24 and havent started puberty yet - how can I get my girlfriend to treat me as a man?

[cantwait]

Hi there

 

I have a condition called kallman syndrome which means I haven't started puberty yet even though I am already 24. I am very unlucky to have the form of the syndrome which has also affects my height and im 120cm tall and 23kg which is around 50lbs. I have been receiving treatment for it but success so far has been limited. It has been pretty hard for me being smaller and not growing like everyone else but I tried really hard to have a positive approach to life and believe that I can live a life like everyone else.

 

I have wanted a girlfriend all my life and this year I was lucky enough to finally meet Brooke, the girl of my dreams. We had a great friendship and talked a lot about life and shared lots in common and I think because we clicked in so many ways mentally she was able to see past my condition and become my girlfriend. She's really beautiful and I guess many guys would say "hot".

 

Having a girlfriend however has brought up a lot of new challenges in my life I didn't expect and in many ways has made me more self conscious about my condition. Whilst we have a good mental relationship which makes me happy I have become really uncomfortable about the physical differences between us. Brooke is 19 and much taller than me, people who don't know me often think I am 6 or 7 years old and so when we go out together we both feel awkward, many people asked her if I was her little brother and I am worried that it's making her think that going out with me is wrong?

 

I think this is really showing when it comes to getting physical and stuff. I am not super horny or anything like that so I am not that bothered about sex and stuff but I am curious about lots of things and I would like to somehow be intimate with her. Brooke is really weird towards me though when it comes to this stuff, she hugs me a lot and cuddles me but won't give me a deep kiss or anything like that. I am really frustrated that she doesn't see me like a man. How can I get her to treat me like a man and be more intimate with me?

 

I already tried to talk about it, one night when we were hugging and watching a film I asked if I could see her boobs or bra but she changed the topic and went funny on me. If she was a virgin or something I would understand but I know she had lots of boyfriends before and she told me she had sex many times. I want to lose my virginity to her but I don't think she sees me in that way and I am embarassed now if she sees me naked that she will be disappointed with what ive got. What can I do to make her more confortable with me and to see me more like a man?

 

I'd also appreciate any insight from women who may be able to explain how she is thinking?

[ja123]

It sounds to me that she has a great affection and great attachment to you. It doesn't sound like she wants to sleep with you, though.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

Are there dating sites where you can meet a women who also has the same syndrome as you? You might find yourself being less self-conscious then.

[mesmerized]

First I wanted to say that I love your positive attitude and your post is inspirational. I hope you can always keep this attitude. Second, I'm afraid she is not seeing you that way and I'm not sure if there is much you can do. Perhaps it would be easier for you if you look for people with the same condition? Or shorter smaller girls?

[dasein]

OP it's likely going to take lots of time and understanding for someone to consider you an adult sexually. Would keep going very slowly with your GF. If after much time, she still can't view you sexually, you will need to find other options who will consider you an adult. For now, just enjoy each other's company in nonsexual ways as long as the fun is there.

[cantwait]

I don't think of women as "yucky" and I want companionship and to feel close to someone like anyone else - yes I am not so sexual myself (as I stated above) but I understand that for many people sexual intimacy is an important part of a relationship and creates a closer bond and I am conscientious about the needs of my partner. Anyway I recommend <members> visit http://kallmanns.org and read the personal comments of other people with Kallmanns and how it affects our lives.

Edited November 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted post

[cantwait]

It sounds to me that she has a great affection and great attachment to you. It doesn't sound like she wants to sleep with you, though.

 

How long have you been dating?

 

Are there dating sites where you can meet a women who also has the same syndrome as you? You might find yourself being less self-conscious then.

 

Hi thanks for your thoughts.

We have been dating for half a year. Some women suffer from Kallmanns but it more commonly affects men - I have met two females but neither I was interested in deeply.

 

I appreciate the idea you are getting at suggesting I meet girls who are similar to me.. but it sort of reminds me of the film Shrek. When it came out I was around 13 or 14 and the differences between myself and my peers was really becoming aparent and painful. I remember people talking about that movie being so different from a classic hollywood fairytale because it celebrated the beast getting the beauty. For me that was a beautiful idea because despite my shortcomings (no pun intended) I always hoped that I could be close to "normal" people or lead as normal a life as possible. The film ultimately ended with Shrek marrying his bride - who also turned out to be an ogre. For me this only reinforced the classic hollywood vision that certain people belong together - beauty with beauty and beast with beast. I don't want to have to resort to seeking out others like me - I have nothing against those in a similar position to me and of course if those people were right for me I would definitely consider it but I don't want to limit myself I'd like to think I could find a more normal woman to love me. In a way I think I have found that but perhaps these issues of physicality are insurmountable?

[cantwait]

First I wanted to say that I love your positive attitude and your post is inspirational. I hope you can always keep this attitude. Second, I'm afraid she is not seeing you that way and I'm not sure if there is much you can do. Perhaps it would be easier for you if you look for people with the same condition? Or shorter smaller girls?

 

Hi there again thanks for your ideas and I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I answered another post about the issue of dating people like me so please read that.

 

RE your other point about Brooke seeing me "that way" - If she is not seeing me like that why is she going out with me? As a woman is it easy to date a guy you have no sexual feeling for? Does it matter to you guys? Should I be worried about it? Am I being unrealistic thinking I can have a normal relationship like others? Please tell me straight that is why I am here asking - mentally I am a man and I can deal with honest comments.

[mesmerized]

Hi there again thanks for your ideas and I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I answered another post about the issue of dating people like me so please read that.

 

RE your other point about Brooke seeing me "that way" - If she is not seeing me like that why is she going out with me? As a woman is it easy to date a guy you have no sexual feeling for? Does it matter to you guys? Should I be worried about it? Am I being unrealistic thinking I can have a normal relationship like others? Please tell me straight that is why I am here asking - mentally I am a man and I can deal with honest comments.

 

She obviously likes you a lot and really enjoys your company. But if she hasn't wanted anything physical yet, she might not be really into having intimacy with you. Some women have lower sex drives and might even prefer a relationship without sex but I cannot tell if that is the case with your girlfriend or not.

 

As for if you are being unrealistic or not, anything is possible. I mean you already have a young beautiful woman interested in you, a lot of guys here who don't have your condition would love to have that. It's just that in your situation it's harder to find that special woman and you might have to compromise.

[Mrlonelyone]

I can understand where the OP is coming from. Being very androgynous and in fact transgendered myself, people always made assumptions about me, my gender, and my sexuality that weren't really true. (I know you aren't TG'd but I can still understand a bit of what you deal with). This is what I can say to them which is true and I hope they come back to read it :

 

Anyone who will love someone who is as different as us has to go on a personal journey. As we don't fit the molds and boxes and expectations of society the decision to love one of us requires actual thought. Anyone who will love me will have their sexual identity challenged. Anyone who loves the OP will have a similar challenge.

 

There is no way to make a given person treat you right, they may just not be up to the challenge. The strongest obstacle is that she will fear social rejection if she gets with you.

Edited November 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

This thread has been edited. Please report any suspected 'fake posts' and let moderation handle it. Moderation has deemed this to be a valid topic so continue discussion *on-topic*.

[Mrlonelyone]

That may be true in general but the world is more complex than that. Some people are able to love and accept a wider variety of mates than people who look like Barbie and Ken.

 

Here is a website by a man with this syndrome he is quite public about it and runs an association for such people. Note he has a rather normal looking and attractive wife.

 

http://www.hypohh.net/about/com.htm

 

She isn't pathological, she is a loving soul.

[pteromom]

The film ultimately ended with Shrek marrying his bride - who also turned out to be an ogre. For me this only reinforced the classic hollywood vision that certain people belong together - beauty with beauty and beast with beast.

 

I got something completely different out of Shrek. That Fiona was happy being an "ogre". She didn't care about her outer beauty - she cared about being with the man (ogre) she loved. She could feel beautiful and sexy and desirable being fat and green.

 

As far as your relationship, there may be a good reason your girlfriend feels comfortable in a relationship where there is no passion or sex. Do you know if she has any type of sexual abuse in her past? She could feel very safe being with someone who she doesn't share sex with.

 

I think you need to have a very real discussion with her. Lay it all out there and see what she is feeling. Yes, it may come to light that she doesn't really have romantic feelings for you, but it is better to deal with the truth than to worry about all the possibilities.

[somedude81]

It really doesn't sound like your GF truly thinks of her as being your GF.

 

I'm sure she likes you, but you're more of a special friend to her.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I could only imagine, and probably not even that...the challenges you have in the dating world due to your condition.

 

As inspiring as your optimism may be and the courage that it must take to try to fit into this...already twisted and superficial world, there are just going to be some situations and circumstances you will have to accept and others you can work on by building a relationship that in time, may gradually process into a romantic and then physical relationship by someone who is willing and most importantly able to emotionally navigate and come to terms with your condition to still be able to romanticize this relationship.

 

It is simply unnatural for the majority of people to come to terms with being intimate with someone who looks as though they are 6 or 7 years old, regardless of their actual age. You are obviously not a child, however you still appear as one physically, it must be a bit frightful and unnerving to even imagine the scenario and would make you question yourself on where you are with your own security and mental/emotional health if you could simply be intimate with someone that appears your age, regardless of the fact you are not.

 

Furthermore this girl is only 19 years of age, her own insecurities and how the media projects how she should look, feel, dress, what she should listen to and what boys she should like and date are still all factors not to mention peer pressure. Especially at this age you haven't even begun to come into your own, you're learning your own strings.

 

Although you want to live a normal life, I don't know how easily achievable that is going to be for you, that's just going to be the reality, the bar is higher for you, because you need someone who is able to look past your physical limitations and still be able to see you in an intimate way. And that's not going to be an easy thing to accomplish, even if she feels very close, connected, and loving towards you...romance is something part physical, part emotional and very much psychological.

 

Your challenge presents you with a difficult obstacle to overcome...your attitude towards life so far is going to present you with more opportunities and open doors that someone with your condition would just simply give up.

 

However the question will be whether you can find someone who is willing and able to in time, not overnight and I believe in time you can...that look past your appearance and develop a more intimate relationship as they develop their own conscious of what you look like in their minds to them, however you need to realize that's going to have to come from place that is very emotional and psychological than physical...if physical at all. And a 19 year old girl, might not be the candidate for that. You might have to settle for her limited affections, she has her own challenges to overcome as well.

 

All you can do is develop the emotional relationship...you know, as a "regular" guy myself, I've had opportunities in my life to take advantage of some physical attributes and qualities I had to my advantage, and while they may have served me well even if I had not intended them to be with some women as I do not control some of them anymore than you do yours...I have never really relied on them or put much thought into them other than my own desire to look and feel how I want to be presented. I've always put more effort into the inside, who I was, what I represented, how I loved, how I made someone else feel and how I communicated and expressed myself, my passion and fire about my beliefs and feelings is always what I felt is what I was.

 

I'm not going to try and tell you that you can wash away all of your issues with these other things or that you can overcome any challenge, but if you find yourself, you'll become very strong and confident with yourself and in your own skin, much less wavering than others...accepting the things you can change and cannot equally and with a level-head.

 

You have a rare condition, so you find ways to overcome your challenges because you know better than any of us what those challenges are, and how to develop relationships and how to build a emotionally sound relationship, you figure out the pieces of the puzzle so you can one day advise others in your shoes years from now on how you handled it and what you figured out or what you did figure out.

 

What I'm trying to say to you in short is that in regards to your relationship is you have to bring up all those other areas around a relationship before it becomes physical, that's my best advice to you. That's why I'm talking about all these other elements above, you've got to put your focus on different areas than a normal person who can just hit the physical, then just figure out everything else later. You need a completely different strategy, one of depth and communication to have any chance of overcoming this obstacle.

[Mrlonelyone]

There is one positive about the OP's situation overall. Think about how those of us who are traditionally attractive on some level go through having shallow meaningless relationships.

 

They will not.

 

Every relationship they have in their life will have to be deeper than physical.

 

Most of us make mistake after mistake as our lust convinces us that a hot bod=good character and parenting skills. They will not do that.

 

Likewise, anyone thoughtful enough to get to know them as an equal person will have to see the positive personality traits in them. See that the OP would make a good mate overall. That having judgemental fools look on in ignorance is a small price to pay for that deeper connection.

 

TL;DR: The bottom line is there is no way to make anyone in particular like you that way. To that extent you are just like the rest of us. You are also lucky in a way, you wont waste your life sifting through so many BS people...your condition should filter most of them out. (Try to sit back and laugh as those same women who reject you likely end up complaining about why they can't find a good man when they are thinking with the wrong head, so to speak. )

Edited November 16, 2012 by Mrlonelyone