Rebecca2009 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 So I've been dating this guy for a couple of months- basically just hanging out and we have only made out once and it was brief because we were at a bar. So I've been very confused by him because he keeps wanting to hang out, but is making no moves. So I thought I would be forward with him and ask him. What do you take from his responses and do you think i approached this well? me- "hey, i dont want to be too forward, and i know you like to take things slow, but they're going so slow im afraid i might be sent to the friend zone. so instead of wondering, i thought i would just be direct and ask you if you are interested in me romantically? him- "honestly, i dont know what im doing here. i told you i was bad at this. i am interested but what exactly would you call the next step here? i guess i was holding out to see if we could get past our joking around and establish a real connection" *note we are both very sarcastic and witty* him again before i responded- "but yes, if your interested, im interested. im just not sure what im supposed to do next haha" me- "haha ok yes i am definitely interested! i think i was just confused because of the lack of physicalness..basically i wasnt sure if you were attracted to me or not" him "well i guess we'll have to work on that then! i think we both have a pretty good sense of humor, i would still like to see if you can find some similar interests or hobbies" me- "ok. once again im sorry if im being too direct. lol. but i think it was best instead of me wondering and making up possible explanations etc" him- "no your right? its better to just come out and ask. im not good at this whole dating thing, but work with me and maybe ill get better!" me "haha of course. you're definitely worth it!"
veggirl Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Weird. How old is this guy? It shouldn't be so difficult IMO. Nothing wrong with having great banter, searching for a connection seems odd and so does the whole "lets see if we have similar hobbies" thing. I've never had similar hobbies as any boyfriend and its never been an issue. And a connection...that happens organically and naturally, you build that bond over time. Couple months and you've only made out once? I think this guy is either not truly excited about you or he is so romantically inept that you will be holding his hand, teaching him and guiding him through the whole relationship should it develop.
Author Rebecca2009 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 He is 26 :/ And says he has had like 2 serious girlfriends, the last one was like 2 years ago i think?
plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 So I've been dating this guy for a couple of months- basically just hanging out and we have only made out once and it was brief because we were at a bar. So I've been very confused by him because he keeps wanting to hang out, but is making no moves. So I thought I would be forward with him and ask him. What do you take from his responses and do you think i approached this well? me- "hey, i dont want to be too forward, and i know you like to take things slow, but they're going so slow im afraid i might be sent to the friend zone. so instead of wondering, i thought i would just be direct and ask you if you are interested in me romantically? him- "honestly, i dont know what im doing here. i told you i was bad at this. i am interested but what exactly would you call the next step here? i guess i was holding out to see if we could get past our joking around and establish a real connection" *note we are both very sarcastic and witty* him again before i responded- "but yes, if your interested, im interested. im just not sure what im supposed to do next haha" me- "haha ok yes i am definitely interested! i think i was just confused because of the lack of physicalness..basically i wasnt sure if you were attracted to me or not" him "well i guess we'll have to work on that then! i think we both have a pretty good sense of humor, i would still like to see if you can find some similar interests or hobbies" me- "ok. once again im sorry if im being too direct. lol. but i think it was best instead of me wondering and making up possible explanations etc" him- "no your right? its better to just come out and ask. im not good at this whole dating thing, but work with me and maybe ill get better!" me "haha of course. you're definitely worth it!" Yikes, I second the question of how old is he? Normally, I'd say don't TALK about it...if he's not initiating, YOU initiate and see how he responds. But then again, my last bf was this super-hot, 30-something lawyer who baffled me on our first few dates by not initiating anything physical, so I went ahead and made all the moves. This went on for 8 months with me practically begging the guy for sex and him grudgingly accepting after his many excuses failed to deter me, until finally he broke up with me out of the blue with no reason whatsoever and refused to talk to me ever again. Sooo...just be wary of a guy who avoids physical intimacy at the beginning and tries to talk around it. He may just be shy...but he may be something else entirely.
Mint Sauce Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 is it possible that he's very shy and only had the courage to kiss you when slightly drunk? I think you missed an opportunity when he said he didn't know what to do next. You could have been more forward with something like: "how about another kiss next time you see me ;-)". If that didn't help, he's probably not interested enough. The comment about the hobbies does sound a bit as if he's not fully interested yet. My recommendation (as a shy guy who likes to take it slow), is to be just as forward on your next meeting. Take the lead (but don't push it). If he backs away, you have your answer. Perhaps initiate the first kiss, give him the confidence to take initiative if he wants to.
dasein Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Sorry to say, if he isn't seeking to spend more face to face with you of his own doing, it doesn't seem he's that interested. Good for you for being open about what you want and getting answers. This will help you get what you are seeking in the future. One other thing, try to avoid lots of texting early on, and let face to face be the indicator. Good luck.
Author Rebecca2009 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 the way i see it, i basically gave this guy an out if he wasnt interested. and he didn't take it. so its just weird to me. i mean i dont intiate any kissing etc just because im the girl and i am also too shy to and with my last bf, he was good at taking control so thats what i expect. . .
Author Rebecca2009 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 yes, it is only when he drinks that he gets the courage to. which i am the same way as well.
dasein Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Well, you have given him plenty of proactive interest, which is a good thing. Now sit back and see if he responds to it. If he doesn't in a reasonable time, move on to other options. If he does, be available for face to face and not so much texting.
Ami1uwant Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Sooo...just be wary of a guy who avoids physical intimacy at the beginning and tries to talk around it. He may just be shy...but he may be something else entirely. From a guy....an issue that needs to be clarified here. JBe wary of a guy who isnt physically intimate....dammed if you do/don't here. Many guys respect the women enough not to assume first date sex...especialy if they met them from an online site. The other big factor is where each has come from prior. Him coming out of a failed LTR he may be uneasy with jumping back into a serious relationship. If she mentions it or that he is the first date since her marriage he will hold back on her. Yes --after a couple of fdates something does need to happen. You need to bring this up after a month--not 6+ months.
Ami1uwant Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 the way i see it, i basically gave this guy an out if he wasnt interested. and he didn't take it. so its just weird to me. i mean i dont intiate any kissing etc just because im the girl and i am also too shy to and with my last bf, he was good at taking control so thats what i expect. . . His pass relationships could have been when she was the one that initiated it all. Neither way is good....you need balance...you need to have both people initiate freely.
plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 From a guy....an issue that needs to be clarified here. JBe wary of a guy who isnt physically intimate....dammed if you do/don't here. Many guys respect the women enough not to assume first date sex...especialy if they met them from an online site. The other big factor is where each has come from prior. Him coming out of a failed LTR he may be uneasy with jumping back into a serious relationship. If she mentions it or that he is the first date since her marriage he will hold back on her. Yes --after a couple of fdates something does need to happen. You need to bring this up after a month--not 6+ months. Agree. I wasn't talking about first date sex...I'm talking no kiss on the third date and then acting confused and awkward when I initiated it. And I didn't even mention the lack of sex (or anything aside from kissing) until three months in. So yeah, OP's nowhere near that level of "abort, abort!" yet but these things have a tendency to creep up on you.
veggirl Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 the way i see it, i basically gave this guy an out if he wasnt interested. and he didn't take it. so its just weird to me. i mean i dont intiate any kissing etc just because im the girl and i am also too shy to and with my last bf, he was good at taking control so thats what i expect. . . A LOT of people won't take the "easy out" offered to them like how you did it cause fact is it is still awkward as hell to be like "you're right I am not interested". Instead they will faaaaade. Note that when you directly asked if he is interested romantically, he gave you some mumbo jumbo about being "new" at this (yet has had 2 serious relationships...hm) Doesn't know what to do next? I don't get that. You date and spend time together and...that's how it goes. What else would there be? lol. I mean how did he get into 2 serious relationships w/o knowing how to behave? Anyway well he knows for sure you are interested in more than just "hang outs" that lead to nothing so I think the ball is in his court. I'm not sure how patient I could be with this. He's had 2 serious relationships and is still too "new" or shy or whatever to kiss you and make a move? I don't know. I'd have a hard time with that, I guess I want a more pro-active man though. 1
Author Rebecca2009 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 A LOT of people won't take the "easy out" offered to them like how you did it cause fact is it is still awkward as hell to be like "you're right I am not interested". Instead they will faaaaade. Note that when you directly asked if he is interested romantically, he gave you some mumbo jumbo about being "new" at this (yet has had 2 serious relationships...hm) Doesn't know what to do next? I don't get that. You date and spend time together and...that's how it goes. What else would there be? lol. I mean how did he get into 2 serious relationships w/o knowing how to behave? Anyway well he knows for sure you are interested in more than just "hang outs" that lead to nothing so I think the ball is in his court. I'm not sure how patient I could be with this. He's had 2 serious relationships and is still too "new" or shy or whatever to kiss you and make a move? I don't know. I'd have a hard time with that, I guess I want a more pro-active man though. yeah, and also the fact that his response to me basically asking why we aren't more intimate he goes "well we'll just have to work on that then". in my past relationship, being intimate was not something i had to "work at". it just came naturally because we were both very attracted and liked each other. like that seemed strange.
Ami1uwant Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 He also could have low sex drive or effectivly be asexual.
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