Desesitized because of Affair?!

[ComingInHot]

uuuugh!

I just read another thread where the MM cheated on his wife, the MOW dumped him, and he is FEELING beyrayal, lust, heartbreak, abandonment etc... all the emotions that a person should feel. Yet when it comes to his own Wife, he is like yea, I Know she is more hurt but...... BUT WHAT?!?!!

Why in the H.E. $.$. Isn't he FEELING the agonizing, gut-wrenching pain that is FAR worse than his own?!?

I know he SEES it but he has very little compassion for his OWN WIFE!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!

And his MOW has a new A partner already. I just can't wrap my head around any of it.

 

I may not understand why someone feels the way they do BUT when they hurt, I FEEL that hurt. When they rejoice, I celebrate with them. Strangers, aquaintences, close friends, family, Everyone!

When I am the cause of someone's pain, it is crushing to me.

Again, I just don't understand how this can be.

[Decorative]

uuuugh!

I just read another thread where the MM cheated on his wife, the MOW dumped him, and he is FEELING beyrayal, lust, heartbreak, abandonment etc... all the emotions that a person should feel. Yet when it comes to his own Wife, he is like yea, I Know she is more hurt but...... BUT WHAT?!?!!

Why in the H.E. $.$. Isn't he FEELING the agonizing, gut-wrenching pain that is FAR worse than his own?!?

I know he SEES it but he has very little compassion for his OWN WIFE!!! Aaaahhhhhh!!!!

And his MOW has a new A partner already. I just can't wrap my head around any of it.

 

I may not understand why someone feels the way they do BUT when they hurt, I FEEL that hurt. When they rejoice, I celebrate with them. Strangers, aquaintences, close friends, family, Everyone!

When I am the cause of someone's pain, it is crushing to me.

Again, I just don't understand how this can be.

 

Listen to me, and believe me:

 

This? Is a wonderful, amazing quality in you. That ability.

 

But it's also painful at times, because it feels so natural to you, and it's part of your fiber and being in a way that is hard to understand when you see it lacking in others.

 

I have spent way too much time in my life upset and crying and wondering how on earth people can act the way they can.

 

Finally I realized that I cannot expect everyone to view the world with the same level of compassion and empathy. And that people have different journeys along the way. And that I had find a way to take a step back, and stop being so deeply surprised when I saw people do unkind things.

 

And I learned that even though my first instinct is to want to help or fix- that's not really possible. But I can live my life without regret, and know that I have tried to acoid harming others with every action I take.

 

Some people will learn that lesson eventually, and some won't. And the best thing you can do is to separate yourself from people who just don't get it. And don't try to figure out why that is.

[ComingInHot]

Decorative;

Thank you. I do get so jacked up about this. I have always looked at it as my one ( o.k. maybe not "one"...) weakness. I don't think I have ever looked at it like a strength.

Can I tell you how exhausting it is to constantly be shocked by the knowing harm one causes another w/out it being warranted?!

I am going to try to do what you suggested.

Again, thanks for understanding my angst...

 

Coco;

Still not getting you and I don't think it is any fault of your explanation. I guess I'll just never understand why any individual would engage in Any activity that would hurt another no matter how pleasurable at the time.*

[2sure]

ComingInHot...as it goes, I have found that more people than you would think justify their own actions when they hurt other people. They justify and make excuses to suit whatever it is they want.

 

See what they want to see, hear what they want to hear. And they have to don't they? I am fed up to here with people saying...I know it's wrong but, I can't help it, I can't stop myself. Seriously? Seriously?

 

Why on earth not , for example , say ...I know it hurts my wife when I cheat, but I don't really care that much. Or...Im banging this married guy and I don't give a flying f about his family.

 

I mean...that's what's happening, but it's being said in some perverse code : I know , don't judge, I can't stay away from him....I love my husband but he puts in Long hours at the coal mine...or .he is a saint and his wife will eat the children if he leaves.

 

Bang whoever you want, be ok with or don't , but call it. Geez.

[ComingInHot]

TwoSure;

 

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!! Exactly, exactly...

 

There is another thread and the title is, "What is the right thing to do?" And I just kept thinking... DUH!!! It's not brain surgery or choosing which wire to cut to difuse a bomb...

[2sure]

I love the name ComngInHot....it's a race horse name isn't it? If I had a race horse name it would be RoadHardPutAwayWet.

 

Anyway, I'm sure you asked your spouse, your kids, or yourself on occasion ..How could you do That??! And the answer is sometimes I don't know.

Maybe it's true sometimes because they don't know Yet.

[Furious]

ComingInHot...as it goes, I have found that more people than you would think justify their own actions when they hurt other people. They justify and make excuses to suit whatever it is they want.

 

See what they want to see, hear what they want to hear. And they have to don't they? I am fed up to here with people saying...I know it's wrong but, I can't help it, I can't stop myself. Seriously? Seriously?

 

Why on earth not , for example , say ...I know it hurts my wife when I cheat, but I don't really care that much. Or...Im banging this married guy and I don't give a flying f about his family.

 

I mean...that's what's happening, but it's being said in some perverse code : I know , don't judge, I can't stay away from him....I love my husband but he puts in Long hours at the coal mine...or .he is a saint and his wife will eat the

children if he leaves.

 

Bang whoever you want, be ok with or don't , but call it. Geez.

 

 

Empathy is not for everyone. Sometimes, it's a smash and grab world.

 

Everyone at some point in their lives make mistakes, or hurt others, and for some they grow from it, and some just don't give a damn as long as they get what they want.

 

I guess...it is what is.

 

And no...I'm not a blue haired church lady:laugh:

[ComingInHot]

I always seem to be coming in hot to most situations and may not appear to always be in control of my speed or passion and maybe not always graceful yet I always seem to land on my feet**

[beenburned]

Furious,

 

 

Please describe your looks as I need to have a different visual other than the blue haired church lady!

[ComingInHot]

Ahahahaha!!!

That is SO FUNNY! I'm so Not what you think. But I guess my posts would lead to that.

 

Let's see... five foot four ( in the morning*), long, wavy brunette hair, slim and in good health w/curves in the right places (depending on manufacturer) anywhere from a size six to eight, bout onetwentyeight give or take and blue eyes that I've been told light up a room. I'm in my thirties...

 

Church marm would be no but I do believe in the Word.

I have made my share of mistakes (& probably used up some of your share of mistakes for you*).

I have hurt others on purpose and learned to never do it again (on purpose) and tried to make amends w/them

I have hurt others w/out realizing it and Still try to make it right.

 

At the end of the day or my life I know that I will have very few regrets because I Love my fellow human and try to always think of them when living my life so that I don't cause harm of any kind.

 

BUT I also have NO PROBLEM pointing a gun at someone who is going to harm me or those I love (ie; kill) look them in the eye and say they picked the wrong house and Woman to F with...

[Snowflower]

ComingInHot...as it goes, I have found that more people than you would think justify their own actions when they hurt other people. They justify and make excuses to suit whatever it is they want.

 

See what they want to see, hear what they want to hear. And they have to don't they? I am fed up to here with people saying...I know it's wrong but, I can't help it, I can't stop myself. Seriously? Seriously?

 

Why on earth not , for example , say ...I know it hurts my wife when I cheat, but I don't really care that much. Or...Im banging this married guy and I don't give a flying f about his family.

 

I mean...that's what's happening, but it's being said in some perverse code : I know , don't judge, I can't stay away from him....I love my husband but he puts in Long hours at the coal mine...or .he is a saint and his wife will eat the children if he leaves.

 

Bang whoever you want, be ok with or don't , but call it. Geez.

 

Is there a "love" button instead merely a "like" one for this awesome post? :love:

[ComingInHot]

As I sit here w/a full belly (Happy Thanks Giving all), I was just thinking about desensitivity as a defense mechanism, either for OW/OM or WS. I mean you would have to knowing what you're doing engaging in an A while either spending the day w/family & friends or being left high & dry wishing you were w/the person you're sleeping w/knowing they are giving thanks w/their Family. This is my second Thanks Giving w/a honest husband who is truly grateful to be w/his whole family he adores!!*

[seren]

I often wonder if depersonalisation enables people to not see the BS or even the OW/OM as a person, the BS who doesn't do (insert whatever) for the poor WS and no wonder he cheats. Or the WS who is able to compartmentalise the needs of the OW/OM and works so hard to keep both parts of his life apart to prevent his BS finding out. How this can be viewed as a desirable relationship is outside my understanding.

 

Maybe this is why some AP say they wouldn't hurt a friend or family member by having an A, because they are real, they have personalities that are known. Maybe we all do it simply because we don't want to look too closely at the consequences of our actions. far easier for the AP to believe the WS has a crap marriage, and that it is the 'fault' of the BS, or for the BS to think the AP was the pursuer and the WS was lured into an A.

 

I had a conversation (well a number of them) with the OW after D Day and she said at one point how sorry she was and that I was a really nice person, hmm, no **** Sherlock! I became a person and not 'his wife' with much the same wants, needs, likes, loves and everything. My advice to her was, if your life is so crap you need to keep having A's to stay married, leave, change things, do something, but if after D Day you feel so crap at what you helped to happen, learn from it.

 

I try to live by the do not knowingly harm others just to make myself happier or feel better, I too don't understand the continually, knowingly hurting someone. Like most of us, I have had so many opportunities to slip out of my day to day life and have an A, had I chose to, when single and really attracted to a MM, I told him to go home, try to fix your marriage and yes, explained that I might seem exciting, a challenge and all that, but I hadn't got 4 young children, sent him home to go woo his wife, even though I would have welcomed a relationship with him had he been single. I couldn't do it knowing I would be part of a secret that would hurt her and his family, nor could I share someone or excuse my behaviour to myself. I was 19 at the time and am glad for all those hours spent in a Unitarian/Quaker family that taught me self responsibility and do no harm.

[waterwoman]

I wish I could desensitise myself. Saw OW yesterday and ended up feeling sorry for her

[Spark1111]

Desensitize, depersonalize, denial...are all coping mechanisms when you know on some level your actions are either beneath you and may be hurting others.

 

I just wanted someone to own their actions like an adult.

 

Tell me you loved him, or tell me you loved the perks of being with him. But to demonize me, to avoid my calls, to speak to me with complete contempt 2 years after DDay shouts YOU still don't own your choices.....It's still everyone elses's fault and you will NEVER own your actions.

 

And how sad must that life be? And how lonely and vulnerable to always perceive yourself the victim?

 

It's not even worth the head space, I swear.

 

In therapy: Stable women do NOT have affairs with MM.

 

Do NOT forget that CIH.

[Decorative]

Desensitize, depersonalize, denial...are all coping mechanisms when you know on some level your actions are either beneath you and may be hurting others.

 

I just wanted someone to own their actions like an adult.

 

Tell me you loved him, or tell me you loved the perks of being with him. But to demonize me, to avoid my calls, to speak to me with complete contempt 2 years after DDay shouts YOU still don't own your choices.....It's still everyone elses's fault and you will NEVER own your actions.

 

And how sad must that life be? And how lonely and vulnerable to always perceive yourself the victim?

 

It's not even worth the head space, I swear.

 

In therapy: Stable women do NOT have affairs with MM.

 

Do NOT forget that CIH.

 

I agree. Completely. Healthy grownups don't consider affairs a viable choice- from either the spousal side or an unmarried partner side. They just don't.

 

My spouse's AP actually "cheated" on my spouse with yet another married man. Healthy people don't do that. And my spouse ? Wasn't remotely healthy for his choices to conduct an affair, either. Messed.up.

[ComingInHot]

Water;

I know how you feel. I've been there. But guess what? I'm over that now. Just like Spark wrote, some NEVER own their choices and lie to themselves everyday about being the victim.

I never enjoy being the victim. Even when I am! I want to be the hero, the good guy/person, the "go to" where others can get understanding & support.

 

So, like Decorative & many others, we are here to promote truth, honesty & integrity & support. Then, if possible, encourage other OW who are feeling the harm they are inflicting on others, to regain the clear head & heart they have sacrificed for their A to get back on the right road again.** ( anyone hear the choir singing in the background of this monologue?)