Very depressed.

[brighterthansunshine]

I'm currently (or I thought I was) in a LDR. We were only in this position temporarily, as I was supposed to move in with him later this year. Our relationship was always nearly perfect. Even though we have a lot of miles between us, we never considered that an issue and loved each other so much. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time.

 

Suddenly, things began to change. His stress from work increased, a few bad things happened in both of our lives, and because of this we didn't talk as much. Initially I reacted to this in an extremely negative way. I'd lash out at him when he didn't call me or when he was short. Then I think this caused him to neglect me more, which made me lash out more. It was a vicious cycle.

 

Last week, he told me that with the way things have been, we needed to stop showing so much attention toward one another until we both are less busy and closer to the other. He said that he was afraid that if we kept going the way we were, that it would hurt our relationship. I'm understanding of this and even agree with it to an extent.

 

But that was the last time I've heard from him. One week ago. I haven't received any phone calls. No text messages. I'm to the point where I'm worried about him, but I don't want to approach him because I'm afraid it may push him away more. Is this normal, to go this long without talking to the person you supposedly love? I'm so depressed and I need advice on what I should be doing at this point. I feel so lost.

 

Thank you for reading.

[ana0pera]

Hey Brighterthansunshine,

 

Sorry that you're going through a rough patch. It actually sounds very similar to what I was going through with my boyfriend over the summer. We would talk about once a week, which was dramatically different from what we were used to (3-4 times a week I would say). I think this is normal if you're both busy, and if you're walking on eggshells with each other it might be a good idea to not be at each other's throat all the time, trying to make time to talk with one another when you're too stressed to devote attention to one another (again, i speak from experience).

 

You said you haven't received any phone calls or texts. Well, have you tried texting or calling him? If you have and he hasn't responded, I would be worried. But if you haven't then be proactive and send him a message or pick up the phone. Just tell him you've been thinking about him and miss him and hope he's doing well. That's all you need to say, really.

 

I worry about you feeling depressed because you haven't heard from him in a week. One thing a lot of couples in LDR struggle with is maintaining hobbies outside of the LDR, because it is easy to let in consume you. I think you might benefit from hanging out with people around you more and doing other things you love, so that you're not constantly thinking about why he isn't calling you etc. Keeping busy in this way will keep you healthy, happy, and sane, and not put more burden on your relationship. I hope this helps!

[brighterthansunshine]

Hey Brighterthansunshine,

 

Sorry that you're going through a rough patch. It actually sounds very similar to what I was going through with my boyfriend over the summer. We would talk about once a week, which was dramatically different from what we were used to (3-4 times a week I would say). I think this is normal if you're both busy, and if you're walking on eggshells with each other it might be a good idea to not be at each other's throat all the time, trying to make time to talk with one another when you're too stressed to devote attention to one another (again, i speak from experience).

 

You said you haven't received any phone calls or texts. Well, have you tried texting or calling him? If you have and he hasn't responded, I would be worried. But if you haven't then be proactive and send him a message or pick up the phone. Just tell him you've been thinking about him and miss him and hope he's doing well. That's all you need to say, really.

 

I worry about you feeling depressed because you haven't heard from him in a week. One thing a lot of couples in LDR struggle with is maintaining hobbies outside of the LDR, because it is easy to let in consume you. I think you might benefit from hanging out with people around you more and doing other things you love, so that you're not constantly thinking about why he isn't calling you etc. Keeping busy in this way will keep you healthy, happy, and sane, and not put more burden on your relationship. I hope this helps!

 

 

Thanks for your response. I texted him on Thursday night, after he had texted me and received no response from that. Then I texted him again on Sunday and once on Monday, as well, with no response. Which doesn't seem so unusual, as when I texted him that past Monday night (he had to go phoneless for a few days - military) to tell him I'd miss him, he never replied to that either but then texted me that Thursday evening.

 

I feel as if I have so much to say, and I really want to work things out, but he won't even acknowledge my existence. He's never done this before, and we used to talk multiple times/day.

 

When we talked about our relationship last Monday, he told me that by taking a "break", it didn't mean that we couldn't talk at all, but that our talking would be limited. But I am still in complete shock that it's been this long and I haven't heard from him.

 

I feel like maybe he's in a place in his life where he's questioning whether or not we could have a stable relationship. I'll admit... far too many times I gave him hell for the simplest of things instead of being supportive. But I still don't feel as if this is justifiable in regards to ignoring someone for a week.

 

I would LOVE to text him right now, just to tell him I hope he's okay, but I am so afraid to. I feel like I shouldn't.

[brighterthansunshine]

Hey Brighterthansunshine,

 

Sorry that you're going through a rough patch. It actually sounds very similar to what I was going through with my boyfriend over the summer. We would talk about once a week, which was dramatically different from what we were used to (3-4 times a week I would say). I think this is normal if you're both busy, and if you're walking on eggshells with each other it might be a good idea to not be at each other's throat all the time, trying to make time to talk with one another when you're too stressed to devote attention to one another (again, i speak from experience).

 

You said you haven't received any phone calls or texts. Well, have you tried texting or calling him? If you have and he hasn't responded, I would be worried. But if you haven't then be proactive and send him a message or pick up the phone. Just tell him you've been thinking about him and miss him and hope he's doing well. That's all you need to say, really.

 

I worry about you feeling depressed because you haven't heard from him in a week. One thing a lot of couples in LDR struggle with is maintaining hobbies outside of the LDR, because it is easy to let in consume you. I think you might benefit from hanging out with people around you more and doing other things you love, so that you're not constantly thinking about why he isn't calling you etc. Keeping busy in this way will keep you healthy, happy, and sane, and not put more burden on your relationship. I hope this helps!

 

Also, just wanted to comment on the "keeping busy" concept.

 

I've been trying my best to stay busy. You are so right about the "maintaining hobbies outside of the LDR" theory. I made him the absolute center of my life. Of course I have my separate life also, but I always tended to make every conversation we had the highlight of my day.

 

And now that I don't have that, life just seems a bit different. A huge part of me seems like it's missing, and let me tell you, it's one of the worst feelings in the world!

 

It always seems like I'm fine, and I feel as if I'm strong and could control these emotions. Then all of a sudden I "relapse", as I'll think about him or reminisce on the past and I'll go into depression mode. It really is tough to shake it.

[ana0pera]

Ok, I understand better now. So the last time you heard from him was Thursday, and he's in the military so sometimes he has to go phoneless? I wouldn't worry about it too much (MUCH easier said than done, I know )but I think it's a-ok to text him and let him know that you miss him and would like to talk. Just be kind so you don't push him away/scare him. Although, my boyfriend did a similar disappearing act over the summer at the height of our problems, and after I had texted him 3-4 times over a week with no response from him, I finally texted something along the lines of, "I don't know why you're ignoring me, but it's hurting and confusing" he immediately texted back that he was sorry for ignoring me and had been busy with his family emergency. I wouldn't recommend my tactic, but it did work.

 

I know for a fact that boys will read messages and not respond to them right away, which is annoying as hell. When you guys get a chance to talk, you should establish some "rules" as to how often you should expect to hear from each other while you're taking a small break, that way everything is out in the open and you aren't sitting around waiting for his call, email, etc. It will help you reclaim your social life outside of the LDR too, by having such boundaries.

 

I agree with you, keeping busy is soooo hard!! I met my guy around the same time I moved to a new state so while I was trying to form a life here, I was also getting to know him. I invested more time in him and didn't really grow close to anyone here. In many ways he became my world. When I think about him, I try to associate good things with those memories, such as how we'll see each other again soon, and how much fun we had when we were last together. I think keeping yourself busy, and having set time with him to look forward to (a set daily/weekly chat via skype/phone, a schedule visit, etc) does wonders for your mind, and dont put too much stock in text messaging because some guys are just horrible with it (girls too)!!

 

Good luck!!

[brighterthansunshine]

Ok, I understand better now. So the last time you heard from him was Thursday, and he's in the military so sometimes he has to go phoneless? I wouldn't worry about it too much (MUCH easier said than done, I know )but I think it's a-ok to text him and let him know that you miss him and would like to talk. Just be kind so you don't push him away/scare him. Although, my boyfriend did a similar disappearing act over the summer at the height of our problems, and after I had texted him 3-4 times over a week with no response from him, I finally texted something along the lines of, "I don't know why you're ignoring me, but it's hurting and confusing" he immediately texted back that he was sorry for ignoring me and had been busy with his family emergency. I wouldn't recommend my tactic, but it did work.

 

I know for a fact that boys will read messages and not respond to them right away, which is annoying as hell. When you guys get a chance to talk, you should establish some "rules" as to how often you should expect to hear from each other while you're taking a small break, that way everything is out in the open and you aren't sitting around waiting for his call, email, etc. It will help you reclaim your social life outside of the LDR too, by having such boundaries.

 

I agree with you, keeping busy is soooo hard!! I met my guy around the same time I moved to a new state so while I was trying to form a life here, I was also getting to know him. I invested more time in him and didn't really grow close to anyone here. In many ways he became my world. When I think about him, I try to associate good things with those memories, such as how we'll see each other again soon, and how much fun we had when we were last together. I think keeping yourself busy, and having set time with him to look forward to (a set daily/weekly chat via skype/phone, a schedule visit, etc) does wonders for your mind, and dont put too much stock in text messaging because some guys are just horrible with it (girls too)!!

 

Good luck!!

 

Once again, thanks.

 

I texted him this morning, and let him know that I hope he is safe. It's completely up to him as to whether or not he feels like responding to this.

 

I would be more worried if everything was fine and then all of a sudden I stopped hearing from him. Things in our relationship weren't going well anyway. He went from talking to me constantly to failing to text me in the morning or call me daily, and when I asked him about this before he said it was because of my freaking out and he didn't know how to deal with it. So maybe he's just at a point in his life where he's reevaluating the relationship, and maybe he feels as if giving me space will solve all the issues.

 

Last week, he left for some school out of state and he told me that he'd be really busy when he was in this school, so perhaps he is just caught up with all of this along with all of the emotional turmoil going on. Sometimes, people tend to isolate themselves from others when they have a lot of stress to deal with in their own lives. I'm personally not like this, but I have a feeling he may be.

 

So I think for right now, I'm going to give him his space. I said what I needed to say, so I think that giving it time may be my best option here. He knows my number, and if he truly cares he'll eventually talk to me, right?