hdvries86 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Hi there, Recently I posted a message here that I wanted to surprise my ex. I didn't do it because of all the advise you guys gave me here. So now i'm with the problem my heart and brains are fighting. My heart tells me to keep on fighting and get her back no matter what it takes. My brains keep telling me stop the contact and move on because it's better than having your feelings hurt over and over again. I just can't to seem let go and want to make a final action to win her back. Yesterday and this morning I wanted to call her but I made it through to stop it. How can I survive any longer with my heart tearing me apart without her? My heart keeps telling me that I should convince her to come back to me. But the problem is you can't go for someone who doesn't love you back. Who doesn't feel the same way about you. I can't get her feelings back by telling her whats changed about me. I'm really in a battle with myself right now. So far I managed to keep her alone but want to make that final phone call in my heart. The other way around my brains tell what will you accomplish when u call her. She will probably be turned off and will be a cold women you don't even know anymore. Maybe she doesn't even pick up the phone and how would that make me feel. Maybe she want's to listen but in the end she'll say i'm really glad you've changed go find a girl who you can prove this so. So I know what's better for me but my heart keeps screaming and screaming to me! Guess this is what all people go through after a painfull break-up especially with the holidays coming on. Greetings, Henk
KatZee Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 What exactly are you fighting for here? If she left you... that's it. SHE should be the one fighting for YOU back if she really wanted you. I'll give you my experience. I broke up with an ex. From my end, it was over. I had seen enough, been with him long enough, he just wasn't what I wanted. I had no desire to work for the relationship, I had emotionally checked out, I wanted to date someone else. I was completely and truly finito. My ex on the other hand refused to believe it. He was actually telling ME that he knew I loved him so much, and he knew we could make it if we gave it another chance. I pretty much sat there like, (0_o). He didn't give up. I'm sure some people would find this admirable (you perhaps) but for us seasoned veterans of breakup's... chasing someone that doesn't want to be with you is... pathetic. He was relentless. He called me all the time. He texted. He emailed. He sent me messages on Facebook. He tried to be nice. Then he became a bit passive aggressive. Then he became flat out angry! demanding answers and demanding that I meet with him so he could show me how we'd work out. From my end, I didn't find this cute. It didn't make me want him. It made me resent him. It made me so angry. It made me pity him and despise him. I didn't want to be with him and he didn't seem to want to accept that. He kept trying to force something, and in the end I had no other choice but to become a raging b.itch to him. It was the only way to make him stop. If you want this girl back, just go away. Leave her alone. Do not pursue because you will push her so far way, to a point where you will have no chance in hell. 2
Harradin Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I am kinda in a similar situation. But I learnt from a young age, everything I wanted I needed to fight for, never give up and to give it 110% so no matter the result I knew I gave it my best shot. So when my ex left me for someone else unexpectedly, I wanted her back so I decided to try after a month, so I could have some closure. I waited a month and tried, but when she met up with me to talk, she lead me on and acted like we were a couple. Then got angry when I told her to choose between me and her new boyfriend and she stayed with the new boyfriend. Haven't spoken to her since (2-3 weeks ago.) Instead of closure its just made me more confused because it seemed like she still had feelings for me, so I keep wanting to try again but there's nothing more I can do really. I'm coping by reminding myself that its not me who should be chasing her, and if she wants me back she has to contact me and work for it. Don't know whether that helps in your situation! It does hurt though.
flitzanu Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 your heart is stupid, it is just a muscle and pumps blood. your brain...that's where your thoughts are...so listen to your brain. nothing at all except TIME is going to make your heart stop feeling the way it does.
LostOne1 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 What exactly are you fighting for here? If she left you... that's it. SHE should be the one fighting for YOU back if she really wanted you. I'll give you my experience. I broke up with an ex. From my end, it was over. I had seen enough, been with him long enough, he just wasn't what I wanted. I had no desire to work for the relationship, I had emotionally checked out, I wanted to date someone else. I was completely and truly finito. My ex on the other hand refused to believe it. He was actually telling ME that he knew I loved him so much, and he knew we could make it if we gave it another chance. I pretty much sat there like, (0_o). He didn't give up. I'm sure some people would find this admirable (you perhaps) but for us seasoned veterans of breakup's... chasing someone that doesn't want to be with you is... pathetic. He was relentless. He called me all the time. He texted. He emailed. He sent me messages on Facebook. He tried to be nice. Then he became a bit passive aggressive. Then he became flat out angry! demanding answers and demanding that I meet with him so he could show me how we'd work out. From my end, I didn't find this cute. It didn't make me want him. It made me resent him. It made me so angry. It made me pity him and despise him. I didn't want to be with him and he didn't seem to want to accept that. He kept trying to force something, and in the end I had no other choice but to become a raging b.itch to him. It was the only way to make him stop. If you want this girl back, just go away. Leave her alone. Do not pursue because you will push her so far way, to a point where you will have no chance in hell. sounds like me.. begging and all. Except my ex DID chase me afterwards to say she was confused about what she wants and her heart tells her she wants me but her mind says something else. Then she bails out on meeting me. Talking did help through she went from rage mode to calm and caring and using our pet names. She was kinda moody one day she was all lovey dovey the next few days she was cold and distant. I kinda wish I had just gone with NC the day after the BU and stuck with it. Guess I was too scared to lose her to another guy, who could take advantage of her through this hard time.
Hurt55 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Just some advice from someone who just went through a break up a little more than 3 weeks ago. he broke up with me once before after our 2 year anniversary and I was like you and wanted nothing but to get him back no matter what. It took me about 2 months of "fighting" for him and he came back. I feel like it should have never happened. We fixed our issues and we worked on the relationship, but there's a constant feeling of being left again. It doesn't have to be strong feeling, but it is there. tucked away and it rears its head everytime you will argue and get into a fight. Then you feel like you're constantly chasing them. constantly trying to prove to them that this is the best for both of you. You feel like you are trying your hardest. sometimes you feel like they aren't. You also feel like you stooped to a desperate level. where you feel like you deserved to be loved 100% but instead you settled for whatever they were willing to give you when they decided to take you back. Not saying that this happens to everyone. but if it happened to me theres a chance itll happen to you and you'll tell yourself that "if this is what it takes to make things right, its worth it" then you find yourself trying to make them happy to ensure your relationship instead of you both living happily together. the boyfriend I chased until he came back broke up with me out of no where 3 weeks ago after another 2 years together. It's not worth it. It really isn't. you'll feel good at first, but it goes away. the best situation for ex's to get back together is if the dumper pursues the dumpee. if the dumpee pursues the dumper, alot of unhappy feelings can come along with it. That being said, stop chasing after someone that doesn't want you. Yes. She doesn't want you. And why would you ever want someone who doesn't want you? Why go back to someone who doesn't want the feelings and love that you are giving her? Don't be desperate because thats exactly what you are when you chase after someone. And yes, the pain hurts. I was hurt by the same man twice. The same man I spent 4 years with and wanted to marry. you will cry and feel like you're heart is being torn out of your chest. But it goes away. Like I said, my break up was about 3 weeks ago and I still hurt and still cry, but the pain has become less and the tears are less often. Listen to your brain, because your heart is what got you into this situation to begin with. The heart had it's turn, it's time for your brain to take over.
LostOne1 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Just some advice from someone who just went through a break up a little more than 3 weeks ago. he broke up with me once before after our 2 year anniversary and I was like you and wanted nothing but to get him back no matter what. It took me about 2 months of "fighting" for him and he came back. I feel like it should have never happened. We fixed our issues and we worked on the relationship, but there's a constant feeling of being left again. It doesn't have to be strong feeling, but it is there. tucked away and it rears its head everytime you will argue and get into a fight. Then you feel like you're constantly chasing them. constantly trying to prove to them that this is the best for both of you. You feel like you are trying your hardest. sometimes you feel like they aren't. You also feel like you stooped to a desperate level. where you feel like you deserved to be loved 100% but instead you settled for whatever they were willing to give you when they decided to take you back. Not saying that this happens to everyone. but if it happened to me theres a chance itll happen to you and you'll tell yourself that "if this is what it takes to make things right, its worth it" then you find yourself trying to make them happy to ensure your relationship instead of you both living happily together. the boyfriend I chased until he came back broke up with me out of no where 3 weeks ago after another 2 years together. It's not worth it. It really isn't. you'll feel good at first, but it goes away. the best situation for ex's to get back together is if the dumper pursues the dumpee. if the dumpee pursues the dumper, alot of unhappy feelings can come along with it. That being said, stop chasing after someone that doesn't want you. Yes. She doesn't want you. And why would you ever want someone who doesn't want you? Why go back to someone who doesn't want the feelings and love that you are giving her? Don't be desperate because thats exactly what you are when you chase after someone. And yes, the pain hurts. I was hurt by the same man twice. The same man I spent 4 years with and wanted to marry. you will cry and feel like you're heart is being torn out of your chest. But it goes away. Like I said, my break up was about 3 weeks ago and I still hurt and still cry, but the pain has become less and the tears are less often. Listen to your brain, because your heart is what got you into this situation to begin with. The heart had it's turn, it's time for your brain to take over. I agree with you there.. wish I had noticed that part. I kinda wish I noticed that before. If my ex took me back.. how would it be? I mean in my mind as a dumpee I'd think what if she leaves me again and like you said, Id have to constantly prove to her I've changed. She did say that I need to prove that I am willing to change things for the better. Sure I could... but at the end of the day it would be the fear of them leaving you again later anyways. My biggest fault was taking her for granted or just not really doing special things like I used too. I'd send her random cards here and there, or do something as she said was "cute" and "sweet". She told me I lost the sweet factor, I just wasn't sweet anymore. But hey lesson learned for me.. if you lose yourself you need to find yourself soon. A person will only tolerate so much and reach their limit. My ex reached her's sadly and it hurt me a lot. 1
Author hdvries86 Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 Hi there, Thanks for all your advise on this topic. I'm going to move forward and keep up the no contact. Every situation is unique I see. Some of you got together, split up again, some of you hated the contact. But the best thing to do right now is leave it all alone and continue living my life. I give her space and maybe after a while she will also think about the good times. When I don't give her this time and space she will se me as the crazy ex-boyfriend and remember me like that. I don't want that do i? I'm allready trying to move forward and my social life is growing very quick at the moment. I have my own business which is working pretty fine for me at the moment. We all need to go through the pain we can't pull over a magic switch to stop this. So I need to listen to myself because deep down I know that this is the best thing to do. Greetings, Henk
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