scarlet.vixn Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Two and a half years ago I met the man I swore one day I would marry. I'm not sure any of you have had this experience or if you would believe me when I say that the second I laid my eyes on him I felt like I had found "the one". It's incredible to say the least that someone like me would say that, especially back when I met him I took a rather cynical approach to love. He changed a lot of that. For three months it was great, then he started having confidence issues as well as depression. I put a lot of my insecurities on the back burner to help with him. After 6 months we took a break that really messed with me because I felt as if I couldn't confide in him for a while once we got back together. We were together for another 5 months and then abruptly after one argument we broke up. When I say abrupt I mean completely totally unexpected. For instance a month before we broke up he went to a wedding and called me and said, "Babe I want this to be us one day", a week before we broke up he bought me roses because it was wednesday, a few nights before we broke up, he whispered that he loved me when he thought I was sleeping. We fought over what he assumed was my passiveness in the relationship. The fact that we didn't fight. He assumed that I was keeping silent about things that bothered me. Now I've said that this is something that I did but I also need to explain that the things that bothered me weren't necessarily deal breakers. I'm a relatively laid back person due to the fact that I am aware of how overly emotional I can be. I have a problem with feeling things way too deeply so I have learned over the years to patiently examine what things are worth fighting over and what wasn't worth fighting over. Things got messy after we broke up. A lot of mixed signals, and a lot of personal issues that really didn't help. For about another 4 or 5 months after we broke up we tried to be friends but life got really bad for both of us individually. I was very proud and didn't tell him a few things that were important for him to know and we lost our friendship after I sent a rage filled letter to him saying everything I never said. It's been a year almost exactly since we've really talked he moved out of state and came back, both of us being kept aware of the other's movements from friends and family. I did end up running into him and his new girlfriend once at the theater and it was moderately polite without us really talking about anything. A few days ago I celebrated my birthday and out of the blue I got a facebook message from him wishing me a happy birthday. We started talking and teasing like we used to...almost like nothing had happened. But then he asked me if I still hated him and I told him that hate and love are a two sided coin, saying I didn't hate him anymore would be like saying I didn't love him anymore, and seeing as how he was my first big love there was always going to be a part of me that loved him, but it had been so long since we talked that neither one of us were the same person and we didn't know eachother well enough to hate. After that it returned to normal banter and he invited me out to see him last night. I had plans so I told him I'd see him some other time. My plans were canceled and I ended up showing up to see him... I guess I couldn't help myself. And there it was all over again, just like the first moment I saw him. It was as if a part of my soul had come home. We talked like old friends. And we cleared the air about a lot of things. By the end of the night neither one of us really wanted to be the first one to say goodbye. There's this invisible line that connects us and draws me back to him and when I'm with him I feel the same connection inside of him the way he acts and looks at me. He's seeing someone now and if he's happy I really don't want to mess that up. And at the same time I have missed him so much the past year, not just the romantic part, but as a friend. Here's the thing. I know the right answer is to stay away and let him figure things out with his girlfriend and let myself move on. That's what my head tells me to do, that's what my morals says is the right thing to do. But my heart, my heart says that whether he's my boyfriend, my lover, my husband or just my friend the only time I feel complete is when we're together, he's supposed to be in my life. My heart says that he's struggling too, finding comfort in the better parts of our past, and that he hasn't completely let go either, (evidenced by the fact that he has a lot of the things I gave him even though it bothers current girlfriends, and that he still talks about me to current girlfriends). My head and my heart are at odds with one another. Do I want him back? Yes. Do I realize that I'm not the same person and neither is he? Yes. Do I think I can lead an emotionally satisfying life without him? Possibly. Hell I may find someone else and get married and have a wonderful life. I really don't know. Now re-reading this the advice I think I'd give myself is to clear the air. Get closure by forgiving and asking to be forgiven. If he asks to see me again then firmly explain to him that the feelings I had for him were too deep to reconcile to friendship right away even if it has been a year. I need to be honest and say that I'm unsure of a possible relationship with him where I wouldn't eventually want more and therefore out of respect to him and his girlfriend, any rebuilding of our relationship will have to be slow and a starting over process. Express that I want him in my life but not at the cost of more pain to either one of us or an innocent party. ...What do you guys think?
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