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Sudden trust issues *after* LDR is no longer long-distance


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Posted

My situation: I'm 28. He's 32. Been dating for almost a year. It started, oddly enough, as a LDR. We got together and he immediately left the country... and while away from one another were not exclusive. We had a pretty solid communication going about this--he told me, "I'm going to be dating."

 

As soon as we saw each other again, we became exclusive. 4 months later, he broke up with me because he was having some gut feelings. He doesn't have much dating experience and felt things with us were getting too serious too quickly. Yet despite the breakup, I could tell he felt very beside himself on the matter because it seemed like he cared a lot about me... but everyone told me, "Just ditch this guy... have some respect for yourself." I walked away from things saying, "You don't realize what you're giving up by leaving me." About a month later, we got back together. I told him about the couple of guys I had gone out on dates with during the breakup and he seemed genuinely upset by it and from him I got that he hadn't gone out with anyone... had talked to some women, but nothing came of it.

 

When we got back together, it seemed like a lot had changed between us. He was very loving and it seemed like maybe he had gotten some perspective over the time apart. A couple of months after we got back together, we decided to end the whole "long-distance" part and moved to the same place. Since moving to the same city, however, I've found myself picking up weird trust issues... we see each other about every other day. About 2 or 3 nights a week, I spend the night at his place. The days we don't see each other, we might talk for a few minutes online... but these conversations feel very... unemotional. For a little while, he kind of lost his sex drive with me... it's been picking back up, but it's not where it used to be. He claims the loss of sex drive is because we were kind of going through a bit of a rough patch and fighting, not to mention I have an extremely high sex drive and he feels pressured by that sometimes. Realistically, his explanation is valid... we haven't been fighting lately and his sex drive seems to be improving.

 

Although I don't have any logical reason to think anything is up... my gut is telling me these things are red flags and that I should be concerned, but I don't know why or what to do about it. If I really think clearly and logically about it, I don't think he's cheating on me or anything... he doesn't seem like the kind of person to do that... flake out on the relationship? Sure, but cheat, no.

 

Do I just ignore these feelings? Am I being crazy?

Posted

From what information you've given us, I do think that you might be looking too much into it. The thing that stuck out to me the most was that he was upset to find out you had gone out on dates...that's a big deal. Some people can say that's a negative thing but in my eyes his mind and heart was on you during the breakup and was hurt that he didn't get the same from you. That shows alot of care I think and I'm doubtful that a person like that would cheat (sounds like me to be honest and loyalty is something I find to be very important).

 

Unless he has given you a reason to not trust him then you have no reason not to trust him. I wouldn't say to ignore it but acknowledge that those thoughts are irrational and maybe even bring it up with him to talk about how you feel about the situation. Communication is crucial.

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Posted (edited)

The "too serious" I think is because he was married and got divorced and was afraid of jumping right back into yet another serious relationship without giving himself time to really mentally break himself free from that. Not that he immediately jumped from that marriage to dating me... there was definitely an amount of time between the two, but I still worried initially that I might be a rebound.

 

He seemed to snap out of that after a while though... I think it's just one of those things that takes time--I don't fault him for feeling that way... I kind of knew what I was getting myself into (well, naively anyway, I had never dated a divorcee before). Not to say he's justified... but that it was a mistake on his part, we've moved past that, and I think he's learned from it.

 

But I know bringing up these kinds of gut feelings without any backing to them is just opening a can of worms and that's why I'm questioning whether I should just swallow it and let it go... I think about how it would feel in reverse if a guy I was seeing suddenly came to me and was like, "When we're apart, I don't know what you're doing and I keep having thoughts that you're cheating but I don't know whyyyy," I'd probably be offended because they have no evidence of anything and well, I'm not the kind of person that would cheat. And so I imagine he'd feel the same way.

Edited by whereishe
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