The_Face Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I've been spending the last month laying relativity low as far as the ex thing goes. Pretty much don't talk to her unless she initiates, and thats usually via text so it's not too much to deal with, fortunately. I try to keep things quick and to the point, so I quit doing what I used to do (asking personal questions, how are you?, etc.) and it's gone pretty well for me. Feeling better about myself and being single again. After my last visit with the ex (she came over to my place last week) I put my foot down for good and made the decision to get back to the LC thing. I made it clear to her that I'm here if she needs something baby related (whatever) but otherwise we should try and keep the contact down to a minimum. Anyway, yesterday she struck me as a little insecure, for lack of a better word. She texted me asking what I was doing. Got a text a couple minutes later, "are you ignoring me", and two missed calls later, I reply to her nothing really going on, have a good day. period. She seems overly concerned with where I'm moving, whether or not me and my brother-in-law found a place to move into. Also seems focused on whether or not I'll be talking to her week to week, making it clear that she has an appointment every week until the baby is born and she would like to be able to call me after them. I said that's fine. Whether or not she's really squirming about what I'm up to, or if I'm done with trying to be her friend, I don't know. She could be thinking anything. But it seemed like she really gives a **** when and where I move, what I'm up to and she also seemed desperate to find a reason to meet. Maybe it's just to keep tabs on me. Or to scout out what my situation looks like, whether or not she wants to try and weasel her way back in, if she should regret not moving in with me. I don't even know. It all strikes me as strange. She has me in the palm of her hand, for over a year, and she resents me for it, constantly getting irritated and throwing things in my face, making me feel like a bad guy. Then I finally, FINALLY close the door on things and move on, and she wants to talk to me again. **** that. I got off that merry-go-round when you told me to. Done with that. I guess this post was more just to share the whole NC thing, or LC thing, and how the ex's take it. This is one case where it seems to make her interested in me, in some way. Too bad it's not what I want anymore. I think for once I'm doing the right thing. Thanks to whoever has followed any of my **** up to this point. Every little bit of encouragement and advice helps.
Balzac Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Your decisions are solidly reasoned, stick to them. Where, how or why you change residence is not in her menu of options. At some moment in time, after the birth & paternity, visitation will occur. Getting to that moment may be fraught w her drama. You don't need to listen, be her friend or engage in her drama. No way should her behavior sway you to engage with her. This behavior is not pregnancy related, it's who she is. 1
Author The_Face Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 I'm still nervous how it will all play out. As of now, she thinks things are fine and cool. After she flipped out on me I regretfully told her what she wanted to hear and backed off the topic, so she doesn't know I'm still battling this fear. I've tried easing her into the topic and getting her to understand why I want the test, and how it shouldn't be this horrible thing where either person needs to feel angry about it, but that doesn't do any good to her. There is no way to ease her into anything. I am forced to just drop it on her sometime after the birth. I don't know how to go about it exactly. Part of me just wants to continue on as I am, not bothering to mention I am going to officially, definitely want this done, once and for all, once the baby is born. Because what would that do? Cause another fight, another mind****, and reversal of plans and everything goes to hell. I'll pass. At this point I've just got to do things in the best way for me. I am scared though that it is going to be a HUGE HUGE deal when it's done. To the point where I won't know if I'd feel comfortable going all the way in the middle of nowhere to her mom's, so I could spend time with the baby. It screams "horror movie scenario" to me. I don't expect anybody to say "oh, hey, while we wait for those test results why don't you come over and spend time with your son", I don't expect anything but anger. I guess if that's how things play out, it will be that much easier to justify going through with a parenting plan and setting up the child support arrangements, whatever,e tc... Both of those issues also resulted in fights any time they were even casually mentioned by me. The main thing I worry about now is things are going to get real ugly in a matter of seconds, once the time comes. And I just want to be able to stay civil for the baby. He's not even born yet, he definitely doesn't need to be watching his parents fight all the time. Or at all. Whoops I seem to have gone on a bit, probably made no sense what I wrote. As you can imagine,my head is so jampacked with things it's going to explode, pretty much every day. Balzac I'm glad you believe I don't have to be her friend anymore. Because it's going to be very hard to be, in the coming months. Not to mention, if the baby weren't here, I wouldn't want to even know her at this point. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.
Author The_Face Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 This behavior is not pregnancy related, it's who she is. This is so true.
Balzac Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 (edited) Try to focus on what you have an ability to control. You need to establish paternity. You need to see and hold your son. How she or her family react to the logical consequences of her behavior, poor decisions~~is on them. You cannot control them. You cannot allow them to deny you access. It's a conundrum really. 1. They contend you are the father. They will grant you access of some kind. 2. At the moment the birth certificate comes into view, or prior too.... I cannot imagine you sign. Your attorney or a social worker or some professional can offer support. My suggestion to you is that you try to stop your mind movie of that family intimidating you. Period. Every hospital has social workers & clergy on staff. You can approach them NOW. You can explain your situation & position. They will be familiar with fractious relationships. If you plan to be present for the birth, visit her and the infant after delivery, just know now that emotions run high. You cannot determine paternity cuz "he looks like you". Infants are vulnerable, if you are not the father, it may still feel disappointing. Hang tough. Edited November 16, 2012 by Balzac That group of people feed the drama to a fault.
lil hoodlum Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 She sounds immature. My guess she is coming around tentatively trying to feel you out about the paternity test situation. Maybe she has doubts too. Listen, you have the right to know the paternity of the baby before you have your name listed as father on the birth certificate. Even if it turns out that you are not the father but your name is listed on the birth certificate, you can be held legally responsible for the baby (i.e., child support). Don't let her bully you or try to sweet talk you out of exercising your right to know if you are the father or not. I believe if she were more mature she would understand your position of wanting to know. I believe she may have some doubts as to who is really the father of the baby, hence her hot and cold behavior. Just tell her that you have the legal right to know whether you are the father or not. Tell her before the baby is due. You do not need to apologize for wanting to know. She should respect your descion to know, if she can't do that, then that is on her. Good luck!
Author The_Face Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 I know I'm not going to sign anything until I get the results, but would her even listing my information on the birth certificate count against me in some way? Assuming the kid isn't mine? I mean, should I just decline giving out ANY info at all? I know alot of it she will already have (full name, age, current address, etc.).. Just curious if anyone here knows. I just want to protect myself, in the chance it's not my kid. Day 2 of NC. When I think about my ex now, it usually gives me a headache. Makes it easier to stick to my guns. I can't wait until everything gets cleared up.
Author The_Face Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 I think it's the same here, from what I've read. The whole situation with that paternity thing is so complicated. It should be a simple thing. And I'm supposed to feel bad for wanting it done? That's the ****ed up part. I'm not making her feel like a bad person for me wanting it done. WTF
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