How do I learn to love someone else?

[Miss No Good]

So I've gone through all the typical break-up pathetic situations. My heart still yearns for my ex and for a second-chance, but I know that I shouldn't. I started NC for the 3rd time. This time, however; my ex has not been contacting me (as a friend). This hurts me much more than before because he used to always contact me because he valued our friendship and wanted me in his life still. I basically told him that I wanted a relationship or nothing though. I wasn't going to be led on forever while he has the best of both worlds. I hurt not knowing if it's because he stopped caring about me and is fed up with me or if he's giving me space. I hurt not knowing if he's replaced me in his life or if he still remembers our good times. I hurt not knowing if he misses my presence or if he barely notices.

 

I'm trying to forget about him. I tell myself that I should not be the one chasing after him, that if he really wanted us to be together, he should be the one coming back to me. I know that I have to focus on myself. I have gone out with friends, done my work, am working on improving my self-confidence, etc. But I'm scared that I won't get better. Everyday, I fill my schedule up completely with tasks so that I do not have time to miss him and keep myself busy. However, every time I lay down to sleep, the feeling of utmost loneliness consumes me. It feels like there's this giant hole inside of me that I cannot fill. It's gotten so bad that I purposely stay up until I feel super tired, hoping to speed up the falling asleep process.

 

I talk to new guys, keeping an open mind. I have met a few that I like personality-wise or think are cute, but as soon as I imagine, or they initiate something more than a friendship, I get so scared and pull away. My mind immediately turns to my ex. I cannot seem to forget him, no matter how horrible our break-up was or the terrible things he's done/said. I want someone to love and for them to love me back, but I can't open up to it. I'm so scared of hurting them or being hurt by them.

 

Some people say that first loves are the hardest to forget, but how do I move on from this? A part of me wants to keep fighting, but I know that that's not the right thing to do. It's not fair to me. If it was meant to be, he would want to be together with me and come chase after me, or at least even be willing to try and give it a chance.

 

I really don't know how to get past this. I don't think it'll be fair to the next guy to have to work so hard to get a chance with me either (same reasoning). But my heart has been ripped to pieces and stomped on from my previous relationship that it's scarred for good. Even if the most amazing guy came along who was patient enough to break down my walls, I'd be haunted by the fear that one day, he'll walk away from me too. I'm scared of screwing things up again. I don't want to always be doubting myself or constantly being paranoid that I'll do something wrong. That's not fair to the other person to have to constantly reassure me, that gets tiring and frustrating, I know.

 

I know that some of you guys will say to just wait and it'll happen over time, but I know myself. These feelings won't just go away magically. I was bullied throughout my younger years, so my own self-regard isn't that high. It's something I carry with me, no matter how hard I try to fight it. The same goes for this hole inside me. What are some things that I can do or things that you guys have to say that can help me?

[Emmy86]

Oh I know exactly how you feel. Its not been very long at all since me and my ex broke it off, he ended it with me and for 5 pathetic weeks I have been asking for him to give us another go, basically begging him but its not going to happen. All he wants is friendship and I have the same thoughts, its either I'm his girlfriend or nothing.

I going through whether to cut him out my life completely at the moment or to give friends another go but I think its too hard. I hate the thought of him moving on, being with someone else.

I cant see myself with anyone else, I cant see myself being in love with anyone as much as I am with him, I still love him.

I dont think I will ever forget him. No one will replace him. I dont have any advice for you Just so you know, your not the only one with these thoughts and feelings.

I do hope we can get past this and move on and find someone and it will be better and we will be happier. Eventually they will be a distant memory and it will all be ok. I hope!