jjc82 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 So here's my long, sad story. I was with my girlfriend for 8 years. We had talked about marriage throughout the relationship but the two of us were never on the same page at the same time. At one point I wanted it and she didn't, another she wanted it and I didn't. At some point during the summer, I started to feel I was turning 30 and had spent almost all of my 20s with the same girl. I felt I needed a break and had to be single again. Even then, I knew I was making a huge mistake. My other mistake was talking to friends about it before ever talking to her. I started to act cold and distant. One night after a long day of work, she wrenched it out of me. I told her I didn't think I loved her anymore. She took it oddly well, saying okay, getting out of bed, and going to sleep in the next room. We didn't see each other the following day, and the day after that, a Saturday, we did some talking but I left to go do work to avoid the situation. She called me hysterical, asking where I was and why I was doing this to her. I rushed home and we talked. I said I still wasn't sure whether I loved her but we can give it another try. A few weeks went by and nothing changed. We went to a friend's wedding and I said some stupid things. Someone inquired about our marriage possibility, and I said something along the lines of, "well whether it's with her or someone else..." That night she said that it's over. We argued and talked and argued the next few days. She didn't understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. I'd just sit there with a blank expression on my face watching her cry. I left for my mother's for a week. That Wednesday, she sent me a text about the cat. That's when it hit me. She could actually leave. I could lose the relationship I worked so hard for so many years to maintain. I texted her back saying I think I made a mistake. When I got back, we argued some more. I still didn't have answers for her questions. It's not that I didn't want to give them, I just didn't have any. That Sunday, she asked me if we could walk around the city one last time as boyfriend and girlfriend. We did, and slept together that night. The next two weeks we spent more in love than we had for years, talking, laughing, having amazing sex - even though she was making plans to move out and breaking down nightly. I asked her every day not to leave. Then, she was gone. I saw her the following Wednesday at an event. I went up to embrace her and she said "I'm not going to hug you." I said okay and walked away. At the end of the event, she came up to me, apologized, and asked how I was doing. We said a few things and went our separate ways. A week after that, I dropped a few things off at her new place. We didn't say much. I went home and began to panic. I texted her and asked that she please don't sleep with anyone else. She laid into me. I don't even really remember what about - I deleted that conversation from my phone - but I'm sure it was about how I devastated her and made her feel like ****. I called her the next night and begged her to come back. It was more of the same, but more along the lines of "why should I?" I began to cry and hung up the phone. That Saturday, I called her up and asked her out to dinner. She agreed. I had a difficult time meeting her, telling her how horrible I felt and how much I missed her. We ended the dinner and went back to her place. We talked and I admitted my mistakes, telling her the reasons I did what I did was because I was unhappy with myself and used the relationship as a target. I told her how horrible I felt for hurting her and how I wanted her back. We slept together that night. We went to brunch the following morning and talked about where we stand, but never really agreed on anything. I called her the following Wednesday and we talked. I asked her out again for Saturday and she agreed. It wasn't too long before the conversation got weepy and I began to beg and plead again. She said she wasn't sure and needed time. I set up a wonderful evening for us on Saturday. Fancy dinner, a ghost tour around our city, and carving pumpkins in the park. We went back to the house we shared before she left and slept together again. We spent most of the following day together, taking a bath and having sex again. I brought up the prospect of us getting back together and she said she still needed time. She said that she felt she lost herself in our relationship. Not because of anything I did. But because she sidetracked her own wants and desires - similar to how I used the relationship as an excuse for my own unhappiness. She felt she lost track of her goals, was unable to make friends of her own, and became a boring person. We went out again the following Thursday for drinks, and again the conversation turned to us. I fully admitted everything I did wrong and how I was going to make sure it never happened again. We sat and cried together on the steps of a church, but nothing changed in her response to me. I knew she was going to travel that weekend to visit an old ex. I desperately didn't want her to end up sleeping with him. A few more late night texts and drunken phone calls followed. This angered her as nothing changed in how she was feeling and she felt I was just pressuring her. I knew that she was planning to travel again that weekend to see another guy she had met while we were apart. Again, I didn't want her to sleep with him. She explained that she felt she needed to explore things she was unable to while we were together, things she hasn't for a long time. The Sunday she came back from seeing the second guy, she called me. After we talked for a while, she started to say how much she missed me. I told her I had to go but can I call her Wednesday. She texted me that Tuesday and said can we meet up instead. We went to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and had a romantic time. We laughed, held hands, and kissed. When we were leaving it began to snow. I told her how magical the night had been and we stood in the middle of traffic and kissed. I was driving her back and she asked me to take my time. I asked when I could see her again and she said Saturday. We went out this past Saturday, and again, another amazing evening. Dinner, a carriage ride around the city, and then we splurged on a fancy hotel room. We took a bath and slept together multiple times. She admitted she slept with both her ex and the other guy - but I was okay with it. She said she wanted me to sleep with someone else as well. Sunday morning we went out to brunch and held hands and smiled the whole time. When I mentioned a miserable looking couple sitting next to us, she said "maybe they're saying 'let's never look as in love as they are.'" Last night I called her and expected a good conversation. She seemed caught off guard and removed. The conversation only lasted about 15 minutes. She said we could go out Friday night. After that, I started to initiate having a girl come over, and while she was on her way, I stopped it. I called my ex up and told her I couldn't go through with it. She didn't understand why I called her and said that while it means something that I'm so committed, she couldn't respond in the same way because she has yet to do the work she feels she needs to do. She said while she loves me and cares for me, she doesn't know if we'll be together in the end. She's still hurt and angry at having lost everything. No matter what I say, she takes it and finds a way to turn it negative. If I tell her how strong she was for keeping her family together, she'll say she watched her mother be passive for years and doesn't want to do the same. If I tell her how comforting she is and how that's a special ability she has, she'll say that I just miss being comforted and don't miss HER. She thinks there's nothing about her that I really love and miss, I just miss being with someone. She thinks herself boring and hollow, that there's nothing to love. And that's where I am. Another sleepless night and the majority of a pack of cigarettes later. Sitting in my office not doing work and typing out this novel. I don't know how to proceed. I don't know whether to go away and just leave her be. I don't know whether to keep seeing her and having these great dates and showing her what a new life with me would be like. I don't understand how we can act so in love when we're together, but when we're apart she doesn't seem to want me as a part of her life. Sorry for the length of this post. I just had to get it all out.
coffeebean201 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Have you tried meeting groups of new people, like meet-up.com? Without the pressure of it being a date? Maybe the situation needs to be opened up for you to get the clarity you were seeking at the beginning of this process. And make sure you aren't just taking work problems out on her. Doesn't sounds like you are, but good to eliminate that as a source of the trouble. The "unknown" of the situation sounds like it is bugging you and that may be contributing to the bouts of insomnia. ???? Hugs ..... nice to see an honest guy who is trying to figure it out.
Author jjc82 Posted November 16, 2012 Author Posted November 16, 2012 coffeebean, I did join match.com but only went out on one date. Funny thing is, the ex called me right as soon as I got back and said she missed me. I can definitely see my work having been a contributing factor during the initial break up. I work very long hours - 14 a day minimum - and had been working them for about 5 months straight. Not an excuse, but definitely could have altered my thinking at the time. The unknown of it is definitely what's keeping me up at night. I decided at one point today to throw in the towel. I was sick of letting this affect my work and ability to function. I had an appointment with my counselor after work and she suggested a hybrid approach. Basically bring things down, see if she comes up to my level, and if not, let it go. Thank you for your reply. I appreciate you commenting on my honesty. Hopefully one day someone worthwhile will as well.
Recommended Posts