Waz Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Well, this is a bit complicated, so i didn’t know which section was appropriate for posting this. Also, forgive me about my english if there is something you can’t understand. Anyway. I met online a girl about 8 months ago, on facebook. Actually she was the one who approached me first. We had some mutual friends in real life, but it didn’t happen to meet each other in person earlier. We both live in different cities not too far, studying for university. We were talking and stuff only on facebook, after a while we exchanged msn, skype, numbers. We were talking a lot on a daily basis, for hours, so it was natural to bond, with a situation like this. One day, as we were talking, she said she feels “a deep love” for me and she can’t say for sure what exactly is. She said about some kind of deep feelings etc. and she knew that i couldn’t understand her . I was shocked, because we were never met each other in person and we ’ve been talking for only about a month, we never had spent so much time together. I couldn’t understand that, but i tried at least to understand what those feelings mean for her. The next month we met each other for the first time, when I was in her city, to see some friends (the mutual ones) and it happened to sleep in her place the first day, cause one of my friends who would host me, couldn’t that day for some reasons. Well, we met up, it was like we knew each other, after all these conversations online. I was feeling awkward at first, but very soon we were both feeling comfortable with each other. This day we made it out, starting by me. Although she asked for sex i said that it was too early, but the next day, we did this too After all these, she said that it was the first time she had been through something like this, she usually takes it really slow to reach to this point. She told me that she didn’t want a relationship because a) we were apart, this distance thing and b) she didn’t want to put a label on it, meaning that in the end there would be two scenarios: i) to break up or ii) to marry (in the deep future). She said that she was taking the whole thing seriously and never wanted to lose me and we should take it slow, so this was the best way to do it. I was confused, after what happened but I agreed with that. We respected each other and agreed to always telling the truth and also if someone feels something changing between us about the feelings, we would tell each other. 2 days after, she also said “I love you”. It was strange for me, because as you can read, all happened very soon :S Anyway, I was in her city for about a week, we were doing very good. When i left for my city we kept communicating. I was cool with the situation, thinking clearly. She also seemed to be in love with me, she was texting me very often (more often that I did), we were talking a lot, she was sweet to me etc. She also came to my city for a weekend, to spend some time, we were very good. Sometimes I was thinking the whole relationship thing, but I realized that I don’t care about that, because i was feeling like I was in relationship with her getting and giving love (well as much as you can get and give love from a distance). I am optimist as a person and I knew that in the future we would be in the same city if we wanted to. Two months passed very well, we met up again doing great, the summer came and she was on vacation at her cousins. She was very anxious with her upcoming exams and when her brother suggested her to also go on vacation with him and his friends for a few days, she didn’t want to. But I encouraged her to go, to be fresh when she would study for her exams. At august, when she came back home, i was feeling that she suddenly became distant to me without knowing the reasons.. I thought that maybe it was only in my head, because I had also some other personal problems and they may affected me. But it was clearly different. We were not communicating how we used to. We had daily but limited contact, usually like “Hey, how are you, I’m doing this, that etc, ok bb kisses”. I asked her if something changed or if she had any problem, but she was saying that all is fine, she was just getting tired to speak with me only from the internet and the phone, she wanted more. She was kind of cold. I started trying to talk to her more often, to figure out what was going on but I couldn’t understand. So, after September (exams period) came, things were like this but i got used of it. I thought that maybe, she was anxious about the exams and all will be better after that. We were talking, but most of times it was like we were talking as friends. She even mentioned her ex, telling me their story, something that i never asked about, and she was asking me about my exes. At October after the exams period, I went at her place, to figure out what was going on and to fix it. It was the 4th time (and the last) we met up in person. We had a good time, but as days were passing she said that “she isn’t in love with me, actually she never was or she may was once, but seeing the current situation (distance, potentials of a relationship etc) she killed those feelings, to think things more realistic, but she loves me and she is attracted by me (appearance, character etc.)”. She also said that if a chance appear to anyone of us (someone else with the potentials of a serious relationship), we should not ignore it, because it is unfair to ignore chances that would turn into something nice, because of this situation. I was hurt about this, i told her that i was in love with her (she was actually my first real love) but if it is what she wants, then ok. The next day i left. We didn’t talk at all. The other day I called her, to ask some questions (because I had the time think more clearly), like how she wasn’t in love with me, and how she was loving me since we haven’t met many times (only four). I suppose that love comes, after “being in love”, it’s a more mature feeling. Or it can come after spending so much time with someone. But this didn’t happen with us. And also, if I assume that she was really loving me, what kind of love she was feeling about me? Love like a friend, a family, a lover? I was getting some answers that actually didn’t answer clearly to my questions, answers like “I don’t know, I can’t specify, I’m just feeling that way” etc. The following days I was really screwed, I was trying to figure out what happened. We were not communicating. After a week I called her, being very positive and nice and I suggested her, to come to her place, having in mind to solve the problem. She said no, because things would become more complicated. And she said, she also had a chance with someone, but it wasn’t sure and maybe it was wrong that she told me that, too soon. I told her ok then I think we shall just leave it and I wished her a happy life etc for a goodbye. She told me that, we would continue communicating and whenever I wanted, I could talk to her. And I refused because I already was the first one who made the talking all the time, the latest months. We agreed that, after all we couldn’t be just friends and I also said that she was strict about our situation (distance etc). I was very devastated and decided to proceed to NC, to feel better. I deleted her number, messages, msn, skype, unfriend her from facebook, anything that was connecting me with her and remind me of her. Six days after NC, she sent me a message on facebook like “Hey, how are you? How you doing?” and I answered 2 days later something like “Hey what’s up, I am fine”. It’s been a month since then and we haven’t talked. I had a discussion about it, with friends etc, I just want more opinions. I feel now, after a month, really better. What do you think?
todreaminblue Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I feel it is possible to develop feelings for someone after a few meetings an attraction be it physical mental or a bit of both....I recently discovered this I havent had that happen to me before and i don't get attracted either until i really know someone and its a gradual build.....so i think these feelings i had were partly a physical response and the fact that i know he is an awesome guy....that one is instinct....... i think you jumped the gun with the sex and making out......i do think touch is important ..having actual physical interaction that is dates and such......slow hand.....always better......all this is hindsight though for you....her saying that you shouldn't knock back any chances that come your way is a gentle let down...if she had any feelings for you she wouldn't have suggested that..... the thought of the person that i am attracted to with someone else...not pleasant at all...in my opinion most women would feel that way with someone they are interested in being with...you need to stay NC as you will be hurt when you start seeing pictures of her with someone else....i am glad you are doing better.....that doesnt mean you wont slump if something happens between her and some other guy..you have to be prepared for that...stay strong and best wishes.....deb
ja123 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Firstly, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better after a month; however, you're still not over her and that will take time. Going "no contact" is a good thing. It really sucks that she came on to you so strongly and expressed her "love", and now has dumped you for "practical" reasons. Like you said, if you both wanted to, then you'd find a way to be together: either you'd move to her city, or she to yours. It's really hard to say why she's acted like this. Maybe she has fears and committment issues: either from her previous relationship, or from some hidden shame about herself. Maybe this is not clear in her head, even to herself, so that's why she couldn't give you clear answers to your questions: she doesn't know exactly, so can't verbalize her feelings. But you can't change someone else; those are things she'll have to figure out for herself. She also told you that she has a chance with someone else, so clearly she's exploring other options. That sucks, frankly; but, ultimately, it's her decision. It's time to explore your other options, too. It'll probably take a few months of "no contact" to get her out of your system. Hang in there!
Author Waz Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 Thanks a lot for your replies @todreaminblue Maybe it was too fast the thing about sex, but it came out naturally, we didn't stress it at all. Well, i don't regret it. In the end, i don't think that fact matters so much, if someone wants to be with someone. I know it was a way to let me down, but i can't understand how she changed her mind so fast, her attitude and all these, knowing that we had not so many meetings, so practically it was, at least at this time, impossible to fall out of love. That's what i can't understand.. Well, i feel better, i know that i haven't got completely over yet of this, but really, i have thought about that very much. I don't feel mad or something or blame her for something specific and i know that from my side i was very kind, we hadn't any fights, or being insecure, clingy and all that stuff. Sure, i would be sad if i saw her with someone else, but it's normal and i think that would help me realise faster that only time matters of how things will develop. I will not wait, not something to brag about, but i always had and still have many chances with other people, but i am selective, and i thought i chose her to try things out that maybe would turn to something beautiful, but after all these, you know, it pisses me off that we had not any chance under normal conditions, to see how things could really be. @ja123 i guess you might be right about the commitment issues. I remember once she said me that if (in my case) she thought that she had a boyfriend, but he was some km's away and in the near future was impossible to be together normally, she would go nuts. I don't know about her previous relationships, i never asked her, i know only what she told me. And in this case, with her ex, there was a time they there apart for a while (distance) and that's why they broke up, because they couldn't handle it. She said that "those circumstances crushed her ex, and her ex crashed herself with his behavior". I can live without her, i just want to give it a shot in the future, to know what would happen. I do not want to get her back right now, but i am not negative to try again after a while, after maybe 2 or 3 years, but who know where would be after so long, and it's in my head i don't know what she is thinking. Thank you very much for your replies. Anyway, i make the no contact as i said and i feel better. At the following month, she has her birthday. I think if i should wish her or not. What do you say?
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