plainjane79 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 One thing that I have never completely understood in dating is "the spark." I grew up in a family where nobody divorced, cheated or abused one another, and everyone stayed seemingly happily married; grandparents, aunts and uncles, parents. For example, my parents met when my mother was 18 and my father was 24; they married soon after, and have been married 40+ years. They are still very much in love. When I ask them what attracted them to one another in the first place the answer is very practical: my dad thought my mom was hot (paraphrasing here,) smart, and sane, and my mom thought my dad was attractive, stable, and a good provider. Growing up with this example, and well into my late 20s, I thought marriage was something that just happened when you met someone who was pretty cool and wanted to start a life with you and eventually grow old together. I don't think I ever really felt a spark with any of my serious boyfriends, though I thought they were really stand-up guys, but then again, none of those relationships worked out. At 27 I thought I was in love with a guy who didn't want to date me seriously, but looking back we barely hung out except to hook up every few weeks or so, so I don't think I really knew him and was kind of in love with the idea of him. We're still very close friends and I admire him greatly, but now that I know him well I think what I thought was a deep connection was just an illusion. So now that I'm dating with a bit more focus on finding the right guy for the long haul, I find myself a bit nervous about the fact that I've never really sparked with anyone and don't really have much desire to do so. I'm super practical and like to take my time getting to know people, and generally if a guy makes it to date 4 or 5 I can see myself settling down with him eventually (provided he doesn't show himself to be bat**** or abusive or a cheater or something seriously awful down the line.) Unfortunately, the past few guys I've dated have just kind of wandered off after an initial show of interest, without much explanation or obvious reason, and I don't know if this is pretty much how it's going to go for me from now on if I keep being OK with dating guys with whom I don't feel this electricity thing. So what say you all? Am I hopeless? Is it possible to just not be the sparking type? Will I ever be able to find love and settle down this way or is there something I should be trying to work on or improve? Anyone else have this "problem"....?
iiiii Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Do you mean a sexual spark? Because it kind of sounds like you are trying to date these guys who you like and get on with, but aren't particularly attracted to. Sex is a pretty important part of a relationship, so if these guys can sense you're not attracted to them, then they're probably backing off. Or are you talking about not ever feeling love at first sight, even with guys you're attracted to?
iris219 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 My concern is this: you seem to be suggesting that these men wander off because you aren’t showing much interest or passion, and you aren’t showing this passion because you don’t feel it. Is this correct? If you are OK settling down with a man you don’t feel passion for, that’s fine (though you may regret it later on), but if the fact that you aren’t really attracted oozes out of you and is obvious, that will be a problem because most men won’t want this (unless they are desperate). It seems that you can feel a spark; you just felt it with the wrong guy. Now you’re trying to avoid that same mistake by being ultra practical and sacrificing passion and dating good on paper guys (who are probably great for somebody else). You just need to find a balance; it’s not an either/or thing. You can find the spark with a stable, relationship minded man. It just hasn’t happened to you yet.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 I think malibu hit the nail on the head with how I feel...I can't feel anything instant but over time, with trust and familiarity, I begin to feel a warm, comfortable appreciation for someone. It usually takes me about three or four dates to feel attracted enough to even to kiss a guy. Sure, I can be physically or sexually attracted to someone at first but it's not anything that knocks me off my feet until I know the guy better. Because of that, I don't really care much if a guy wanders off after the first or second date...it's the ones who give me a month or two and then fade away without any complaints that make me wonder if I'm just moving too slow or missing something in the way I interact with them (despite genuinely liking them and wanting to get to know them better.) As for what I felt with that guy when I was 27, I don't really consider it a legitimate example of my capability to feel a spark. Feeling something for someone who leaves you guessing and off-balance all the time is not the same as feeling something for someone who is right there in front of you and not playing games. I hope you're right, that a nice stable man can make me feel the same some day...but I wonder if what I felt for the initial guy was partially panic and desperation more so than anything a healthy relationship could elicit....
xpaperxcutx Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 I try not to believe in instant attraction because I've been in situations where if there were sparks, it quickly fizzled out. I'm currently in a relationship where trust and love built over time and my attraction for my botfriend has increased significantly. Most importantly , we have similar wants and needs. We bpth want a deep meaningful relationship that will lead to marriage and we prioritize trust and each other's feelings. I can say these altogether prolongs passion.
somedude81 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 How come I never see men make threads about sparks, chemistry or butterflies?
xxoo Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 I believe that spark, and chemistry, is something that develops and reveals itself--and not something that needs to be immediately apparent. Within 4-5 dates, you should know if there is an urge to kiss him, touch him, smell him, and see more of him (literally and figuratively). Instant attraction can be short lived, if you get to know a guy better and his personality is a huge turn-off. How come I never see men make threads about sparks, chemistry or butterflies? Because men find many women suitable for sex (though not necessarily suitable for a relationship). 1
Author plainjane79 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 How come I never see men make threads about sparks, chemistry or butterflies? I think that most men are just not that verbally descriptive. I've heard guys talk about some supposedly great girl they're seeing but they just "don't feel it" for her. I assume it's the same thing but described more vaguely. I don't think I'm DOING anything to cause these men I'm dating to wander off; the only thing I can assume is they're not feeling a certain something for me, but they don't spend as much time as women may in trying to define and classify it. Maybe?
Lonely Ronin Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 I don't think I'm DOING anything to cause these men I'm dating to wander off; the only thing I can assume is they're not feeling a certain something for me, but they don't spend as much time as women may in trying to define and classify it. Maybe? Most likely, If I sense a woman is on the fence after a handful of dates, or isn't opening up and showing me who she really is I quickly loose interest.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 Most likely, If I sense a woman is on the fence after a handful of dates, or isn't opening up and showing me who she really is I quickly loose interest. And how does she go about opening up and showing you who she is?
Lonely Ronin Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 And how does she go about opening up and showing you who she is? Telling me things about her that are more than skin deep. The last woman I dated liked to cook a lot. Instead of saying she like to cook and leaving it at that, she explained why she liked cooking. Her reasoning said a lot about who she was as a person. Opening up is very attractive, as it shows you are comfortable, and not afraid to be vulnerable.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 Telling me things about her that are more than skin deep. The last woman I dated liked to cook a lot. Instead of saying she like to cook and leaving it at that, she explained why she liked cooking. Her reasoning said a lot about who she was as a person. Opening up is very attractive, as it shows you are comfortable, and not afraid to be vulnerable. Oh fair enough. Yeah that's definitely not my problem then. I'm very open about my passions and opinions. I never lack for things to say and do. I mean, explaining why I like to cook or read or why I'm a particular political affiliation or why I volunteer at animal shelters, etc., is something I'd do with a friend anyway. It's the gushy romantic physical stuff that I have a problem with. I'm physically affectionate but it's not something that comes naturally, especially not when I haven't fully warmed up to someone emotionally. So I guess maybe that's coming across as awkward or forced.
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