MsDecember Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 So My story... Yikes! Well I was married for 20 years with children. I loved my XH with all my heart and supported him in all of his endeavors. I stayed behind and took care of the kids, the house and also worked. He was very ambitious and soon his career took off. We were so excited at all of his new adventures. His career soon took him away from the home more and more. Soon enough he was traveling for the better part of the week. I held down the fort and took care of all the kid business. Exhausted and tired and still trugged on. I mean we were a team right? He was so busy working and away from the comforts of home, who was I to complain at working at the crack of dawn and laying down for bed late into the evening. Nevermind taking my lovely children to all of their after school activities and to try and provide a safe and wonderful environment for them. It was pretty alarming to see that XH was home less and less. I would always ask and he would always have a work related event, meeting, conference call, or my favorite networking... ie, hanging at a bar or resturaunt. I trusted him though. More than anyone I knew. He was my best friend. As the year went on, I was lonely, but I shrugged my shoulders and said don't worry, this is temporary. But My intuition wouldn't shut up. I started doing a little investigating.. and found a few things that alarmed me. I asked my XH if he was having an affair and he was stunned I would ask that and said heavens no. I said ok, how silly of me to think that. We discussed spending more time together and everything seemed hunky dory. But it wasn't, and I asked him again a month later and he revealed that he was engaged in an affair. I was devastated to say the least and frankly to this day I still have moments of I can't believe this has happened. XH was kicked out of the house after the affair didn't stop and he put me thru the ringer of counseling and false hopes to buy himself time I guess. He begged to stay and wanted to work it out. I knew he was a lying bastard and I knew I could never live the life of wondering if he was cheating and if he was really where he stated he was. I could never trust him again. So I filed for a divorce and that's another 10 page story in itself. Another rainy day perhaps. But now to present day. He is still in the relationship that broke up the marriage and family. I also know that One day she will know exactly what it feels like to be betrayed. He has cheated on her, and was actively looking for sex, a relationship or something, anything. I don't know if she is aware and frankly as snarky as she is, I think she would look the other way to save face. My kids and I are surviviors. We are all doing so much better. My kids are happy, well adjusted and growing up before my very eyes. I am not doing as great as I present myself to the world. I still cry, I still reflect and I still wish none of this ever happened. I didn't deserve the pain he and she put me thru. I have ions of stories of lies he told me, lies he Still tells me. He is not a good person, he isn't a faithful parent and he never puts anyone before himself. He is a lover of only himself. Selfish and disgusting, but thankfully no longer my problem. Anyone have any words of cheer to turn my frown upside down! 1
Furious Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 MsDecember It's all crap...the lies, the denials, and the false reconciliation he put you through. But you have strength, and when you realized he was a lost cause, you had the courage to move on without him. You're strong, even though you still feel a tremendous amount of hurt, you are strong. In the end what have you really lost, you still have your lovely children, your family and friend's, the only difference is you now don't have a lying cheating husband. It's his loss not your's. You now have the opportunity to someday find a man worthy of you. (((((hugs))))) 5
turnera Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Yeah. Congratulate yourself at getting out of it soon enough that you still have time to enjoy your life. 2
Author MsDecember Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Thank you!! I am a work in progress. Good days~bad days. I am glad to be here and I have crazy stories and mad investigating tools!!! The amount of time that XH kept me in a place of hope and still did little things for me that had me so very hopeful was about 7 months. I wish that if he was uncertain about the affair or me that he would have taken a timeout from both, which he never did. I don't think he could ever get clarity. It's his loss for sure. 1
Spark1111 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Ms Dec...rejection, betrayal, lies, all hurt like hell. If we loved our spouse, we take it personally because that is what sensitive, caring, in love, self-sacrificing people do. And that can be a death-sentence of pain. Keep reading. There are so many wonderful sites and literature that deal with infidelity and its aftermath. If you are up for psyche journals, read the TYPE of people who usually seek affairs. You may be amazed that it had little to do with you, and more to do with what may be missing and character-flawed within him. Is he a narcissist? Does he need an endless supply of attention and ego-validation from strangers? Does he lie continuously to all to keep them in his control? Does he grow enraged if he even perceives criticism? Many a man who needs to climb the corporate ladder at the expense of his marriage and family is an ego-driven narcissist. It is NEVER enough attention. Daddy or Mommy issues? Someone not love him enough? Too much? And they tend to charm the kind, self-sacrifing to their lives; a king and his adoring subjects. You need to focus on you! Get out, make friends, hit the gym, take a class, wear stilettos and a new lipstick. Don't let this person define who you are OR are not. YOU do that. 4
FelicityShot Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 MsDecember It's all crap...the lies, the denials, and the false reconciliation he put you through. But you have strength, and when you realized he was a lost cause, you had the courage to move on without him. You're strong, even though you still feel a tremendous amount of hurt, you are strong. In the end what have you really lost, you still have your lovely children, your family and friend's, the only difference is you now don't have a lying cheating husband. It's his loss not your's. You now have the opportunity to someday find a man worthy of you. (((((hugs))))) Does everyone have the right to a man worthy of them? And what about all the people who don't ever get that? And I am interested in what 'a man worthy of you' means.
Furious Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Does everyone have the right to a man worthy of them? And what about all the people who don't ever get that? And I am interested in what 'a man worthy of you' means. There are many examples of lovely women and lovely men who have genuinely loved someone who took their love for granted or worse trampled on it. Life's not always fair, but to believe that a man or woman who can love and respect the one they love is not worthy of having that love returned, is like admitting that they will settle for less. No has the right to be loved, but when a person values themselves and will not tolerate being mistreated that opens them up to finding someone who appreciates and values them. 4
2sure Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Does everyone have the right to a man worthy of them? And what about all the people who don't ever get that? And I am interested in what 'a man worthy of you' means. just someone who doesn't make one feel like sh*yt. someone who brings out your best. And sure, some people never do find that someone. I might not. But being alone is worth far more than being with someone who isn't worth my breath. 7
Spark1111 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Does everyone have the right to a man worthy of them? And what about all the people who don't ever get that? And I am interested in what 'a man worthy of you' means. It is someone who treats you with the same kindness, trust, acceptance, consideration and respect as you give them. Quid pro quo. That simple. 5
96nole Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 OK this should turn that frown upside down: (just picture the husband in the story is your ex) A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" 5
frozensprouts Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 OP, you sound like a very strong woman, but also a very sensitive one...that's good..don't let your ex-husband's actions change that about you... the power to turn your frown into a smile is within you...it sounds like it always has been...take pleasure in your children, in the world around you and in yourself. Take pride in your ability to stand tall and not let your ex's actions turn you into someone you don't like... it sounds like you have a huge heart and a great capacity to love someone else, and one day, you'll hopefully find a man who will be perfect for you to share your life with... ( are there any great single former betrayed spouses on here who could fit the bill...I know there's more than a few:laugh::laugh::laugh: ....the new Loveshack dating service?:laugh::laugh::laugh:) 2
Author MsDecember Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Be glad he's her problem now!! So thankful for that!!
Author MsDecember Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 OP, you sound like a very strong woman, but also a very sensitive one...that's good..don't let your ex-husband's actions change that about you... the power to turn your frown into a smile is within you...it sounds like it always has been...take pleasure in your children, in the world around you and in yourself. Take pride in your ability to stand tall and not let your ex's actions turn you into someone you don't like... it sounds like you have a huge heart and a great capacity to love someone else, and one day, you'll hopefully find a man who will be perfect for you to share your life with... ( are there any great single former betrayed spouses on here who could fit the bill...I know there's more than a few:laugh::laugh::laugh: ....the new Loveshack dating service?:laugh::laugh::laugh:) I feel so much love.. Awww thanks everyone!! Dating site.. hahahahaha 1
Anoidtoo Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 You have achieved so much with your children.. Dwell not on the past.. it's hard for sure as I'm still going through what my wife has done to me.. We've both lived a fake marriage for the past 20years.. Not good.. until I cam across this forum and was helped to build my courage and challenged her for the truth.. I had already packed my things to leave. We have counseling next week and to be honest, I do not see myself trusting her ever again.. It's over.. The scar is there for life and no reconciliation can fix that.. In most cases people that make up spend their lives trying hard to forget the past, forget what happened.. one can never forget that unless you move on to a new start and hopefully find real love, understanding and harmony with somebody else.. You are strong and you will survive... good luck
Author MsDecember Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 You have achieved so much with your children.. Dwell not on the past.. it's hard for sure as I'm still going through what my wife has done to me.. We've both lived a fake marriage for the past 20years.. Not good.. until I cam across this forum and was helped to build my courage and challenged her for the truth.. I had already packed my things to leave. We have counseling next week and to be honest, I do not see myself trusting her ever again.. It's over.. The scar is there for life and no reconciliation can fix that.. In most cases people that make up spend their lives trying hard to forget the past, forget what happened.. one can never forget that unless you move on to a new start and hopefully find real love, understanding and harmony with somebody else.. You are strong and you will survive... good luck You are strong and you will survive as well. For me the worst was the year after D day where he gave me false hope and spent time with me and our children as a family. He gave ALL of us false hope and I don't know why he did that. It's like he was torn between past and present. It was like he felt he owed her more than he owed me. I know he feared for his career since it was a inter office affair with the girl he once referred as crazy, lazy chick when she started at the company. But with so many years spent with him, basically growing up together, my biggest hurt is was any of it real? Did he ever enjoy life with me? Was family life not as wonderful as I thought it to be? I mourn my past, I mourn the future. I envisioned the grand kids ,in 20 years when we have them, and being grandparents together. Oh well. Dreams die and new ones are formed. We survive cause we have no other choice;). Hugs
meandmyself Posted November 20, 2012 Posted November 20, 2012 So My story... Yikes! Well I was married for 20 years with children. I loved my XH with all my heart and supported him in all of his endeavors. I stayed behind and took care of the kids, the house and also worked. He was very ambitious and soon his career took off. We were so excited at all of his new adventures. His career soon took him away from the home more and more. Soon enough he was traveling for the better part of the week. I held down the fort and took care of all the kid business. Exhausted and tired and still trugged on. I mean we were a team right? He was so busy working and away from the comforts of home, who was I to complain at working at the crack of dawn and laying down for bed late into the evening. Nevermind taking my lovely children to all of their after school activities and to try and provide a safe and wonderful environment for them. It was pretty alarming to see that XH was home less and less. I would always ask and he would always have a work related event, meeting, conference call, or my favorite networking... ie, hanging at a bar or resturaunt. I trusted him though. More than anyone I knew. He was my best friend. As the year went on, I was lonely, but I shrugged my shoulders and said don't worry, this is temporary. But My intuition wouldn't shut up. I started doing a little investigating.. and found a few things that alarmed me. I asked my XH if he was having an affair and he was stunned I would ask that and said heavens no. I said ok, how silly of me to think that. We discussed spending more time together and everything seemed hunky dory. But it wasn't, and I asked him again a month later and he revealed that he was engaged in an affair. I was devastated to say the least and frankly to this day I still have moments of I can't believe this has happened. XH was kicked out of the house after the affair didn't stop and he put me thru the ringer of counseling and false hopes to buy himself time I guess. He begged to stay and wanted to work it out. I knew he was a lying bastard and I knew I could never live the life of wondering if he was cheating and if he was really where he stated he was. I could never trust him again. So I filed for a divorce and that's another 10 page story in itself. Another rainy day perhaps. But now to present day. He is still in the relationship that broke up the marriage and family. I also know that One day she will know exactly what it feels like to be betrayed. He has cheated on her, and was actively looking for sex, a relationship or something, anything. I don't know if she is aware and frankly as snarky as she is, I think she would look the other way to save face. My kids and I are surviviors. We are all doing so much better. My kids are happy, well adjusted and growing up before my very eyes. I am not doing as great as I present myself to the world. I still cry, I still reflect and I still wish none of this ever happened. I didn't deserve the pain he and she put me thru. I have ions of stories of lies he told me, lies he Still tells me. He is not a good person, he isn't a faithful parent and he never puts anyone before himself. He is a lover of only himself. Selfish and disgusting, but thankfully no longer my problem. Anyone have any words of cheer to turn my frown upside down! Just to say I admire you and your strength is inspiring for me! I wish you all the best in your life as you deserve it!
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