plainjane79 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Back in August I met a guy and we began dating. He is almost ten years older than me (I'm in my early 30s, he's in his early 40s.) We dated for about a month, and during this time he pursued me quite a bit. He then went on vacation for 2 weeks and didn't contact me at all. When he got back, he was distant for a few days, then began pursuing me again just like he had in the beginning. This went on for about three weeks. Then, after our last date, he pulled back again. He began contacting me every couple of days, then went silent for a week, then texted me asking me how things were going. The silence again for a week, then once again, texts asking me how things are going. It has been a week since then and I haven't heard from him at all, not a text nor an e-mail. I think I can take a hint that a week of silence is not a good sign, but I'm just curious...can anyone shed any light on why somebody might act this way? I can understand disappearing completely or breaking things off after a few dates...but why would a guy go hot and cold like this? And why these random weeks of silence? Do you think that his age, and our age difference, might have any significance here? What do you think might be going on in his life...?
Balzac Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 When was your last date with him? Were you two sexually intimate?
Author plainjane79 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 When was your last date with him? Were you two sexually intimate? Our last date was almost three weeks ago. And yes, we have had sex a few times, starting before he even left for his vacation.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 What is your definition of "he pursued me"? Texts every day (90% initiated by him), calling a few times a week, asking to see me once or twice a week. Basically making it known that he wanted to see me or talk to me.
FitChick Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 When there is no one else in the picture, he'll date you but if someone new comes on the scene, he dates her. If it doesn't work out, he dates you. 2
mortensorchid Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I agree with FitChick. He's seeing you and one or two other women. When he's not with you, he's with the other. Then he likes to go back and forth between you and the other(s). I assume you are not "going steady", are you? Or did you just think you were?
ascendotum Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 You have said he 'pursued me quite a bit' which is a good sign, but at the same time lots of guys have screwed up coming on too strong or being too available for the woman early on. As you said he is initiating practically every conversation. That gets tiring after a while . I get the impression from your post that you are sitting back and expecting him to totally take the reins on this or waiting for more grand gestures of romance. I know that would be good from your perspective to know this guy is gaga for you, but he could want more from you. You have had sex, that's good from his perspective to know you find him attractive but maybe you are passive when it comes to that too. IDK. He could also be multi-dating (since it sounds like you cant call this a relationship yet) and those weeks he goes quite on you he is focused on someone else, maybe.
carhill Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Yeah, sounds like rotation behavior. I'd probably move on. 1
Ami1uwant Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Texts every day (90% initiated by him), calling a few times a week, asking to see me once or twice a week. Basically making it known that he wanted to see me or talk to me. Coming from a guy.... A common problem is early stage dating then one goes on a work trip or vacation then communication changes. It's the out f sight out of mind. I think he isn't exclusive with you. When he stops talking he is dating someone else then see how it goes then comes back to you. On your part...he could be frustrated with you. If I feel I have to constantly chase her then, initiate converstion, always plan dates then I'm going to chek out of the relationship.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Plainjane. . . .when he was texting you everyday....and then the next day he stops. Have you ever initiated contact on that day or the next day? From your story....it sounds like you just sit there waiting for him to contact you each day. As a guy...if you aren't mature enough to initiate contact on your own....I would have stopped too. Yeah I've definitely contacted him. Less during the first week or two, mostly because he was texting every day and basically beating me to it so to speak. After our first date I was on a business trip and he texted me daily asking what I was up to, which I thought was a little invasive, but I liked him so I was receptive. But I'm pretty sure I sent a text or two even then. I find daily texts to be a little overkill at first; I think a little mystery is key in the very beginning. But as time went on, I definitely started to pick up the slack on days he missed much more. In fact, right before he left for his trip I texted and left him a voice-mail twice in as many days and both times he answered me via extremely delayed text. And since he's been back we've been initiating texts about equally. Our last text interaction was initiated by me, actually, the day after he texted asking how I was doing after the hurricane. It's entirely possible he expected more initiation on my part, but I think I was reasonable, and if he felt differently then he could have either said something to me or moved on completely. I don't think this hot and cold behavior was warranted at all.
natwilliams Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I know why he's doing this. It probably has to do with your behavior. Are you someone shy and hard to read? If so, I can imagine he's just not sure that you're into him. You'd be surprised. Did you miss one text or fb message? That's all it takes to make a guy slow down sometimes, speaking from experience. As a guy.
jcrew11 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Are you 2 exclusive? Have you asked him or confirmed with him that he isn't seeing anyone else? After 4 weeks, you should be able to talk about being exclusive, or keeping things casual. How often do you have sex, go on dinner dates, or make plans. For guys, a relationship is more than just texting and talking everyday. A relationship is about actions and doing things together, and making booty calls.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Are you 2 exclusive? Have you asked him or confirmed with him that he isn't seeing anyone else? After 4 weeks, you should be able to talk about being exclusive, or keeping things casual. How often do you have sex, go on dinner dates, or make plans. For guys, a relationship is more than just texting and talking everyday. A relationship is about actions and doing things together, and making booty calls. We are not exclusive. I generally don't like to ask about that stuff...in my experience, a guy either asks for exclusivity relatively quickly, or doesn't say anything but you can just tell you are exclusive by his actions (in the latter cases I usually ask about two-three months in and the guy will confirm it.) In the first three weeks we were going out once or twice a week, no sex (waited til 5th date for that, and it was at my suggestion that we hang out in his town...he was always happy to come see me where I work, we live and work far apart, long story.) After that, we would alternate...maybe dinner date once or twice a week, sex once a week. Similar pattern when he came back from his trip. It's not so much that I assumed we were exclusive, but in my experience multi-dating is meant to find "the one"...you date a few people for a week or two, you like one more than the others, you break up with the other ones and figure out whether you are long-term compatible with her. Isn't this back and forth multi-dating rotation crap more of an early 20's thing? Are 40 year old men doing this as well? That's super depressing!
snowflakes88 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Isn't this back and forth multi-dating rotation crap more of an early 20's thing? Are 40 year old men doing this as well? That's super depressing! No. People of all ages multi-date. This guy sounds like he returns to you when his other options don't pan out. Sorry to be harsh, but even if he is prone to ultimately "picking one," I doubt it will be you. He wouldn't let weeks lapse between contact if he was genuinely interested. A man who is wouldn't let that much time go by for fear of someone else snapping you up. You'd also have a better shot at interpreting his intentions if you hadn't already thrown sex into the equation. That may be why he returns every now and again, too.
yessy21 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 When there is no one else in the picture, he'll date you but if someone new comes on the scene, he dates her. If it doesn't work out, he dates you. I agree. thats exactly what he is doing. i have done that myself in the past.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 You'd also have a better shot at interpreting his intentions if you hadn't already thrown sex into the equation. That may be why he returns every now and again, too. I disagree with this. When he does come back, and we go out, it's usually for some junior-high-school style stuff...movies, dinner, hand-holding, kissing. I recently asked if he's even interested in me physically anymore since he never asks me back to his place, and he said he wasn't going to "beg." I was like, huh? Since when does inviting me over equate to begging? But it doesn't seem like, for whatever reason, he wants things to remain sexual. However, he still tries to keep things date-like. It's just a very weird scenario. Again, I realize it's very possible he's got other women on the side but if he's not "into me" that way then I don't see why he's even bothering to waste time and money without sex.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 I agree. thats exactly what he is doing. i have done that myself in the past. Why did you do this in the past? What were you hoping to achieve?
Author plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Arg speak of the devil! He just texted me again asking where I've been. We chatted for a bit and then I told him it's about time he takes me out again. He texted back the name of a movie that has recently come out, so I said "Let's do it!" FIN. What a weirdo. Maybe he's looking for a pen pal? :-/
carhill Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Scary version? : He's having sex with someone else. That's what I mean by 'rotation behavior'. In my generation ( a bit older than him), men of this type had a 'black book' of ladies they'd call up for 'romantic interludes' (sex) when it struck their fancy. They used the 'Cheer's effect' (the familiarity and bonding chemicals that sex, especially good sex, elicits) to keep the ladies interested. Very common bachelor and married man behavior, with common meaning SOP for men with that personality and draw. Good luck.
Author plainjane79 Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 Do you still like him? Tough question. I think he's a lot of fun and I'm very attracted to him...but I don't like the shady behavior. I don't multi-date and I'm very honest about my intentions with a guy (positive or negative) so I am particularly sensitive to being toyed with. So it's hard NOT to like him when I enjoy my time with him, and I don't know for sure why he's acting so shady. I just wish he'd come straight out and say "Hey so I'm not really feeling it with you...wanna shag?" At least then I'd be able to see him for what he is and figure out whether I like the REAL him or not. Why do you ask?
snowflakes88 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I disagree with this. When he does come back, and we go out, it's usually for some junior-high-school style stuff...movies, dinner, hand-holding, kissing. I recently asked if he's even interested in me physically anymore since he never asks me back to his place, and he said he wasn't going to "beg." I was like, huh? Since when does inviting me over equate to begging? But it doesn't seem like, for whatever reason, he wants things to remain sexual. However, he still tries to keep things date-like. It's just a very weird scenario. Again, I realize it's very possible he's got other women on the side but if he's not "into me" that way then I don't see why he's even bothering to waste time and money without sex. Please note that I said "may." At any rate, my opinion remains the same. I don't think it's a "very weird scenario" at all. It's quite common. He likes you enough to hang out with you when he doesn't have anything else going on, but obviously not enough to maintain consistent contact/momentum. You don't seem inclined to sever ties despite his flakiness, so this will probably only taper off if and when he finds a woman who knocks his socks off. If you truly want to gauge his level of interest, you should stop engaging in behavior like ASKING him to ask you out.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Tough question. I think he's a lot of fun and I'm very attracted to him...but I don't like the shady behavior. I don't multi-date and I'm very honest about my intentions with a guy (positive or negative) so I am particularly sensitive to being toyed with. So it's hard NOT to like him when I enjoy my time with him, and I don't know for sure why he's acting so shady. I just wish he'd come straight out and say "Hey so I'm not really feeling it with you...wanna shag?" At least then I'd be able to see him for what he is and figure out whether I like the REAL him or not. Why do you ask? I asked because if you do, you might as well broach this subject with him. I mean, where he envisions this relationship leading, if anywhere other than where it is right now. I don't know whether he's acting "shady" or toying with you. Multidating is acceptable to many people, and you haven't had a conversation with him so far to let him know that you aren't one of them (as far as I can tell in this thread). I would say he's acting flaky-ish, if his displays of interest in you are so hot & cold. Anyway, if YOU like him and YOU are interested in having an exclusive relationship and not a hot/cold one, you might as well put it out there. If he agrees with you, THEN his behavior will tell you all you need to know - I mean, whether he is giving you what you need in a relationship. Otherwise, cut him loose.
yessy21 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Why did you do this in the past? What were you hoping to achieve? I had this guy in the sidelines. lets call him Billy. i would date, 'joe' but i when joe wasnt paying attention i would call Billy" and go out on "dates". then id meet mike and i liked mike so i would not call billy, but when things with mike didnt turn out well, i would creep right back to Billy. i was just trying to get laid.
ascendotum Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Again, I realize it's very possible he's got other women on the side but if he's not "into me" that way then I don't see why he's even bothering to waste time and money without sex. Maybe he attracted to you but not head over heels crazy, maybe he likes your fun nature & personality and spending time with you, but he has a low libido. What was the sex like? 1
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