newmoon Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 my bf and i have been together a little over a year. whenever we have a major fight my preferred way of dealing is to make up very quickly and move on, like in hours. he always apologizes immediately, but then likes to remain very angry from between 1-4 days depending on how bad the argument was. during his time away he refuses to touch me in any way or contact me at all. i'm the type of woman who loses interest in a man very very fast when he isn't around and affectionate/attentive, so when my bf goes off like this after a fight it basically kills my feelings for him. i have told him this before and asked that he resolve his issues quicker or at least be affectionate during this time, or something, but it hasn't changed. i don't know how to regain happy/romantic feelings for him when he goes away after a fight. i turn cold and disinterested inside and lose interest in him each time. i feel like i'm forcing myself to like him when he comes back around. what is going on here and how to stop it or fix it?
cerridwen Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 (edited) What are you doing on your end to address the issue? You want him to adapt to your way of feeling. How are you accommodating his way of processing? I ask because you're both extreme in how you resolve conflict. Edited November 15, 2012 by cerridwen 2
dasein Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Holy role reversal, glad to hear this is something women have to put up with too, but not glad you have had to put up with it OP. Don't feed it or let him drag you into minutiae or "the history of the world part 8." If an argument must be had, define the issue without sounding patronizing. Any deviation from that single issue should be met with "Wait, are we done talking about X? If we are that's all the argument time I have budgeted for this week. You'll have to wait til our next regularly scheduled argument appointment for a new issue." Defusing with humor can help unless they are pathological drama seekers, then you need to dump and get shed! Other techniques I use are "I'm done for the moment, worn out and don't want to say something I don't mean in error, let's take this up tomorrow." (tomorrow meaning NEVER!) Good luck. EDIT: argument is like the cliche barrel of monkeys, don't let the bad monkey drag you back in when you are about to escape. 2
veggirl Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 What? How does someone apologize then stay mad? If he is apologizing what is HE mad about? Weird. Well it sounds like you are very apathetic towards your relationship anyway. I think if you are really into someone, a few days is not going to make you uninterested. His behavior, well that would make me super uninterested because he sounds like a giant baby. Why are you staying with him? He sounds like a pain in the butt and it sounds like you don't really care either way. 1
lovebug1234 Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 that means the agreement/solution wasn't satisfying to him. did you create a win/lose solution?
2sunny Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 A person like him is never going to change. He is doing that to gain the upper hand....in hopes that you "bow" to him....trying to please him with niceness in the days after the fight. Some people do this on purpose...and some do it without realizing they are doing it. But either way...if it was me. I would be gone. I refuse to have a relationship with anyone that cant communicate in a mature way. There is absolutely NO REASON to stay mad like that in a healthy relationship. I agree! It's a control issue. And it looks mean spirited and disengenuous since he apologizes then stays mad! I don't think you two will be a good match long term unless you do couples therapy to see if your communication styes can be resolved. Have you read the five love languages? Has he read it? You seem to know what you need from him (which is a good thing) but not a good thing that he withholds that from you. That's not loving behavior. 1
sanjana4u Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 my bf and i have been together a little over a year. whenever we have a major fight my preferred way of dealing is to make up very quickly and move on, like in hours. he always apologizes immediately, but then likes to remain very angry from between 1-4 days depending on how bad the argument was. during his time away he refuses to touch me in any way or contact me at all. i'm the type of woman who loses interest in a man very very fast when he isn't around and affectionate/attentive, so when my bf goes off like this after a fight it basically kills my feelings for him. i have told him this before and asked that he resolve his issues quicker or at least be affectionate during this time, or something, but it hasn't changed. i don't know how to regain happy/romantic feelings for him when he goes away after a fight. i turn cold and disinterested inside and lose interest in him each time. i feel like i'm forcing myself to like him when he comes back around. what is going on here and how to stop it or fix it? I think its your feeling that force you to like him and after fight its your anger which stops you to love or like him.
mickleb Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Hi newmoon. You've done the right thing by posting here. Both of you do have extreme ways of dealing with conflict, as cerridwen says. As guff as it sounds, one method I've found really helpful for this is Dr Gray's ('Men are From Mars' guy) 'love letter' template. He suggests you write down what you're bothered about and gives you the opening to sentences you might find helpful (eg: I don't like it...) The process involves being honest about your feelings of anger, sadness, fear, regret and love, which enables you to deal pretty thoroughly with the issue at hand. I'd suggest the two of you write your 'letters' to yourselves to begin with. Just sorting out the conflicting emotions by writing them down can be extremely therapeutic. It also really helps you to understand what the underlying issues of the arguments are about. By doing this, you should both find it easier to talk about the real problems rationally, practically and respectfully. Once you begin to trust your own ability to do this, and see the results it can bring, you might move onto directly sharing your letters with each other. Even if you are worried about suggesting this to your boyfriend, I'd try using the template to write down your own feelings. It will really help you to see what you care about most, and decide how to proceed in getting what you need. Many men like this process, however, as it enables them to examine their feelings alone, and they can usually see the benefits of doing it quite quickly. They can choose to send/give their letters and not be present when their partner reads them, too. Which can be a relief for some guys(!) Here's a link to the template, which has been posted on someone's blog: men are from mars, women are from venus love letter | Roger's woze Good luck.
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