Girlfriend's self-esteem issues.

[Ironvein]

Hello again.

 

Damn, i really need to stop using that starter...

 

Well, this time i have a problem that's probably common in teenage girls. My girlfriend CAN'T ACCEPT her body the way it is. She always stalks other girls profiles who post those pictures where they wear only bikinis and other crap. And calls the bodies of other girls "flawless". And calls herself ugly. And no matter how hard i try, i just can't make her see that i love her body and i want her to be the way she is! In my opinion, NOTHING is flawless. Absolutely nothing. And i am a scrawny guy, so why would i be attractive? I don't know, but if she says i am, i believe her.

 

Sorry, i just needed to rant a little, any advice on reinforcing her self-esteem would be greatly appreciated!

[pteromom]

It's not your job to reinforce her self-esteem. This is her journey - to get to a place where she accepts herself and her body.

 

So, sure... give her honest compliments. Be loving and supportive. But don't take on the responsibility of reinforcing her self-esteem. They call it SELF-esteem for a reason.

[PepperPotts]

My boyfriend and I struggle with this. We have learned to give it up.

 

I mean, I put on my jeans this morning and was like "Yessss... the gym is working!"

 

Then I pulled them back off because I forgot lotion and decided my jeans must have been manufactured in the TARDIS because I swear, they must be bigger on the inside. Ugh.

 

I think I have a decently pretty face, but I'm not happy with my body. It took weeks for me to show any skin in front of my boyfriend, or even to be comfortable with him hugging me (I realize this is strange, but I had it in my head that he might be confused about my size because I dress for my body type, but if he actually put his arms around me he would figure it out, feel tricked and leave). I had to learn to accept that he was attracted to me or he wouldn't be with me, so I needed to trust him and believe him when he said he was. He had to learn that I didn't have to feel the same way about myself, and the most he could do was love me and help me accept that he sees me the way he sees me, even if I can't share that perspective.

 

Your girlfriend is the only one who can make her accept herself. Your job is to help her accept your love, and learn to trust you. Don't pressure her into it, and don't try to convince her she's beautiful because she's not going to believe you and it will just frustrate both of you.

 

And if you need a response when she talks about dieting or says she's ugly, just say "I think you're beautiful, and you should never change on my account. But I love you and support you in doing whatever you want to do for *yourself,* as long as it's healthy."

 

EDIT: And this doesn't end when high school does... I'm twenty-four and it's still a problem. It's not an easy mindset to get out of, so please, please, please be patient with her.

[Ironvein]

It's not your job to reinforce her self-esteem. This is her journey - to get to a place where she accepts herself and her body.

 

So, sure... give her honest compliments. Be loving and supportive. But don't take on the responsibility of reinforcing her self-esteem. They call it SELF-esteem for a reason.

 

Yeah, you made a good point. I'ts not my job, but i have to honestly compliment here and love and support her. Sometimes it just feels that she won't get a better self-esteem without my help.

[Ironvein]

My boyfriend and I struggle with this. We have learned to give it up.

 

I mean, I put on my jeans this morning and was like "Yessss... the gym is working!"

 

Then I pulled them back off because I forgot lotion and decided my jeans must have been manufactured in the TARDIS because I swear, they must be bigger on the inside. Ugh.

 

I think I have a decently pretty face, but I'm not happy with my body. It took weeks for me to show any skin in front of my boyfriend, or even to be comfortable with him hugging me (I realize this is strange, but I had it in my head that he might be confused about my size because I dress for my body type, but if he actually put his arms around me he would figure it out, feel tricked and leave). I had to learn to accept that he was attracted to me or he wouldn't be with me, so I needed to trust him and believe him when he said he was. He had to learn that I didn't have to feel the same way about myself, and the most he could do was love me and help me accept that he sees me the way he sees me, even if I can't share that perspective.

 

Your girlfriend is the only one who can make her accept herself. Your job is to help her accept your love, and learn to trust you. Don't pressure her into it, and don't try to convince her she's beautiful because she's not going to believe you and it will just frustrate both of you.

 

And if you need a response when she talks about dieting or says she's ugly, just say "I think you're beautiful, and you should never change on my account. But I love you and support you in doing whatever you want to do for *yourself,* as long as it's healthy."

 

EDIT: And this doesn't end when high school does... I'm twenty-four and it's still a problem. It's not an easy mindset to get out of, so please, please, please be patient with her.

 

Giving up is not an option for me, hahaha. I think my girlfriend's face is stunning, but so is her body (in my opinion, of course). I wish she will learn...

[Ironvein]

Continuation from that last post.

 

... to believe that i love her body no matter what. And yeah, i guess i will have to accept that she won't see herself the way i do. I just wish she would be at peace with herself. That "I think you're beautiful, and you should never change on my account. But I love you and support you in doing whatever you want to do for *yourself,* as long as it's healthy." thing would be great to say. I do want to support her, as long as it's healthy. She would exercise to get the body she wants, but it's pretty risky at the moment. She also has a rare skin condition that makes it so if she sweats, there will most likely be boils. The condition is said to have no cure, but i believe there is a cure. People have not tried everything yet. The condition affects her body image too, and that's unfair she of all people has it. But i accept it, and i find her no less attractive. And i will try my best to remain patient. I was called patient in the past, maybe it's time to live up to that name. Thank you for the helpful answer, i appreciate it! And Pteromom, thank you too!