ilovedhim Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Life isn't fair and no matter how much you want to, you will not be the one to even things up so he suffers as much as you do. Excellent quote. Nope we can never even things out. But karma sure does! He says the feeling of hurt will pass, but I feel like I will NEVER be the same. and it hurts too much to know that they will both carry on as if everything was the same. So put everything he ever gave you in a box and fedex it to them with a note saying, i'm sorry i can no longer be in your life. ten years was enough, i need to move on. please don't contact me... isn't that what you wanted to do? do it then. i guarantee it won't change how you feel.
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Excellent quote. Nope we can never even things out. But karma sure does! So put everything he ever gave you in a box and fedex it to them with a note saying, i'm sorry i can no longer be in your life. ten years was enough, i need to move on. please don't contact me... isn't that what you wanted to do? do it then. i guarantee it won't change how you feel. Loved, yes that was one of the scenarios in my brain. i know i'm going around in circles. i wish there was a switch that i can just switch in me. if i can only "get past" it there will be much less turmoil for "everyone" and i keep teeter tottering on the edge.. I'm sorry- everyone reading my posts- i know i sound pretty pathetic and so messed up, and i really feel it too
ThatJustHappened Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 You really need to stop being jealous of their ongoing life together and start living one of your own. He's not moving on with his life to torture you, he's doing it because that's what people do. You need to do the same. Start by finding a therapist. 5
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 How devastated would she need to be for you to feel happy again? How can destroying her make you feel better? He obviously doesn't care about her happiness or yours, for that matter. You can't hurt him. He doesn't care. The person who cares least wins. You could both walk out of his life tomorrow, he'll be fine. Get some help/guidance. If you think bringing misery into another persons life to get over a poor choice of your own is even an option, you have major problems. Why not work through them before you make any decisions? It would be to your advantage, you'll NEVER be happy until you do, and you will always blame that unhappiness on someone else. 1
Tenacity Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I feel for you. I truly do. It wasn't quite ten years for me, but all added up it was close. I thought I was going to die too, but trust me.... it gets better. The pain fades and you start to see things rationally. What has been said to you is true. No matter what happens if you tell her, it won't change the outcome for you. He has chosen her. She will likely stay with him if she finds out (seriously, don't you think that after ten years she at least has some suspicions?) it may even send them into hysterical bonding and marriage repair mode. What it will do for sure is make him do everything in his power to repair things with her. I really don't think you are in any emotional place to deal with his wrath towards you if you tell her now. Right now you need to take care of YOU. I can feel your pain in your posts. I remember it oh, so well. You need to mourn the loss of the R and when you are not twisted in so much grief and turmoil, THEN think about telling her. Some people think it doesn't matter what the reasons are for telling the W... I'm not in that camp. I think ultimately you will end up a lot worse off if you tell her now out of spite and pain and a desire to hurt him. Please, just step back until your emotions have calmed down and you can look at it with a bit more objectivity. THEN tell her if you want - when you are more equipped to deal with any repercussions and subsequent contact with either of them. It has been ten years... and I would bet she suspects. A bit more time won't make a difference, if you are thinking of doing it for her sake (although I don't think you are, and that's okay for now). Why not write a letter or letters to her, and then put them away for now? It might be a good way to at least release the emotions, and you can send the letter later if you choose. Please, you aren't in a place to do this right now. You need to leave them alone and take of YOU. 2
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Heart, I'm a advocate for women knowing the full truth of their life. In most instances I think the bs ought to be told but after reading your posts here and your state of mind, I don't think you ought to at this time. You don't have an ounce of remorse in you, it's all about making your mm pay and you don't realize how much worse your life is going to get if you do this. You aren't accepting any responsibility for these 10 years either, all you are about is making him pay. You can't handle handle the fallout now, I'm afraid you will become completely unglued. Again........do what ever you have to do to get away from your mm, move, find family you can stay with, get away. 10 years has messed up your head and you aren't capable of thinking straight right now. Get yourself into some therapy pronto to help process your pain and get your thinking back to some semblance of normal. You will always have the option later of telling her, but not now. Take care of yourself. Also u guys have said that I have given him all the power- so this would be a start of me taking back his power ...
Tenacity Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Also u guys have said that I have given him all the power- so this would be a start of me taking back his power ... No it wouldn't... it won't change the outcome. The way you take back your power is to move forward and build yourself a happy life on your own.... And then perhaps one day, if you wish, with someone who chooses YOU first.
veryhappy Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 How would you feel if you tell her and she calls you every name possible (you know which), then he goes NC with you or worse you find out how's he's deeply remorseful, calling you the biggest mistake ever, or making you into some crazy woman who pressured him and he couldn't get out of the A? Add to that knowing that what follows is hysterical bonding where they fall in love all over again. If you are okay with that scenario, and want to take on all that drama, you are ready to tell her. Otherwise, it's wiser to wait until your emotions settle. Your emotions won't settle until you establish NC especially with them moving close to your place. You need to get this man out of your mind, and if you tell her the idea that they're happy and reconciled right next to you will torture you even more. Leave them alone with whatever they have, and you do the work yourself. Nobody else will save you, not the BW in any case.
Tara247 Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 i wasn't a 2 month fling, it was 10 years, will they be able to fully reconcile after i show her the pictures and its embedded into her brain? we don't work in the same office, we work in the same building... i know i'm making all sorts of excuses but i really do feel crippled. and i cant believe all he can say is "sorry" and "i still care" I say tell her. She should know, and what have you got to lose? Maybe this will help you move on. Who knows how it will play out. However, I don't see how a woman would stay with a man that had a 10 year affair with his AP. 3
FelicityShot Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 would it make a difference to the BW if the OW told her that the A ended? and that the reason why the confession is because she has a right to know? Could never understand this mentality. It's up to the people involved really, and if you are not... If there is ongoing infidelity and you are a friend, tell a friend of the BS. It's really up to the people in that person's life. I only once told, and it was a best friend, and her partner at the time was sleeping around. I was told by a mutual friend - and I told her. The impetus was that the guy made a pass at me. People know when they have to tell for the sake of the other person - I never told her about the pass though.
seren Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 HBinNY, as an XBS I can say that 10 hours, 10 days, 10 weeks or 10 years, the A is what will hurt, for sure the length of time she was decieved will impact, but, if they are going to reconcile they will. I was sent photos, letters, text messages by the OW, I already knew because H had told me, so just burnt them. I knew there had been an A and that was all I needed to know, I also had a few conversation with the OW when she rang my house looking for closure because H had blocked her calls. I could hear she was hurt and gained nothing by knowing that. I could have blown her world out of the water, but that would have said more about me than her and why would I want to do that because my H had an A? 10 years is such a very long time (obvious I know) and I would imagine and can read your hurt from your posts. I would echo what others have said and concentrate on you, opening the can of worms right now would just add another dimension to your trying to make sense of things, sure it might divert it for a while, there would undoubtedly be a response, but do you need that right now? Grief goes through stages, anger being the first and maybe this is what you are going through right now and want and need to lash out and know he isn't carrying on as usual while you are in bits. Who knows if you telling will hurt the WS or BS, it will hurt you, right now and aren't you hurt enough? I hope you have IRL support and can have time to process how you feel before you act. I think she should know, but would ask if she wanted proof, she may not, it will be enough to know there was an A without rubbing her face in it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Also u guys have said that I have given him all the power- so this would be a start of me taking back his power ... Moving on is how you take your power back. 1
awkward Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I want you take a minute and think about this. Whether his wife leaves him or not, he DID NOT, HAS NOT, and WILL NOT choose you. Knowing that, do you still want to tell his wife? If yes, then tell her. Then move on. He is using your emotional vulnerability against you. He is playing friends with you so you don't blow up his world. My advice is to go to counseling alone. It isn't going to be couples counseling and he needs to get out of your life.
ComingInHot Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Hey Heart; I was mad at both equally (at first) but I thanked her & forgave her right then. I FINALLY got answers as to why she was so disrespectful to me when she was in my company and why my husband had been such a jackhole for over a year. Then the more I thought about it the angrier I got w/my husband.. like seething... Al while thinking that if he did care for her then he Should and that's what I told him. No threats of keeping kids, no threats of taking him to the cleaners, just him moving on w/a life that would not include me. He FREAKED!! Begged to stay etc. Not all A's end the same. I am only giving you my tale but know that the craziness w/which the OW acted left my husband disliking her greatly. 2
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 ^^^^^^^THIS! Off Topic Side Note, IfWishesWereHorses, I LOVE your name..my mom used to say that all the time and it reminds me of her, so thank you for making me smile. Are we sisters?
2sunny Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Also u guys have said that I have given him all the power- so this would be a start of me taking back his power ... Look - you've got this all sideways! It's YOUR power - and you willingly handed it ALL to him! You should be taking it back so YOU can become more balanced! To call and tell the wife out of anger won't make it more balanced. It's just fueling your negative energy train. To move forward will! That means YOU get buy living and becoming a happy gal all on your own! So happy hat you NEVER give him another thought! That you don't care what he's doing/not doing - feeling/not feeling! Just completely neutral - that is the best way! That's when you know you've achieved good balance!
sad puppy Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I think the wife deserves to know, I would tell her. And then move on. Let the dude deal with the fallout. But you have to promise to yourself, that you move on. Forever. You go NC forever.
ThatJustHappened Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Are we sisters? I'm an only child..always wanted a sister though! Sorry for the threadjack..still think OP should leave it alone and go to therapy..
Artie Lang Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 just do it, already. i suggest an anonymous letter with describing the extent of the affair, pics, texts, and whatever other tangible evidence you have. either way, your life will be so much more complicated than it is now. ARE YOU PREPARED FOR THAT?
2sure Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I don't care if it's out of spite or to help the BS, but the fact is that she has a right to know. Tell her. Wouldn't you want to know? agreed. if a woman had called me screaming with rage and spite but confirming my suspicions or giving me a heads up to the facts of my life...I might have hung up , I might have shouted back, but I would have known. And eventually, I would have been glad she called no matter her reason. And eventually I would know we shared similar pain.
2sunny Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I usually agree with revealing the truth to the betrayed spouse too -with as much neutrality and compassion for the betrayed as possible. But NOT when emotions are high and the intent is to cause more harmto the innocent one (the betrayed). To throw salt on the wound she (this OW) helped create is a terrible plan. 2
frozensprouts Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 OP, like i said to you before...you were in her place once, what would you have wanted? how would you have felt towards your ex'es other woman had she informed you about the affair? i'm still of a mind that you should tell her about the affair, but wait until you've had a chance to stabilize and ground yourself a bit...i know how helpful it can be to post online, but is there anyone you can go to in real life to help you through this? counseling may help you sort through your emotions and find some clarity... i know it may be hard to believe right now, but the way you feel today is most likely not the way you'll feel next wek, next month, next year..things will, in time, get better
KatZee Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 I have to say that a 10 year long affair probably has not gone unnoticed. I'm sure she has had her inklings of something going on. Also, if I were the BS and I had the OW calling me up and trying to get into my business all because the A was now over and she felt "betrayed" I would laugh in her face, and wreck her world. You have made your choices. I pity you but I don't really feel all that bad. What did you honestly think was going to happen? Married men RARELY, if EVER leave their wives for the other person. You were a fool for staying as long as you did. A fool for thinking you were anything more to this man than a good time. How were you feeling every time he used you for sex and then went right back to his loving home and loving wife? There was no future between you two, there was nothing that was going to happen between you two but what's been going on for 10 years. I know you think you're going to "claim some power" by exposing this, but the only thing that's going to happen is that you're going to be attacked from all angles. He's going to despise you. His wife isn't going to become your best friend. If the wife wants to really play ball with you, it could affect your job. You don't even know if he's confessed to his wife. Maybe he has. Maybe she found something and has been questioning it and that's why it's officially done with you. Either way, they're still together. He's not running to you. To expose this only shows spite, not strength. Move ON with your life. At the end of the day, I think you're going to do whatever you want to do. I don't see you really absorbing anything that everyone is telling you here, you just keep trying to make excuses and trying to justify coming out with it. Let me just say, we all warned you. Good luck. 1
Summer Breeze Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 If I were his W............................ You send everything out and I come back to you with, yes I know about the A. Do you know something heart? You will never know if that's true or not. With that one little sentence she makes everything you're going to send her meaningless and every bit of power you think you have goes right out the window. You'll never know if she's saying that just to save face and keep you out. You'll never know if it's true. Buy you're left there with nothing. You expect to see this huge event upon telling her and I can guarantee 1 of 2 things will happen. She'll either cut you off at the knees and let you know she is fully aware and they're deliriously happy, or she'll go ballistic on your a@@. You seem to have this dream he's going to come running when he has nowhere else to go. He won't. If he did, would you even want him? As the poster above me said, we've all warned you. Look at the posters and the perspectives that are ALL saying to think carefully and take care of yourself before you do anything, if you do anything. We're not saying it to be mean. We've been there and we all know how hard it is and how much it hurts. 1
Author HeartBrokenInNY Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 I have to say that a 10 year long affair probably has not gone unnoticed. I'm sure she has had her inklings of something going on. Also, if I were the BS and I had the OW calling me up and trying to get into my business all because the A was now over and she felt "betrayed" I would laugh in her face, and wreck her world. You have made your choices. I pity you but I don't really feel all that bad. What did you honestly think was going to happen? Married men RARELY, if EVER leave their wives for the other person. You were a fool for staying as long as you did. A fool for thinking you were anything more to this man than a good time. How were you feeling every time he used you for sex and then went right back to his loving home and loving wife? There was no future between you two, there was nothing that was going to happen between you two but what's been going on for 10 years. I know you think you're going to "claim some power" by exposing this, but the only thing that's going to happen is that you're going to be attacked from all angles. He's going to despise you. His wife isn't going to become your best friend. If the wife wants to really play ball with you, it could affect your job. You don't even know if he's confessed to his wife. Maybe he has. Maybe she found something and has been questioning it and that's why it's officially done with you. Either way, they're still together. He's not running to you. To expose this only shows spite, not strength. Move ON with your life. At the end of the day, I think you're going to do whatever you want to do. I don't see you really absorbing anything that everyone is telling you here, you just keep trying to make excuses and trying to justify coming out with it. Let me just say, we all warned you. Good luck. That's the thing, I live so close to them and work so close to them it's torture to think about him being so close, them so close. And the stickler is that he "still wants to be best friends" so he does call and text to see how I'm doing. I'm the one that doesn't feels like I don't know what to say anymore. And there's some days that I feel calm and feel like I should just keep it a secret, I knew he was married but a stupid deeper side of me felt like what we had was "different" And then there's some days when I'm literally shaking with torturous indecisiveness.. And there's some days when I feel like if I saw her in front of me (bumped into her at work in the office building a handful of times), I would calmly ask her if she really knows her husband all these years if he can keep this secret from her all this time, and would she want to know if that was the case with them or not... And if she wants to know then I would confess everything to her. We actually bumped into each other in the elevator just me and her.... She tried to make an effort at small talk and I couldn't concentrate answered yes no and shrug, kept staring at her. When she got off first we didn't even say goodbye (we don't really "like" the other but try to be friendly because of him) And he has told me when we end (before it actually did) that he would never stray again, he says its just too hard sometimes to handle his feelings of guilt, jealousy, etc) and that he doesn't want to hurt another girl like he's hurting me now. Sometimes I "hear" him and understand his motives for ending it, for me, I've been thinking about it for some time as well, I wanted "something" anything to happen. But now that it is- and I don't even know how it will play out- it just kills me with sadness and loneliness. I had always thought I would be the one to break it when I meet someone even tho I wasn't really letting anyone in, I admit. So now I'm going in circles- the same circle for past couple of years, but that circle is closing in on me cuz now he decided to let go and now me. God how it hurts.
Recommended Posts