Whisper Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I went to go register on this forum and discovered I was already registered! Apparently I was on here almost 10 years ago talking about my high school breakup, very crazy. My how things have changed. :-) Please ignore any of my previous posts as a 17 year old heartbroken teenager. On to current life... I have been with my husband for almost 8 years, and we have been married for 2.5 years. He is an amazing person. The nicest guy you'll ever meet and I know he'd do almost anything for me. There is one huge issue that keeps presenting itself in our relationship. He lacks ambition in all aspects of his life. He always has. When we first starting dating we were straight out of high school, so it wasn't unusual for a teenage boy to not be the most motivated/accomplished person. He was going to school and had a full time job, which was more than most 18 year old guys I knew at the time. Fast forward 8 years later and he has completed his degree (and it has been completed for about 2 years now), but still has the SAME job he did when he was 18. He never looks for new jobs relating to his degree. Every single job he has applied to have been ones that I have looked up and emailed to him, and then hounded him to make sure he applies. I have tried doing nothing. He'll go months without looking. There are other areas where his lack of ambition causes issues. He let is permanent residency (green) card expire. He knew when it expired. I reminded him several times in the months before that he needed to start applying for a renewal. It wasn't until his work emailed him saying they were notified that it expired that he renewed it. That's a pretty huge deal. Those two examples are just a small sampling of the many issues he has encountered in his life due to his lack of being able to get things done. I love him to pieces but as we are getting older and thinking about starting a family soon, this is a frightening revelation. We have had countless talks and he always agrees with me and promises to turn things around. Things will improve for a week or so and then he falls right back into the same routine. I don't want to be his mom and lecture him. This doesn't help anything, believe me I have tried going that route. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if there is anything I CAN do. It makes me sad to see all of his friends, who were far less achieving than he was back at 18, pass him by and become these motivated successful people. I see so much potential in my husband that it breaks my heart. Any advice is greatly appreciated. 1
GorillaTheater Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Just as a matter of perspective: I'm a lawyer with a good, cushy gig. But my favorite job I've ever had was driving a truck in the Houston area. To help a little with the perspective in this case, could you share what your H is doing and what his degree is in?
Author Whisper Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 (edited) He currently works as a computer technician. The pay is low and he has only gotten one raise in the entire 8 years he's been there. He hates it and is very tired of it. But it's easy work and he feels comfortable there. It's a very relaxed environment. His degree is in graphic design, which he loves. He has a small, very part time job in graphic design as well that has no potential for growth. He started this about 2 years ago to get his foot in the door and put on his resume. I found the job for him. So, he gets off work at 5, comes home and will often spend an hour or two doing work for his graphic design job. By the time that he is done with that and we've eaten dinner...it's 8 or 9 at night and he's exhausted. The last thing he wants to do in his free time is look for work or do any of the other things around the house/in his life that he needs to get done. I GET that. I see that he works hard. There has just been almost zero growth in his life in the past several years. Really I feel like he's stuck. Edited November 15, 2012 by Whisper
GorillaTheater Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 The fact that he completed his degree, and that he's utilizing it to some limited extent shows that he's not completely without ambition. But I agree, it's strange that he's not working harder to find something in the graphic arts area. Some people are more prone to inertia than others. Any chance of him being brought in on a more regular basis for the outfit he's doing PT work for? 1
Author Whisper Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 The fact that he completed his degree, and that he's utilizing it to some limited extent shows that he's not completely without ambition. But I agree, it's strange that he's not working harder to find something in the graphic arts area. Some people are more prone to inertia than others. Any chance of him being brought in on a more regular basis for the outfit he's doing PT work for? Interestingly enough, he almost didn't get his degree because he procrastinated so long on taking an exam for a course credit. He didn't get it done by the deadline. His graduation was delayed an entire semester because of this. But, yes, he did eventually get it done and graduate. As for the PT gig, it won't ever go full time. In fact, the company he's working for will likely soon go out of business. Most of this life he has been pushed and threatened by his father to get things done. When I was younger I thought his father was mean, but now I totally relate to his father's frustrtation. He claims he simply just doesn't think about these things and that they don't enter his mind as things he needs to get done. First thought this gives me is that these "things" must not matter enough to him. But I know that isn't true. I think he's afraid of failure and rejection.
Balzac Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 So are we talking son of an overachiever? Is your primary concern income to support future children?
Author Whisper Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 So are we talking son of an overachiever? Is your primary concern income to support future children? His father is overly ambitious, yes. He is also an only child so he got it all full force from his dad. While income to support our family is very real concern, it's not all that matters. It's very frustrating for me to see him struggle through things. He'll procrastinate and then get angry when difficulties arise due to his procrastination/pure lack of completing tasks. He has had several big repercussions due to this throughout our time together. With each one I think and hope that this might be what makes him realize he's sick of it.
Balzac Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Consequences rarely fix the type of problem you describe. I'm sure you've considered psychotherapy. This could be a basic problem w authority figures. Difficulty playing w others. It's gotta be frustrating though.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 With each one I think and hope that this might be what makes him realize he's sick of it. It sounds more like you're sick of it as opposed to him. Have you thought about the fact that your version of happiness and success might be different than his? While your expectations certainly seem normal to me, his real desires may extend no further than a job he's comfortable in. Any complaining on his part about his situation might just be window dressing for your benefit. Actions speak louder than words... Mr. Lucky 1
Scarlett5 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Is he happy? That makes a difference. Sounds like he may have low self esteem....could he be feeling a bit depressed? If he's happy, then maybe you just want different things in that area of life. You certainly can't change someone, you'll just make yourself miserable trying and clinging onto false hope. It's more about learning to accept that that's who he is (if it's not depression related), and learning to live with it. Or not. It is frustrating, however, when you can see that someone has great potential and yet they can't. Not an easy one. 1
crude Posted November 17, 2012 Posted November 17, 2012 Women nowadays have careers and sometimes are breadwinners themselves. I wonder what YOU do for a living and if you have lots of ambition. The focus seems to be strictly on him and what he does.
pcplod Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 One or two others have made a very interesting observation that I would agree with. It seems like you are ambitious but seek to obtain that through him, not yourself. Maybe, if you are thinking "family" then a couple-led approach makes sense but to hang all your own hopes and aspiration even on a driven man can be a big mistake if, for example, he walks out the door suddenly one day. And keep pushing and that actually may come to fruition. The old cliché goes "Behind every successful man is an ambitious woman". To which I say "Bollocks!" From the mouths of the inane and intellectually stunted. Otherwise, beware what you might wish for. If he isn't good enough for your ambitions simple separate and make separate plans. It is the only thing that makes sense. He may be the vacillating kind because he fears failure and his idea of failure might be something less than perfection. It can and does happen. On the other hand, being in a job that you really detest merely to achieve your maximum earning potential, especially if you see it as being at the behest of and for the benefit of a chivvying other, can well be a recipe for utter disaster. Know what I mean? To put it crudely the mere thought of it makes my manhood wilt in an instant.
carhill Posted November 18, 2012 Posted November 18, 2012 So, he's the 'nicest guy' you've met in life and he'll 'do anything for me' but he's unambitious in areas of career and finance. How does he feel about marriage? Has he ever articulated that to you, specifically? What does marriage mean to him? You said he's always been like this (unambitious). Do you think he'll change? Is that answer acceptable, or not? Go with that. Given the length of your relationship, even though only married 2.5 years, I'd recommend a few sessions of MC to gauge his willingness to communicate on matters elemental to your marriage. It's a partnership. Work it together. Good luck.
Decisiontomake Posted November 19, 2012 Posted November 19, 2012 Hi there OP - I hear ya on the non-ambitious husband material! I have the same thing with mine. I have actually found (through IC and discussions with friends), that it comes down to respect, or lack thereof, that I feel for him due to his contentment level being so much lower than mine. He's a self-professed plodder in life - happy with his lot and not particularly in a hurry to change it. I'm a "go get it" type of gal and find his lack of that frustrating. My husband too is the nicest guy, but this has really driven a wedget between us over the years. My IC recently told me to address the job situation with him - as clearly as I could - regarding how it is about the respect I want to feel for him rather than whatever job it is - I want to see him passionate about something rather than just sitting in a job to pay the bills. As a caveat to all this, I do sometimes wonder though why I find it such a problem - he is a great guy at everything else and I've let this drive a problem between us (in my mind much more than his), to the point it (and other things) have made me recently question wanting to stay in the marriage. I don't know whether I'm helping, or rambling! But just wanted to let you know I get it.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 He's a self-professed plodder in life - happy with his lot and not particularly in a hurry to change it. I'm a "go get it" type of gal and find his lack of that frustrating. So you want him to be something he's not in order to satisfy something you need? I can't help but wonder what your reaction would be if he came to you with a similar demand. Reminds me of the old saying that "men marry women hoping they won't change; women marry men hoping they will"... Mr. Lucky 1
pink_sugar Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 Well, look on the bright side...he's had continuous employment. Is his job not paying him enough? My husband has been either out of work or working for minimum wage for the most of the last 5-6 years and now we have no idea how we're going to pay rent next month because he's used up all his savings. He applies to jobs and he's getting his degree soon and I only hope then he will be able to hold down a stable job. You cannot change people and if what you want is a motivated husband, you probably should look elsewhere as trying to change someone will only cause resentment.
lucy_in_disguise Posted November 22, 2012 Posted November 22, 2012 Any chance he's got a touch of ADHD? He sounds like me before I got medicated. The drugs have completely turned my life around.
TiredFamilyGuy Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 (edited) I think that being ambitious on his behalf so to speak, is very tricky to do. It can be like a pushy parent, and so will actually create resentment, actually rob him of any confidence and initiative, and so be counterproductive. I feel, this may unfortunately be how it seems to him. OP, you have told him in effect that his efforts are insufficient and therefore he will feel you do not appreciate him. Perhaps you don't: what are your ambitions, other than the ones you want to realise through changing your husband? You are concentrating on whether it is possible to improve his situation, and what practical steps can be done to achieve that goal, without first really addressing the issue, of whether he wants that at all. If you want to help him, it must be on his terms, not yours, and be what he thinks of as help, not you. You two need to communicate: to have the "Your needs of him" talk but also the "His needs of you" talk: sounds like you might not be aware of those. A "go-getter" and a "plodder" may complement each other: but not if one tries to convert the other one. I wish you good luck. You sound like you want to sort this out somehow, and he sounds like a nice guy. Edited November 26, 2012 by TiredFamilyGuy
Ninja'sHusband Posted November 26, 2012 Posted November 26, 2012 I never really resented my ex-wife for her lack of ambition, I just became the main wage earner. I used to work with a guy who quit his job to be a stay at home Dad while his wife worked. They do pretty well with that setup. His daughter is 10 now and he works part time. His wife still makes the bulk of the income. So what about you? You are the one you can control. How's your career going?
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