Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Why be honest if this is the payment? So after 8 months I have been dumped. I lied so perhaps I deserve it, but who can say. I never told her that I smoked for 9 years, I never said anything because the first night that I met her, was our first date, and I quit that very night, because I was excited about her. I felt that if she didn't know it wouldn't hurt her. So I stopped immediately after 9 years. She also found out that I had a female friend who I had slept with once, before she and I had met. I didn't tell her that, but I had slept with the friend the night before my first date... I only had the one-night-stand because I was drunk... so, why ever tell the truth? I am not trying to put this relationship back together, I just don't know how honesty in all things, regarding my past etcetera, is ever going to help me, or be a plus in my corner with the ladies. I feel that lying is not something I should do, but that when it comes to life before you meet somebody you really adore, what do you win by being totally open? You are who you are in that moment, and everything that comes before, well, why be anything other than vague about it? The truth is ugly, so why act like it is nothing to hide from? If I had never told her about those things from my past, she would never have known, furthermore, the past was nice and dead there in the past, meaning, I was fine never smoking or talking to this other girl again. I feel now, that the real lesson here in this breakup is that I should have kept my mouth shut... "loose lips sink ships." Isn't there some truth to not revealing everything right off with people... or is this a lesson that I will keep on learning until I have lost everyone that means anything to me? She won't ever take me back, but she still wants to be friends... it has been about 3 weeks since she threw me out... we kissed a few days ago... I am trying to not contact her at all, she is doing the same. I want her back more than anything, right now the tough thing is trying to not think about her. I am guessing that if I shut my mouth and let her go and be happy, that I can either get her back down the road, or move on. Hot&cold her until I have moved on or she is coming back my way.
curiouslyhuman Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I can totally understand why you think these are the roots of your said breakup, but from the few lines of text, I doubt that its the cause. Whats troubling about your post isnt necessarily the breakup ( which sucks like hell) but the false realization that the truth shouldnt be the forefront of how you present yourself. 1stly, im not sure why you quit smoking or what you were smoking but that is irrelevant. It sounds like you did it because you wanted to show her something that you are not. If you quit anything, you do it for yourself, and no one else. 2nd, the girl you slept with before her was precisely that, before her. It should have no impact whatsoever with the relationship you built with her because it was previous to the start, and if she cant accept that, then she isnt accepting you. To me it sounds more like a lack of confidence. You shouldnt be ashamed of what you did or why you did anything in your past and someone who truly wants to be with you needs to be with the person who you have become and want to be for yourself, not for anyone else. I encourage you to disregard the reasons you have stated for the cause of your breakup and if they are indeed the true causes... then who wants to be with someone who wont let you be yourself? And being yourself is the greatest gift you can give to the world around you, because there is only one you. Honesty will serve you best when you meet the person of your dreams, and she will love you for you. Dont make the mistake of changing yourself for others. 1
Chi townD Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Well, personally, if she's going to toss you aside from the things in your PAST, .i.e. BEFORE you two were together. Well, that's her hang up and not yours. You may not be proud of your past, but you should have to apologize for something that didn't involve her at all. So, if she's going to act this way, I say you dodged a bullet. If you were farther along in your relationship, a break up would probably hurt a hellva lot more.
flitzanu Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 sounds to me like she's giving you false excuses. perhaps she just doesn't want to be with you, and doesn't know how to say that, so she's making up wild excuses and reasons from the past that have nothing to do with her. 1
Author Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Yeah, her excuses are all bull****. I'm not too worried about it though, leastways not today. I figure that I treated one of my earliest girlfriends in a similar way, the way that this present ex is treating me now, so perhaps I am aware of her 'excuses' from that experience, eg, I recognize what is going on. I tend to think that most women do not let go of one branch without grabbing onto another and there were also a lot of outside factors to consider, but to which I wont refer. My conundrum now, is this: do I all out ignore her, or allow her to forge some form of friendship with me. The ball is in my court.
flitzanu Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Yeah, her excuses are all bull****. I'm not too worried about it though, leastways not today. I figure that I treated one of my earliest girlfriends in a similar way, the way that this present ex is treating me now, so perhaps I am aware of her 'excuses' from that experience, eg, I recognize what is going on. I tend to think that most women do not let go of one branch without grabbing onto another and there were also a lot of outside factors to consider, but to which I wont refer. My conundrum now, is this: do I all out ignore her, or allow her to forge some form of friendship with me. The ball is in my court. why bother being friends with her? she just dumped you. 1
Author Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 I'm guessing that she regrets her choice. Not that it matters, but she was kissing me recently. That tells me she isn't sure about the whole break up business and is at least DTF for a FWB deal. I wouldn't turn that down.
flitzanu Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I'm guessing that she regrets her choice. Not that it matters, but she was kissing me recently. That tells me she isn't sure about the whole break up business and is at least DTF for a FWB deal. I wouldn't turn that down. and being FWB would mean you'd never heal, and you'd start presuming that things mean more than they do. sex does not equal emotion/relationship. you'll be dragging out this breakup much longer.
Author Redbirdinabrightsky Posted November 17, 2012 Author Posted November 17, 2012 and being FWB would mean you'd never heal, and you'd start presuming that things mean more than they do. sex does not equal emotion/relationship. you'll be dragging out this breakup much longer. I'm fine with dragging it out much much longer, and ok if it is just for fun. Do not care. I've been through similar situations in the past, when I did not know what I was getting into when it came to ex-sex/FWB. This time around I can drag the fight out a lot longer, and it is worth my time. I wouldn't be assuming anything, and you are right sex is sex. Nevertheless, "healing" means nothing to me. Healing would be putting it all back together or moving on to the next woman, who will be better than this woman, and I wouldn't be putting my heart into it until she caved, which could ****ing happen or could not, but it is worth it to see.
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