Commitment Issues

[Irish81]

I've been dating this women for over 7 months and she still won't commit fully to me. We both are in our early 30's and she has a kid. Her kid loves me and we both get along great as a couple. But she has all kinds of personal issues going on in her life that have been an ongoing distraction. She says we are exclusive but then says she is not my girlfriend. I know she is going through a lot and I'm trying to be understanding. Lately she seems eve more withdrawn than usual. The calls, the texts, the romance and the sex have decreased lately. She then made the cryptic comment that she's worried that her son is very attached to me...huh? Isn't that a good thing? The only thing I can take from that is that she might not see me in her long term future. I know this doesn't look good (that's the reason why I'm on this site) I love her very much and I'm not sure what my next move should be...is this a rough patch or the begining of the end?

[Ninjainpajamas]

She definitely sounds like she is apprehensive about this relationship, and IMO doesn't see a long-term commitment out of it naturally. However since you've kind of been her safety net and companionship, she may try and force it to make it work as she likely has the same fears of being lonely and alone. That's what most people do in the end unless she really gets up the courage, pushes you away enough and tells you she isn't willing to progress anymore...that usually comes with a definitive emotional decision...maybe you're the right guy on paper but she doesn't have those emotions for you, and maybe she's worried about opening up emotionally to a man anyway.

 

So again, It's not a good sign at all when a woman pulls away, it means that she doesn't have all her walls down with you and doesn't want to open up emotionally to that level for (insert many reasons here) but has already subconsciously made a decision not to...she probably just went with it when this first started, however I'm sure she has her share or regrettable things in her past, especially as a single mother and probably still wrapped up into an ex or other guy she fell for, which is another reason why she'd shut you out.

 

You need to realize that you can try and be supportive and understanding, all of that...but if she doesn't have the motivation, emotions, the will, the capability to put some energy into this "non-relationship" then you're just going to get pushed farther and farther away until it just crumbles away...it's easier sometimes for some people to just let that happen rather than let someone go, plus most people just don't want to let go even when they know the truth, they need that finality and that ultimate and clear conclusion they need to see, hear and feel for themselves.

 

You need to communicate with her about this and make yourself a priority, regardless of what she is going through, because you're either worth it or you are not...maybe she needs some time to herself to work through her issues before she can let someone in right now, because she doesn't seem capable of giving a relationship...and you shouldn't have to put your emotions on the backburner because in the end you're just likely to be burned because what did you expect in return? nothing...but some big cash in is supposedly going to take place at the end of all this? doesn't work that way.

 

You'll be more likely to be spit up and chewed out because she figures that she can't do this anymore in the end, the more you let her neglect you the more she will yet that disconnect doesn't bring relationships closer it pushes them farther, so she would need you in the thick of battle with her, because she's likely to be going through crap for a while.

 

Tell her how you feel, the separation, the neglect, etc...bring up the relationship that you want, what you want to give, what you expect from her etc...she has to make that decision for herself...but because of your lack of demands of her, and the way you let her be with you and put you on the back burner is another reason she'd let you go...you're not being the kind of guy she wants, you're just trying to be the kind of guy she needs, and it's probably because you're not that guy.

 

If you love her, let her go and see what decisions she makes on her own. Her personal issues are her own and will likely be there for the rest of her life, so if this is what you want then realize this is what you're going to get, don't think you can fix her.

 

You may not agree with all of this, but this is my opinion.

[newmoon]

She definitely sounds like she is apprehensive about this relationship, and IMO doesn't see a long-term commitment out of it naturally. However since you've kind of been her safety net and companionship, she may try and force it to make it work as she likely has the same fears of being lonely and alone. That's what most people do in the end unless she really gets up the courage, pushes you away enough and tells you she isn't willing to progress anymore...that usually comes with a definitive emotional decision...maybe you're the right guy on paper but she doesn't have those emotions for you, and maybe she's worried about opening up emotionally to a man anyway.

 

So again, It's not a good sign at all when a woman pulls away, it means that she doesn't have all her walls down with you and doesn't want to open up emotionally to that level for (insert many reasons here) but has already subconsciously made a decision not to...she probably just went with it when this first started, however I'm sure she has her share or regrettable things in her past, especially as a single mother and probably still wrapped up into an ex or other guy she fell for, which is another reason why she'd shut you out.

 

You need to realize that you can try and be supportive and understanding, all of that...but if she doesn't have the motivation, emotions, the will, the capability to put some energy into this "non-relationship" then you're just going to get pushed farther and farther away until it just crumbles away...it's easier sometimes for some people to just let that happen rather than let someone go, plus most people just don't want to let go even when they know the truth, they need that finality and that ultimate and clear conclusion they need to see, hear and feel for themselves.

 

You need to communicate with her about this and make yourself a priority, regardless of what she is going through, because you're either worth it or you are not...maybe she needs some time to herself to work through her issues before she can let someone in right now, because she doesn't seem capable of giving a relationship...and you shouldn't have to put your emotions on the backburner because in the end you're just likely to be burned because what did you expect in return? nothing...but some big cash in is supposedly going to take place at the end of all this? doesn't work that way.

 

You'll be more likely to be spit up and chewed out because she figures that she can't do this anymore in the end, the more you let her neglect you the more she will yet that disconnect doesn't bring relationships closer it pushes them farther, so she would need you in the thick of battle with her, because she's likely to be going through crap for a while.

 

Tell her how you feel, the separation, the neglect, etc...bring up the relationship that you want, what you want to give, what you expect from her etc...she has to make that decision for herself...but because of your lack of demands of her, and the way you let her be with you and put you on the back burner is another reason she'd let you go...you're not being the kind of guy she wants, you're just trying to be the kind of guy she needs, and it's probably because you're not that guy.

 

If you love her, let her go and see what decisions she makes on her own. Her personal issues are her own and will likely be there for the rest of her life, so if this is what you want then realize this is what you're going to get, don't think you can fix her.

 

You may not agree with all of this, but this is my opinion.

 

 

no one else really needs to reply... this is a super solid answer :-)