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Together 14 years; get 'I love you but am not in love with you' from husband

iamwonderwoman

By iamwonderwoman
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iamwonderwoman New Member

iamwonderwoman

Posted
Posted (edited)

HI guys,

 

I have no where to go so I am giving this a shot... sorry for the spelling errors and the llong post... in a nutshell 3 weeks ago out of the blue my husband told me he had met someone on the train about 1 year ago, they became friends and he is in love with her, he loves me but not in love with me speech..

 

I was angry at first we fought, he refused to give me details except: they have never slept together, they have never kissed, they have never said they love each other, they only see each other on the occassiobally, they email and sometime talk on the phone at work. she knows nothing about me, just that he is married, he can't tell me when he knew he fell in love with her. for three weeks we have talked, i cry he listens, i beg, i plead, etc..

 

I told him that we are a strong couple, he made a mistake, no prob, he claims he is happy with me that if he never met her he would never dream of leaving me ever. that he wants to go but he wants to support me and make sure i can finish school, he still is in the house, he thinks we can still be "best buds" after this. he went to therapy with me 2x both to help me "get my feet under me" i have tried to committ suicicde more than 3x now and still think about it.

 

We have no children and have been together for 14 years. he is a loving man that admist he showed no signs of being unhappy b/c as he says "he was not" i told him that i believe he was attracked to the OW adn that it took him off guard and that with the stress of work and school on my part i may have made the situation ripe for him to cross a line with her, he insisits i have done nothing but be wonderful. we are living together sleeping in the same bed, he tells me everyday he loves me and kisses me hello, goodbye, goodnight. when i try to ask him for a chance for us to just work on it he never really answers he just says " i feel i need to go down the other path"

 

I told him to please stop talking to her just for a bit, catch yoru breath and go somewhere to breath and think. he says " would i really blow us apart if I was not sure?" look he is in infatuation, we all know that, but he feels he is too intelligent of a man to be manipulated by the OW, the feelings are real. the therapist even said " when you speak your wife there is emotion when you speak about OW there is nothing or you just refuse, you cant tell me when you knew you loved her? everyone knows when they fell in love." he claims the OW knows that he wanst to leave me she iis my age (37) and never married.

 

He is kind to me but when he sees how much i am hurting he just disconnects and rationalizes that i will find someone and things will get better for me. i plan on moving to NC to finish school my girlfriend is thinking of joining me, i have no real connection with my family so no support, just him. i live in NY so to move is crazy,but school is cheaper and so is living. i can't leave until august so we are stuck with each other. i want to at least try but i can not force him.

 

I have been loving and understanding but he is the only man i have ever been with, he is my first love. he still wears his ring, it is up to me to contact an attorney ( i have a karate student who wants to take my case he is a great lawyer) my husband is acting like it is not even happening. he wnast me to accept his choices and deal with it. we have had sex once since he told me and almost the other day but his stomach has not been doing great since this started. I thought about still sleeping with him, trying to connect b/c i know that is part of this (he has told me he needs more sex and more adventure, but that he was fully satisfied) i thought if i agree to go along with things,try to get stronger we could live together and discover what made us good to begin with and maybe he would see what he has done. he is like another person right now its not the mani married. i can tell he does not love her when he says it there is something missing in his eyes.

 

I have not eaten in 3 weeks, i have lost 15 lbs and well i am not looking exactly healthy, i have a heart condition and have been had palpitations (HR over 130 i=first thing in the morning) i have chest pain that is crushing at times (i thought i was having a heart attack) he has been by my side through the pain and while i am throwing up. he knows i am hurting but he just can't understand it he says. help... I don't want to lose him

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

 

You'll find a lot of people here that have been through the same kind of agony. You will make it through this.

 

The tough truth here is that if you want any hope of reconciling with this man, you are going about it the wrong way. There are many betrayed wives here who have successfully reconciled with their wayward husbands. But in almost every case (and I do mean almost EVERY case), they immediately told their husbands to get out and go be with their other woman. No begging, no pleading. Right now he is living in a fantasy world where he has both of you. That fantasy affair bubble needs to burst. He needs to be faced with the harsh consequences of his actions. Expose this affair to everyone. Do a complete 180 from what you are doing today. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS. You deserve better and you need to treat yourself with more respect.

 

I'm also sorry to say that he is completely full of **** about not having slept with this OW. What are they, 12-year olds that just hold hands? It's a bold-faced lie.

 

Oh, and knock off the suicide crap. This is about him, not you. He's broken and you deserve better. What the hell kind of man has an affair right in front of his wife's face and doesn't even move out? What a ****ing *******.

Edited by BetrayedH
  • Like 11
frozensprouts Established Member

frozensprouts

Posted
Posted

OP,

I'm so sorry that you've found yourself in this place in your life...most of us on here have been where you are, and we understand how much it hurts...feel free to vent and let it all out, as you are among friends here

 

You husband really does seem to be treating you in a pretty poor way, but it sounds like you are waiting for him to care enough about you to stop all of this...the truth is that right now, he doesn't, so you've got to. right now, you can't depend on him, so don't...depend on yourself and your friends to see you through this- right now, he is not a friend

 

If I were in your place, the first thing i would do is see my doctor and let him/he know what what has being going on and how much stress you are under...especially if you have issues with your heart...right now, you physical and mental health are your top priority, and your doctor may be able to help you find ways to lower your stress levels and find a bit of peace in the middle of this maelstrom...don't be afraid to ask for help

 

the second thing I would do, and this is really hard, I know- is to stop living your life for him and your marriage. Right now, that doesn't seem to matter, and a marriage can't work with only one person trying- this isn't to say that you give up, but rather that you kind of put things on hold for a little while and look after yourself. Get out and meet some new friends, try some things you've always wanted to but never have, start living your life without him in it. Eat and sleep when you want to, not when it's best for him, don't schedule your life around him or wait for him to figure out what he wants. Do what you want and start living for you. Let him know that you love him, but right now, you can't be around him so suggest that he go and stay with his other woman. You need some time on your own to think and catch your breath. Contact a lawyer and find out what your options are...you don't have to act on them, but at least you'll have some information.

I know it may sound counterintuative, but right now, you need to stop worrying about him and what he's going to do. Get together with your friends and go out for an evening, take a weekend away, visit family for a few days, start moving forward. Let him see what life will be like without you, and that you've waited long enough for him to make up his mind.

 

It may well be that once you've "set him free" , he'll desperately want to come back, and if that happens, you can deal with it then...right now, worry more about yourself and less about him...

best of luck to you :)

  • Like 3
yessy21 Established Member

yessy21

Posted
Posted

You need to let this birdie go. if he flys back, then it was a bluff. he is most defenitley infaturated. he might love you but he is no longer in love with you. you should really try to focus on yourself and maybe even doing something a little different. make a complete 180 on him. act as if you dont care adn start dating. its wether he gets upset, that will you have your answer.

StEwPiD_MoNkEy Member

StEwPiD_MoNkEy

Posted
Posted
I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

 

You'll find a lot of people here that have been through the same kind of agony. You will make it through this.

 

The tough truth here is that if you want any hope of reconciling with this man, you are going about it the wrong way. There are many betrayed wives here who have successfully reconciled with their wayward husbands. But in almost every case (and I do mean almost EVERY case), they immediately told their husbands to get out and go be with their other woman. No begging, no pleading. Right now he is living in a fantasy world where he has both of you. That fantasy affair bubble needs to burst. He needs to be faced with the harsh consequences of his actions. Expose this affair to everyone. Do a complete 180 from what you are doing today. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS. You deserve better and you need to treat yourself with more respect.

 

I'm also sorry to say that he is completely full of **** about not having slept with this OW. What are they, 12-year olds that just hold hands? It's a bold-faced lie.

 

Oh, and knock off the suicide crap. This is about him, not you. He's broken and you deserve better. What the hell kind of man has an affair right in front of his wife's face and doesn't even move out? What a ****ing *******.

 

 

A woman scorned betrayed? Wow. Horrible. I don't understand this concept of someone has to love and be with you? He doesn't. No one does. If this were the female that wanted out, I suspect most of you would be like, "good for you." The man has been honest and straight forward. He as given you the respect of telling you to your face. Maybe he has slept with her, maybe he hasn't. Is that at all relevant. He does want out for what ever reason. He has attempted to live up to his commitment by trying to stick around for you to get on your own feet. Fantastic. Betrayed it's not like he's actively looking for his W to fulfill his sexual needs. They barely are intimate.

 

Betrayed, it's not cool for you to push your own anger on the OP. OP I would tell you this. The man has expressed himself and it seems made up his mind. It sucks for you, yes, but that's life. You can't force someone to be in love with you. If he want's to help, let him. If you want him to leave, tell him. But give him the credit for being honest with you and willing to help you through this transition.

  • Like 1
Spark1111 Established Member

Spark1111

Posted
Posted

Oh GOD! Not the ILYBIAMNILY speech!

 

It means he does not know what true mature love looks like or feels like.

 

Stop pleading, begging, and attempting suicide. I am sorry for your pain, I lived that pain, but those actions will only reinforce how needy and dependent you are as compared to his perfect commuter friend, who is always kind and understanding of him and his plight....sigh...

 

Do NOT be the plight he gets to bind with her about.

 

Expose the attraction to friends and family. Start lining up your ducks now....and he moves out to pursue his fantasy dream girl.

 

Today.

 

Today you call your doctor and your divorce attorney to find out what rights you have and how quickly you can execute them.

 

No more kisses, no convos, no hugs, no allowing him to continue to feel like the good guy as he helps you transition to leave.

 

He leaves today. Wish him well, pack his bags and start getting busy with or without him on your future.

 

Follow him on the train, find out who she is and take a picture. Congratulate her on their new relationship. She very well may be married and creating her exit plan too.

 

Trust that you do not have the full story on her and her realtionship status as he is protecting some secret by not telling you anything about her.

 

You need to get yourself strong here, strong enough to say good-bye to him today.

 

As long as you are begging and pleading, he getst to fantasize about her while coming home to his old life.

 

You, and only YOU can institute some hard consequences for their actions, his actions, and you need to do that today.

  • Like 6
CarboniteCammy Established Member

CarboniteCammy

Posted
Posted

Whoa, what a weird, dispassionate approach in the above post. You've been married for 14 years but so what? He's leaving. Deal with it. LMAO! What strange advice to give, when she's basically asking for help IN dealing with the situation.

 

Anyway.

 

To the OP- Do you need him to make it in school? Maybe it would be best to try to move out on your own and try to become as independent as you can of him. Even if he's willing to help you out right now, it's hurting you far more then it's helping you emotionally.

 

You need to be able to heal from the situation, and you can't do that if he's right there, sleeping in your bed, kissing you every day, etc.

  • Like 2
Janesays Established Member

Janesays

Posted
Posted (edited)

Yikes. Flash back here to my own situation. I never attempted suicide, but I was in such a black hole that I was almost non functioning.

 

My best advice? A very strong dose of anti depressants. See a shrink right away. This is not a life time thing and it's not a sign of weakness. But right now, you have things you NEED to take care of and if the depression is so overwhelming you will not be able to do it. Take the pills, like YESTERDAY.

 

Second best advice? Lawyer up.

 

Third best? Quit speaking to him. Quit trying to beg him back. You don't need him. I know you think you do, but you DO NOT.

 

4. Inspirational music. No sad depressing love song. But things that make you want to get up and MOVE, dance ever.

 

5. GO OUT WITH FRIENDS. Have fun. Watch movies. Take up that new yoga class, horseback riding lessons, WHATEVER. Any positive distraction to get you OUT OF THE HOUSE with sunshine on your face will do.

 

I'd have never believed it when this first happened to me, but ultimately, my divorce was literally the BEST thing that ever happened to me. I met the man of my dreams, I've never felt or looked better, and I'm truly loved and happy now.

 

Funny thing is the woman my husband left me for dumped him the day our divorce is final. He's single and lonely and I actually feel sorry for him.

 

Sometimes I get the urge to send him a 'Thank you for divorcing me' card, but I restrain myself because he's miserable and I don't want to rub it in. (much!)

 

But honestly, this is not the end of the world. I know it's hard not to see it that way, but the reality is that this is only the BEGINNING.

 

Much love and support.

Edited by Janesays
  • Like 6
veryhappy Established Member

veryhappy

Posted
Posted

There are two big problems that makes things difficult for you. The first one is that he was your first love. Did he have other partners?

 

The second problem is your suicide attempts. No man is worth it. You need to become stable, and hanging on to him pleading him to stay with to you will only add to your stress. Do you want to have a man who only stays with you out of fear you will do something final to yourself? That's no way to live life. There is life beyond him, or he could come back, but you can't force someone to stay.

 

Let him go so you can clear your mind, you don't need to divorce right now, but you do need to become stable. Suicide risk is much higher than divorce risk. Your life is worth much more than your marital status.

  • Like 1
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted
A woman scorned betrayed? Wow. Horrible. I don't understand this concept of someone has to love and be with you? He doesn't. No one does. If this were the female that wanted out, I suspect most of you would be like, "good for you." The man has been honest and straight forward. He as given you the respect of telling you to your face. Maybe he has slept with her, maybe he hasn't. Is that at all relevant. He does want out for what ever reason. He has attempted to live up to his commitment by trying to stick around for you to get on your own feet. Fantastic. Betrayed it's not like he's actively looking for his W to fulfill his sexual needs. They barely are intimate.

 

Betrayed, it's not cool for you to push your own anger on the OP. OP I would tell you this. The man has expressed himself and it seems made up his mind. It sucks for you, yes, but that's life. You can't force someone to be in love with you. If he want's to help, let him. If you want him to leave, tell him. But give him the credit for being honest with you and willing to help you through this transition.

 

Whatever, dude. The guy lied to her for a year and the odds that he is lying to her now are damn near 100%. And does he have the integrity to leave? Nope. He's dragging her heart thru the mud and still having sex with her while he has another woman. Real winner. I stand by my post without reservation.

  • Like 6
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

*sighs*

 

Here we go again, eh Betrayed H?....

 

Honey, he's a liar with his pants so on fire his crotch should have 3rd degree burns.

 

All of that desperation and pain are going to be a waste, except for the personal growth that you will get out of it.

 

Now is the time to feel a little less and act to solve the situation.

 

If you want or don't want the marriage, the path is the same for the time being: he says he wants to leave, you say "Okay, I'll be awesome."

 

You take that hurt and use it for energy to build yourself up to either fight FOR or GET OUT of the marriage.

 

Truly, honestly, the way to get through this mess is the same.

 

Try the Divorce Busting 180. Clearly more of the same isn't working with your husband.

 

And yeah, he's ****ing her. The sooner you accept that, it might propel you forward. Don't hospitalize yourself over it. Don't try to off yourself. The limbic system in your brain may be fooling the frontal lobes into thinking that this is the end of the world and that there isn't life without him because he was the "one."

 

Even "the one" can be ****ing stupid sometimes. His judgment about your role in his life is not the defining factor of yours. As soon as you face your fear of not having him anymore, look right at it and say "**** you fear, I'm bigger than that, I would survive if he died and move on with my life, I'm sure not going to wither away while he is alive and being stupid on a Junior High level."

 

It's tough, it's lonely and it sucks....... but not forever.

 

My marriage is back together after three years looking like a raccoon at a hill-billy barbecue.

 

I was a naive, very in love girl with a brand-new baby when I found out.

BUT I wouldn't take it back because I know I have a steel cable where my spine should be and now I have something the my husband didn't bother to give me when he was messing around: his respect.

 

He no longer has mine, but he's working at it, and I can respect that.

 

Check out Divorce Remedy and anything by Gottman, But start with Divorce Remedy. The 180 will help you build yourself back up temporarily.

 

As for suiciding yourself: you won't get what you want. If you've tried 3 times, you are blocking yourself from doing it. If you've pushed yourself beyond minor cutting etc. you are just going to cause damage and not quell the pain. Plus, you'll be embarrassed later. You are going to need to find a better coping skill than attempting. Even if it is running outside and screaming in front of the neighbourhood (although I would recommend jogging instead).

 

Also, the attempts could be (not saying they are) a way to showcase to your husband the pain that you are in and how much this relationship means to you. He isn't going to respond to that on a more permanent basis, despite whatever his short-term reactions are. In the end, despite you pain, he will feel manipulated and probably increasingly become a frustrated ******* about it. He won't feel like you can be a partner to him, and really you'll just look at him like "you just don't give a **** if I die, You are an *******, and yet I love you and am dependent on your decisions to give me life."

 

Never ask an ******* to bequeath you life! That's the (new) first unwritten rule!

 

EMDR therapy helps extensively with the trauma. In a month you won't feel like you are getting repeatedly kicked in the head and that your life is over. That is, if you get EMDR. If you don't, than it'll take longer.

 

You might find that without your husband, that you have a lot of relief from trying to perform to someone's unreasonable expectations. I had tons. My husband criticized every move I made and it gutted my self-esteem. It was so nice when he came back and had to shut up for awhile.:)

 

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

 

You'll find a lot of people here that have been through the same kind of agony. You will make it through this.

 

The tough truth here is that if you want any hope of reconciling with this man, you are going about it the wrong way. There are many betrayed wives here who have successfully reconciled with their wayward husbands. But in almost every case (and I do mean almost EVERY case), they immediately told their husbands to get out and go be with their other woman. No begging, no pleading. Right now he is living in a fantasy world where he has both of you. That fantasy affair bubble needs to burst. He needs to be faced with the harsh consequences of his actions. Expose this affair to everyone. Do a complete 180 from what you are doing today. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS. You deserve better and you need to treat yourself with more respect.

 

I'm also sorry to say that he is completely full of **** about not having slept with this OW. What are they, 12-year olds that just hold hands? It's a bold-faced lie.

 

Oh, and knock off the suicide crap. This is about him, not you. He's broken and you deserve better. What the hell kind of man has an affair right in front of his wife's face and doesn't even move out? What a ****ing *******.

  • Like 6
96nole Established Member

96nole

Posted
Posted

Wow. Textbook case of the affair bubble. You're not getting the whole story or truth from him. Nobody is going to leave their wife for someone they only see occasionally, email a few times, or talk on the phone a few times.

 

I agree with most everyone else's posts (except for stewpid monkey). He needs to understand what life is really like without you. He needs to understand how different his life will be. Right now, he has the best of both worlds. Two women fighting over him. That's why you need to throw him out. Stop begging him. Stop pleading with him. You need to do what is called the 180 on him. It won't guarantee he will come back to you. But it will help you to start moving forward. If he is truly a lost cause, then there is no point in trying to win him back. Besides, he needs to be trying to win you back.

 

This is totally and completely on him. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. As others have said, please get to a doctor. He is not worth your declining health.

 

Call as many friends and family you can for help and support. This is one of the most traumatic events one can go through. You can't go through it alone.

 

Eat what ever you can keep down. But you have to eat. During my worst, (I'm also a betrayed spouse) I would eat bowls of cereal. It was easy on my stomach. And it was a good way to justify eating a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. :laugh:

 

Keep writing here, you have support here.

  • Like 4
Janesays Established Member

Janesays

Posted
Posted

Eat what ever you can keep down. But you have to eat. During my worst, (I'm also a betrayed spouse) I would eat bowls of cereal. It was easy on my stomach. And it was a good way to justify eating a big bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. :laugh:

 

Ha! I used to eat bowls of chicken noodle soup for that very same reason. ;)

  • Like 1
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

Watermelon is an easy one to eat as well

  • Like 1
eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

Posted
Posted

*sending hugs to the OP*

  • Like 3
BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

Posted
Posted

The weight loss and lack of sleep are normal. I lost 38lbs in 5 months and 25 of them came off in the first month. But you can get thru this like everyone else does.

 

You do need a doctor for anti-depressant medications, perhaps something to help you sleep, a discussion about the stress on your heart, and a referral to a good individual counselor. And yes, at least one confidante is important.

 

The best advice I can give you is similar to another poster - start making decisions with your head instead of with your emotions. Find just one piece of internal fortitude to woman up and not accept any less than you deserve. That's when he might start respecting you. But more importantly, you'll be respecting yourself.

  • Like 2
  • Author
iamwonderwoman New Member

iamwonderwoman

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I appreciate the support, I went to a therapist today, as for the idea that offing myself is for show-no not true I have no family and only 1 or 2 friends I can trust with this, so i really have not had anybody to talk to adn yes not sleeping and not eating is making me a bit unstable to say the least but my actions ahev not been b/c I want him to prove his love. I amreally in a bad place and sometimes the idea of peace and quite,no pain sounds great. I have tried eating but I am not keeping it down so I am drinking gatorade to keep my electrolytes up and trying chicken broth. Financially we are not in a great postion,not horrible but not great, I do need help with school I can't do it alone which is why I want to go to NC to finish this way if he does back out of the deal I won't be screwed. I spoke with the lawyer (he is aware that I have done this) I am not sure what I am looking for, all I know is that he was my best friend, i am alone and not full of much hope. last night was the first night nothing was said about things, i have no intention of begging or pleading with him. If he wants to go I told him go, yet he remains. I am sure there is more to his story, but no i don't think he is ****ing her -yet. maybe I am not ready to face it but i have asked and it is the only thing I do believe that he says. I am lost and I do appreciate the support from the forum you are all right I can't see the hope right now, I am scared I will never find another person or trust another person agian. I am scared that he is the only man i have ever slept with, all the usual fears. I agree that what I am doing is based off of pure emotion not logic. I have to stop and I will try...

Furious Established Member

Furious

Posted
Posted
I appreciate the support, I went to a therapist today, as for the idea that offing myself is for show-no not true I have no family and only 1 or 2 friends I can trust with this, so i really have not had anybody to talk to adn yes not sleeping and not eating is making me a bit unstable to say the least but my actions ahev not been b/c I want him to prove his love. I amreally in a bad place and sometimes the idea of peace and quite,no pain sounds great. I have tried eating but I am not keeping it down so I am drinking gatorade to keep my electrolytes up and trying chicken broth. Financially we are not in a great postion,not horrible but not great, I do need help with school I can't do it alone which is why I want to go to NC to finish this way if he does back out of the deal I won't be screwed. I spoke with the lawyer (he is aware that I have done this) I am not sure what I am looking for, all I know is that he was my best friend, i am alone and not full of much hope. last night was the first night nothing was said about things, i have no intention of begging or pleading with him. If he wants to go I told him go, yet

he remains. I am sure there is more to his story, but no i don't think he is ****ing her -yet. maybe I am not ready to face it but i have asked and it is the only thing I do believe that he says. I am lost and I do appreciate the support from the forum you are all right I can't see the hope right now, I am scared I will never find another person or trust another person agian. I am scared that he is the only man i have ever slept with, all the usual fears. I agree that what I am doing is based off of pure emotion not logic. I have to stop and I will try...

 

 

 

It's only been a few weeks, you're is shock, not sleeping or eating. It's a living breathing nightmare. The sense of panic, the disbelief that this is really happening is the hardest thing to digest.

 

First off, you must make yourself the number one priority, you must fight for yourself and not the marriage. You need to try to eat, little healthy snacks throughout the day, keep hydrated. When you feel like you're anxious, just breathe, breathe slowly in and out, close your eyes and think only of the air going in and out of your lungs.

 

 

I agree with all the good advice you've been given from the other posters.

The sooner you care for yourself the stronger you will get. Right now you're hurting terribly, even if you have to fake it till you make it, show your husband you will not tolerate his lies, you will not beg for him, you will move forward.

 

We are here for you, keep posting, keep on trying to get on your feet.

  • Like 3
Janesays Established Member

Janesays

Posted
Posted

Talk to your therapist about antidepressants to help you through this tough time.

 

Talk to your lawyer about spousal support. Just because he found a little chickie on the side doesn't mean you don't get to finish school.

 

Vent here if you feel like you have no one to talk to in real life. A lot of us have been there and will the shake the $hit out of you if you need it!

  • Like 3
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

Vent here if you feel like you have no one to talk to in real life. A lot of us have been there and will the shake the $hit out of you if you need it!

 

This is very true, and a lot of us are on very regularly.

 

BTW, I was not suggesting that you were just suicidal for show etc. But IF you were, that it was not a wise etc. tactic to use.

 

I suggested the 180 to help restore your personal sanity.

 

Lots of us, having gone through the betrayal, once we recover from the shock, no longer want the partners that put us through it so callously.

 

That's a ways off. Honestly, the world may seem a very bleak place until about 6 months down the road. Going through heartbreak of this magnitude is very heart on your brain. Even if the marriage recovers.

  • Like 2
Steen719 Established Member

Steen719

Posted
Posted

First and foremost, get your depression and your health in check.

 

If I could give on piece of advice that I wish I had followed, it would be to tell him to get out right now, go to the OW and then stand behind it. I cannot tell you how much I wish I had done that. That is hard to do in any circumstances, but harder when you have such little support, but it would be worth it. Tell him that you love him and want to be married to him, but if he loves her, he should leave and be with her.

 

Find a divorce group. If you are in NY, there will be some near you. It helps to have others near you who understand. Post here. Be honest here so that people can help you (as in when you are feeling really bad - tell someone). Even the posters you might not agree with might have some piece of advice that strikes a chord with you. Don't be offended by what people here say. Most of us have had some pretty crappy things laid at our feet and give advice born of their experiences. Take what you need.

 

Take care of yourself. Best to you. :)

  • Like 8
yessy21 Established Member

yessy21

Posted
Posted
Oh GOD! Not the ILYBIAMNILY speech!

 

It means he does not know what true mature love looks like or feels like.

 

Stop pleading, begging, and attempting suicide. I am sorry for your pain, I lived that pain, but those actions will only reinforce how needy and dependent you are as compared to his perfect commuter friend, who is always kind and understanding of him and his plight....sigh...

 

Do NOT be the plight he gets to bind with her about.

 

Expose the attraction to friends and family. Start lining up your ducks now....and he moves out to pursue his fantasy dream girl.

 

Today.

 

Today you call your doctor and your divorce attorney to find out what rights you have and how quickly you can execute them.

 

No more kisses, no convos, no hugs, no allowing him to continue to feel like the good guy as he helps you transition to leave.

 

He leaves today. Wish him well, pack his bags and start getting busy with or without him on your future.

 

Follow him on the train, find out who she is and take a picture. Congratulate her on their new relationship. She very well may be married and creating her exit plan too.

 

Trust that you do not have the full story on her and her realtionship status as he is protecting some secret by not telling you anything about her.

 

You need to get yourself strong here, strong enough to say good-bye to him today.

 

As long as you are begging and pleading, he getst to fantasize about her while coming home to his old life.

 

You, and only YOU can institute some hard consequences for their actions, his actions, and you need to do that today.

 

 

I cannot agree more with this post. and by the way. if you take apicture of them you can guarantee yourself alimony as he is cheating.

  • Like 1
yessy21 Established Member

yessy21

Posted
Posted

he just doesnt tell you because he aint stupid and he knows it. he is just there to make the process easier for himself. He thinks he is smarter than you. AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE BLINDED BY YOUR LOVE FOR HIM.

  • Like 4
BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

Posted
Posted (edited)
HI guys,

 

I have no where to go so I am giving this a shot... sorry for the spelling errors and the llong post... in a nutshell 3 weeks ago out of the blue my husband told me he had met someone on the train about 1 year ago, they became friends and he is in love with her, he loves me but not in love with me speech..

 

I was angry at first we fought, he refused to give me details except: they have never slept together, they have never kissed, they have never said they love each other, they only see each other on the occassiobally, they email and sometime talk on the phone at work. she knows nothing about me, just that he is married, he can't tell me when he knew he fell in love with her. for three weeks we have talked, i cry he listens, i beg, i plead, etc..

 

I'm so sorry. :( My heart is breaking just reading this. :(

 

PLEASE DON'T BEG. PLEASE DON'T PLEAD. BE DIGNIFIED. YOU ARE A LADY OF PRICELESS WORTH;DON'T RESORT TO BEGGING ANYMORE, PLEASE. KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOU'RE NOT A BEGGAR. YOU'RE A PRINCESS. PRINCESSES DON'T BEG. IF YOUR "PRINCE CHARMING" WANTS TO GO AWAY, OBVIOUSLY HE IS NO LONGER YOUR PRINCE CHARMING. :(

 

I told him that we are a strong couple, he made a mistake, no prob, he claims he is happy with me that if he never met her he would never dream of leaving me ever. that he wants to go but he wants to support me and make sure i can finish school, he still is in the house, he thinks we can still be "best buds" after this. he went to therapy with me 2x both to help me "get my feet under me" i have tried to committ suicicde more than 3x now and still think about it.
Oh Sweetheart. :( Your life is not tied to this man. You can still be happy without him in your life. Please don't give up on life, please. I know it's hard. My Aunt was in the depths of despair when her husband cheated on her all the times he did while she was pregnant. But, she healed, and she is now married to a wonderful man who loves her and who she loves. Hopefully they will last the test of time. This guy isn't lasting. Please let him go and please hold on to your life; don't lose it.

 

We have no children and have been together for 14 years. he is a loving man that admist he showed no signs of being unhappy b/c as he says "he was not" i told him that i believe he was attracked to the OW adn that it took him off guard and that with the stress of work and school on my part i may have made the situation ripe for him to cross a line with her, he insisits i have done nothing but be wonderful. we are living together sleeping in the same bed, he tells me everyday he loves me and kisses me hello, goodbye, goodnight. when i try to ask him for a chance for us to just work on it he never really answers he just says " i feel i need to go down the other path"

 

I told him to please stop talking to her just for a bit, catch yoru breath and go somewhere to breath and think. he says " would i really blow us apart if I was not sure?" look he is in infatuation, we all know that, but he feels he is too intelligent of a man to be manipulated by the OW, the feelings are real. the therapist even said " when you speak your wife there is emotion when you speak about OW there is nothing or you just refuse, you cant tell me when you knew you loved her? everyone knows when they fell in love." he claims the OW knows that he wanst to leave me she iis my age (37) and never married.

 

He is kind to me but when he sees how much i am hurting he just disconnects and rationalizes that i will find someone and things will get better for me. i plan on moving to NC to finish school my girlfriend is thinking of joining me, i have no real connection with my family so no support, just him. i live in NY so to move is crazy,but school is cheaper and so is living. i can't leave until august so we are stuck with each other. i want to at least try but i can not force him.

Please don't force him to stay. Being pitied by a guy and making him stay out of sympathy is not the best thing to do. Please let him go. I remember once after a boyfriend dumped me, my Mom told me to let him "fly away." She said men don't leave when they truly love. She's right.

 

 

I have been loving and understanding but he is the only man i have ever been with, he is my first love. he still wears his ring, it is up to me to contact an attorney ( i have a karate student who wants to take my case he is a great lawyer) my husband is acting like it is not even happening. he wnast me to accept his choices and deal with it. we have had sex once since he told me and almost the other day but his stomach has not been doing great since this started. I thought about still sleeping with him, trying to connect b/c i know that is part of this (he has told me he needs more sex and more adventure, but that he was fully satisfied) i thought if i agree to go along with things,try to get stronger we could live together and discover what made us good to begin with and maybe he would see what he has done. he is like another person right now its not the mani married. i can tell he does not love her when he says it there is something missing in his eyes.

 

I have not eaten in 3 weeks, i have lost 15 lbs and well i am not looking exactly healthy, i have a heart condition and have been had palpitations (HR over 130 i=first thing in the morning) i have chest pain that is crushing at times (i thought i was having a heart attack) he has been by my side through the pain and while i am throwing up. he knows i am hurting but he just can't understand it he says. help... I don't want to lose him

I understand that you don't want to lose him, but he wants you to let him go. I think you need to let him go, and you need to find purpose in life that will help you win over the pain you feel. :( I am so sorry, but please don't give up on life, and please let this man go. There's more to life than being with him.

 

I wish you the best. HUGZ and if you need a friend, I and many other ladies are here for you.

Edited by BetheButterfly
  • Like 2
dreamingoftigers Established Member

dreamingoftigers

Posted
Posted

I forgot that support groups can be great.

 

meetup.com helped me find one when I was in the thick of it.

 

Be careful though! I was in a different group and all that they could do was obsess on misery. (Ironically I also went to a weight-loss group where most of the members had been meeting for 10+ years and they were ALL still overweight, by a large margin. Watch for what fruit your group is bearing.) Don't get drawn into that! You want a group of people that can empathize and help you stand up to your fear. ;)

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