Even playing field?

[beenburned]

coco,

 

Isn't your partner now your former MM?(you divorced your XH)

[meandmyself]

I am still thinking why the OW or the OM should be the ones that should warn the BS about the danger... should it not be the WS? At the end is the only one who has a commitment with the BS...

 

I think that the OW/OM who try to justify what they do by down speaking about the BS are very wrong... is already bad that you are helping to destroy a relationship (how bad you may think already is...) but flaming against the person that is being betrayed is very low... anyway karma exist and most of the times the OW/OM become BS as the cheating party will probably feel justified to do it again...

 

I also feel anything but pitty to the person that needs to hate the BS to forget everyday that although the WS is with her, he would not take the step to separate from his wife... that is sad, it just make this person an entertainment toy for the WS... very very sad!

 

Last but not least I don't know when this post has sense at all anyway, even play is a fantasy, it can't work in reality so you can discuss as much as you want about it but it will not change the fact that even play won't ever happen...

[MsDecember]

I have to be honest when I started this thread I never really intended to say I would compete for my own husband, cause I wouldn't. It's about the respect to your spouse and for outsiders to respect marriage. If The Marriage was so horrible, then why didn't they leave prior to confessing how unhappy they were. Because they are liars!!

 

Was I a good wife? Yes. Did I neglect my husband? NO. Did we have a lot of personal time together? No. But he didn't take the time we did have to flourish our relationship. He could have went to bed early just to snuggle or whatever with me, he chose to go out and do other things and other people. We didn't have an easy life and we always worked hard for everything we had. I sacrificed more than I can express to make a successful family with kids who were safe and happy. And I cry as I write this remembering all we had and all that we lost. All for nothing, just cause some lady thinks she deserved my H and that it was her destiny to have him. Well she can look into my babies eyes and try to explain one day why they have a very limited part time dad. But so glad that SHE is happy.

 

Now lets talk about the A, and whose needs were NOT being met... Mine,and my kids. Like I have said before his abscense affected us all. He spent Way too much time lying about business trips and meetings that I know are all fake cover stories Now. He missed out of enjoying his own marriage and family and seeing how wonderful his life could have truly been. We are the ones who sacrified and I didn't neglect him. He neglected us. I always had a disappointing feeling as he chose to do other things rather than be the family man he portrayed himself to be. The kids and I walked around on eggshells when his new position caused him stress and fear. We let him treat us like crap and yell at us if something was out of place or the kids were too loud and trying to well.. be kids. We took the brunt of what I can only guess was affair guilt, and we took it with gusto.

 

So NO I wouldn't compete for my husband, and no I didn't. That's why he is an EXH. The OW thinks she won something great too. But she got a man who is selfish and easily will give up on her if something easier comes along.

 

Also, to assume BS are not attractive or overweight or simply not worthy of the love of the spouse, is ridiculous. Look at Tiger woods ex wife as an example.. simply beautiful. I am very attractive and I get hit on everyday. I have many men waiting in the wings while I was married and still waiting in the wings while I am single. I simply have intergrity and loved my family and husband more. If you win the man in the affair, it doesn't necessarily think your the better woman, that your nicer, cuter or funnier. It could mean that your more willing to be a doormat to men who just can't be faithful and keep their ding dongs in their pants.

[Steen719]

I have to be honest when I started this thread I never really intended to say I would compete for my own husband, cause I wouldn't. It's about the respect to your spouse and for outsiders to respect marriage. If The Marriage was so horrible, then why didn't they leave prior to confessing how unhappy they were. Because they are liars!!

 

Was I a good wife? Yes. Did I neglect my husband? NO. Did we have a lot of personal time together? No. But he didn't take the time we did have to flourish our relationship. He could have went to bed early just to snuggle or whatever with me, he chose to go out and do other things and other people. We didn't have an easy life and we always worked hard for everything we had. I sacrificed more than I can express to make a successful family with kids who were safe and happy. And I cry as I write this remembering all we had and all that we lost. All for nothing, just cause some lady thinks she deserved my H and that it was her destiny to have him. Well she can look into my babies eyes and try to explain one day why they have a very limited part time dad. But so glad that SHE is happy.

 

Now lets talk about the A, and whose needs were NOT being met... Mine,and my kids. Like I have said before his abscense affected us all. He spent Way too much time lying about business trips and meetings that I know are all fake cover stories Now. He missed out of enjoying his own marriage and family and seeing how wonderful his life could have truly been. We are the ones who sacrified and I didn't neglect him. He neglected us. I always had a disappointing feeling as he chose to do other things rather than be the family man he portrayed himself to be. The kids and I walked around on eggshells when his new position caused him stress and fear. We let him treat us like crap and yell at us if something was out of place or the kids were too loud and trying to well.. be kids. We took the brunt of what I can only guess was affair guilt, and we took it with gusto.

 

So NO I wouldn't compete for my husband, and no I didn't. That's why he is an EXH. The OW thinks she won something great too. But she got a man who is selfish and easily will give up on her if something easier comes along.

 

Also, to assume BS are not attractive or overweight or simply not worthy of the love of the spouse, is ridiculous. Look at Tiger woods ex wife as an example.. simply beautiful. I am very attractive and I get hit on everyday. I have many men waiting in the wings while I was married and still waiting in the wings while I am single. I simply have intergrity and loved my family and husband more. If you win the man in the affair, it doesn't necessarily think your the better woman, that your nicer, cuter or funnier. It could mean that your more willing to be a doormat to men who just can't be faithful and keep their ding dongs in their pants.

 

^^^^^

Yep!

[Stephanie]

On topic posts please; thread jack is over.

 

Thanks

[cocorico]

Cocorico, can I ask how long you and your H have been married? I ask, not to poke holes in how happy you are or how attentive you both still are, as someone who has been in a relationship for 27 years. I can say hand on heart, that the first 22 yrs were wonderful, we had the poster marriage and were still lovers as well as married folk. The months before H's A were like living with a stranger and no amount of attentiveness worked, and even if I were not attentive an A is sure no way to fix what is broken. 5 years on from D Day we are as we always were, with changes of course, but we do not take our love for granted, even when the crappy times call. Personally, I think the true strength of a relationship is when crappy times happen and think that no A can have the same dynamics as a marriage or the added responsibility that family, life, and all that goes with it has.

The even playing field is on D Day when all are in the know and I am glad you and your H are happy and it worked out for you, I hope it continues.

 

Thank you for your wishes.

 

I don't disagree with you that a R can change over time, even suddenly as yours did. And I have no doubt ours will continue to grow and change over time, hopefully along the current trajectory.

 

What I was.disagreeing with was the view expressed int the post I quoted, which assumed (since the poster herself had never experienced it, by her own admission) that the R reality of being in an A and being M to the same person were materially different. As someone who has experienced that, I was helping her right by correcting her incorrect assumption with lived experience. She assumed that it is easier for an OW to be more attentive to her MM because of the situation of an A, and that it is more difficult for a W to be as attentive to her H because the M is not an A. That is a completely incorrect assumption. It is no more difficult for me as a W to be attentive to my H than it was for me as an OW to be attentive to him when he was M to someone else. If anything, the converse applies - since we are now together 24X7 there are many more opportunities for us both to be attentive to each other, which we readily use.

 

I don't believe the attentiveness or otherwise has anything to do with the name of the R. Rather, it has everything to do with the individuals in that R and what they choose to prioritise.

[Stephanie]

I've cleaned this thread up multiple times. Being as the original topic is rarely discussed and this has gone astray more often that not, I'm closing this thread.