todreaminblue Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 I was on a date with someone and he pointed out that he was really hurt by his ex because of her mental health problem and that he never wants to deal with something like that again. unfortunately, i have the same illness. for the most part, i have it under control. he really really likes me but i don't like him as much because he doesn't know the real me. do i just walk away from him or tell him about my condition. i don't want to be "open" myself for the hurt. the main reason why i friend zone potential dates is so they get to know me as a friend first I have a compounded mental illness..most guys would not be able to handle me..or the mental illness i have..i actually throw myself in the too hard basket often as i know that my mental illness is not easy to handle....i have friends and family who know me and love me they have the chance to see me not just my mental illness....i dont give too many people especially guys a chance too get to know me for self protection i guess .... it is going to be hard for you to tell this date because of his history with having a partner with mental illness tell him as soon as possible not over the phone and i read that you are going on a dinner date ,i would do it before the date, be prepared for him to walk away and know you did the right thing by telling him find comfort in that.......at least he isnt a guy when you tell him would think yes crazy chick hot sex lets go......which often happens with certain types of guys.......that to me is worse than a guy walking away......you will find someone who will accept you and its better you give this guy an out before you do end up hurt....hugs....deb 1
newmoon Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 do not tell. it's none of his business until you are more serious and have been dating a while. if you are on meds and taking care of yourself and do not display any outward signs of the illness then you should keep it private until you're sure of this guy - a few dates is not enough. my brother is schizophrenic and my sister is autistic i know from dealing with them that you need to have a very sympathetic partner and not someone who is already tainted from a bad past experience; think about the support you might need down the road and whether the man you're with (or choose) will offer that. this guy already went through it and didn't say positive stuff... 1
Taramere Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 (edited) I agree that there are a lot of misdianoses these days. BPD is in fashion now. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know you, but C-PTSD has some commonalities with BPD (yet it isn't BPD). As for the guy situation, if it were me, I guess I would just let him down nicely and move on. I would feel too uncomfortable trying to discuss the mental disorder with him as he's made it clear that he doesn't want to date anyone with the same thing as his ex. I'd feel like he made up his mind already and has formed too many judgments. Everyone is an individual and deserves to be treated as one. To address a post above: BPD, to my knowledge, is borderline personality disorder. I agree with all of this. I've a friend who's a GP and she's quite often sent on courses to help her identify patients who might have a mental health disorder (obviously where she suspects that she has to refer them on for a more specialised diagnosis as it's not one she can make herself). Fairly recently she went on a course about bipolar disorder, and it was interesting to hear how it's discussed in that context as opposed to in the context of people discussing relationships with exes who they think had a disorder - which is how I usually hear about it (either on this board, elsewhere on the internet or now and again in real life). There was quite a lot of discussion on that course about patients who present GPs with a self diagnosis of bipolar disorder on account of laypersons' diagnoses others have made. Often, she said, it's just a case of anxiety related difficulties, which are becoming increasingly common and can affect most people under a set of specific and highly stressful circumstances. Or poor emotional control, also very common when an individual is under a lot of stress. She said that what one of the most marked tell-tale symptoms is that people will have prolonged periods where they just don't sleep and don't seem to need to sleep. They'll be up all night engaged in frenetic activity. Housework, online shopping etc. Lovebug, I agree that it would be best to just end things with this guy. He's made it clear that he's already had a negative experience related to a woman having such a health problem and doesn't want a repeat. I think that's all the reason you need to end things. All you need to say is "I don't think we're compatible." Which would be truthful under the circumstances, and doesn't give him very personal and sensitive information about your health. Edited November 18, 2012 by Taramere
volentia Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 I too don't think you should tell him. No two partners that dance together move the exact same steps. What he experienced with her he may not experience with you, especially because you are aware of what your shortcomings are. On the other hand, think of this relationship as a testing ground for your new found awareness, we all come here with baggage, and he will be no angel. just be yourself. Granted he don't like anyone with a mental illness, show me anyone who don't suffer with some form of insanity and I'll show my arse in texas
Author lovebug1234 Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 this is a very good point. i pick up some level of impatience in him that i dislike, mainly because i know i'm going to have my breakdowns and such. it's actually very interesting because i'm aware of it but i can't seem to stop them, they still come, like storms, i just have to wait it out. i don't do wildly stupid things anymore but still, i need to know that someone can actually handle it in case it comes. do not tell. it's none of his business until you are more serious and have been dating a while. if you are on meds and taking care of yourself and do not display any outward signs of the illness then you should keep it private until you're sure of this guy - a few dates is not enough. my brother is schizophrenic and my sister is autistic i know from dealing with them that you need to have a very sympathetic partner and not someone who is already tainted from a bad past experience; think about the support you might need down the road and whether the man you're with (or choose) will offer that. this guy already went through it and didn't say positive stuff...
Author lovebug1234 Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 dinner didn't happen this week, i was going through stress and work so i told him to meet me for dinner somewhere near my house, he wanted me to go over to his place, which is a much further drive. i got irritated and so i just canceled plans. i'm starting to feel like he's an *******, maybe i should just give him the boot via text.
veggirl Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Stop seeing him. What is the point? You have a disorder that is a DEALBREAKER for him. You are just going to get hurt if you keep seeing him then he finds out and dumps you. So whatever excuse you use (him being an a-hole or whatever) to break it off, just do it. If you wanna keep seeing him you need to tell him. It would be like someone being all "I won't date someone with kids, they are a dealbreaker" and then you acting like you don't have kids when you really do.
carhill Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Yeah, if the dynamic is that annoying, a pass is in order. Dating and relationships should be happy and uplifting.
Sameold Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Tell him, not to scare him but just say I thought you should know especially as his ex had it. Explain how it affects you and how it makes you feel etc and leave it up to him. If he has feelings for you he should take it in his stride, I can't ever imagine an illness making me leave someone behind.
DC4 Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 He needs to know right now. Anything else and you're deceiving him. She doesn't have ebola for christs sake
AMusing Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 She doesn't have ebola for christs sake No but she also doesn't just have a hangnail either. This is a MAJOR thing for someone to deal with. Her partner has the right to choose if he wants to deal with it or not; especially since he flat-out told her his experience with a borderline girlfriend before. Leaving mental illness aside, because that's a hot-button issue, let's think this through using a simple example. Say I was on a date with a guy who hated dogs. He complained about his ex's dogs and how much stress they gave him, and said he would never date a woman with dogs again. Would it be reasonable for me to hide the fact that I have dogs too? No, of course not. I'd either tell him I had dogs too or just not go on another date with him. That's exactly what lovebug should do in her situation: tell him or cut him loose.
volentia Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 yes but it might be a puppy, and puppies are not all puppies grow up to have rabies
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