Conscience Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 We were together for one year and she ended it last Thursday. We are both single parents in our mid thirties and we live at opposite end of the city (about 30mins apart) since we started dating there as always been physical limitations to our relationship but we managed to coop and do our best. On our weeks with our kids we didn't see each other allot and it made me sad until the week was over and we were back on our weeks off and spent allot more time together, for the duration of the relationship I always sort of kept her at arms length while she was really into me and showed me that she loved me but for some reason I tested the relationship on multiple occasions in the process my feelings grew for her but she started losing interest! I didn't recognize the signs she gave me. I think it was time to bring the relationship to the next level! I've always had the intention of moving in her part of town but I never told her! The relationship was great 95% of the time we had tons of fun and our sex life was great, we had both agreed that the kid’s rotation we were on was the main problem we never argued before when we had opposite rotations, it was easy for me to switch it back. (This is something I would have done in the near future, no date was set but it was clear it needed to be done.) Two months ago she started a new job and became extremely busy, as a result her messages became somewhat short and to the point ... I tried to be independent and take a step back but it made me a little paranoid so I tested the relationship for the first time. Before we reconciled she sent me an email telling me how upset she was and that the last time she felt like that she closed off and became indifferent and that she felt that she was slipping away from us, that afternoon we met and talked and she was happy and she was good and she manage to turn the page. Two months later I tested the relationship again!!!! this time when we met after the argument she still felt sad and couldn't seem to be able to turn the page so I gave her a couple of days to reflect before calling her, she was a bit sad but happy that she would see me soon. A couple days later we saw each other on the Monday (we stayed up late having fun ) and again the same thing on the Wednesday... Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea since we both where exhausted! All of her work stress mixed with fatigue not a good combination! Thursday night came and she called me and said she couldn't do it anymore, she said she was stressed and always anxious about the relationship, so I emptied my bag and told her everything I wish I had told her when we were a couple... I said stuff like, I wish she would of considered me part of her family and that we could of moved in together etc, she told me why didn't you tell me all this before I said "it doesn't matter now since your breaking up with me!" So I said that I agreed with her decision and we ended the conversation. It’s been 6 days of NC. I'm giving her one month of NC; I am planning on calling her in one month to ask her out for coffee, if she accepts I will keep it light and positive to ensure she wants more after the initial contact. The reason why I think that there still something here is that nothing happened that was drastic or critical, it was an accumulation of little things, that made her lose interest gradually. Is it safe to say that I still have a fighting chance here? [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
WhatYouWantToHear Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I'm giving her one month of NC; I am planning on calling her in one month to ask her out for coffee, if she accepts I will keep it light and positive to ensure she wants more after the initial contact. This is not no contact, this is game playing. Hopefully she will see through it and be done with you. However, since she already put up with you "testing the relationship" as you vaguely put it, she's probably the type of chick to put up with this new game as well. How exactly did you "test the relationship"? Was it another game or did you sleep around on her?
KatZee Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I'm giving her one month of NC; I am planning on calling her in one month to ask her out for coffee, if she accepts I will keep it light and positive to ensure she wants more after the initial contact. The reason why I think that there still something here is that nothing happened that was drastic or critical, it was an accumulation of little things, that made her lose interest gradually. So are you trying to manipulate her into coming back? "Shocking" her with a dose of NC isn't what NC is about. Also, it's actually the slow accumulation of things which makes someone absolutely SURE they want out of the relationship. If it was something like a one time HUGE fight and the breakup happened LIKETHAT! without much thought, and on impulse, those relationships have more of a shot of coming back together after a "cool off" period. The relationship in which one is constantly disappointed, let down, etc etc., are the ones in which a person goes, "I've had enough. I've seen enough, I've thought long and hard enough, it's done."
Author Conscience Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 This is not no contact, this is game playing. Hopefully she will see through it and be done with you. However, since she already put up with you "testing the relationship" as you vaguely put it, she's probably the type of chick to put up with this new game as well. How exactly did you "test the relationship"? Was it another game or did you sleep around on her? Sorry I don't think i've explained myself correctly here, I am trying to give her time and respect her choice of not being with me I don't think that by beging her to come back it will be a good idea? I am confused and I am trying hard to make a rational descision please help me with this? When I say I tested the relasionship I meant that I over reacted when she didn't want to spend time with me or I tried to make her tell me how much she wanted to be with me I became insecure as a result of not hearing from her when she was at work ... not that I usualy care but it stoped from the day to the next when she started that new job. I loved my GF dearly I would of never been unfaithfull to her! The only thing I want is to be with her and I was thinking by doing NC it would give me a chance?
Author Conscience Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 So are you trying to manipulate her into coming back? "Shocking" her with a dose of NC isn't what NC is about. Also, it's actually the slow accumulation of things which makes someone absolutely SURE they want out of the relationship. If it was something like a one time HUGE fight and the breakup happened LIKETHAT! without much thought, and on impulse, those relationships have more of a shot of coming back together after a "cool off" period. The relationship in which one is constantly disappointed, let down, etc etc., are the ones in which a person goes, "I've had enough. I've seen enough, I've thought long and hard enough, it's done." I understand but like I said I feel like 95% of the time we had fun and all was possitive, its not like I was an ass or I did something major.... I know I had to tone it down but I feel like it was abrupt...
Author Conscience Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 I know I ****ed up and I want to make it better, is there something at all I could do to make this girl understand that I am not with bad intentions?
Allumere Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 You respectfully accept her decision....you do not agree to the decision. Agreeing implies "right". Accepting does not mean you understand or give up or cling to hope, it just means you are open to possibilities...moving on, getting back together, whatever. Now, unless she requested "don't contact me" I see no reason for NC. That doesn't mean you should call every day or plan on hanging out just right now but I see no reason why you can't touch base with her in a week or so. Something simple "Just thinkin about you. Hope the stress of work has eased for you a bit and things are well". Although NC has its place at times, I find it to be a power play...like ignoring a child until they behave in the manner you want. If she doesn't want to respond or talk, she won't but she will read or listen to the message and since nothing ugly happened to lead to the breakup it will probably feel good to her to be thought of. In the mean time you live your life, work on things you identified through this relationship that are areas you need to improve on and be open to all possibilities.
Author Conscience Posted November 15, 2012 Author Posted November 15, 2012 I sent her a txt yesterday asking "If we could talk about this" She accepted and offered to go for lunch this Friday, in the mean time we started texting and she emptied her bag and made me realize how much of a douche I've been and I regret it since I didn't know she felt this way She then told me after texting for a while that she had work to do and that I could call her if I wanted to that night, I responded that I wouldn't call thinking it wasn’t necessary and that I would see her on Friday for lunch she said yes. I've asked her if I still had a chance and she said "I am sorry to hurt you but right now no." I sense that I need to give her space so after the Friday meeting I will contact her maybe once per week to see how she's doing? We have a mutual friend that works with her, she told me that she asked her if she was ready to just walk away and her answer was no. I am thinking that on Friday I will try to keep it light and enjoy our lunch together....
Recommended Posts