Together 14 years; get 'I love you but am not in love with you' from husband

November 17, 2012

Wonder Woman, so sorry you are going through this. I am sure you are shocked but it seems like you are in denial too and trying to make excuses for what is happening instead of demanding the truth.

I got the same speech from my first husband and sadly he left too for the OW. The truth is they come around and realize that the grass was not greener on the other side, and when they see you doing well and out there living an exciting life this is when they start sniffing again. At that point you will be strong enough and smart enough to send him on his way.

He will never tell you the truth. He feels guilty and wants to see you through school? This is where you show him you don't need him.

you need to focus on your health and your thoughts. Go speak to therapist to deal with your feelings. No man is worth ending your life for. I am sure the right one is out there somewhere. If he leaves he is doing you a favor. You will not be by yourself but with yourself. In the end you will see things more clearly and be much better for it.

37 is still young enough to find love again. I did at 35. Unfortunately with a recent cheat but he knows he has a good woman and chose me.

The folks here are right when they say it takes two willing people to rebuild a marriage and he seems decided.

Stay strong and focus on you.

November 17, 2012

HI guys,

I have no where to go so I am giving this a shot... I don't want to lose him

I don't know if this helps but...

I think that now matter who he would have been with, this would have been the end result. He just wants to go out and play.

I think he cares deeply for you, this is love. But he has not the capacity to belong to a woman. If he did have that quality, to be devoted, this would not be a problem. But then he wouldn't be who he is... this person that you say you love.

So you love this man who has not the capacity to be dedicated. You want to keep a man who has not the one quality that you feel most important.

He made a promise that he obviously does not intend to keep. We could say he is a piece of ****, and as far as being a mate for you, you should call it as it is.

Everything in life is impermanent. Clinging to anything with always bring suffering because everything is impermanent.

What you are not seeing, this thing that you desire, limitless love, does exist for you. Just not in your current space and time. But it can and will exist for you if you set that as your intention.

This is a great opportunity for you to practice letting go. There will be more things that you will have to let go of in the future.

November 17, 2012

You keep talking about finishing school. Do you have a job?

My D (who is in her 30's) has been through 2 marriages where both of her Hs cheated on her. She filed for divorce from both of them. First H was her high school sweetheart and her second H was a family friend.

Throughout all her marriages, she had her career. She also went to college at night and will graduate this December with honors!

She also has a loving smart D who she tries hard to be a good example for.

No man is worth your life!

You said you have no family to lean on. Where are they?

November 17, 2012

OK so here's the deal,my family is extremely abusive, it was with his help i was able to walk away, i speak to my dad but he moved to the south. I am an LPN finishing up my pre-reqs to head to an accelerated bns program and from there the plan was to work as an RN while I get my NP. School is very hard and i work 3 days a week the rest is devoted to school, I also teach karate the other two days. someone had suggested divorce 180 and divorce busters, i called and have an appointment this week. I have spoken to my attorney and he aggrees that i need some kind of proof of a physical affair b/cand emotional affair is not enough to claim adultery. since wed. night I have not said a word about anything, he says he loves me i say nothing, he calls during the day i don't answer nor do i return his calls, i am not rude iam cordial. Look i may be in denial about the physical part but for right now i think it is b/c i am not ready to handle the rest of it. I know he is acting like a scumbag but i also know what he was like even a month before this, and while he has given up i am not ready to ..yet, i am just surviving, do i hope he comes to his senses yes of course, do i know that is slim yes, but i did not get married to give up. I can't make him stay and i can't make him love me the way he claims he used to but i can do what i need to do to survive. I f i leave and go to NC yes he needs to pay for school i can't do it alone, the program is full time and i need this to make a career for myself. WE all know it never works with the OW she is a fantasy and day to day is different than the fantasy, if i didn't need help form him i would not take it. Do I hope i can turn thsi around for now yes, give me some time once the anger stage hits i may sing a different tune. I can't see the light right now i really want to know there are good guys out there b/c i really thought i had one of the best. i understand he was honest , i gave him credit for that, i held his hand as he cried i consoled him for days before i broke. it is how he is handling it now teh cold but all of the sudden loving man thing is killing me, i am slowly changing, he has not seen me cry in days (ok its only 3 but that is pretty good since i was crying everyday for three weeks). yeha he wants me to kick him out and do his dirty work for him, no if you wnat to go i have told him to go, if he wnast to be with her leave but dont expect me to be the one to make you leave, you want to go than go. all we do is play a board game at night he tells me about his day, i nod my head, we go to bed he says "i love you" and i just ignore it now and turn off the light. He tries to cuddle i move away, i just started doing that in the last 3 days. I am on an anti-depressant, eating still is not going well but whatever. I am trying but no this is the hardest thing i ever had to do and i am scared out of my mind!!

November 17, 2012

OK so here's the deal,my family is extremely abusive, it was with his help i was able to walk away, i speak to my dad but he moved to the south. I am an LPN finishing up my pre-reqs to head to an accelerated bns program and from there the plan was to work as an RN while I get my NP. School is very hard and i work 3 days a week the rest is devoted to school, I also teach karate the other two days. someone had suggested divorce 180 and divorce busters, i called and have an appointment this week. I have spoken to my attorney and he aggrees that i need some kind of proof of a physical affair b/cand emotional affair is not enough to claim adultery. since wed. night I have not said a word about anything, he says he loves me i say nothing, he calls during the day i don't answer nor do i return his calls, i am not rude iam cordial. Look i may be in denial about the physical part but for right now i think it is b/c i am not ready to handle the rest of it. I know he is acting like a scumbag but i also know what he was like even a month before this, and while he has given up i am not ready to ..yet, i am just
surviving, do i hope he comes to his senses yes of course, do i know that is slim yes, but i did not get married to give up. I can't make him stay and i can't make him love me the way he claims he used to but i can do what i need to do to survive. I f i leave and go to NC yes he needs to pay for school i can't do it alone, the program is full time and i need this to make a career for myself. WE all know it never works with the OW she is a fantasy and day to day is different than the fantasy, if i didn't need help form him i would not take it. Do I hope i can turn thsi around for now yes, give me some time once the anger stage hits i may sing a different tune. I can't see the light right now i really want to know there are good guys out there b/c i really thought i had one of the best. i understand he was honest , i gave him credit for that, i held
his hand as he cried i consoled him for days before i broke. it is how he is handling it now teh cold but all of the sudden loving man thing is killing me, i am slowly changing, he has not seen me cry in days (ok its only 3 but that is pretty good since i was crying everyday for three weeks). yeha he wants me to kick him out and do his dirty work for him, no if you wnat to go i have told him to go, if he wnast to be with her leave but dont expect me to be the one to make you leave, you want to go than go. all we do is play a board game at night he tells me about his day, i nod my head, we go to bed he says "i love you" and i just ignore it now and turn off the light. He tries to cuddle i move away, i just started doing that in the last 3 days. I am on an anti-depressant, eating still is not going well but whatever. I am trying but no this is the hardest thing i ever had to do and i am scared out of my mind!!

You're already making progress in the last few days, stick to it, and as the shock wears off be prepared for the anger to kick in. Harness that anger, use your brain, and not just your emotions.

Don't let your fear render you helpless, you must look after your best interests.

Why hasn't he left. Most Ws's who tell their wives they want a divorce, already have an exit planned. Usually a new place to go to, have already contacted a divorce lawyer. Has he told you anything about his plans?

November 17, 2012

No plans, he thinks i will leave in August for school and the papers will be filed when I leave, we sill be seperated until I finish school and then file for divorce, so i dont go with out health insurance. He has no plans to leave me until I leave him. He wanst us to be best buddies and stay in each other's lives. I told him once i leave it will be like he never existed, no communication, he thinks that is just the hurt talking, he claims i was his first love and I am in his heart forever, (yeah ok). Today we had people come look at the apt. and so we had to leave for 1 hour, we went bowling, it is strained between us, I dont' say much, i try to keep it light he grabbed for my hand as we walked across the parking lot, i just kinda had it hanging there. Look i get what he has done is huuuugggee. I am hoping the man I love is in there, I know it is a very slim chance, but when I walk from this I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say "yes you tried it was him not you." I don't want to be jaded and vendictive. Like I said this is all fine until the anger stage sets in, I have only had flashes of it not the full blown explosion yet. When he told me he said he could not believe he told me there were no escape plans, he thought we could work on it but that lasted 3 days, then he flipped back to no we can't then he flipped again (but he felt he was not trying enough) so then it was this is inevitable let's split. but he sis say there was a shred that wanted to stay, even the therapist asked him if he really wnast to go or try and he says i think I am going down the path toward the OW but she kept saying and then he would dance around the question of why he has not left (claims he wants to see me strong) but even the therapist said to him you are so ambivalent, you have no plan, yet you remain, you kiss your wife everyday and say you love her, dont you think pausing on your path and breathing for a second is a good idea? he can't answer. he just is not dealing with it. I think there maybe a chance still but i dont know if that is the fear talking so for right now I am just going to go about my biz, not being too nice, not saying I love you and see what Divorce busters says on Tuesday, by then maybe the anger will have set in...

November 17, 2012

I wouldn't wait on the anger.

Mine was so intermittent and confused, it never served me very much.

But I completely relate to wanting to look in the mirror and know that I had done everything humanly possible that was my responsibility to do.

It seems that you've begun to distance yourself from the situation and gain a little momentum. Congratulations! It's a tough thing to do.

November 17, 2012

No plans, he thinks i will leave in August for school and the papers will be filed when I leave, we sill be seperated until I finish school and then file for divorce, so i dont go with out health insurance. He has no plans to leave me until I leave him. He wanst us to be best buddies and stay in each other's lives. I told him once i leave it will be like he never existed, no communication, he thinks that is just the hurt talking, he claims i was his first love and I am in his heart forever, (yeah ok). Today we had people come look at the apt. and so we had to leave for 1 hour, we went bowling, it is strained between us, I dont' say much, i try to keep it light he grabbed for my hand as we walked across the parking lot, i just kinda had it hanging there. Look i get what he has done is huuuugggee. I am hoping the man I love is in there, I know it is a very slim chance, but when I walk from this I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and say "yes you tried it was him not you." I don't want to be jaded and vendictive. Like I said this is all fine until the anger stage sets in, I have only had flashes of it not the full
blown explosion yet. When he told me he said he could not believe he told me there were no escape plans, he thought we could work on it but that lasted 3 days, then he flipped back to no we can't then he flipped again (but he felt he was not trying enough) so then it was this is inevitable let's split. but he sis say there was a shred that wanted to stay, even the therapist asked him if he really wnast to go or try and he says i think I am going down the path toward the OW but she kept saying and then he would dance around the question of why he has not left (claims he wants to see me strong) but even the therapist said to him you are so ambivalent, you have no plan, yet you remain, you kiss your wife everyday and say you love her, dont you think pausing on your path and breathing for a second is a good idea? he can't answer. he just is not dealing with it. I think there maybe a chance still but i dont know if that is the fear talking so for right now I am just going to go about my biz, not being too nice, not saying I love you and see what Divorce busters says on Tuesday, by then maybe the anger will have set in...

So your husband has no plans, except to live with you, see the other woman on the side, until YOU move to another state in August.

There are too many holes in his story. You only know what he's told you about the OW, for all you know she's married, for all you know it's not someone he met on a train but a co-worker.

Is there any way you can find out who she is, have you looked at the phone records, is there a number that might be her's, you can do a reverse check on that number.

You need the complete truth, whether to eventually reconcile or to move on and divorce. He is manipulating you, giving you bits and pieces of the what HE chooses you to know or not know.

Get the truth you need, he won't give it to you, a cheater will only admit to only what proof you have.

Keep strong

November 17, 2012

I used spyware to get some of my info.

Although initially my husband was caught when he forgot to "c-cleaner" his computer. LOL, that was so dumb.

So your husband has no plans, except to live with you, see the other woman on the side, until YOU move to another state in August.

There are too many holes in his story. You only know what he's told you about the OW, for all you know she's married, for all you know it's not someone he met on a train but a co-worker.

Is there any way you can find out who she is, have you looked at the phone records, is there a number that might be her's, you can do a reverse check on that number.

You need the complete truth, whether to eventually reconcile or to move on and divorce. He is manipulating you, giving you bits and pieces of the what HE chooses you to know or not know.

Get the truth you need, he won't give it to you, a cheater will only admit to only what proof you have.

Keep strong

November 18, 2012

Funny think happened as soon as i began distancing he started to ask me to sit on the couch etc.. i said no i am fine where I am. ok so, somehow we fell back into bed last night(you know what i mean) this morining i was still distant I know it does not change a damn thing, he started crying out of the blue , i kept my cool, told him to man up it was sex that's it nothing more. He felt he was leading me on- I told him I am a big girl I have no illusions. He swore up and down he is not slepping with her, or that they have had no physical contact. I told him, if that's your story fine, but I am not a dumb girl. I told him that it is inevitable that I will hit the anger stage and hate him- he cried and said " I know" I told him i love him but by no means am I going to beg, you know where I stand the choice is yours, but this does not mean I will take you back my feelings will change and by the time you realize what is gone it will be too late. I can;t make you love me or chose me but I do feel that for you to be this upset tells me something, there is a reason you are still here figure it out but don't expect me to wait around. If you truly are "in love" with her and want another life, why wait? why get weepy after sex? do you feel like you are cheating on her? he said not cheating but I can't seperate my feelings. I replied maybe you need to do some soul searching on your own. My plans are to leave and that is final. The next guy I get will be the one to reap the rewards of this lessson, i will never leave the door unlocked for another girl to come in, he will get my love and attention, you ahev taught me a rough lesson but another will benefit from your cruelty and I will accept nothing but the best the next go round, if you figure this out before the end or before I hate you enough to kick your butt to curb -great but I am moving forward with my plans that do not include you. I told him If I want sex from you I will get it you are still my husband and I won't make myself celibate for the next 2 or 3 years until I meet someone, so while I am not disgusted by you I will take what I want, this could change tomorrow so deal with it , if I am not crying you certainly should not be. He said later how proud he was of how I am handling myself- I told him its not for you its for me. I will speak to my divorce busting coach on Tuesday and see how it goes from there. I am planning that this is not going to work out (I want to hope but...) and I also told him that even if it does I have to go to school for me. He asked again why NC and I told him I can afford it, right now i have to plan that you might screw me over, your word is not great and being that you pulled the rug out from me once I have to plan you will do it agian, so I am protecting myself. as for the OW i believe she maybe in the same building as him but not a direct coworker, they call eachother at work- he does not own a cell phone, they email through work as well. I still think he is hiding stuff but my lawyer says we will have him tailed if it comes to it. I am just taking this day by day, Please dont be too harsh with any comments about sleeping together,it happened and it may happen again but at this point to see him upset and disturbed I hate to admit it was kind of nice for a change he was crying not me.

November 18, 2012

You should ask him if he no longer loves you but loves the OW why is he using you to meet his sexual needs. Maybe you should not give him sex and do her dirty work.

November 19, 2012

Funny think happened as soon as i began distancing he started to ask me to sit on the couch etc.. i said no i am fine where I am. ok so, somehow we fell back into bed last night(you know what i mean) this morining i was still distant I know it does not change a damn thing, he started crying out of the blue , i kept my cool, told him to man up it was sex that's it nothing more. He felt he was leading me on- I told him I am a big girl I have no illusions. He swore up and down he is not slepping with her, or that they have had no physical contact. I told him, if that's your story fine, but I am not a dumb girl. I told him that it is inevitable that I will hit the anger stage and hate him- he cried and said " I know" I told him i love him but by no means am I going to beg, you know where I stand the choice is yours, but this does not mean I will take you back my feelings will change and by the time you realize what is gone it will be too late. I can;t make you love me or chose me but I do feel that for you to be this upset tells me something, there is a reason you are still here figure it out but don't expect me to wait around.
If you truly are "in love" with her and want another life, why wait? why get weepy after sex? do you feel like you are cheating on her? he said not cheating but I can't seperate my feelings. I replied maybe you need to do some soul searching on your own. My plans are to leave and that is final. The next guy I get will be the one to reap the rewards of this lessson, i will never leave the door unlocked for another girl to come in, he will get my love and attention, you ahev taught me a rough lesson but another will benefit from your cruelty and I will accept nothing but the best the next go round, if you figure this out before the end or before I hate you enough to kick your butt to curb -great but I am moving forward with my plans that do not include you. I told him If I want sex from you I will get it you are still my husband and I won't make myself celibate for the next 2 or 3 years until I meet someone, so while I am not disgusted by you I will take what I want, this could change
tomorrow so deal with it , if I am not crying you certainly should not be. He said later how proud he was of how I am handling myself- I told him its not for you its for me. I will speak to my divorce busting coach on Tuesday and see how it goes from there. I am planning that this is not going to work out (I want to hope but...) and I also told him that even if it does I have to go to school for me. He asked again why NC and I told him I can afford it, right now i have to plan that you might screw me over, your word is not great and being that you pulled the rug out from me once I have to plan you will do it agian, so I am protecting myself. as for the OW i believe she maybe in the same building as him but not a direct coworker, they call eachother at work-
he does not own a cell phone, they email through work as well. I still think he is hiding stuff but my lawyer says we will have him tailed if it comes to it. I am just taking this day by day, Please dont be too harsh with any comments about sleeping together,it happened and it may happen again but at this point to see him upset and disturbed I hate to admit it was kind of nice for a change he was crying not me.

As long as your husband has both you and the OW wanting him he can stay on the fence and not truly make a decision.

Continue with the 180, not for him but for you. The 180 is about empowering yourself, that either way, whether you reconcile or divorce, you've made it clear that you will not be second best.

You're doing great, you're stronger than you know.

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Together 14 years; get 'I love you but am not in love with you' from husband

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