'd be willing to go to counseling if he was and left it at that.

 

We've been together for 12 years, living together with my daughter for 11 (god that sounds like a long time) but only married for less than 2. SO he's been around my daughter since she was 4-5 and now that my daughter is 17 - he thinks that he can't live around her anymore. She has ADHD, is a senior in HS, but no violent behavior, no sneaking out or anything, no drugs, no alcohol. She's not a bad kid IMO. He feels as if she is going to live with us a long time and that nothing will change. He gets mad becuz he feels she doesn't do anything around the house and he doesn't like her friends. I think he just doesn't understand her - I can talk to her, and usually figure out what's going on if she's moody or whatever. She even started going to counseling to help with her emotions. But when they talk to each other, they each get crossed signals. So he gets mad at me for not making her change when she does something like sigh too loudly.

 

I really didn't think it was a bad as to leave me by text message - but in any case my daughter and I are tight - and now we're even stronger without him here so that's a positive side to this whole thing.

Edited November 19, 2012 by RebuildingMom
directing my responses to commenters

[RebuildingMom]

 

He has now, therefore, created history. And you will never know when this history might repeat itself. That was absolutely inexcusable. And then....the nerve to request, also over text, "Logistics Over Lunch!" When I read that, I almost had a gag reflex.

 

 

Yes! I couldn't believe it and while I'm getting food he requested!! Thanks for the tip on the book I'll definitely check it out. I'm in that 50/50 stage and probably will be for awhile - try to reconcile or... not.

[RebuildingMom]

Is there more to his leaving? It just sounds very strange to just up and leave with absolutely no warning. And by text - that's cowardly and cold.

 

Unless you're working towards a reconciliation, I think you need to start building your new traditions with your family (i.e. without your husband).

 

Your husband snuck away like a coward because he didn't want to be a part of the family anymore.

 

He believes that nothing will change and that he's told me before that he feels this way. Yes he's told me that she annoys him but he doesn't say anything to her when this happens because he says I'm not there or that I'll get mad at him. Because of this, last year I started taking my daughter to counseling but other than telling me she annoys him there wasn't much else she actually did, it was all his visions of what the future might be like (living with us for a long time, I'm assuming he meant while not going to some college or working) - none of which is true. She wants to do all that he just doesn't think she will.

 

On the day he left, I was shopping with DS, he was home and so was DD. He had some work to do and some things to cook. He said (by text in more colorful language) every time he went into the kitchen, she would go into the kitchen to get something to eat and then she sat down at the dining room table with her laptop chatting with friends and that was keeping him from working and so he was done, leaving. He didn't even say anything to her, she didn't even know he had left us for good. He just up and walked out. After I got home I asked her what happened and she was clueless - so I filled her in, she was a s shocked as I was. But anyway I digress...

Edited November 19, 2012 by RebuildingMom

[RebuildingMom]

I just feel sometimes taking the high road (but not letting him run over you) makes you feel better and pays off in the end.

Just my two cents ... and it's probably worth less than that.

 

I appreciate it. I am trying to take the high road. I've been thinking about Thanksgiving. Usually we go to his parents house. (Background: we're lucky to have 2 retired Grandmas, my mom his mom, nearby that watch DS 50/50) In the end I decided that if Great Grandma (his) comes to town, DS will go there to see her, she's frail and might not be with us much longer. I however do not feel comfortable going there so I think I will drop DS off and then pick him up later that evening. Me and DD will be with my mom.

 

But I have to say I've been good on the no stalking end of things. I can definitely say there's NC initiated by me unless kid related.

[GuyInLimbo]

@GuyinLimbo Thanks for the response. We went to counseling once and were advised to practice a communication technique -- this was probably early 2010. We did for a bit but then we let it go we just went back to our normal thing. So no, we haven't been to counseling on a regular basis. After this happened, I mentioned that I'd be willing to go to counseling if he was and left it at that.

 

We've been together for 12 years, living together with my daughter for 11 (god that sounds like a long time) but only married for less than 2. SO he's been around my daughter since she was 4-5 and now that my daughter is 17 - he thinks that he can't live around her anymore. She has ADHD, is a senior in HS, but no violent behavior, no sneaking out or anything, no drugs, no alcohol. She's not a bad kid IMO. He feels as if she is going to live with us a long time and that nothing will change. He gets mad becuz he feels she doesn't do anything around the house and he doesn't like her friends. I think he just doesn't understand her - I can talk to her, and usually figure out what's going on if she's moody or whatever. She even started going to counseling to help with her emotions. But when they talk to each other, they each get crossed signals. So he gets mad at me for not making her change when she does something like sigh too loudly.

 

I really didn't think it was a bad as to leave me by text message - but in any case my daughter and I are tight - and now we're even stronger without him here so that's a positive side to this whole thing.

 

You're a strong person if a text divorce doesn't bother you.

 

And, re: your DD. She's a teenage girl! What does he expect??

[RebuildingMom]

You're a strong person if a text divorce doesn't bother you.

 

And, re: your DD. She's a teenage girl! What does he expect??

 

Oh no I am definitely bothered by it but I was in shock the first 2 weeks and now that I'm reading more about others experiences I realize that I was keeping myself really busy so I didn't "think" too much about the hurt. Raking the leaves, cleaning the house, reorganizing, getting his crap out of my sight, making short/long term plans for me and the kids... enjoying the unexpected weight loss from not eating, fitting into clothes I haven't fit into since I had DS.

 

Now I'm getting to the pissed off stage (I think I need to look up the stages of grief). My vindictive side wants to show itself so bad but I also see that so I'm really trying to take the high road. At what point do I lawyer up to proactively protect myself?

 

And NO KIDDING about my teenage girl - I think all of my friends (and some of his!) said the exact same thing. He has no clue, he should go get one ad maybe now he will! I am SOOO thankful for the wonderful friends I have, and I have to say his family too, they aren't taking sides (yet) for which I'm grateful.

[RebuildingMom]

Definitely on the rollercoaster ride right now. DD had a bad day yesterday. It was the first time H's leaving has really sunk in. She's wondering why he hates her etc. We have been having our struggle together coming to terms with how things are now even though it's still early on. I've been practicing NC, restricted him on Facebook, hid his email so I don't see it. Don't check messaging etc - it actually IS a relief. It's really really hard being upbeat when he picks up DS BUT I'm doing it. H has finally gotten a carseat to pick up DS so I asked him to take him on Sundays/Mondays which he is doing. I'm keeping the holiday spirit alive at home Xmas lites, decor, cookies, advent calendar - it really does help! I notice that it is defintely the down times when I'm not busy that I get depressed, fortunately it doesn't last too long. I think I've lost 15lbs since this all started (I see it's called the Divorce Diet online). Last week, H asked to meet for lunch and said "he's decided that we're just better off friends" - boy was that depressing... I said I still need some time (not that I have a choice) but that my feelings don't want to give up on 12 years... He looked sad but didn't say no or anything or that he was running out to file for divorce. Probably a bad move but whatever at least I said it. Other than that it's NC, no begging or whatever - I just insist that he parent as he should and so far he has. So my hope is, in the long run I'll move on, he'll move on, and when the papers do get files whether by him or me, I won't fall apart. He's staying with his parents atm maybe one day he'll get his own place and see what it's really like to run a household...

[Ninja'sHusband]

I would find a good mediator and start working on a parenting plan. I agree, don't share holidays. Take turns or something.

[RebuildingMom]

At this time, if there is any hope at all in saving this marriage, you must consider taking the advice of James Dobson, in the book, Love Must Be Tough, a classic read. A crisis must be created - so he fully knows what he has done. For now, for your husband, the answer is NO, NO, NO.

 

The book is a few bucks on Amazon. Yas

 

Yaz - I never responded to your post so long ago but I did pick up the book you had recommended and it helped me immensely. Although it didn't save our marriage it helped me think about what's going on and how to start to process it. So a belated Thanks so much!