A "Pause"?!

[FoxBat]

Hello everyone,

So here is my primary conundrum. I’ve been told the usual things that woman may say such as, “I don’t see you in that way”, “Can we be friends?” and “Let’s slow down”.

The last woman I had dated said, “Can we put us on pause for a bit”? This one really through me for a loop, so I’m asking the community your thoughts. Here’s some background.

 

We’re both in our lower 30’s

We’re both single parents with primary care of our children

Her Ex-Husband sabotaged her career

Her Ex-boyfriend (most recent) was controlling.

We have a “Work Connection”, in that she works with someone in the organization where I work.

 

 

We first met at a lunch with her Son (6). We decided that it was OK as both of us are single parents and most of our time is spent with the little ones, and we’d be meeting as friends. That went very well. We had a great time. Next week, she came to my house even for dinner with the children. Again, things were light at this point.

I was the one that was primarily reaching out to try and set up the next date/meeting/place. She would never reciprocate, but now that I think about it, I may have not given her the chance/time to. During out times together, I would jokingly poke at her for not getting back to me. Here’s where I didn’t listen

Fast forward to our first night out alone. Things were going well. Wine, Live music, great conversation. It seemed like a magical night and we both stated how other people knew we were on a date and maybe they were just a little jealous of us. During the goodbye, I started to say something and stopped myself. She asked me what it was that I was going to say. I told her that I was going to ask when the next time I would see her would be, but that you like keeping me on a thread as I held out my arm like dangling a piece of thread. She pulled me to her and said, “Just be patient with me”, and I returned, “I will, you’re a woman worth waiting for”. She was even playfully calling me names like Sweet Pea and Darling. The night ended very well, and we couldn’t take our eyes off each other as we drove away smiling.

 

 

Two days later, I text her lightly, “Hey Honey Buns ;-) hope you’re day is going well, Care to get the kids together for a playdate sometime?”

And then she responds later in the day with,

 

 

“Honey buns... a nickname already!? Hey listen I had a GREAT time the other night, but I have to say i'm having some reservations too. I've always jumped from one long term relationship to the next... and it feels like if we continue it would turn into something more.

 

Doesn't make any sense to you i'm sure... but I really need to work on not being codependant. Can we put us on pause for a bit? I'll reach out when i'm in a space to develop a real relationship. In the mean time I feel like i'm going to give you the feeling of keeping you hanging on a thread and that's just not fair.

 

I hope you can read the compliment implied. Let us just take a moment to pause...

 

 

ps... you're a fabulous kisser and a kindred spirit.

 

And then I replied:

Eh, I was just trying to be silly, that's all. There was no deeper meaning to it at all. And I'm sorry if you took it in such a way. I rather enjoyed seeing you on a weekly or bi-weekly basis. I'll admit that I'm rather smitten with you, and I too feel it would turn into something more. You're a special woman. And at no time did you seriously keep me hanging. You've got a busy life as do I. Take care of yourself and don't forget to have fun

 

At this point, I was going to start the NC rule. But two days after the “pause” email, She came into my office. She was at my place of work for a legitimate work related meeting. She said she wanted to apologize for “dropping of the face of the earth, as I had very early stated to her through conversation, that I was almost done with the dating thing, as women would text a lot, call a lot and I would spend all this energy into getting to know someone, and they would drop off the face of the earth after we met and not even build any kind of friendship. I told her that I was reflecting a lot and said that I may have smothered her. She said no, it was more like “OMG this is great I’ll be married in two months”.

 

 

 

She said that she was sorry for doing that to me, and that there shouldn’t be a reason we can’t be friends in the meantime. And I told her, Yeah, no problem, perhaps we can go for a drink or get something to eat sometime. Then she asked if she could give me a hug and if it was appropriate (because I’m at work?)

 

What are your thoughts?

[Balzac]

You are likely a great guy, she however is not psychologically healthy. Her reports about exH and exBF speak more about her, less about them.

 

As a single parent, why would you choose to engage in a relationship w her?

You cannot fix her.

[FitChick]

You could be totally passive and let her initiate.

[Later82012]

The situation doesn't look too positive for you. You should start checking out any other options you have IMO.

[DC4]

I'd cut this one loose. If you're in the market for a relationship then you'll probably be wasting your time here. I'm sure she's a great lady and all, but I don't like that "pause" thing in the least. I'm sure you have enough friends. Don't put yourself through the agony of seeing someone you could potentially like-trust me.

[iiiii]

Either she's unsure about whether she wants you (which probably means no), or she is genuinely wanting to get to know you better before deciding whether she wants to commit to a proper relationship (which may be reasonable, if she's been burned by jumping into an intense relationship too quickly in the past).

 

If you're really interested in a long term relationship with her (rather than just a fling), forgetting the sex side of things and just hanging out with her for a month or two first isn't too much to ask. But, don't be a doormat. I would make sure that she knows you are still looking to date other people during the "pause".

 

She can't have it both ways. Either you're dating her, or you're just friends. If you're just friends, you are allowed to date other people. She can't keep you in stasis while she decides. That's not fair to you.

[phineas]

Who cares what it means.

It's what it doesn't mean that is important. You getting naked with her.

 

I put that in the same category as "taking it slow" & "friends first" essentially wasting my time.

 

Nothing seems to change a woman's mind about a guy more than him leaving her in the dust & finding another one.

 

But in all honesty, do you want someone who only wants to be with you because someone else wants you?

[ja123]

She sounds OK, I mean, she recognizes that she's codependent and she wants to take personal responsibility for herself so she can change. The work required to make such fundamental changes is much and takes long.

 

I'd say she's telling you that she needs space and time. She's trying to reset so she can have healthy boundaries and self-esteem: for herself, for her children, and for her future romantic relationship.

 

She'll probably be on a rollarcoaster, too, during this time, as the reset period can be like a pendulum swinging back and forth.

 

So, OP, if you don't want to be on a rollarcoaster and if you're looking for a relationship now, then you'd better cut this one loose.

[FoxBat]

I realize we all have baggage. I don't think there's one person in this world that doesn't have some sort of baggage. I in no way want to fix her. She needs to do that on her own. The thing is, I never once picked up on any kind of codependency. I do believe though that any two people can work out issues that they have and be supportive, even if that means that I need to give her space.

 

I've done some pretty good reflection since her last email, and I've feel I may have even screwed up. The major thing being I use to bring up the fact that she didn't text or call me back. On our dates, I would jokingly poke fun at her for that. Perhaps that was myself being passive-agressive. Or once, she called me sweet, and I told her that friends call me sweet, not women that are interested in me.

 

Just today, I felt like testing the "friends" thing. I figured if she's allowed to come into my office while I'm working, then I should be able to give her a call on the weekend and ask if she gave one of her employees the news that we had discussed while she was in my office. This was simply a quick 15 second call to see how things went. Completely "friendly" and nothing about us. I've not yet received any kind of callback and I doubt I will. But really, if she was serious about being "friends", then I would figure a 2 minute call back wouldn't be that hard to do. I know, real friends don’t expect anything back.

 

I know now that even I am not probably ready for a relationship and I need to work on myself, due to my latest bad relationship. Hell, I'm still in a custody battle with my ex for my daughter, and all of my ex's crap is still in my house (my ex went psychotic and was homeless for two months).

 

What I have learned from this latest spark?

-- I need to take care of myself better. (Perhaps I'm a little codependant myself)

-- I need to be more trusting of others, and especially of myself.

-- I CAN have a spark with someone again. (It was hard thinking I could after my last relationship

-- I need to read between the lines better (Hell, I think this time I didn't even ready the lines)

 

I do however feel a little cheated and used. She was the one that initiated the kiss. She was the one that put her arm in mine, as we walked. She was the one that pulled me to her and said that I was special as she kissed me. But two days after sparks were flying, She said in her last letter, that she doesn’t want to keep me hanging by a thread, but she wants to put us in stasis with a “pause”. That kinda ticked me off a little, lol and I think I would have taken “It’s not going to work out” better than “Let us pause for a moment”.

 

I need to move on, I need to keep dating. Not to find my everlasting love, but to meet new people that will allow (and sometimes force) me to look within myself. If we end up being just friends, great. If we never talk again, then so be it. If we end up dating again and trying to learn and experience life with each other that would be ideal, but I’ve learned from this experience and really that’s all that I can ask for.

 

I wish I could tell her all of this. Perhaps I should, in a few months after the dust has settled.

[dasein]

Agree with balzac and phineas. The codependent talk, and her harsh reaction to flirtation she herself started with the flirty pet names on your date are troublesome. By the length of the posts, it seems you are buying into her as an available relationship prospect too soon, and you don't have enough information and feedback to do that. You have had one date and some family playtime. Your primary goals going forward should be to get to know her, have fun, and have sex.

 

She does like you, that's plain, but still noise at this point. I would cease all texting, emails, play dates with kids and phone calls. If you don't hear from her for a week or two, call her on the phone and ask her on a date for a specific time and place. If she calls, ask for the date right then. If she balks, or has other plans, and doesn't suggest a specific alternate time, move on. If she accepts the date, go be light fun and flirty, with no heavy "misunderstanding" talk or any other kind of "too fast" or relationship talk of any kind whatsoever. Just be light, flirty, warm and most importantly, respectfully physically forward.

 

If the date goes well, and you want to continue seeing her, ask her out again in 4-5 days with no interim contact whatsoever. After several dates with no contact between, 3-5, and provided physical contact is welcome and escalating, you can have one chat call or send a text per week, but the key here is no pressure talk at all, no long contact exchanges or phone calls.

 

I think, unfortunately, that you will find this woman not truly available for a relationship during the course of this process, and if that's the case, simply move on to more available prospects. No harm in giving it a bit more try though, just step back and disengage your emotions, engage your sexual desire, turn off everything "heavy" in your thoughts about this, and think of it as just dates with a woman you want to have sex with. Keep your desires in the forefrot, she's a big girl, let her worry about her desires. Focus on your desire to have sex with her and make plans to make that happen, avoiding pressure in that respect or rudeness of any kind, in essence be something of a politely horny teenager, not a single dad looking for a relationship, in how you think about and engage her. Sorry for the length, kind of rambled. Good luck.

Edited November 18, 2012 by dasein

[dasein]

Sorry, didn't read your second post. Just move on. It's tempting to try to lay blame, but she really didn't do anything wrong, nor did you, and she was honest with you about her not being interested for whatever reason. In the future, consider a dating plan similar to what I posted to avoid buying in too fast and build a solid foundation for increasing a woman's attraction to you.