copperlily Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Well... I have somehow gotten myself in a complete mess. I am in desperate need of advice. My problems are: 1. I'm infatuated with my college professor. 2. I'm in a failing relationship. First- the college professor thing. I know how that sounds but hear me out. I'm not prone to infatuation very often and I have no intentions of doing anything. I have never cheated on anyone and I can't see myself ever cheating. It is so painful seeing him twice a week and feeling as though we have so many things in common and would be perfect together in another life. We both share an intense love of the subject he is teaching and it seems like everything he reveals about himself is something I could say about myself too. The problem is that I know it can't happen between us and I'm fairly certain that it's one-sided pining from me. The relationship I'm currently in is pretty rocky right now. We've been together for three years. I love him but I realized a while ago that it may not end up working out. There are a lot of huge personality differences and differences in life goals. I also feel that he doesn't get me on the level that my professor does (on a purely intellectual level- I am desperately missing this from my current relationship). I'm not sure whether the infatuation for my professor stems from these perceived unfulfilled needs or what. In addition, I feel like I am trying to move on to bigger and better things in life, improve and grow, whereas my boyfriend has already settled into his life goals and is happy with the way things are. I am staying in the relationship for three reasons: 1. I am not financially in any position to leave it right now. 2. I clinging to hope that things might change between us. 3. I love the guy a lot and it would be devastating to leave, even though we aren't a good match for one another. So I guess what I'm asking is: What is your assessment of my situation? How the hell do I stop thinking about my professor? If you believe that my relationship is completely unsalvageable, how do I leave someone I'm still in love with? Thanks, I really appreciate it.
kamani Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I think the relationship with your BF is rocky enough and you both have to come to a stable decision whether to continue it or not. But I think replacing your BF with your professor is not a good idea, even after your studies are over. At the moment you are just infatuated with him. This is rather an attraction, something sexy, rather than love and understanding. "It is so painful seeing him twice a week and feeling as though we have so many things in common and would be perfect together in another life. " How do you tell this? Have two of you ever had deep conversations? How long did you know each other, as a teacher and student even? "We both share an intense love of the subject he is teaching and it seems like everything he reveals about himself is something I could say about myself too" Again, how are you so certain about this? You tell you meet only twice a week and I guess even that is a class room meeting. Isn't it? You come to a judgement on your professor on all what he tells in the classroom and you have never been with him in real life. Falling in love with professors is quite common for undergraduates and IMO, this attraction is only short lived. This attraction may fade once the class is over. After your studies, you can just try dating him and see how it works. But don't keep up hopes for long term relationhsips based on understanding, until you get to know him in real life, not in the class room. I think you are very young in age, and it's natural for someone of this age. Don't take it too seriously.
todreaminblue Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 In my opinion yoru relationship that has been going for three years is salvageable with the professor there is nothing to salvage you may connect on the subject he is teaching and you admire his intellectual capacity that does not equal being able to give you a relationship that you would find fulfilling....you decided on a relationship three years ago with the guy you are with now it may be rocky.....what attracted you to the guy you are with now......give a list in a post here of why to me?....... a mutually intellectual understanding doesnt mean that you would be compatible in a relationship you stated that you would feel devastated to leave your boyfriend so you do value him and you do value the relationship you have......i feel you should seriously consider changing professors not a three year relationship that needs some tlc
Author copperlily Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 Falling in love with professors is quite common for undergraduates and IMO, this attraction is only short lived. This attraction may fade once the class is over. I think you are very young in age, and it's natural for someone of this age. Don't take it too seriously. Agreed. I don't plan on dating him. I don't think I really know him as a person. We've talked a few times outside of the classroom and our conversations have been engaging and filled a gap that I seem to recognize as one I have in my current relationship. But I do recognize that this thing with my professor is infatuation. I'm 21 in case you're wondering.
Author copperlily Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 you decided on a relationship three years ago with the guy you are with now it may be rocky.....what attracted you to the guy you are with now......give a list in a post here of why to me?....... a mutually intellectual understanding doesnt mean that you would be compatible in a relationship you stated that you would feel devastated to leave your boyfriend so you do value him and you do value the relationship you have......i feel you should seriously consider changing professors not a three year relationship that needs some tlc Hmm you make some good points that I need to think about. I guess I'm just afraid that the relationship isn't going to work out and the infatuation with my professor has pointed out to me some things I feel starved of. But your point that intellectual understanding cannot be the entire basis for a relationship is a good one. Like I said, I really don't have any intentions of getting with my professor. I just feel like the things I'm seeing as attractive in him are maybe things that are missing in my current relationship. As far as making a list goes, I'll have to get back to you on that one after some thinking.
pteromom Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 You are aware of some big things missing in your relationship. You are intrigued by what you know of your professor, so you've filled in the blanks of what you don't know with a fantasy that he is everything your boyfriend isn't. It is very common. 1. I am not financially in any position to leave it right now. Fix this. Start saving money. Start looking for options. 2. I clinging to hope that things might change between us. Work on it. Don't just accept things the way they are. 3. I love the guy a lot and it would be devastating to leave, even though we aren't a good match for one another. Love is wonderful, but it won't overcome a fundamental incompatibility...
Author copperlily Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 You are intrigued by what you know of your professor, so you've filled in the blanks of what you don't know with a fantasy that he is everything your boyfriend isn't. 3. I love the guy a lot and it would be devastating to leave, even though we aren't a good match for one another. Love is wonderful, but it won't overcome a fundamental incompatibility... Thanks. Your entire post was helpful but what I quoted was what I felt helped most. I completely agree with your assessment of my feelings about my professor. And I particularly liked your pointing out that love might not conquer all... which is what it all comes down to, isn't it? I just don't know how much longer I should give things before throwing in the towel and I'm not sure how to go about fixing things between us either. I don't communicate with my boyfriend in a satisfying way and it really comes down to huge differences in the way we think. I love sitting around and discussing theories, the world, the news, and he just doesn't appreciate that kind of thing.
2sunny Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 You seem to be writing about your BF as a perspective of using him so that you aren't on your own. That's not right or fair to him. Since you know deep down that you're incompatible on certain levels - you should break up with him so he can find someone more compatible that appreciates the gifts he offers. You can have an intellectual friendship with the professor. It may be that it's frowned upon for professors to date students - so be cautious about getting attached emotionally. Take that connection for what it is and do t look further than having a good intellectual resource - you could ruin that resource if you overstep your healthy boundary.
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Thanks. Your entire post was helpful but what I quoted was what I felt helped most. I completely agree with your assessment of my feelings about my professor. And I particularly liked your pointing out that love might not conquer all... which is what it all comes down to, isn't it? I just don't know how much longer I should give things before throwing in the towel and I'm not sure how to go about fixing things between us either. I don't communicate with my boyfriend in a satisfying way and it really comes down to huge differences in the way we think. I love sitting around and discussing theories, the world, the news, and he just doesn't appreciate that kind of thing. So list some positive things you love about him. Decide what's more important and if he's worth fighting for, if the relationship is worth fixing together, do you love him enough to want to give him a chance? Nobody is a perfect match, and many couples have different interests. 1
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