Enough

[cheerfuldoer]

I have told my husband of 22 years that I am done 5 times and he doesn't believe me. He refuses to take me serious. I continue to plan and save cash from each of my paychecks in my nest egg.

 

I'm not sure when the final straw will occur that causes me to make a definite move. I keep telling him that our marriage is over and he accuses me of throwing it away.

 

He hasn't been unfaithful that I'm aware of and I've never been unfaithful. I believe it's a matter of drifting apart. He is verbally offensive and I'm tired of it. When he gets mad he says what he wants to the kids and I. He is very selfish and it's all him, all the time. There are two entities in this home, him and everyone else. If he does anything, I have to hear about what a wonderful person he is and how much he does for me.

 

I used to be a stay at home mom, he used to be in the military. He traveled all the time. He was gone more than he was home in the early years. I kept the home fires burning just perfect, he always came home to a happy home. When he stopped traveling, I went back to college and finished my degree.

 

I am now working full time and I make the same amount of money as he does. I still have all of the home responsibilities I did when i was a stay at home mom in addition to my job I get paid for. I work 3 days a week (12-13 hour days) to be considered full time. I hear quite frequently how it must be nice to only work 3 days a week and lay around for 4.

 

Excuse me....

 

I do all finances, laundry, cleaning, shopping, cooking, kid stuff.

 

I'm to the point where I'm sick of it. Life is too short to be constantly knocked down by a bitter, unhappy person. We are showing our kids how a marriage is supposed to work and if my girls were in a marriage like this I would be sad.

 

One of our kids went through a horrible experience last year, getting accused of a crime he didn't commit. It all worked out and was dismissed, but my husband didn't take an active role in that either. I did everything, he didn't even know if the judge was a man or woman. That was the final straw, I realized that if a father could be upstairs playing video games on his computer while all that was going on with one of his children was not a man. When I questioned him, he turned it onto me, he said, well you were fine, if you needed my help you could have asked for it.

 

I realize that the success or failure of a marriage is the result of the effort of 2 people, so I realize that I have fault in this too. The lack of respect in this relationship is sickening, I just hate that my kids are witnessing it. I try so hard to be respectful to my husband, but everything he does annoys me. He doesn't care if anyone respects him, he just wants to be the kids friend. My 19 year old daughter was cussing at me and I said to him, can you help me out here, he said, you're the one who went in there and jumped her (she stayed out all night without checking in and I was discussing respect and house rules with her).

 

I have no idea of why I'm still here or what I'm supposed to do next.

[Balzac]

Welcome to LS. Lots of folks here will chime in.

 

I read your entire post. The important line was #1.

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I have no idea of why I'm still here or what I'm supposed to do next.

 

That answered itself didn't it? Sort of like this did:

 

I have told my husband of 22 years that I am done 5 times and he doesn't believe me.

 

Talk is cheap.

[pteromom]

I know what you are feeling.

 

It's a hard choice - to decide when enough is enough.

 

But there are other choices you can make in the meantime besides "Leave" or "Stay".

 

Start working on your own boundaries. For example, you say he is verbally offensive. Not sure what that means, but if he is insulting you or being abusive, you can stop accepting that behavior. There are great resources on the website bpdfamily.com to help you set and enforce boundaries (whether or not your husband is dealing with BPD).

 

Start working on letting go of your expectations of him. I know, I know. I too wish that my husband would be a more involved dad. That he would help out around the house. That he would be supportive and understanding. That he would be affectionate without wanting sex. But none of that is reality. I have tried everything in my power to get him to step up in these areas, and he never does. Even clear communication hasn't worked. So I have let go of the expectations. If there are no expectations, there is no disappointment.

 

Take responsibility for your own happiness. Do you wish you could have a girls night out once a month? Do you wish you could take a painting class? Find a way to make it happen. Make a deal with another mom to trade-off babysitting for personal time. You can do it without relying on your husband - but - it also means you have to be able to let his criticisms and jabs roll off your back. Which brings me to my last point -

 

Don't let his issues be your issues. He doesn't like the way you clean? That's his problem - he can accept it, or he can do it himself the way he likes it. This doesn't mean you can't still work on relationship issues, but you have to work on being able to ignore any guilt trips and attempted manipulations, and do what you know is right for you.

 

Once you start working on this stuff, things may get better for you, or it may become more obvious you have to leave. But work on your part in the marriage FIRST, so if you leave, you can leave knowing you did everything you knew how to do.

[cheerfuldoer]

I know what you are feeling.

 

It's a hard choice - to decide when enough is enough.

 

But there are other choices you can make in the meantime besides "Leave" or "Stay".

 

Start working on your own boundaries. For example, you say he is verbally offensive. Not sure what that means, but if he is insulting you or being abusive, you can stop accepting that behavior. There are great resources on the website bpdfamily.com to help you set and enforce boundaries (whether or not your husband is dealing with BPD).

 

Start working on letting go of your expectations of him. I know, I know. I too wish that my husband would be a more involved dad. That he would help out around the house. That he would be supportive and understanding. That he would be affectionate without wanting sex. But none of that is reality. I have tried everything in my power to get him to step up in these areas, and he never does. Even clear communication hasn't worked. So I have let go of the expectations. If there are no expectations, there is no disappointment.

 

Take responsibility for your own happiness. Do you wish you could have a girls night out once a month? Do you wish you could take a painting class? Find a way to make it happen. Make a deal with another mom to trade-off babysitting for personal time. You can do it without relying on your husband - but - it also means you have to be able to let his criticisms and jabs roll off your back. Which brings me to my last point -

 

Don't let his issues be your issues. He doesn't like the way you clean? That's his problem - he can accept it, or he can do it himself the way he likes it. This doesn't mean you can't still work on relationship issues, but you have to work on being able to ignore any guilt trips and attempted manipulations, and do what you know is right for you.

 

Once you start working on this stuff, things may get better for you, or it may become more obvious you have to leave. But work on your part in the marriage FIRST, so if you leave, you can leave knowing you did everything you knew how to do.

 

Thanks for responses everyone.

 

I do tell him he can't talk to me the way he does and he just goes and mumbles under his breath in the other room. I tell him that he's being real mature, and then he mumbles more and I let it go.

 

I honestly have no expectations of him. I do it all. He does the dishes sometimes and sometimes laundry (mostly his with a piece of someone else's thrown in for token).

 

I am very happy. I go out with my friends when I want. The kids are involved in club sports so when we go out of town, I have fun with friends then too. I have fun just eating lunch with the girls at work. I guess I've already mentally divorced myself from his sour moods. My parents were the same way and my mom was happy despite my dad being cranky all the time.

 

The last time I told him I was done and the marriage was over he told me he was going to try harder. He thinks it's little things like picking up, but it's the whole disrespect and selfishness. I told him, you can try all you want, but it's more than that. I said, I don't want you to be a robot, wondering what I want from you and how I want you to do things. You aren't acknowledging what I'm saying, and until you can acknowledge and see it, you can't fix it. As long as you don't see what I'm telling you I'm feeling, you're only doing what I want you to do in an attempt to make me happy. That is no way for you to live and that doesn't solve the problem. He said he would start helping me pay bills by putting the mail in the office.

 

It's easy not to leave right now. I've been paying bills off with the security of our combined incomes. We have this house to sell in this crap market too.

 

It's scary to leave too. I realize the longer I postpone it, the longer it takes to be over.

 

I realize that this is probably confusing to everyone but me, and I apologize. So much in my head that has been swirling for a couple of years and I'm finally getting it out.

[crazykat73]

We all know marriage isn't perfect and we shouldn't rely soley on our spouses for our happiness, but you sound very level headed and have a life outside of your husband, so that's good. I don't necessarily agree with staying in a marriage that's no longer fulfilling, but I also don't agree with throwing in the towel too early either. There are a number of things to consider. Remember, this is YOUR LIFE to live too. We only go around once, so you should try to be the happiest you can be with realistic expectations. If the relationship is now poisonous to you and your soul, then it's time to get out.

 

Marriage is a partnership and you chose to be in this relationship together. Right now you're not having a relationship. I am separated (1.5 years now) and had a pretty good marriage, but husband wasn't ready to work on things I needed him to work on in order for me to sustain it, so I moved out. Nothing epic ended our relationship - it's these kinds of small details you describe that add up and can end a relationship just as an affair can or something else. I think you should put your foot down firmly and demand more respect. Part of this strategy to wake him up would be to go to counseling AND/OR do a trial separation if things don't change.

 

Separation is really sad and hard for me. Once you leave, it is harder to go back because you start living a completely different life, so make sure it's something you want to do ultimately. Sad thing is, I think my husband now realizes the mistakes he made and wishes he corrected them sooner.

[SBC]

Just keep planning and when you are ready to go, you will know it. He wants to keep you where you are because it benefits him. If you leave, he will have to start doing all that sh*t (laundry, cleaning, cooking) himself --and he does not want to have to do that.

 

I would stop telling him you are planning on leaving too. You have told him once. He is not a child that needs reminding, even though he acts like it.

 

Good luck! And do not be afraid. Life as a single woman today is a wonderful thing. It is a life full of possibility and adventure.

 

[BetrayedH]

I continue to plan and save cash from each of my paychecks in my nest egg.

 

So, do you plan on disclosing the existence of this little nest egg to your husband? I doubt it. Is there some reason you feel entitled to hide marital funds for your own benefit? Why don't you stop using him for his money and just file for divorce today? Have some integrity instead of being a thief.

Edited November 17, 2012 by BetrayedH

[Midwestmom12]

BetrayedH,

 

I think calling the OP a thief is a bit harsh. If she plans to leave and wants to be able to support her children and herself she has a right to put away some of her OWN money. What if her husband is not responsible or good with money?

 

My husband is horrible with money so I have to keep money from him to avoid eviction. I think it's easy to judge others but if you yourself are not in their situation you really can't assume or pass judgement.

[BetrayedH]

The only assets (including income) that are HERS are those that are pre-marital. If she is stashing money away and doesn't disclose it in her divorce, she is committing a crime. There are laws that govern divorce and she should stick by them, not stash away marital cash while her unknowing husband stays committed to his marriage.

[cheerfuldoer]

So, do you plan on disclosing the existence of this little nest egg to your husband? I doubt it. Is there some reason you feel entitled to hide marital funds for your own benefit? Why don't you stop using him for his money and just file for divorce today? Have some integrity instead of being a thief.

 

He's the one who gave me the idea. Once in an argument he said, you probably have some top secret bank account somewhere. I didn't but I realized it was a great idea and since he already accuses me of it, why not. The checkbook registers are all kept on an open shelf, the passwords to the Internet banking are the same. He checks the accounts and can see the withdrawals. I see withdrawals he takes out and I don't question him. Most of the money in my next egg has come from me making a decision to work extra, for overtime.

 

Bottom line is I don't feel bad about it.

 

I'm editing to add this.

 

He has told me before that he's going to cancel debit and credit cards on me (this is without me threatening to leave). I don't know how he's going to react when I leave. I'm not willing to be without a means to get my kids food or pay for gas or put a roof over their head. This is the reason for the nest egg.

 

I realize that I'm going to be judged for everything I do related to this so I'm glad this forum is here to help me grow a thicker skin.

Edited November 17, 2012 by cheerfuldoer

[BetrayedH]

He's the one who gave me the idea. Once in an argument he said, you probably have some top secret bank account somewhere. I didn't but I realized it was a great idea and since he already accuses me of it, why not. The checkbook registers are all kept on an open shelf, the passwords to the Internet banking are the same. He checks the accounts and can see the withdrawals. I see withdrawals he takes out and I don't question him. Most of the money in my next egg has come from me making a decision to work extra, for overtime.

 

Bottom line is I don't feel bad about it.

 

As if any of that makes it right.

 

Any moral high ground you may have had is now lost. Enjoy being at his level.

[BetrayedH]

He's the one who gave me the idea. Once in an argument he said, you probably have some top secret bank account somewhere. I didn't but I realized it was a great idea and since he already accuses me of it, why not. The checkbook registers are all kept on an open shelf, the passwords to the Internet banking are the same. He checks the accounts and can see the withdrawals. I see withdrawals he takes out and I don't question him. Most of the money in my next egg has come from me making a decision to work extra, for overtime.

 

Bottom line is I don't feel bad about it.

 

I'm editing to add this.

 

He has told me before that he's going to cancel debit and credit cards on me (this is without me threatening to leave). I don't know how he's going to react when I leave. I'm not willing to be without a means to get my kids food or pay for gas or put a roof over their head. This is the reason for the nest egg.

 

I realize that I'm going to be judged for everything I do related to this so I'm glad this forum is here to help me grow a thicker skin.

 

Alright, I think your edit makes a difference. His threat puts you in this position. Just be sure to disclose this asset if/when it becomes time to do so. You're going to want to maintain your integrity. This stuff can get nasty and it can be tough not to get into one-up-man-ship. But I respect that you need to provide for your children during a separation that is not amicable.

[aMguilts]

I have told my husband of 22 years that I am done 5 times and he doesn't believe me. He refuses to take me serious. I continue to plan and save cash from each of my paychecks in my nest egg.

 

I'm not sure when the final straw will occur that causes me to make a definite move. I keep telling him that our marriage is over and he accuses me of throwing it away.

 

He hasn't been unfaithful that I'm aware of and I've never been unfaithful. I believe it's a matter of drifting apart. He is verbally offensive and I'm tired of it. When he gets mad he says what he wants to the kids and I. He is very selfish and it's all him, all the time. There are two entities in this home, him and everyone else. If he does anything, I have to hear about what a wonderful person he is and how much he does for me.

 

I used to be a stay at home mom, he used to be in the military. He traveled all the time. He was gone more than he was home in the early years. I kept the home fires burning just perfect, he always came home to a happy home. When he stopped traveling, I went back to college and finished my degree.

 

I am now working full time and I make the same amount of money as he does. I still have all of the home responsibilities I did when i was a stay at home mom in addition to my job I get paid for. I work 3 days a week (12-13 hour days) to be considered full time. I hear quite frequently how it must be nice to only work 3 days a week and lay around for 4.

 

Excuse me....

 

I do all finances, laundry, cleaning, shopping, cooking, kid stuff.

 

I'm to the point where I'm sick of it. Life is too short to be constantly knocked down by a bitter, unhappy person. We are showing our kids how a marriage is supposed to work and if my girls were in a marriage like this I would be sad.

 

One of our kids went through a horrible experience last year, getting accused of a crime he didn't commit. It all worked out and was dismissed, but my husband didn't take an active role in that either. I did everything, he didn't even know if the judge was a man or woman. That was the final straw, I realized that if a father could be upstairs playing video games on his computer while all that was going on with one of his children was not a man. When I questioned him, he turned it onto me, he said, well you were fine, if you needed my help you could have asked for it.

 

I realize that the success or failure of a marriage is the result of the effort of 2 people, so I realize that I have fault in this too. The lack of respect in this relationship is sickening, I just hate that my kids are witnessing it. I try so hard to be respectful to my husband, but everything he does annoys me. He doesn't care if anyone respects him, he just wants to be the kids friend. My 19 year old daughter was cussing at me and I said to him, can you help me out here, he said, you're the one who went in there and jumped her (she stayed out all night without checking in and I was discussing respect and house rules with her).

 

I have no idea of why I'm still here or what I'm supposed to do next.

 

hello cheerfuldoer

 

From what you posted you KNOW you will get a lot of negative responses.

 

Sorry for that. We ( well ok I, but i guess i speak for a lot on here) are all here for the same reason as you are. Help.

 

I hear your screams. Believe me i do.

It`s so hard to carry on when NOONE will listen to you.

And all the time you kick off and SHOUT out? And still no one listens.??

 

Do you feel guilty in anyway when you try and really say what`s on your mind? ( i do )

Do you feel frustrated that you are in a NO win situation?

 

Jeeez...From what you posted, you could be me!

 

 

In bold, for once, i don`t know what to say to a poster.

I am in the same boat as you.

 

Me personally, i`m living day by day. But in the the back of my mind i KNOW i need to make a decision.

 

And

(in the back of my mind, i already know the answer , ( it`s not the answer i want, it`s one of need)))

 

Sorry i couldn`t help .

 

aM

[aMguilts]

As if any of that makes it right.

 

Any moral high ground you may have had is now lost. Enjoy being at his level.

 

Saying things like this, really makes me wish there was a `dislike` option.

 

There is really no need to put your point across as you have.

 

aM

[BetrayedH]

Saying things like this, really makes me wish there was a `dislike` option.

 

There is really no need to put your point across as you have.

 

aM

 

There's an ethical way to divorce when it's truly necessary and then there's bull**** like hiding money. I stop feeling sympathy when people start their own bull****. If the OP has a legitimate fear of being cutoff, she has to do what she has to do. If not, hiding money is bull****.

[aMguilts]

There's an ethical way to divorce when it's truly necessary and then there's bull**** like hiding money. I stop feeling sympathy when people start their own bull****. If the OP has a legitimate fear of being cutoff, she has to do what she has to do. If not, hiding money is bull****.

 

hi BetrayedH.

 

yeah i agree totally. The OP never asked for your `ethical` opinion thou,

 

nor did she asked to be `judged`.

she asked for help, not criticism on what you think is right or wrong

 

aM

[cheerfuldoer]

hello cheerfuldoer

 

From what you posted you KNOW you will get a lot of negative responses.

 

Sorry for that. We ( well ok I, but i guess i speak for a lot on here) are all here for the same reason as you are. Help.

 

I hear your screams. Believe me i do.

It`s so hard to carry on when NOONE will listen to you.

And all the time you kick off and SHOUT out? And still no one listens.??

 

Do you feel guilty in anyway when you try and really say what`s on your mind? ( i do )

Do you feel frustrated that you are in a NO win situation?

 

Jeeez...From what you posted, you could be me!

 

 

In bold, for once, i don`t know what to say to a poster.

I am in the same boat as you.

 

Me personally, i`m living day by day. But in the the back of my mind i KNOW i need to make a decision.

 

And

(in the back of my mind, i already know the answer , ( it`s not the answer i want, it`s one of need)))

 

Sorry i couldn`t help .

 

aM

 

That's for the response, that's helpful. Is your story on here somewhere?

 

I stumbled across this forum doing a search of how to leave. I found this forum a long time ago and have lurked. I feel like joining and posting are big steps towards my leaving.

 

I feel like forums are reflective of society; there are people who you will click with, people who can relate, people who give, people who take, people who judge, people who understand. I'm the same person online that i am in life so i figure most others are as well. I'm sure what people are saying to my face here are things that will be said to me or behind my back in my real life.

 

I feel like I've already received some great advice and I plan to keep posting.