jojoqueen Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 question..... Found about one ''inapropriate'' encounter, asked that day ''is there anything else I should know? or anyone else I should know about''? The answer I was given of course was NO, it was a one time ''caught in the moment''. Thinking that I knew my spouse, I believed it only to a certain extent, If I believed it totally I would never have continues ''snooping''(his word), which is where I found more inapropriate conversations happening. I was angry and asked him to leave our home. After a short seperation, we decided to try again.. However, one yr after the seperation, I was '' snooping'' through an old email account of his, that he gave me the password to, I discovered that he had a fairly serious relationship 4 yrs ago. I have given a ''deadline'' for recovery, we have been going to see a MC, things have changed to some degree. I have been honest, I will never trust him again, he knows it, I will never love him unconditionally again, he knows it. During some of the MC, I presented him with a list of 5 questions that I believed to be important for me to know, he disagreed, however, After much IC for him, he answered the questions. Here is my problem, It took me less than a week to ''dig'' thru my own email account and discovered that 2 of his answers were absolutly lies, in turn, that also made a 3rd answer unbelievable. I waited aprox a month to let him know that I had figured out that at least 3 of his 5 answers were lies, and he was told that I would not ask any more questions in order for him to formulate more lies for me to hear, at the same time, he was reminded that I generously gave him 3 yrs of my life to 'fixing' what is wrong in our relationship, there is 7 months left in the deadline. I am struggling with deciding if it is really important to have the questions answered truthfully or if I should just let it go?
2sure Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 It's not so much that you have the truth. It's that he is unable to tell you the truth. That's the thing . 4
2sure Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I know, too short. Even after all of this...when your marriage has hit rock bottom...he just doesn't feel like he wants or needs to tell you the truth. It just isn't worth it to him because he doesn't think you need it. He is very comfortable looking you in the eye and just makng it up as he goes. That's not a marriage. 1
seren Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Google Letter to a Wayward Spouse, I printed a copy off, made a coffee and handed it to H, then went shopping for an or or three. When I came home I had everything, all the bits he hadn't told me to 'protect' me, or protect him or us, who knows. It just summed up everything and every reason I needed it all and I got it all and some of it hurt, but once it hurt, it couldn't pop out and hurt me again. Truth is important to you being able to make an informed choice, trickle truth destroys any potential for future trust. 2
mercy Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 question..... Found about one ''inapropriate'' encounter, asked that day ''is there anything else I should know? or anyone else I should know about''? The answer I was given of course was NO, it was a one time ''caught in the moment''. Thinking that I knew my spouse, I believed it only to a certain extent, If I believed it totally I would never have continues ''snooping''(his word), which is where I found more inapropriate conversations happening. I was angry and asked him to leave our home. After a short seperation, we decided to try again.. However, one yr after the seperation, I was '' snooping'' through an old email account of his, that he gave me the password to, I discovered that he had a fairly serious relationship 4 yrs ago. I have given a ''deadline'' for recovery, we have been going to see a MC, things have changed to some degree. I have been honest, I will never trust him again, he knows it, I will never love him unconditionally again, he knows it. During some of the MC, I presented him with a list of 5 questions that I believed to be important for me to know, he disagreed, however, After much IC for him, he answered the questions. Here is my problem, It took me less than a week to ''dig'' thru my own email account and discovered that 2 of his answers were absolutly lies, in turn, that also made a 3rd answer unbelievable. I waited aprox a month to let him know that I had figured out that at least 3 of his 5 answers were lies, and he was told that I would not ask any more questions in order for him to formulate more lies for me to hear, at the same time, he was reminded that I generously gave him 3 yrs of my life to 'fixing' what is wrong in our relationship, there is 7 months left in the deadline. I am struggling with deciding if it is really important to have the questions answered truthfully or if I should just let it go? He's a liar. That should be very important to you. Untrustworthy people are frightening to me. In reconciliation I let go of a lot of things but I was unwilling to budge on the truth. I needed it to heal. Admittedly I was obsessed with questions and I demanded each one answered honestly, he obliged, no matter how difficult it was for him and me. What will you do if you will never trust him again, do you plan on staying married? Don't make infidelity a life sentence for you or him. If you know you can never forgive him and love him again, then free yourself and seek peace. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Stick to your guns. You can't have a marriage with someone you will never trust and who does nothing to earn it. You aren't his mother, he's put you in a position where you have to act like his mother though. That's not healthy. You can try try try, but this is his battle to earn your trust. If he doesn't restore that trust...you won't make it. You'll go crazy. Lies are so destructive... 1
Mr. Lucky Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 he was reminded that I generously gave him 3 yrs of my life to 'fixing' what is wrong in our relationship, there is 7 months left in the deadline. I'm confused by the "7 month" deadline concept. What relative value do you place on truth or effort delivered 7 months from now as opposed to delivered today? The intervening time only gives him more opportunity to perfect his story and polish his lies. In short, why not a deadline of "right now" ??? Mr. Lucky
MrVegas Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Now correct me if I am wrong, but i get the idea that the deadline was in reference to having issues worked out or real progress, not deadlines for the truth. But what confuses me about the deadline. If the goal is total reconcilliation, then is an arbitrary deadline necessary as long as progress is maintained? If there is any hope of saving your marriage though, total truth is a given. If he is sincere in his attempts to work this out with you, then he needs to respect you enough to be completely honest. He doesn't deserve your trust yet, he needs to earn it, If he doesn't care too, don't waste time on a deadline that will come and go with no change in his behaviour. You deserve better!
BetrayedH Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 In order to reconcile, you need (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. 1 cannot come before 2. Continued lying is not true remorse. At the same time, your statements that you will never trust or love him again indicate that he'll never be truly forgiven. If you want to reconcile, he needs to answer ALL of your questions with complete honesty with the understanding that you will then do everything in your power to forgive him and truly reconcile with him. It's not a guarantee except to the extent that you will make the effort. My $.02 By the way, the Letter to a Wayward Spouse is a great idea. 1
Tara247 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 The truth is very relevant. You can't have a real relationship without it. I would not be with a liar. You gave him a chance to tell the truth, actually more than one chance, and he keeps lying. 1
BetrayedH Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 1 cannot come before 2. Oops. Actually meant that 2 cannot come before 1. So much for being clever. Hopefully you already got the idea.
Tara247 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Oops. Actually meant that 2 cannot come before 1. So much for being clever. Hopefully you already got the idea. I was wondering about that too, but I didn't write anything.
BetrayedH Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I was wondering about that too, but I didn't write anything. That was kind of you. So much for eloquence at 6am. . Maybe a mod will help me out?
jnel921 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 The truth is always relevant no matter how you get it, whether in bits or pieces. Lies on the other hand will not help your reconciliation process. BetrayedH is right, you can't go into this process decided that you will never trust or love hm the same. One day there needs to be forgiveness and a better relationship built. There were probably issues before that needed to be addressed and this is what you need to figure out in your MC sessions. The WS will say whatever it takes to minimize your pain. But if the proof is in front of you then you need to let him know that he needs to give you the benefit of the doubt to handle things appropriately. The truth is important to me. Any further lies or information that was not disclosed earlier could be the breaking point. My H has been very careful and very open about his whereabouts, his cellphone, he calls me more frequently and we now share a FB account. A remorseful spouse will do the work. You need to do the work as well. Being hurt or cheated on by you're spouse is a hard pill to swallow. Once it's done and the truth comes out there needs to be a response and desicions that either lead you to reconcile or divorce. There is no in between. The deadline doesn't make sense to me so I agree with the others. Telling you 8 months from now the painful details of whatever he was really doing will not spare you from the pain or make you want to stay any longer. if anything it's just buying him some time to make up some more lies and all you are doing is wasting time proving him to be a liar. If this man truly loves and respects you then he shouldn't make it this difficult and put you through this nonsense. I hope it works out for you and I pray you find the strength to realize your truth about this marriage. 1
2sure Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Your husband is a serial cheater and a very good liar. From all of your posts I gather he has been cheating..on and off or continually for years. Please look up the term GASLIGHTING. You are not imagining things, you are not paranoid, you are not over reacting, he is not just flirting, they are not just friends, you are not being a bi..h or violating his privacy. You have the truth.
Older 'n' wiser Posted December 23, 2012 Posted December 23, 2012 It's not so much that you have the truth. It's that he is unable to tell you the truth. That's the thing . I've spent a long time thinking about this and feel I've finally figured it out. I read on LS that it's about not have the knowledge that he (they) have. Here's the way I wrote my H about it: Without the knowledge of what happened, someone in my position feels powerless and excluded. Why? Because you (and someone else) have the knowledge of what happened and I don't. It's a secret yet. Moreover, the secret belongs to you and another, not to me. You and that person possess it, still have something between you that I do not. I am excluded, separate and unequal. It renders me powerless. Giving me the knowledge makes me an equal. That removes a major source of angst. The other issue is doubt. Doubt destroys people by destroying trust. Any secret creates doubt and destroys trust. Any time you deceive me, trust is destroyed. When you fudge, dismiss, minimize or misrepresent anything or decide not to reveal something, you deceive. You have taken control of information again. This is a fundamental requirement for my sanity and for our survival as a couple. If you don't fulfill your promises for perfume or cruises, I may feel hurt, unloved or taken for granted but not destroyed. Deceiving, keeping secrets, that will destroy, so doubt must be removed. Is this clear yet? No amount of promises about the future will create the trust. The only thing that will do it is being truthful to the nth degree at every moment. You cannot be forthcoming enough. If you hide things, if you try to block me from some area of your life, if you demand your right to privacy - your motives become suspect. I will be filled with doubt and suspicion. It will crush the possibility for renewal and intimacy. I cannot tolerate any residual questions, any doubt. I simply cannot. It will kill me if it is not doing so already. I am not one of the people who can live with mistrust. So this is the last stretch. Last chance. There is something I need to ask based on what you told me. He was forthcoming.
Recommended Posts