My ex-lady cracked today because of my no contact.

[DreamerDeceiver]

Hopefully this can help some guy going through the same struggle I was.

 

So damn, I haven't posted in ages. Many moons ago I wrote a thread in this forum being concerned if I was being too hard on my ex with "no contact." (side note: When I look back I think wow, how chumpish of me to be still concerned over her feelings after I dumped her.) Hey man, I was in :love: with the woman. I had dumped her for being a player and dropping off the face of the earth, apparently I was a New Years/XMas winter fling of the season while her main man was out of town. Well to those who say no contact doesn't work, they're wrong.

 

After giving her the silent treatment for 10 months, even when I've seen her person, she had one of her closest friends who I'm cool with come up to me today, and tell me she is really tripping out, jittery and even scared, doesn't know what to do around me. When I'm in the flesh, she can't concentrate and it's really been affecting her.

 

I was like "well dang, I didn't know she felt that way", with a sly grin at her friend who told me this. Apparently I have to be "more nice" to her and not treat her like a ghost. Will I do this? I guess but, I don't have to see her again for many months. So I'll see how I feel then.

 

Guys, stay strong if a girl treats you like trash, because they will see what they missed - a real man who doesn't take no sh--.

 

"My ex cracked because of no contact / but there ain't no way I'm having her back / I need a strong woman who doesn't front / not an immature girl who doesn't know what she wants."

 

Lesson learned, you need to be as hard with the game as it is to you because it shows no mercy. This message has been brought to you by the letters A, F, and C.

[Balzac]

" Will I do this? I guess but, I don't have to see her again for many months. So I'll see how I feel then.. "

 

Interesting comment.

[PissOfMind]

Well, I am not a man, but it seems that I am now experiencing the same thing with a guy.

 

He disappeared on me over a year ago, but I didn't ask any questions, didn't beg him and basically left him alone- after all, that was what he wanted, right? Strict NC for 13 months.

 

Last month we bumped into each other in a club , he wanted to chat and behaved as if nothing had happened, but I politely said hi and turned my back after a while, and that was it.

 

Soon afterwards, he started to post comments on my blog. Apparently, he is clever enough not to send me a private message; he turns out to be oh so intersted in what I post on my blog and while he comments my stuff, he refers to its content only. How smart!

 

A few days ago our mutual friend ( who btw is not one of his closets friends) told me that they had talked and my ex told him that he had behaved terribly, he had been unfair to me and stuff. Am I naive or did my ex tell my friend everything hoping I would hear that from him? Yesterday he left me yet another comment. Again... as if nothing happened.

 

I do not reply but I can't say I am not tempted to do this..I wish his behavior was a result of him being truly sorry about what he did, but if he couldn't apologise like a man...then I don't know what to think about his true intentions.

 

Would you say that our exes could play in the same team? Should I really ignore him or reply to his comments and see what happens next? I don't know what's better- not to respond at all, respond officialy, or attack him and tell him to f** off. It seems I am not as tough as you and I am more likely to forgive...even if I should not:(

Edited November 16, 2012 by PissOfMind

[DreamerDeceiver]

Hey PissOfMind,

From a guy's point of view here is what is going on in is head, quoting from your post.

 

Last month we bumped into each other in a club , he wanted to chat and behaved as if nothing had happened, but I politely said hi and turned my back after a while, and that was it.

 

The single little act of turning your back on him and going on with your club night got him to start feeling for you again... he wanted to talk to you more, he probably realised what he lost especially after 13 months.

 

Soon afterwards, he started to post comments on my blog. Apparently, he is clever enough not to send me a private message; he turns out to be oh so intersted in what I post on my blog and while he comments my stuff, he refers to its content only. How smart!

 

Passive way of trying to communicate with you... trying to get a response from you. He is really interested in YOU and not your blog. If he really wanted to talk to you he would of at least sent a private message, calling you would be even better.

 

A few days ago our mutual friend ( who btw is not one of his closets friends) told me that they had talked and my ex told him that he had behaved terribly, he had been unfair to me and stuff. Am I naive or did my ex tell my friend everything hoping I would hear that from him? Yesterday he left me yet another comment. Again... as if nothing happened.

 

LOL closets friends. Maybe he should come out. But for real though - no you are not naive, he is suffering over you and cracking because of your no contact, after all you did just leave him alone this entire time which was the smart thing to do. And his desperation to get you back is growing more and more with each comment he posts. He is probably in a dating rut and is turning to you.

 

I do not reply but I can't say I am not tempted to do this..I wish his behavior was a result of him being truly sorry about what he did, but if he couldn't apologise like a man...then I don't know what to think about his true intentions.

 

Good, don't reply, stay strong. You have the total power in this situation. He should have at least called you and apologized like a man if he was serious in getting back together with you. From experience... it's very dangerous to get back with an ex because the other one will try to get revenge and dump the other one the second time around at the slightest thing. Unless kids are involved or both people are very mature, it is bound to collapse again and the other side will be the one dumping.

His true intentions are quite obvious. He wants to taste you again

 

Would you say that our exes could play in the same team? Should I really ignore him or reply to his comments and see what happens next? I don't know what's better- not to respond at all, respond officialy, or attack him and tell him to f** off. It seems I am not as tough as you and I am more likely to forgive...even if I should not:(

 

I don't know if our exes could play in the same team. It depends on many things. If he doesn't have many options in dating then it's obvious why he's acting this way, he's stuck on you. It also depends on how "bad" the breakup was. My ex was not used to guys dumping her because she is the kind of lady who has incredible options in dating. So when I dumped her (I do not reward bad behavior of any kind) it was a total shock for her.

I do know one thing. You have the complete power in the situation because you have maintained NC this whole time. Just be glad you can do whatever you want.

 

The moment you forgive him and start talking to him he will be on a 24/7 mission to get back with you and he will be chasing - any girl would love to be in this position, it's an ego boost for you. He will act like your "friend" and you can put him in the friend zone, if he's happy with that then LOL what a wuss. You can make him into your puppet.

But if you don't want anything to do with him at all - you don't want to be friends etc - then ignore him online, and keep on doing no contact. It's your life, you don't have to forgive someone if you don't want to. Alot of it has to do with how bad the breakup was and why the breakup happened in the first place. You could just address him and be like "sorry but I have a boyfriend and we can only be friends etc" and continue on from there.

 

I was also worried about being too extreme with no contact but in the end it was the best thing I could have done to maintain my dignity and show her what kind of person I am. And in your situation I know men would love to have a strong woman who could just fold her arms and be like "NO", who knows what she wants. It's really up to you, girl.

 

I know I wrote alot, blame the coffee... but if guys on here can't listen to any advice on Loveshack, then maybe some ladies will.

[PissOfMind]

Thank you Dreamer for this incredibly insightful post!

What you wrote made me really proud of myself and my decision to pretend he doesn't not exists for over a year. ;P

 

"If he really wanted to talk to you he would of at least sent a private message, calling you would be even better".

Send me a message, call me? He has never been very likely to do it, you know;P It was me who has always been willing to reach out , make contact etc. And now he is even less likely to change that custom, because he is - allegedly-ashamed of his shady behaviour. Yea, I know that shame is no excuse. You either have balls to apologise or you don't.

 

"LOL closets friends. Maybe he should come out"

woohoo, I wrote "closets friends":lmao: - haha, how nice you noticed it, but no pun was intended. I meant that this mutual friend of ours was NOT his closest friend, obviously.

 

" He is probably in a dating rut and is turning to you"

Yes, that's what I thought, too. You wrote your ex has many options...my ex has always had them, too. He's a very handsome guy who definitely knows how to be charming and , I hate this word, seductive. This probably contributed to his commitment resistance- why stick to one person if you have so many options? He has a history of extremely short -lived relationships, the one with me was the longest one in his career...when he realised that I think about something truly serious, he started to withdraw...when I threatened to leave him and never get back, he made an attempt to change, but eventually, the attempt was unsuccessful.

 

Later on, I reached out to him again, we even planned to have a long trip to Asia together and that was when he disappeared. With no single word. See, it's not a normal person. This is someone who truly lacks dignity and has a serious emotional problem. Which is now confirmed by the way he behaves as he tries to reappear in my life somehow. He cannot commit to being with me and..to not being with me. I guess so.

 

"If he doesn't have many options in dating then it's obvious why he's acting this way, he's stuck on you".

I also thought he could be a common narcissist, suffering terribly once he realises he has no room in my life anymore and I am somehow alive without his gracious presence.

 

"My ex was not used to guys dumping her because she is the kind of lady who has incredible options in dating"

Narcissism again. I think there is one question we can both analyse- do our exes "crack" because they truly want US back and regret the loss of OUR company or is it just that they cannot stand the idea of not being the centre of someone's universe. Well, my ex is smart, handsome and has dated many girls, but I am not sure if he has ever been that desperate to be " a star" with herds of admirers. Which does not mean that he does not miss an ego boost;P

 

But speaking about your ex...it seems she is used to having lots of a** kissers around her and when you declined, she felt humiliated. If that's the case, and you say it is, consider it a huge success ;P but I guess you would probably like it more , if she missed YOU, because of who you are not because you simply dared to leave her...

 

" And in your situation I know men would love to have a strong woman who could just fold her arms and be like "NO", who knows what she wants."

I definitely know what I want and what I want is a decent ,stable relationship with a stable person..that he is not. But then, I am probably so addicted to this whole drama he caused and so nostalgic, that my actions and thoughts seem to contradict things that I want.

 

" You can make him into your puppet."

Temporarily , maybe yes, but I guess that once he gets his narcissistic fill, HE will try to turn ME into his puppet- he has never succeeded in doing so, but he definitely wanted to have everything on his terms. This makes me almost sure that I should not break NC and let him play the game again, but...

 

I don't know if this is the case with you, but there are moments when I really miss the good old times, all these hours we spent talking (not only shagging), but then I think about the way he humiliated me and his apparent lack of remorse ("why apologise if I can just pop up out of the blue and try to use some pathetic ways to get her attention?") and this is when I feel like writing him a rant that would make him cry ( we were together for a year, so I do know which weak point to touch upon;P).

 

See, I am really in two minds about it. I try not to let my imagination blur my viewpoint on him, but it's difficult. Therefore, I find it incredible that you stuck to NC. How do you stop yourself from making a contact when you feel like it, or when nostalgia kicks in? ( unless, you feel no nostalgia, only anger / relief;P)

Edited November 16, 2012 by PissOfMind

[DreamerDeceiver]

Glad you liked my post, we seem to have the same concern about being "too mean" to our exes during no contact.

 

I don't know if this is the case with you, but there are moments when I really miss the good old times, all these hours we spent talking (not only shagging), but then I think about the way he humiliated me and his apparent lack of remorse. How do you stop yourself from making a contact when you feel like it, or when nostalgia kicks in? ( unless, you feel no nostalgia, only anger / relief;P)

 

Here is what helped me. Aside from the standard "throw away all things they gave you, delete all contacts, exercise and focus on your career/hobbies etc" one thing I have learned in life is that we always make exes out to be better than they really were. We idealize them in our heads and only remember the good things. Think about all the things they did that hurt you, or made you go . There are plenty of examples with your ex, with his wishy-washy ways. He obviously didn't know what he wanted when he had you in his life.

 

An example from my experience. I used to lovingly stroke my exes hair when we would be close; she had the most beautiful long black hair, and I let her know. But afterwards, she would always get peeved at me doing this and try to fix it afterwards and complain. So I always remind myself that no matter how intimate and loving I would be towards her, because I felt she deserved it, she would act like it was an annoyance on her so-called "physical perfection." There's that narcissist thing you were talking about, in play. What a turnoff to me.

 

Not to mention, if we ended up staying together in a long term relationship, I would have to put up with her "attention addiction" along with other BS and would probably be driven crazy and miserable 24-7 like a chump who knows he can't do any better so he settles. While I want a hot girlfriend I'm sure as hell not going to violate my self-respect for her power. My ex loved to be the center of attention (too much) and would tounge flirt with guys right in front of me which is unacceptable! So these are things I always use to remind myself why it would never work out in the end, and why I should just stick to my career and hobbies - advancing in my own life and remain in NC. Our exes are exes for many reasons, hurting the other partner is usually the final straw.

 

I think there is one question we can both analyse- do our exes "crack" because they truly want US back and regret the loss of OUR company or is it just that they cannot stand the idea of not being the centre of someone's universe.

 

The answer is both. Everyone on this planet has an ounce of narcissistic tendencies. There are feelings left over of unfinished business as well as their pride to take into account. But why analyze it?... let him suffer and think about your past relationship together 24/7, and you not be the one thinking about "why this and why that." The person who cares the least is the one who has the most power in the relationship, and right now, the ball is in your court due to your exes actions of hope/desperation/neediness/lonliness. If he was so suave he would not be crawling back to you. Don't end up being the one thinking about a dead relationship because it will drag you down. Although yeah, it's hard to move on and everyone dissects a relationship once it's over. But there are some things in life that you just have to ignore for your own good. "Don't beat a dead horse."

 

The narcissism and a-hole tendencies that led to your exes actions that led to the breakup, is slowly turning him into an unattractive girl chaser. The best revenge for you is living a good life, finding a new man, getting "hotter" (I mean in all ways, physically and financially) and staying in NC. If you ask me, the fact he didn't call you straight up like a man and would rather play stupid passive online games with messages waiting for you to respond and take his bait is enough to go "ugh."

 

This is when I feel like writing him a rant that would make him cry ( we were together for a year, so I do know which weak point to touch upon

 

Trust me, from a guy's point of view, staying in NC and you being a strong lady will be alot harder on him than writing a mean rant in which you make fun of his weak points. If you do write him a mean email he will think you're trying to "start a war" with him and then, he will never leave you alone, plus, what if you see each other again? No need to stoop down to his level and throw gasoline on a burning house. I'll tell you again, guys (who are serious about having a relationship and not a quick f---) love a strong woman who knows what she wants, crosses her arms puts her feet down and sticks to it. No matter how many times guys or girls mess around, deep inside we all want to find someone one day in our lives that is going to be down for us through thick and thin.

 

Best way to show your dating value is to stay in NC once a relationship is truly over. Cry on your own but never show any weakness in public, or to them. Hope this helped any guys and girls out there going through this.

[PissOfMind]

Dreamer, thanks a lot, I really appreciate it that you are sharing your experiences and ideas with me.

 

"Here is what helped me. Aside from the standard "throw away all things they gave you, delete all contacts, exercise and focus on your career/hobbies etc" one thing I have learned in life is that we always make exes out to be better than they really were".

I would say it's because time erases most of bad memories....the more time passes, the less we remember about things that sucked, that's my theory. I guess I did everything I could to facilitate the healing process, immediately deleted his number, no fb friendship , all pics hidden and so on. And you know, as long as we both stuck to NC, it was all quite easy. During these 13 months I did a lot to rebuild my self esteem and I surrounded myself with people who truly care for me. And then, shazam, he reappears and makes all these thoughts come back to me.

 

So yea, this is all quite easy when you both pretend that the other party does not exist, but the real challenge is not to crack when this other party cracks first...

 

How long have you been NC with your ex? Hasn't she reached out to you in any way? And are you sure you would stick to NC if she reached out to you somehow?

 

"I used to lovingly stroke my exes hair when we would be close; she had the most beautiful long black hair, and I let her know. But afterwards, she would always get peeved at me doing this and try to fix it afterwards and complain. So I always remind myself that no matter how intimate and loving I would be towards her, because I felt she deserved it, she would act like it was an annoyance on her so-called "physical perfection."

What a kid. And a self-obsessed kid, I should say. Yes, now it seems obvious to us that many things our exes did were unacceptable and we are basically amazed with our own patience. You think: "How could I put up with this for so long? Was I on crack or sth?" I always think about countless examples of my ex's emotional unavailability and his inability to decide on ANYTHING. Empty words and broken promises were also his favourite magic tricks. Now I can see it clear, how naive I was to think he would change someday, but the funny thing is that now, once he probably started to miss me, I think "well, maybe now, once he realised that I won't be there for him forever, he will change his ways?" You know, it is tempting to think that this time we're gonna have a happy ending.

 

I am running out of the ideas how to stop myself from fantasising about his great "conversion"...I guess such things do not happen within a year...sometimes they don't happen at all, especially if someone is a narcissist with a complete inability to assess their own actions. But well , If I know the theory so well, why are these things on my mind all the time? I feel really embarrassed.

[DreamerDeceiver]

How long have you been NC with your ex? Hasn't she reached out to you in any way? And are you sure you would stick to NC if she reached out to you somehow?

 

Been in no contact for almost 11 months. Yes, she has reached out to me before. In fact this week when I was in her town she came up to me and asked how I was but I applied the code of silence to her. Then she went and told her friend that she's going crazy because of my unwillingness to cave in. She won't tell her friend why I'm treating her like this. Next thing you know me and her friend are getting closer. Funny how things go. But anyway, some people may think I'm an a-hole for doing that but I haven't forgotten how much she hurt me, and I've had a rough life and don't take crap from people - what comes around goes around.

Like I said before I don't have to see her again for a few months, we live far apart. I'm sure I would at least say "hey" or something. But my mind is made up, and she is unattractive to me now, no matter how "beautiful" she is on the outside. Because I found out what kind of person she is.

If she's serious about getting back together she will call me. She knows that one thing that led to us breaking up was the fact that she would never call me - I was the one calling her - and I do not like looking like a chump. So if she's serious about us she will call. I don't hold my breath for it though.

 

Now I can see it clear, how naive I was to think he would change someday, but the funny thing is that now, once he probably started to miss me, I think "well, maybe now, once he realised that I won't be there for him forever, he will change his ways?" You know, it is tempting to think that this time we're gonna have a happy ending.

 

I am running out of the ideas how to stop myself from fantasising about his great "conversion"...I guess such things do not happen within a year...sometimes they don't happen at all, especially if someone is a narcissist with a complete inability to assess their own actions. But well , If I know the theory so well, why are these things on my mind all the time? I feel really embarrassed.

 

Trust me on this one. It's more likely that you will change yourself first, before other people change their ways. I know from first hand experience breaking up with my best guy friend of 7 years (substance abuse issues etc.) You will change first before other people will ever change themselves. He just wants to get back to you because he misses you. Don't fall for his game. If he was really serious he would have called you anyway. I said this to you before. It's very dangerous to get back with an ex because the one who got dumped before, will plot to dump the other one for revenge and/or willingly cheat on them "because you hurt me before so I can do whatever I want to you now." You know it's bad for you so don't do it.

 

Things you can do to take your mind off the past: indulge in things you like, hang out with friends, study HARD, work on your business/career, exercise (very helpful!) I'll use me as an example. I got into DJing after playing guitar for many years and when I broke up with my ex I started to rediscover why I loved guitar and playing metal/punk again. I even started singing in a band. And this has been very beneficial to me in finding new people to hang out and meet new girls.

 

PissOfMind you're a girl. I'll be honest with you, you hold alot of power in this situation, more than you know. Just stay strong and don't let his cracking get to you. Like I said before if he was serious? He would have called you by now.

 

If you do choose to get back together with an ex remember one thing too: the burden is on them, not you. They must prove miles and miles beyond eternity why you should even consider being with them again. Once you dump someone in a relationship you hold all the power from then on unless you let it slip.

 

I feel I've pretty much said everything I can regarding this topic but you're welcome to PM me if you want to talk more.

Edited November 18, 2012 by DreamerDeceiver

[Tiera D]

i were you i would double my efforts in silent treatment towards her,maybe this is what she takes to make her finally grow up..Good Job OP your a great example what NC is all about

 

TD

[soccerrprp]

NC has and is working for me, but the reality is that NC also doesn't work at times. NC is not a magical tool to be used to manipulate others into wanting you back... it's a 50/50 proposition.

[HeavenOrHell]

The point of no contact is to have a complete break from someone after you've split up, so that you can move on, so it does work.

 

If someone comes back after no contact, they might only be coming back because they miss you and finding it hard to adjust without you, feel lonely, old habits die hard after all, but this doesn't mean the r/ship will work second time around just because they feel lonely on their own, it can mean they come back a second or third time but doesn't mean it's going to work out or that it's a good idea to get back together.

 

 

 

 

Hopefully this can help some guy going through the same struggle I was.

 

So damn, I haven't posted in ages. Many moons ago I wrote a thread in this forum being concerned if I was being too hard on my ex with "no contact." (side note: When I look back I think wow, how chumpish of me to be still concerned over her feelings after I dumped her.) Hey man, I was in :love: with the woman. I had dumped her for being a player and dropping off the face of the earth, apparently I was a New Years/XMas winter fling of the season while her main man was out of town. Well to those who say no contact doesn't work, they're wrong.

 

After giving her the silent treatment for 10 months, even when I've seen her person, she had one of her closest friends who I'm cool with come up to me today, and tell me she is really tripping out, jittery and even scared, doesn't know what to do around me. When I'm in the flesh, she can't concentrate and it's really been affecting her.

 

I was like "well dang, I didn't know she felt that way", with a sly grin at her friend who told me this. Apparently I have to be "more nice" to her and not treat her like a ghost. Will I do this? I guess but, I don't have to see her again for many months. So I'll see how I feel then.

 

Guys, stay strong if a girl treats you like trash, because they will see what they missed - a real man who doesn't take no sh--.

 

"My ex cracked because of no contact / but there ain't no way I'm having her back / I need a strong woman who doesn't front / not an immature girl who doesn't know what she wants."

 

Lesson learned, you need to be as hard with the game as it is to you because it shows no mercy. This message has been brought to you by the letters A, F, and C.

[Lone]

good stuff brother. glad it worked out for you and your better off now.

[PissOfMind]

well...I think Dreamer was really optimistic when he said that I can do whatever I want, once he expressed any kind of interest. I'm afraid he won't be on a 24/7 mission to get me back. Just e-mailed him asking whether he had been in the X club the other night and his response was : "No". How friendly and welcoming, huh?

I seriously have no idea what he has in his head. One time, he pops up and pretends to be nice and then replies saying "no" only. It seems he has won again;(