This guy just threw me for a loop..can't figure it out

[JuneBug79]

Hi, this is my first post and I really want some feedback, so I'm going to give lots of info. First of all I'm in the middle of a divorce that is somewhat messy but not bad. I'm over the soon to be ex for sure. No kids and my own apartment. The guy in question is divorced with a child he pretty much has when he is off work, and he works nights (with lots of days off) while I work weekdays.

 

So a little over two weeks ago I met a guy on POF. Normally I would be very hesitant to meet, however we have similar jobs and actually knew a few of the same people. Through text we really really seemed to hit it off, and texted a lot always eluding to meeting. One night he was at the store and asked me if I needed anything and I responded to get me something pretty, and joked with him that he just wanted a reason to come meet me. Due to mutual friends we even added each other on FB.

 

Eventually we did set up a date to meet. He came and picked me up, was a perfect gentleman opening doors, paying for everything. He gave compliments such as "You're very easy to look at" etc. He walked me to my door that night and gave me a kiss goodnight that turned into a long kiss and eventually turned into me sleeping with him, (give me a break, it had been a long time in my loveless marriage) which I'm not sure he expected (but who would say no). I was really concerned that I wouldn't hear from him again, but the next day he texted as usual.

 

Date two came 5 days later when I had the day off work. He came and picked me up and we went to lunch. When he arrived he brought me a bag of candy that was a joke from our texts and something pretty, a mirror (because of the pretty reflection) OMG... that was ridiculous and melted me. We had a nice lunch and talked about all kinds of stuff from what we were looking for one day to sports. We came back to my place, ended up having sex again and cuddled for about 3 hours talking about past relationship and his child/parenting etc.

 

The next few days I still got texts but not as many. and 5 days later after he dropped off his son he texted and asked if I wanted company. I had been thinking about him so I said yes and he came and hung out, which of course led to more sex and about 3 hours of cuddling and talking again before I had to go to sleep because I worked the next day.

 

Everytime he left I felt all glowy. He did all the sweet stuff, opened doors, kissed my hand when he left etc. I guess maybe it was too good to be true. The day after the last time I saw him I texted him in the morning telling him I had a bad dream and he responded when he woke up asking about it. I told him that I dreamt we were in a serious relationship and he told me he couldn't see me anymore because he was cheating on me... only I made it seem more comical when I wrote it and even ended with a comment about not talking about cheating before bed because I didn't like the thought of not seeing him again.

 

and boom... haven't heard from him since. Did I go to far telling him that dream? It was JUST a dream... not the truth! it's been 2 days since then. I haven't hounded him... I did send one text this morning just saying "GM, Hope you are ok, and having a great day. That is all" ... no response....

 

Everything was so nice and perfect, and I just don't know what to think. He had said several times he really liked me. We are supposed to be hanging out tomorrow night possibly but I'm thinking that is not going to happen now. I find the lack of response of communication over the last couple days actually quite rude honestly. It's been a long time since I've dated but I cant recall a time that the communication just stopped like this when I dated before I was married. (granted that was 9 years ago)

 

Is this normal... should I move on or am I jumping the gun?

[ja123]

Just give him some space and see what happens.

 

Sounds like you are rushing into things, though.

[JuneBug79]

I know... the problem is this guy was making it hard not to want too. LOL Why all the sweet talk/gentleman/romantic gestures if you are not interested in that. It's very misleading.

 

I'm giving him space now, but honestly, not answering my text this morning is making me feel like maybe it's not worth keeping him around if he does come around again. Not sure my heart is up for him disappearing over and over again.

[ja123]

It's too early to say whether he'll keep disappearing again, if he comes back. You don't have enough information yet.

 

It sounds like he was rattled by your dream, but only he could tell you why.

 

Then again, we don't know why he hasn't contacted you yet, there could be a number of reasons.

 

Try not to jump to extremes in your thinking: whether it be "wow, this is a relationship" or "it's completely over."

 

You'll just have to sit back and wait for him to contact you.

[KatZee]

1. You met on POF. I shouldn't have to say any more about this point.

 

2. You slept with him the first day you met him. Excuses aside, that's not a truly great first impression, but not surprising since you were both browsing POF.

 

3. Ater knowing him a week? You're already making "jokes" about "Haha! We were serious and then you cheated on me!" Pump the brakes there. Dream or not, know when to just keep things to yourself.

 

You met up with a guy who wanted a piece. He got it. He's moved to the next. Nothing surprising here.

[Ghisop]

That text about your dream may have freaked him out a bit. I bet he thought it wasn't really a dream, but an excuse to talk about your relationship without making it to serious - not that that was what you were trying to do - just probably what he thought. I'm sure he will be back, I would just work on playing it a little cool because it probably seemed like you were getting serious fast. Don't be mad when you hear from him- just cool and calm about everything. Sounds like he is a nice guy and you don't want to scare him off. The not text would drive me insane though!!!

[KatZee]

I know... the problem is this guy was making it hard not to want too. LOL Why all the sweet talk/gentleman/romantic gestures if you are not interested in that. It's very misleading.

 

Come on. You've been married. This isn't your first rodeo. (I hope).

 

Guy's that want some free a.ss will say/do anything and will be anything you want them to be. You didn't know this guy from a hole in the wall. You knew him a week and you put your trust and heart out there? Why? Why would you blindly trust someone you don't even know? Fall for the sweet talk... hook, line, and sinker.

 

I truly hope you're not looking for anything serious on POF either. It's not exactly a ... reputable dating site.

[SJC2008]

The message was odd but wouldn't have been enough to make me personally go cold like that. Mabye the r word scared him and he thinks your invested and feels pressure?? Don't contact him again at ALL. Hopefully he calls/texts back when he realizes you'll walk away, which will undo and clingy vibe he got from you (if that's what it is). If he doesn't call back just forget about it and look at it as getting some much needed sex out if your system and try to take it slowe with the next guy.

[JuneBug79]

Thank you for your bluntness Katzee... I am new to this dating thing again. Can you suggest a better site to meet on then POF? or is internet dating just not the way to go? No it's not my first rodeo but I've also been married for 9 years since i was in my early 20's so, actually, yes the dating thing is pretty new again.

 

Honestly, I think I was ok with this guy because he is the roommate of one of my coworkers, and we have several mutual friends. I even talked to one of them who said he was a really genuinely nice guy and they got all excited that we might be dating. I guess I probably should have included all that.

 

In any case I do appreciate your bluntness and yes I know I shouldn't have given it up on the first date. I will try to be cool with it Ghisop... I was teetering on just ignoring him and being over it or just playing it cool.

 

Aside from retelling the dream Im not so sure I'm the one that came on strong about jumping into a relationship as I never said a word about it, not even once. HE on the other hand made several comments about getting married again one day etc... I never even talked about that... or tried to make any plans.

Edited November 15, 2012 by JuneBug79

[Ghisop]

Just To give you some insight on online dating- I have had no luck. I was married for 8 years and divorced now for 3. I never had much luck. It was was fun because i was feeling like I didn't know how to get back out there, and had lot of dates, but often the guys would disappear- especially this one that I thought went really well. I was on match at that time. The problem I think is online dating is almost like shopping, try something on then don't buy it. I wouldn't put much stock in it, but I think it's an excellent way to get yourself back into the world and help get rid of that divorce feeling - I wish you the best of luck!!

[Imajerk17]

I'm not going to blast you for "giving it up" so soon, but after 3 such intense dates it's hard to jump back to "getting to know each other". I'm thinking the guy got spooked out and is pulling away--quite possible even if *he* was the one pushing the pace of the relationship along.

[JuneBug79]

Just To give you some insight on online dating- I have had no luck. I was married for 8 years and divorced now for 3. I never had much luck. It was was fun because i was feeling like I didn't know how to get back out there, and had lot of dates, but often the guys would disappear- especially this one that I thought went really well. I was on match at that time. The problem I think is online dating is almost like shopping, try something on then don't buy it. I wouldn't put much stock in it, but I think it's an excellent way to get yourself back into the world and help get rid of that divorce feeling - I wish you the best of luck!!

 

Thank you so much. Yes, the divorce feeling has got to take a hike! LOL I have only really responded to like 3 of the men that have written me out of about 100 on POF... and this guy was the only one I even considered meeting because of the connections. I totally see your view on internet dating and I actually hid my profile prior to tonight because I was just tired of getting stupid messages from people I'm not remotely attracted too. I think I'm going to stick to the real world dating and see what happens.

[JuneBug79]

I'm not going to blast you for "giving it up" so soon, but after 3 such intense dates it's hard to jump back to "getting to know each other". I'm thinking the guy got spooked out and is pulling away--quite possible even if *he* was the one pushing the pace of the relationship along.

 

Thank you for not blasting me... as someone said above: If nothing else I got some much needed "physical contact" out of my system. I can definitely see how the getting to know each other thing would be hard to go back too now and I appreciate you pointing that out.

 

wow... the divorce was MY choice for multiple reasons, but I gotta tell you. Going back to dating is SERIOUSLY scary stuff LOL!

[mesmerized]

Thank you for not blasting me... as someone said above: If nothing else I got some much needed "physical contact" out of my system. I can definitely see how the getting to know each other thing would be hard to go back too now and I appreciate you pointing that out.

 

wow... the divorce was MY choice for multiple reasons, but I gotta tell you. Going back to dating is SERIOUSLY scary stuff LOL!

 

It sure is.

 

I think your text was a bit too much...you came off as clingy and as someone with too many expectations. I would not text him again if I were you.

[Ghisop]

It totally sucks! I wanted the divorce too- but then in quickly learned that being single sucks. Don't get me wrong - divorce was the right decision and I don't regret it at all, but learning all the dating rules again is awful. I can tell you that i have had two serious boyfriends since my divorce and working on a new relationship, all of the relationships i have had have taught me something. There are some nights i think I may die alone surrounded by 100 cats, but for the most part dating has been fun and if nothing else, I have funny stories to tell my friends. The best advice I can give is to take things slow. I rushed a lot alot because I was so used to having that comfort of a relationship that came with marriage, and I spent time with some men I probably never would have. Now I am finally looking for more substance - and it's starting to fall into place. Try to take you next few dates more as a way to get out there. Take some time to decode what you really want. You are divorced so you know some of the things you don't want, now focus on finding what you do want And take your time doing it - be selfish for awhile!

[jcrew11]

I told him that I dreamt we were in a serious relationship and he told me he couldn't see me anymore because he was cheating on me... only I made it seem more comical when I wrote it and even ended with a comment about not talking about cheating before bed because I didn't like the thought of not seeing him again.

 

HOLY COW! You just served him a load of CRAZY TALK.

 

He's not calling you back because he thinks you are Crazy and Mentally Unstable.

 

He thinks you are turning into "Fatal Attraction Stalker" - "Don't Cheat on me or I will cook your bunny"

 

You basically said "We are in a serious relationship and should get married right now."

 

You told him you are a woman who "always thinks her boyfriend is cheating and will make up stories, and create fights out of nothing, and complain about cheating whether he is or not."

 

You told him you have "anxiety issues" based on dreams and nothingness.

[KraftDinner]

Oh, people will say 'give him his space' because you're supposed to respect his needs...but what about your need to spend time with someone who isn't rude enough to stop talking to you without warning? What about your need to be with someone with common courtesy and a sense of humour?

 

Write him off.

[JuneBug79]

HOLY COW! You just served him a load of CRAZY TALK.

 

He's not calling you back because he thinks you are Crazy and Mentally Unstable.

 

He thinks you are turning into "Fatal Attraction Stalker" - "Don't Cheat on me or I will cook your bunny"

 

You basically said "We are in a serious relationship and should get married right now."

 

You told him you are a woman who "always thinks her boyfriend is cheating and will make up stories, and create fights out of nothing, and complain about cheating whether he is or not."

 

You told him you have "anxiety issues" based on dreams and nothingness.

 

hahahah too funny... yeah he may have seen it that way. especcially if he is someone that takes dreams seriously huh, which I do not. I mean... I've had dreams where I was getting it on with someone I wouldn't NEVER touch in real life... if thats not disgusting IDK what is!

 

To add a little more.....The night before we were actually talking about how my husband cheated on me and his wife on him... what I actually wrote was "I dreamt that you said you didn't want to see me anymore. I guess we were in a serious relationship in the dream and you were cheating on me. LOL! Geez. No more talk about cheaters before I go to sleep ever because I didn't like the thought of not seeing you again!" Or something very close to that.

 

I guess I wasn't thinking at all... I was definitely NOT trying to open the door to the conversation about a relationship. sigh... oh well... I officially hate texting.

 

 

and Kraft... thats exactly why I was on the fence. Now I just don't know. It may not matter anyway... it seems me being to open with what happened in my dream may have killed that anyway. Lesson LEARNED!

Edited November 15, 2012 by JuneBug79

[mortensorchid]

You met him on POF and slept with him the day you met him? Sorry hon, you've just been hustled. That's what POF is all about. It's in the experience box and now you know better. Move on.

[Tara247]

You met him on POF and slept with him the day you met him? Sorry hon, you've just been hustled. That's what POF is all about. It's in the experience box and now you know better. Move on.

 

I'm sorry, June, but I agree with this. Then you mentioned "relationship" on top of everything else and he now feels it's best to make his exit now. He is a scumbag. You were used for sex. On that first night that he dropped you off, the night he slept with you, if he wasn't after sex, he wouldn't have continued on with the tongue-kissing. He would have given you a nice kiss, then walked away.

 

He has stopped calling. He's a rude pig. Move on and chalk this one up to experience. And you can't sleep with guys on first dates, they lose respect for you.

[Taramere]

The day after the last time I saw him I texted him in the morning telling him I had a bad dream and he responded when he woke up asking about it. I told him that I dreamt we were in a serious relationship and he told me he couldn't see me anymore because he was cheating on me... only I made it seem more comical when I wrote it and even ended with a comment about not talking about cheating before bed because I didn't like the thought of not seeing him again.

 

and boom... haven't heard from him since. Did I go to far telling him that dream? It was JUST a dream... not the truth!

 

Yeah, I think you should have kept that dream to yourself. It's obviously an insecurity dream, which is understandable in the aftermath of a marriage break-up...but it's not something that you need to raise with somebody you've just met. Something like that is bound to be a buzz-killer.

 

He might well call again, and if he does I'd refrain from saying anything about that dream unless he asks...and if he does, well I tend to think it's best just to be honest but brief when it comes to things like that. "Yes, I was being a bit insecure there - sorry." While I applaud honesty and open communication, by telling him about that dream you were effectively saying "I am insecure and I don't know if I can trust you" to somebody you've just met. That's bound to be perceived as negative and offputting.

 

Of course you don't just leap into implicitly trusting somebody you've just met - so there's not really a need to let them know you're not certain if you can trust them. The emphasis, I think, is better to be on building up trust than to drawing too much attention to it not being there yet. Unless the guy starts demanding your trust from the outset (which doesn't seem to have happened here) or deliberately trying to create anxiety and mistrust as part of game playing in which case you're generally better off walking.

 

I think if I'd just met a man and he told me that he'd dreamt about me cheating on me, warning bells would be ringing. I'd be wanting to back off too. Most people probably want the initial dating spell to be a fun and positive experience rather than something in which the kind of problems that can emerge in long term relationships are made into the focus at an early stage. However, it can be difficult to create that fun vibe if you're hurting over a bad break up....and it sounds as though that's where you're at just now.

 

I wouldn't necessarily be overly critical of this guy's behaviour in not contacting you again. Best to just accept that maybe you provided a little too much info when you relayed the details of that dream, learn the lesson and resolve to go onwards and upwards.

[jcrew11]

Do YOU actually want to see this guy again?

 

You've known each other for a few weeks, are you monogamous/exclusive, or are you just dating casually and getting to know each other better?

 

Women tend to get attached quicker than men, especially after having sex.

 

Since you are both coming off a divorce, he may not want to commit exclusively to one person so soon. He might want to have a new girlfriend every 2 months.

 

You basically told him you were a "Stage 5 clinger" and getting completely attached to him. He's not ready to have a 'relationship monogamy talk' yet. He probably has other girlfriends on POF.

 

If you really want to see him again, I would just "Apologize profusely for Rushing into Monogamy" and keeping things casual. I think he'll still be scared of you, but he might be willing to see you 1 or 2 more times before breaking up with you completely.

[KatZee]

Thank you for your bluntness Katzee... I am new to this dating thing again. Can you suggest a better site to meet on then POF? or is internet dating just not the way to go? No it's not my first rodeo but I've also been married for 9 years since i was in my early 20's so, actually, yes the dating thing is pretty new again.

 

Honestly, I think I was ok with this guy because he is the roommate of one of my coworkers, and we have several mutual friends. I even talked to one of them who said he was a really genuinely nice guy and they got all excited that we might be dating. I guess I probably should have included all that.

 

In any case I do appreciate your bluntness and yes I know I shouldn't have given it up on the first date. I will try to be cool with it Ghisop... I was teetering on just ignoring him and being over it or just playing it cool.

 

Aside from retelling the dream Im not so sure I'm the one that came on strong about jumping into a relationship as I never said a word about it, not even once. HE on the other hand made several comments about getting married again one day etc... I never even talked about that... or tried to make any plans.

 

Oh hell... I personally think all OLD websites are a mess. I truly believe that they are full of rebounders, people with issues, or people looking to get a quick piece.

 

They're also full of a lot of scammers. There's TONS of articles about this online. In the past i've looked at sites such as eHarmony... I figured that if it cost a fee, there would be a larger number of quality people... wrong. Scammers are all over eHarmony like flies on s.hit.

 

The reputation of POF is pretty terrible. That's the site you want to be on if you're looking for some quick sex. The percentage of people on there looking for something LEGIT is extremely low.

 

I think OLD is also a bit forced. I think the best way you're going to find someone is if you get out there, meet people through friends, join some new clubs/groups (Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup) is a GREAT site to meet people in your area. That's a great way to expand your circle, meet new people and stumble into a new love interest through mutual interests.

 

If I were to advocate for any site, it would be meetup.com. Not a dating site.

[spiderowl]

Sorry but he sounds like a player. He knew the romantic gestures would go down well. He sounds pretty experienced at that. Stopping talking suddenly like that is extremely rude. It's also what some players do. His attitude towards you in that respect speaks volumes.

 

Don't blame yourself - blame the guy for being a sociopath. That's what players are. They have no empathy and are very manipulative. Their goal is to conquer and invade and keep everything under their control. The last gesture is to withdraw from contact because that is the ultimate form of control - they decide to end it not you.

 

Sorry you met one of these creeps. I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. You mentioned a dream. A guy who cared about you would have been interested and discussed it. He would have got in contact again and wouldn't have hurt you like this. Personally, I would like a place where one could publicise these guys' names as they are a menace.

[jcrew11]

hahahah too funny... yeah he may have seen it that way. especcially if he is someone that takes dreams seriously huh, which I do not. I mean... I've had dreams where I was getting it on with someone I wouldn't NEVER touch in real life... if thats not disgusting IDK what is!

 

Its funny how all the women are calling this guy a "scumbag" but if he didn't want to "cheat on her" then the best thing to do would be to break up with her. She is clearly getting attached after one week of dating, so why is it the guy's fault, when she is the one rushing into a serious committment? The best thing the Guy can do, is to just give her some space, and time to herself after her divorce. The worse thing he or she wants to do is rush into another relationship just after a divorce. He's not ready for the "relationship" talk so he's avoiding her, because he doesn't want to let her down. Guys don't want to be around girls that play "mindgames" and accuse them of 'cheating' when they are not.

 

She basically indirectly accused him of cheating; and she's implying that she has a lot of jealousy and will create fights if he is talking to other women.

 

PS, if a "dream" sounds crazy and insane; then its going to sound crazy and insane to the person you are telling the story to. Some things are just better not said until you get to know the person better.

 

If you dream your boyfriend is an "axe murderer" and you tell him that, he's going to think you belong in a mental hospital (if he's innocent). The only thing you told him is that you have "bizarre" dreams that imply you have a lose grip of reality.