Devistated1 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Looking for some advise, I have been married for almost 16 years. About 10 years ago I had a feeling that my wife was being unfaithful. She of course denied this and told me there was absolutly nobody else. She ended up getting pregnant around the same time, which she swore up and down was my child. I found this hard to believe seeing as how I had a vasectomy 5 years before this, but looked online and found that this can happen, so I tried to believe it. So now it's been 10 yrs of this just weighing on me so I did a home DNA test without her knowing and it came back that I'm not the father. Here's the problem I have, I love my daughter(even though she's not technically mine) with all my heart. It just tears me up inside even thinking about her calling someone else daddy. My wife now knows that I did the test and what the results are, she swears it was only a one night thing(like that's supposed to make it better) and after it happened she knew she was in the wrong and wouldn't do it again. Also she was pregnant when we started seeing each other, so I've already been raising one child as if she were my own for 17 years, her father has never even tried to see her. The child support she gets from the first one isn't much at all. My wife says she doesn't want to file for child support for the younger one because she thinks the other guy will want to be in her life. How do I go about not having her file and not feeling like a total doormat? Also, if anyone has any advise on how we can move past this(the infidelity) that would be much appreciated too. All I can see when I close my eyes and try to sleep is images of them together, needless to say I haven't slept much since this all came out. The problem with just leaving is that we do have other kids together(I think) and we've been together soo long that I can't see myself without her. Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks in advance.
karnak Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Your wife has lied for 10 years. Your marriage has been built over a lie, for this time. Why do you accept that? Do you really love your wife or are you just afraid of suddenly being alone? Your wife never loved you. A person in love would never be able to look you in the eyes for years and lie straight in your face. She's been using you. And of course it was not a "one-time" thing. You already suspect that. She kept a lie for +10 years. How can you know when she's speaking the truth or not? 2
karnak Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Look, I don't know what to tell you but if I live to be 100, I'll never understand how you can respect your wife when she's such a lowlife. She lies, she cheats, she deceives, and the list just goes on. She gives decent women a bad name. Your fist mistake was believing her bullsh*t story that it was a one-night stand. She's such a liar that anything's possible - could have been a one-night stand or it could have been a 6 year affair. The sad part is that you would have stuck around for either scenario. She had some GALL getting knocked up and trying to pass the kid off as yours after you'd had a vasectomy. She's going to the special HELL for being such a piece of sh*t. But then again, for you to talk yourself into that RIDICULOUS belief is just as crazy. Why would you WANT to stay with someone like this? You quit being a victim a LONG time ago and have been a volunteer for YEARS. You seriously need to go to a therapist to figure out why you stay with someone like this. I feel bad for you because I think you swallowed your pride and self respect so long ago that you no longer have a shred of either. Good luck to you. You shouldn't be so hard on him. Wome women are such skilled manipulators that they can seriously mess a guy's mind.
BetrayedH Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 You shouldn't be so hard on him. Wome women are such skilled manipulators that they can seriously mess a guy's mind. No kidding. Sounds like his reaction is normal following a Dday and that he's in a really tough spot with multiple children involved. Original poster, it's slow around here on the weekends but there are some seriously good posters that will give good advice. Frankly, even some of the brutal stuff is exactly what you need to hear. You're in a sort of state of shock at the moment and it can take as long as six months to gain a more balanced perspective. For now you need to take care of yourself. Focus on sleeping, eating, and keeping the rest of your life from falling apart. Make no guarantees to your wife and don't commit to "cheap forgiveness." It's going to take a while for you to come to a rational decision about how to move forward with your life. In the short term, try to make decisions with your head instead of your emotions. It's a tall enough order by itself. You've spent a lot of years with this woman and there is no rush for you to make a decision about reconciling or divorcing. She's going to have to be patient with you and you need to do the same with yourself. 1
Balzac Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 I'm confused. How does a discussion about child support enter into this? You state that you are married. Existence of a birth certificate, your name is on it. What am I missing here? I get the deception, I get the decisions facing you, just not child support. I can only imagine that you struggle mightily.
Author Devistated1 Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Thank you all for the responses so far, I was expecting some brutal answers, so not a big deal there. Balzac-I guess what I was trying to say about the child support is; Should she file for support and risk turning the little girls life upside down? Doesn't this guy deserve to know that she is his daughter? As much as that would hurt me, like one more thing is going to matter, I know if I had a child out there I'd want to know about it. Sorry if some of my ramblings don't make sense, that tends to happen to me when I don;t get much sleep, and since I've had about 8 hours in the past 5 days I may be a little sleep deprived.
Author Devistated1 Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 One more thing about the support. If she doesn't file, and we do end up staying together, how do I go about not feeling like I'm just here to support other people's children?
road Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 First step is to get all of your kids dna tested. I would not be surprised that WW first OC bio dad is also this second OC bio dad, and not surprised what may come up on your other kids. Next is that you and your WW must be tested for STD's. To stay married and recover this marriage your WW must be 100% transparent. You must have access to her cell, email, FB, etc, to verify that no affairs are going on. Being able to verify NC is the way to start rebuilding trust. Hide a VAR in WW car and house. Hide a realtime GPS in WW car. Install a key logger on the PC. All to verify NC. If you want to recover the marriage best to not tell the OM about OC2, because he will want contact with the OC and WW. Especailly if the OM has to pay CS. Having OM in WW will prevent NC between them which greatly increases the odds of the affair restarting. Also being that you have raised OC for 10 years the courts will most likely not let you off the financial hook for the OC CS.
firemanq Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 As to the paternity of the children, a sperm donor does not determine the father of the children. Fatherhood is determined by the relationship that develops over time. My oldest daughter is not mine biologically. But she is my little girl and not the child of the fat ****. My daughter & I definatly agree on that point. Unfortunatly the real tradgedy of the disolved marriage is the lack of trust between myself and the x-wife. That distrust is what killed my love for her and ultimatly, our marriage. 5
Author Devistated1 Posted November 19, 2012 Author Posted November 19, 2012 Road- I'm in the process of getting the other ones tested also. I don't really want OM to know about the child, that's my baby girl, whether she is bio mine or not. I see what you are saying about complete transparency, right now she says she'll do anything to stay together, so getting passwords and such shouldn't be a problem. She used to work with OM. She says it only happened once because she felt so bad afterwards, but they worked together for 5 years after that, so I'm not sure I believe the "only once" bs. Firemanq- I hear what you are saying, and looking at him as just a sperm donor actually makes me feel a little better about it. Thank you for that. My relationship with that little girl is one of the major reasons I don't want OM to know she is his, if that relationship fell apart I would too.
road Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Road- I'm in the process of getting the other ones tested also. I don't really want OM to know about the child, that's my baby girl, whether she is bio mine or not. I see what you are saying about complete transparency, right now she says she'll do anything to stay together, so getting passwords and such shouldn't be a problem. She used to work with OM. She says it only happened once because she felt so bad afterwards, but they worked together for 5 years after that, so I'm not sure I believe the "only once" bs. The is happened only once is bull manure. This is called trickle truth. Where the WW tells just enough to get you to stop asking questions. WW is doing damage control. This is why you need to schedule a polygraph test. Then tell WW when the appointment is. Sit back and as the date gets close WW will trickle truth some more. Claiming that she now has told all so you can cancel the test. This is just standard WW ploy to get you to cancel the test. Don't. Tell WW the test is on to confirm everything. Keep is up dated.
drifter777 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 This has to be every husband's worse nightmare and we all feel for you. Right now you are in no condition to make any decisions. The fact that you are so concerned about child support rather than your wife's disgusting betrayal is proof of the shock and denial you are in. You simply don't have the emotional ability to face the truth right now. I think you need to get away from your wife and her manipulation for a while. It's too difficult for you to think clearly while you are trying to make sense out of all this nonsense. Pack a bag and find somewhere to stay for a while. Find a counselor and start taking care of yourself.
road Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Moving out is not the answer and can cause him legal problems stemming from abandonmet issues. WW can have locks changed, custody, move OM in, etc.
meandmyself Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Road- I'm in the process of getting the other ones tested also. I don't really want OM to know about the child, that's my baby girl, whether she is bio mine or not. I see what you are saying about complete transparency, right now she says she'll do anything to stay together, so getting passwords and such shouldn't be a problem. She used to work with OM. She says it only happened once because she felt so bad afterwards, but they worked together for 5 years after that, so I'm not sure I believe the "only once" bs. Firemanq- I hear what you are saying, and looking at him as just a sperm donor actually makes me feel a little better about it. Thank you for that. My relationship with that little girl is one of the major reasons I don't want OM to know she is his, if that relationship fell apart I would too. Well man... if you have a vasectomy... be prepared because the odds are against you with the other kids too... I am sorry to be that bold but I think what you need to do (and I don't often advise this) is to move out and leave your wife man... one thing is getting cheated on but she is trying to bull**** you in a bad way and is more than possible that she has put you through the burden of taking care and bread other man/men kids... I am sorry again but I felt the urge to be totally honest with you on what I think...
drifter777 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Moving out is not the answer and can cause him legal problems stemming from abandonmet issues. WW can have locks changed, custody, move OM in, etc. What's your point? She's a cheater and the kids aren't his - just exactly who is he abandoning? If she changes the locks then he has his answer. 1
2long Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 The main reason not 2 have her file for CS from the OM is you'd be inviting him in2 your lives for the rest of your daughter's childhood. Legally, YOU are her father. PERIOD. Keep it that way. The same is true if your other kids aren't yours but their "father(s)" aren't raising them and you are. What do you want? I understand it could be very hard 2 reconcile with your W, particularly if this went on for the 5 years they worked 2gether (or longer, or with other men). Whatever you do, you should focus on your family. These kids are YOURS legally, and if you care about them you will continue 2 keep the OM flake out of their lives. -ol' 2long
frozensprouts Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 give yourself some time to think things through and figure out what you want....you don't have to decide anything right away... you may be able to reconcile, maybe not. take your time and get your head on straight before you decide anything.... right now, you and your wife need to sort out what you are going to do about your daughter...she is in every sense of the word your daughter,and just because some other man happened to be the "sperm donor" is no reason for that to change ( if he was a long term thing, and he knew she was pregnant, he must had had some suspicion the bay was "his'...that never mattered to him before , why start now?)...you sound like a great dad and your kids are lucky to have you...even if you two end up divorcing, you will still be their dad and they will still need you just as much, and even more, than they do now
GLDheart Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Your wife has done an amazingly repulsive and damaging thing to you. Play it cool. Get a Lawyer and a Private Investigator. Get your ducks in a row and then have her served with custody, support, visitation rights. You can keep those kids in your life, you've earned them... But that treacherous soon to be ex-wife b1tch need to be kept as far from you as possible.
road Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Your wife has done an amazingly repulsive and damaging thing to you. Play it cool. Get a Lawyer and a Private Investigator. Get your ducks in a row and then have her served with custody, support, visitation rights. You can keep those kids in your life, you've earned them... But that treacherous soon to be ex-wife b1tch need to be kept as far from you as possible. Getting ducks in a row is wait on a lawyer until he finds out the results.
Author Devistated1 Posted November 20, 2012 Author Posted November 20, 2012 Thank you all for the advise. I don't mind the harsh or blunt responses either. Sometimes I think it's better to just s\hear it, rather then beating around the bush. Yes, I do feel as though the kids are mine, but here is the problem I run into without having much info on the father(s). What if there is something medical that goes on that is linked to the fathers side, what if something happens that could have been prevented if I had known? As far as them working together for so long after, W says that he never questioned if the kid was his. I never hid that I had a vasectomy, pretty much everyone knew, so I'm sure the thought had to cross his mind. Whether he didn't say anything for her sake, as in not wrecking our marriage, I'm not sure. If he was concerned about that one would think he wouldn't have slept with her in the first place, but I really don't know, I've never really thought of things like this so deeply until recently. Today has been a hard one for me, I wondering if they'd be ok if I were just gone forever. I hate thinking about taking the cowards way out, but when you have nothing left, what is there to lose?
drifter777 Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Thank you all for the advise. I don't mind the harsh or blunt responses either. Sometimes I think it's better to just s\hear it, rather then beating around the bush. Yes, I do feel as though the kids are mine, but here is the problem I run into without having much info on the father(s). What if there is something medical that goes on that is linked to the fathers side, what if something happens that could have been prevented if I had known? As far as them working together for so long after, W says that he never questioned if the kid was his. I never hid that I had a vasectomy, pretty much everyone knew, so I'm sure the thought had to cross his mind. Whether he didn't say anything for her sake, as in not wrecking our marriage, I'm not sure. If he was concerned about that one would think he wouldn't have slept with her in the first place, but I really don't know, I've never really thought of things like this so deeply until recently. Today has been a hard one for me, I wondering if they'd be ok if I were just gone forever. I hate thinking about taking the cowards way out, but when you have nothing left, what is there to lose? You said it yourself; suicide is the cowards way out. I'm not going to give you a pep-talk about it but know that suicide will leave a horrible legacy for those you care for the most. Don't punish those that truly love you for what your wife has done to you. Look, things will get better when you begin to take some action and stop being a victim. You have a lawyer now find a counselor and start taking care of yourself. Be strong; you don't have a choice. Doing what's best for you is the best place to start and will help get you through these tough, tough times.
meandmyself Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 Thank you all for the advise. I don't mind the harsh or blunt responses either. Sometimes I think it's better to just s\hear it, rather then beating around the bush. Yes, I do feel as though the kids are mine, but here is the problem I run into without having much info on the father(s). What if there is something medical that goes on that is linked to the fathers side, what if something happens that could have been prevented if I had known? As far as them working together for so long after, W says that he never questioned if the kid was his. I never hid that I had a vasectomy, pretty much everyone knew, so I'm sure the thought had to cross his mind. Whether he didn't say anything for her sake, as in not wrecking our marriage, I'm not sure. If he was concerned about that one would think he wouldn't have slept with her in the first place, but I really don't know, I've never really thought of things like this so deeply until recently. Today has been a hard one for me, I wondering if they'd be ok if I were just gone forever. I hate thinking about taking the cowards way out, but when you have nothing left, what is there to lose? Look my friend, it does not matter how dark and deep you feel you have felt... there is always a shinning light at the end of the tunnel... Please divorce your wife, she does not deserve you and she will hurt you again... she is not a good woman (sorry, I know how much it hurts to read this but is the truth). Look for a place as far as you can from your wife to heal your wounds and then try to find someone who will love you and respect you as you deserve... Believe me, not all women are the same and not all of them will betray you... Doesn't matter how old you are, you are too young to give up with your life and happiness.... !!
AlexDP Posted November 21, 2012 Posted November 21, 2012 You shouldn't be so hard on him. Wome women are such skilled manipulators that they can seriously mess a guy's mind. It was still foolish to believe her.
meandmyself Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 It was still foolish to believe her. I agree... come on he ha a vasectomy and she is having various children and he is taking them home without a dna test... that is not very clever..
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