lovebug1234 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I was on a date with someone and he pointed out that he was really hurt by his ex because of her mental health problem and that he never wants to deal with something like that again. unfortunately, i have the same illness. for the most part, i have it under control. he really really likes me but i don't like him as much because he doesn't know the real me. do i just walk away from him or tell him about my condition. i don't want to be "open" myself for the hurt.
River Rain Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 No matter what, if you have a mental health disorder, it will pop up now and then, despite how well you manage it. I have depression and anxiety and I have it under control, have so for the last few years, but I did have a set back lately. The difference between then and now, is that I know what my triggers are, I avoid them and I have a solid plan of attack when a symptom rears its ugly head. You shouldn't hide something this important. I would tell him, in fact I have always told people about mine and the reaction isn't as bad as I thought it would be because they can see me for who I am today. He may be okay with it, you are managing it. But you have to be prepared for him to be turned off too. If he decides to bring his ex's baggage into your relationship, I wouldn't bother with him, because no matter how well you manage it, he'll always assume you'll act like her. People tend to group all those with mental health disorders into the same boat unfortunately, not realizing we all react and manage uniquely despite having the same disorders. 2
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 If you really like him, you'll have to open up and take risks. There IS a good chance that it will be a deal breaker, but isn't relationship all about trying to be vulnerable and true to ourselves and to be accepted and loved in all our sad and naked truth? You owe it to yourself to be known, and you owe him the chance to choose whether or not he wants to try to deal with that (whatever it is) again. It sounds like you've only been on one date? Your emotional investment won't be too high at this point. 2
Emilia Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 i would prefer not to. There are some - and I am speaking from experience - where a person is drawn to certain types of disorder and that's an extremely uncomfortable discovery about yourself. He has the right to know. This might endanger your relationship to a degree but that might happen anyway as he will work it out for himself eventually. 3
Author lovebug1234 Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 yah i think i feel the same way. a relationship where i can't be me sucks. sometimes i think maybe i'll be "normal" and just fit it. but i think as i've gotten older, "normal" sucks. we've been on a few dates. and no, i am not emotionally invested, mainly because he doesn't know about my illness. i've only told 2 people in my life. but how do i do it? over the phone? i'm meeting with him dinner tonight, i've been avoiding him lately mainly and because of that i think he's freaking out. it's also a weird topic in person too because if he freaks out over it, we're still stuck having dinner. i don't know when's the right time. not to mentioned i've been really stressed out at work. i've been using that partially as an excuse. i do want the freedom to be me.
Author lovebug1234 Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 There are some - and I am speaking from experience - where a person is drawn to certain types of disorder and that's an extremely uncomfortable discovery about yourself. He has the right to know. This might endanger your relationship to a degree but that might happen anyway as he will work it out for himself eventually. Really? Which disorder(s) are you drawn to?
River Rain Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 yah i think i feel the same way. a relationship where i can't be me sucks. sometimes i think maybe i'll be "normal" and just fit it. but i think as i've gotten older, "normal" sucks. we've been on a few dates. and no, i am not emotionally invested, mainly because he doesn't know about my illness. i've only told 2 people in my life. but how do i do it? over the phone? i'm meeting with him dinner tonight, i've been avoiding him lately mainly and because of that i think he's freaking out. it's also a weird topic in person too because if he freaks out over it, we're still stuck having dinner. i don't know when's the right time. not to mentioned i've been really stressed out at work. i've been using that partially as an excuse. i do want the freedom to be me. After dinner, in person. Or before your date on the phone, that'll give him a chance to cancel the date if he doesn't accept it.
Emilia Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Really? Which disorder(s) are you drawn to? BPD
Emilia Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 you've guessed it It's the one that pulls people in deep so that's the one we fear most. The fact that you have so much self-awareness means everything. You will beat it long term, I'm confident.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I especially think that if it's BPD you need to be upfront, as one of the hallmarks of that disorder is manipulative behavior. It probably comes fairly easily to you to "be" everything a guy would want you to be - when you really need to be yourself.
FitChick Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 What is so attractive about someone with BPD? I've never dated one, as far as I know. Perhaps I did and he totally turned me off. I'd like to be able to spot it and avoid it in the future if necessary.
ruhrohcd Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I told my girlfriend (of 3 years) right up front, before we got serious. Turns out her sister also battles mental illness, my soon-to-be-girlfriend knew what could be coming, and went for it anyway. Of course, my gf has been divorced twice, so maybe she felt like she had to accept a little nuttiness to be with someone!
pteromom Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 What is so attractive about someone with BPD? I've never dated one, as far as I know. Perhaps I did and he totally turned me off. I'd like to be able to spot it and avoid it in the future if necessary. They are very good at being incredibly passionate and loving right off the bat. They go ALL IN. They offer very high highs. (and later, very low lows.) However, OP - I don't think you need to tell someone your diagnosis after one date. See where it goes, and if it starts getting more serious, you need to tell him. But it all depends on who diagnosed you and what your history is. There is a lot of misdiagnosis on these personality disorders, so I wouldn't define yourself by your diagnosis. 2
dasein Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 .......... didn't read whole thread. No positive, useful advice to give. Sorry for mispost.
DC4 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 If you are well controlled on meds there isn't any reason to bring it up until if and when things are more serious. It's not his business at this point. There is no hiding uncontrolled BPD so if things are going fine, leave it. 1
Lorelai Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 When you say BPD, do you mean bipolar disorder, or borderline personality disorder? If you have bipolar disorder, especially Type I, he *NEEDS* to know this. No question. If you're Type II but you've never been hospitalized for an "up-swing", he may have been with a Bipolar I. Education on the differences between the disorders might be helpful. If you were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.... how do you feel about the diagnosis? Was it tacked on with a lot of others at a time of stress in your life when you went in to see someone about depression, or is this a long-standing diagnosis? Have you studied it or attempted Dialetical Behavioral Therapy if you actually do meet the criteria in the DSM for it? Personality disorders are often thrown around as secondary diagnoses, especially if the patient is young and female. If it's a primary diagnosis, if it really isn't depression that would cause the behaviors listed in the "borderline personality disorder" diagnostic criteria, then trying DBT if you haven't or telling him you've been or are having the best therapy known for the disorder is a good thing. 1
Tara247 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 He needs to know right now. Anything else and you're deceiving him.
ja123 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 (edited) They are very good at being incredibly passionate and loving right off the bat. They go ALL IN. They offer very high highs. (and later, very low lows.) However, OP - I don't think you need to tell someone your diagnosis after one date. See where it goes, and if it starts getting more serious, you need to tell him. But it all depends on who diagnosed you and what your history is. There is a lot of misdiagnosis on these personality disorders, so I wouldn't define yourself by your diagnosis. I agree that there are a lot of misdianoses these days. BPD is in fashion now. I'm not a psychologist and I don't know you, but C-PTSD has some commonalities with BPD (yet it isn't BPD). As for the guy situation, if it were me, I guess I would just let him down nicely and move on. I would feel too uncomfortable trying to discuss the mental disorder with him as he's made it clear that he doesn't want to date anyone with the same thing as his ex. I'd feel like he made up his mind already and has formed too many judgments. Everyone is an individual and deserves to be treated as one. To address a post above: BPD, to my knowledge, is borderline personality disorder. Edited November 17, 2012 by ja123 3
Author lovebug1234 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 ja123, i think that's what I'm going to do. grant it he's a nice guy and all but because of his quick/swift judgement, I don't feel like I want to open up to him. Ironically, he's the one who's moving really fast, within one month he already said he loved me (i don't feel the same way). maybe he's crazy too lol.
ja123 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 maybe he's crazy too lol. Yeah, you never know, eh?!!! Keep the faith! You'll find someone who'll love you just as you are!
AMusing Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 (edited) I recently broke up with someone who had BPD. We were 'together" on-and-off for three years. It was awful. His jealousy and fear of abandonment left me without any friends. I had to fight to do anything without him. When I did things that made him angry, he'd say the cruelest things I could imagine. But the intensity of his love (on his good days) left me addicted. So I can see why he'd feel like he loved you so soon; a person with BPD is amazing and thrilling and addictive and passionate and everything else you could possibly dream of.... in the beginning. He dragged me into his insanity and left me seriously wondering which one of us was crazy. He only recently got the diagnosis of BPD (~2 months ago), so I went through all this not knowing what the hell was going on. Now that I've finally broken free I see how crazy it really was. There is NOTHING that would make me live through that again. If I found out a new guy I was dating also was BPD I'd run away and never look back, regardless of how long we'd been together. At least if he told me right away, I would leave respecting his honesty a great deal. If he kept it from me and knew my history, I'd leave hating him. I'm not saying this to make the OP feel bad, to say she can't learn to manage her disorder, or to say she doesn't deserve love and happiness. But the kindest thing you can do for this guy is to let him go (ideally with an explanation). The longer you wait the more betrayed he'll feel and the harder it will be for you to tell him. You can find someone who doesn't have his history with BPD who can be more patient with you. Edited November 17, 2012 by AMusing
Author lovebug1234 Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 i said I was on a date, not that i had one date. jeez, don't need to blame everything on my mental health, okay? i do "function" in society for heaven' sake, i have a decent job and friends, and yes, i'm looking for love and not trying to **** it up. Are you talking about the same guy in your original post? In that one, you just said you were on a date with a guy, but here, you're saying you've been seeing him for a month and he's already told you he loves you. I'm confused. It's no fair to accuse him of having "swift/quick judgment" - especially if he's already been to the BiPolar rodeo and has his scars to prove it. I'm going to be honest and say I don't blame him one single bit for avoiding that again. Not one single bit. The few BiPolar people I've known have been violent. I've seen them throw chairs off 3 story balconies in rages, one girl punched her mother in the eye so hard it detached her retina and she couldn't work for 2 months, and one of my best friends lived with a BiPolar woman who was hospitalized every year like clockwork because she'd go off her meds. Not only that, but she broke down the bathroom door when he'd locked it to get away from her, dragged him across the carpet by his HAIR, and constantly went into insane rages. No thank you. I don't care if that behavior is the exception and not the rule. It's not worth it to me to take that gamble and I won't. I think it's only fair you tell anyone you start dating so they can make an informed choice.
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