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After 9 years...trying to understand what happened.


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Posted

Ok…just wanted to vent and get everyone’s opinion on this. My ex fiancée and I have been together for almost 9 years. We broke up about a little over a month ago. When she broke up with me I did not see it coming. Previously we had broken up a year ago because there was another guy and she felt that she had lost the spark for me. We were broken up about a month and then we got back together. I think the reason why we got back together back then was because the other guy was not viable. He goes to school in the Midwest and we are in the west coast. So we were trying to work things out and I thought everything was going fine. Then out of no where she tells me that she doesn’t know how she feels about me and wants some space. So a repeat of what happened last year. I said fine….take the space and figure out what you need to figure out (better now than when we are married right)

 

I come to find out that there is another guy again. This time he is viable as he is here. So a few days goes by and she makes it official that we are broken up. She ends up blaming everything on me and basically throws the kitchen sink at me. I was like wtf? Every time I talk to her she is so hostile to me. I begin to do what every dumpee does and I panic then start to beg, plead, etc. After two weeks I decided that this isn’t going to work and that I need to leave with some dignity so I initiate NC. She begins to text me every now and then about administrative issues. Following my friends instructions I ignore what I deem as unimportant and only answering what I think is important. She gets mad at me because I’m ignoring her. She says stupid things like “I hate it when I want space you don’t give it to me but when you want space you shut me out.” I was like WTF? We are broken up!!! You are with another guy leave me alone! I didn’t exactly say this but I was thinking it. I just continue to ignore her. She continues to text me regarding administrative issues as we have been living together almost the entire 9 years so it’s hard to cut ties. She continues to text me dumb things like “If you do not want to deal with me (US) then let me know I will not bother you again” when I ignore her. Ok…there is no US! Why would you say things like that! Am I over thinking this or are these breadcrumbs as my friends would call it. Regardless, I continue with NC or LC because I can feel myself getting better.

 

I spend a lot of time trying to understand what happened and why we fell apart outside of the other guy. The only thing I can think of is possibly due to GIGS although her age is out of that range. She is 32 but a recent graduate of college. She hangs out with 24 year olds so I think that may have something to do with it. After our break up she says that she is happy that she feels a burden has been lifted from her. She goes out and parties with her friends basically enjoying life. I try as best I can to move on keeping myself busy and focusing on my career. I’m just trying to understand where we went wrong? Before NC I ask her and one day she gives me one response then the next day she gives me another. They are all inconsistent with only one underlying theme. Its my fault! It doesn’t matter one way or the other as I’m moving on but I was just trying to understand the situation. Thoughts?

Posted

Hi

This is very basic

9 years together is a long time to know if things are going to work out or not .

It didnt work for you 2 .

Dont waste time asking , why did she left me , why it didnt work out . was my fault ? was her fault ? can we get together again ?

 

You should just accept that wasnt suposed to happen , and go nc with her.

Theres no space in your life for her , let her go and move on .

  • Author
Posted

I guess i'm trying to figure out what happened as kind of a learning lesson. Do I want her back? Probably not. Am I moving on? Most definately. Am I going to continue NC....you bet. What i'm concerned about is if this happened in a 9 year relationship and I don't learn from this then whats to say it wont happen again. I read on these boards how people are together for so long, married and with kids to see if all fall apart. I really dont want this to ever happen again so i'm hoping that I can learn from this in hopes to prevent it from happening again in the future. Don't get me wrong...I'm not dwelling on what could have been or what should have been. I understand the reality and accept it. All I can do is move on and that's what i'm doing. It just sucks with all the time that I invested in this relationship to see it fall apart like this.

Posted

And whats the point knowing what you did wrong ? i bet you did alot of wrong things in the relationship , and said alot of stupid stuff , but in the end she didnt accepted you by who you are .

did you hit her ? did you call her names just to hurt her ? yes you can change that , but stuff like , why didnt i spend more time with her ? or why didnt i give her more gifts ... thats who you are , and she was the one breaking the relationship , not because she wanted to be alone , but to be with other guys .

 

Theres nothing in a relationship that can tell you if you are going to be together forever , you know that everything is perfect in the first few months , then the relationship only works if you and your partner accepts each other .

 

just move on

  • Author
Posted

Believe me I am moving on. I know there are no guarantees if a relationship will last forever but there things you can do to mitigate broken relationships. Maybe its because i'm quants kind of guy and thats part my training thats kicking in who knows.

 

As for how I treated her...I never hit her nor did I ever call her any names. We travelled the world together and I showered her with gifts. We have been to more places in the world then most people our age. I always put her first and everyone thought we had a good relationship. I put her through school and have never been anything but supportive of her endeavors. Did we have our disagreements? Yes but we always managed to work them out. We are close in age so I dont understand where the disconnect is. Everyone tells me I spoil her maybe thats it. Who knows? I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes in my next relationship thats all.

Posted
Believe me I am moving on. I know there are no guarantees if a relationship will last forever but there things you can do to mitigate broken relationships. Maybe its because i'm quants kind of guy and thats part my training thats kicking in who knows.

 

As for how I treated her...I never hit her nor did I ever call her any names. We travelled the world together and I showered her with gifts. We have been to more places in the world then most people our age. I always put her first and everyone thought we had a good relationship. I put her through school and have never been anything but supportive of her endeavors. Did we have our disagreements? Yes but we always managed to work them out. We are close in age so I dont understand where the disconnect is. Everyone tells me I spoil her maybe thats it. Who knows? I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes in my next relationship thats all.

it's the spoiling. My ex ALWAYS spoiled me with gifts. I always told her to stop, but she couldn't. I felt bad, because I didn't have money to use being a student and she also had very little but kept spending on me.

 

But the spoiling made it worse, because you slowly take the person for granted over time. Which is why I told her to stop, because I felt it was wrong on many levels. I just wanted her and never needed anything else or any gifts.

 

Spoiling is a BAD thing. People should EQUALLY give each other things. ANd if the other person doesn't or can;t then it should be kept to a minimal. Spoiling just wrecks a person over time. Think of a spoiled kid vs a kid that gets gifts once in awhile. You will see a huge difference in attitudes of each kid.

 

Next time I will say DON'T spoil the person too much unless they do it back too.

Posted

Positives: You has a successful 8 year rel. Not 9, but 8.

 

Lessons: Go with your gut instinct ALWAYS. At year 8 when the other guy wasn't viable, i would have ran for the hills and thought, hey I need to build up my self esteem and nurse my ego, she's putting another guy over me.

 

She sounds immature, blameshifter, taking no responsibility and hanging out with people nearly 10 years her junior, impressionable she sounds and I sound like Yoda, sorry.

  • Author
Posted

Spoiling is a BAD thing. People should EQUALLY give each other things. ANd if the other person doesn't or can;t then it should be kept to a minimal. Spoiling just wrecks a person over time. Think of a spoiled kid vs a kid that gets gifts once in awhile. You will see a huge difference in attitudes of each kid.

 

Next time I will say DON'T spoil the person too much unless they do it back too.

 

I don't know maybe you are right. When I was younger I was always taught that when you love someone you make sure that they are ok. You do whatever is necessary to make them happy. Watching my parents I saw what my dad did for my mom and I guess I emulated that. I wanted to make sure she was happy and anything that she wanted I was able to provide. I guess maybe my next relationship will be different. Thanks for the advice.

  • Author
Posted

@ McNulty

 

 

You are probably right. I should have gone with my instincts. In hindsight I should have left and never looked back the first time this happened. The only thing was I was so devastated that I wanted her back. Maybe it was because we were engaged and I felt that it was more like a bigger commitment so I did what I had to in order to "fix" the relationship. In my past relationships when anything like this would ever happen I would run for the hills and never look back. This relationship did a number on me.

 

I also agree that for someone at the age of 32 she should have everything together. I think its the whole college bit and the fact that she was never able to live her life....and so its time that she did. In years past she wanted to be married and have a family. Up until recently this all changed. This is why I think that she has GIGS. Whatever the case it really doesn't matter anymore. What happened has happened and all I can do is move on. Thanks for the advice Yoda/McNulty jk.

  • Like 1
Posted
Spoiling is a BAD thing. People should EQUALLY give each other things. ANd if the other person doesn't or can;t then it should be kept to a minimal. Spoiling just wrecks a person over time. Think of a spoiled kid vs a kid that gets gifts once in awhile. You will see a huge difference in attitudes of each kid.

 

Next time I will say DON'T spoil the person too much unless they do it back too.

 

I don't know maybe you are right. When I was younger I was always taught that when you love someone you make sure that they are ok. You do whatever is necessary to make them happy. Watching my parents I saw what my dad did for my mom and I guess I emulated that. I wanted to make sure she was happy and anything that she wanted I was able to provide. I guess maybe my next relationship will be different. Thanks for the advice.

 

Well I'm not saying spoiling is bad.. but it should be equal. I mean when my ex spoiled me I told her to stop. I know she loves me and thats why she did it.. but it made me feel bad, because I didn't have the $ to do it back. I always thought once we finish school and I have a job, I can get her anything. But for her that wasn't it.. she kept spoiling me and when I didn't she lashed out on me even after I told her I can't spoil her yet and she shouldn't spoil me.

 

I expect it to be equal and if I can't keep up my part of the spoilingness, then I expect my partner will slow it down too.

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