5 1/2 years gone.......Cause I'm an idiot

[Gabe Logan]

Hi all! I'm new here but I have been reading your posts for days now, and I must say, that everyone in these threads are true and so serious, and I respect you all for your courtesy towards each other.

 

Ok so here's my problem, and I'm sorry for the long book, but this is the whole situation, please read and help me If possible.

 

I met my Ex Girlfriend (so hard to say ex) almost 6 years ago. We dated for 5 1/2 years. She was head over heals in love with me. Like when I tell you head over heals, I mean that she did anything and everything for me at any given time. She loved me to death. Wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. However, my feelings were a little different. I loved her, but I wasn't totally in love with her. We got along so well, that she was my best friend ever, and because I felt that she was my best friend, I just wanted to keep the relationship going, but still I was not totally in love. Don't get me wrong, we had the best of times, my family loves her but to me, something just wasn't right.

 

In our state, Rhode Island, she lived across The Newport Bridge and I never wanted to go see her, I always wanted her to come see me, she would drop everything. Now I know I should have gone to see her more often, but Being from RI and all, a 25 minute drive is considered a long @ss drive, so I always wanted her to come to my house. Not to mention my house had more stuff to do and I was always bored at her house, but that's neither here nor there. She always came because she wanted to see me, and wanted to be with me. Eventually she Moved from Newport closer to my house, she asked me to move in with her, I told her no, I wasn't ready to move out. There I was like 23 years old, and I was still living at home..I'm still Living at home, and I'm 25 now. (What a tool I am) anyway, her living closer now, still brought her to my house. I did go to her new place more than I did Newport, but she still came to me. Her lease was up, about a year later and once again, she asked me to move in with her. I told her to stay at my house and save money. She did. We lived in my house together for about a year or so, and during this year, I completly neglected her. See my parents went through a HORRIBLE divorce, my father moved out and I was basically stuck in the middle of there whole situation. (that's an even longer story) But that made me very depressed. I never expressed my feelings towards her, but instead I would lock myself in my room and play playstation and drink all night. I watched my mother crumble non stop everyday for over a year. So being in my room, by myself, kept me away from all of that. 1 full year I sat in my room. (I went to work, don't get me wrong) but I would just come home to my game. (It was online, so I was addicted also, so It was a mix of getting rid of my problems by playing this game I was so addicted too) Anyway, me playing this game, left her on the couch. She hates playstation, and after awhile we even stopped sleeping in the same bed. She would fall asleep on the couch, and I would fall asleep in the bed when I was done playing around 2am. I played this game for hours a day. We would eat dinner everynight, and I would just go back to playing. OMG she hated that. Damn I suck. (Why didn't I just pay more attention to her?) Anyway during this time of her in one room, me in another, grew us apart from each other. I mean way apart from each other. So apart that after that year she fell for someone else. She told me everything. She has been SO HONEST through the whole break up, I couldn't ask for more honesty. She told me that in her eye's she saw we were done forever ago. She told me while I was in one room and she was in the other, she would cry herself to sleep because she thought we weren't going anywhere, and that hurt her so bad because all she ever wanted was me. So she was hurting for a year, and the whole time I never saw that. That's how blind I was.

 

So, she meets this guy, they have a thing for each other, end up sleeping together and in no time at all, she's completly all set with me. 100% all set.

 

Here's where my problem comes in. About 2 months prior to this incodent the smoke was kind of clearing for me with my parents situation, they got divorced finally, I was feeling more me, playing PS2 a little less now, the girl and I were doing more things than usual and now I was totally in love with her, but I was afraid to express it. So what I did was go out, and buy an engagement ring. Yea, that will show her how much I love her! I put a down payment on it, I could finally get it after the month was over. I'll never forget this. She broke up with me on a Monday I think towards the end of the month. This friggen ring was to be paid for and I could take it home on Wednesday. 2 days went buy of me puking and crying and all this sad stuff (because she was so honest) and I went to pick the ring up anyway. In what appeared to be a desperate cry for help, I asked her to marry me. (How stupid I was) But I meant it! I meant every bit of it. She obviously said no, and then moved all of her stuff from my house to her now friends house where he lives in Newport. 2 minutes walking distance to her work. Awww, how convienent. For a year all she wanted was her own place, so this kid was a temporary place to stay while she looked for an apartment. She no longer wanted me to live with her, I called her everyday trying different ways, and saying different things to try and get her back. I sent flowers, I did everything. Still no dice. You know that feeling that you don't know what you have until It goes away, well It happened, and because she was so honest with her new relationship, I bacame so Gealous, I knew they were sleeping together and knowing that I would argue with her about him all the time, and I think that this was driving her closer to him. I cried everynight, Hurt, lonely, empty, sick, angry, and even happy sometimes, This affected my work ethics, my social life, everything. A few times I grabbed my boys, and we would go out, and because I knew she had sex with this stranger, I decided to kick it to some girl myself and that lead to us having sex. I felt better. Ok, so I thought I felt better. The whole time after, all I could do was think of my ex. Non stop. The next day, and everyday after. I told her about it. She became sick to her stomach and that was the end of that conversation. We would talk, here and there. I'd call her, she'd call me but not as often as we used to. (I mean we would call each other if a Deer was in the middle of the road or something ya know? But not anymore) Anyway weeks went by, and she took a trip with him to Maine to go camping and they spent the weekend with his family or something. I didn't talk to her for three days. How sick I was. My girl doesn't camp. She's a Princess. Long nails, makeup, has no grimy clothes to bum around in. I mean when she sleeps, she slips in silk shorts. She doesn't camp. This kids a Jock who chews Tobacco and camps. Her and I don't even smoke.

 

Anyway I did what I could to play the strong guy, I stopped calling her, but she always still calls me. Here we are about 2 months later, I accept the situation, The sick feeling has gone away, I'm no longer empty, I'm getting through it ok now, (Thank God) because that sick feeling is horrendace, but there is one thing. She calls me all the time still more so than the usual 1 call a day. She finally moved out of that kids house, and I helped her move all weekend. (her stuff from storage not her stuff from his house) I never once talked about our relationship, I never once talked about there relationship, I have been talking to her for about a week now, and I haven't done anything to push her closer. Sometimes I may get drunk and slip, but were not counting that. At any rate It seems like the wheels are turning the other way. She told me on Sunday when we went to breakfast before I helped her move that at one point in time she knew and felt that she was totally 100% all set with me, but now she is in a totally different situation, and she said she doesn't know what to do. It sounded like she wanted to get rid of this other kid, but because they slept together she doesn't know what to do. She said she's still "kind of bitter" about getting back with me, but she's not 100% all set with me anymore. I think her feelings are growing back to me. I tell her that things will be so different if we get back, I tell her how much I love her, and actually, she tells me back. 2 nights ago I said it again and she said it back, but she also said there was a reason for her saying it back. Her reason was "I said I love you, because I do" That brought tears to my eyes. I said nothing more than Good Night and that was that.

 

Oh I kind of left something out. When I helped her move out. She drove to my house. We took 2 Trucks, my Truck, and I borrowed my father's truck. My truck is an 03 Lincoln Aviator with 22 inch wheels on it. (not that it matters what kind of car I have) But I left my truck with her, and took my dad's truck with me. She's been driving around in a Truck with 22"s on it since Sunday, while I gave my dad's truck back, and I'm driving her 89 LeSabre. I figured I'd let her use it cause she's on my insurance as an active driver anyway, and also to show her how much I trust her and how much I love her. The kid she's seeing now, obviously doesn't see it as a good idea, he said "Oh that's a boyfriend Girlfriend thing" and when he went to see her new place, he saw my truck and made fun of my license plate. I'm a DJ so it has to do with music. But when he made fun of it, she stood up for me, as she was actually pissed at him now, because we share the same taste in music. (she told me that)

 

So it seems things are getting better, she see's me trying, she doesn't know what to do with this other kid, She knows how much I love her, she's got my truck, she was once so in love with me it was sick, she doesn't live with him anymore, but she might go with him to Boston on Sunday to meet his Aunt. What is happening to us? What am I supposed to do? I'm so deeply in love with her, and I can't get get her out of my head. Even though the empty pain is gone and I accept it, I still want her back?????????? Oh not to mention, this kid tells her he loves her, and she told me that she made the mistake of saying it back. She's in a situation it seems she can't get out of. Please help.

 

P.S. I never cheated on her and she knows this, I was 100% Faithful.

P.S.S. Once again, sorry for this long, long book.

[Pocky]

She is using him as support and I don't mean this is a negative mark on her character. She has turned to him to make her feel good about herself and she probably has a very close connection with him. He has probably done everything that she wanted you to do and this will confuse her because she will keep comparing the two of you and wonder which person she should be with. She said she isn't in love with the other guy but is in love with you so this gives you some hope.

 

Just keep letting her know how much you love her and how sorry you are for what has happened. Tell her you took her for granted and that you have realized how much she means to you. Let her know that you want to be the type of man she needs in her life and you realize what that will take. Ask her to give you one more chance because and she won't regret it.

[Gabe Logan]

Ok, so I have done all of that. It has seemed to work, because she tells me "I know how you feel now" So she has accepted that fact that I am willing. I asked her for 1 more chance, and when I ask her, It seems like she wants to give it to me, However there is just that 1 thing that is keeping her away, I can't figure it out. Not to mention she is seriously thinking about going to Boston with him to Visit his Aunt on Sunday. I asked her to go out on my boat on Sunday before I knew he asked her to go to Boston. She said, "forever ago he asked me to go to Boston to see his Aunt, since I moved, we haven't really talked about too much so I'm not sure if he still wants to go or not, I'll let you know" Like what?????????? Hello????? Forget what he wants, try for me, give me that chance I'm asking for????? That was this morning, here we are 9:00 tonight, no phone call. So I called her, I hate calling her. I called her cause we're supposed to be headed to 6 flags on the 14th and I wanted to know if she can get the day off. I left her a message, The message was only in regards to that, nothing more, I never call her, but after she told me what she told me today about Sunday, I've been dying to talk to her all day. What's weird is that I controlled our whole relationship, Not in a bad way, she just did whatever I wanted, but now the ball is in her court, which sucks, cause I want the ball back. Now what? Please help

[Dork]

Take care of your messed up life, seriously dude! She seems pretty messed up too!!!

[hurtingandconfused]

Let her come to you. Stop making her feel like God. Let her miss you. Stop calling her, stop talking to her. Heal, live, and begin to feel what you are suppose to. You are heart-broken. Give you 2 some time apart, and maybe you'll have a more clear decision.

 

 

Let your pain ease away.

[sarah12]

I agree with Dork - it's like you guys are co-dependent.

 

You mentioned that she was more like your best friend, and you weren't so in-love with her. I think you just got used to her and so when she's gone, it's not like you miss HER, you just can't take knowing that you can't have what you want, or what you used to have.

 

I say move on from each other - you're just going to fall into the same trap over and over again..I've seen it happen..true love doesn't take breaks.

[Gabe Logan]

It's just so scary going through all of this, I will stop treating her like God, I know this kid can't treat her like it, and I know she needs to be treated that way, so maybe if I stop, and this kid doesn't treat her like it, then she may realize. But until that happens, I guess I'm gonna have to let it go. I have no other choice. What sucks is that I'm too late. I always put myself first, Like she wanted to move into a place with me, but instead I bought that truck, I'm going to pick my truck up today from her, I talked to her last night and she said me picking my truck up is gonna make her sad. What does that mean? I've been driving around in an 89 LeSabre with paint missing, and I have to be honest, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MY TRUCK BACK!!!!!!!!!!! So not only am I not with my Girl, I'm without my other Baby too...OUCH...man I suck. Hopefully when I get my truck back, it'll fill a part of the empty feeling I'm having, and It can help me move on a lil better. I'll definetly feel more myself.

 

Let me ask you all some questions, when I get my truck back, and when I not call her, what do you think her mind will go through?

 

I'm gonna see her tonight, do I go out with her or do I just go home? Do I take my keys and leave or do I stay and talk with her? Do I talk about our situation or do I act like I don't care? You all are helping me so much I can't ask for better help. What should I do tonight when I see her?

 

 

 

P.S. Quote from Sarah12: "it's not like you miss HER, you just can't take knowing that you can't have what you want"

 

What's messed up is that I never wanted the Boyfriend Girlfriend Label. I always wanted her there, but I never wanted to be her as my Girlfriend. I always introduced her as "MY GIRL" Not My Girlfriend. But I want the Girlfriend security from her now....Man I'm so screwed up.

[manofmystrey]

Gabe there is only one thing u can do and that is nothing at this point. You have told her how u feel about her and there is nothing more u can do. For u see when u were with her to had some issues and anyone in ur place would be messed up and she knew what u were going through. But u have to also understand that at that time as ur girl she probabbly wanted nothing more then for u to tell her how u feel and share what u are going through so she could share ur pain and carry some of ur burdon. U retreated, not a bad thing i would do the same. But then came along this kid u say how old is he? But he more then likely shares these things with her the things that are bothering him. He gives her some sense of need that he needs her there. And if she says she loves u but still holding onto him is because of that fact that he makes her feel wanted.

 

If u truely want to fix things u might want to start by telling her what happned and why u retreated and in some small way u are showing her that u can talk to her about one of the worst times in ur life. Also u will show her that u need her and u see that now, for that emotional support that people in love need from each other.

 

Might work and it might not. Cause it could also come across as the sympthy card u have to be carefull about the time u do it. Pick a time when u are both opening up to each other.

 

As for this clown making fun of ur ride, at least u got a nice ride that u worked hard for what he got? A pair of walking shoes. Not that, that matters but feel good about ur accomplishments.

 

Hope this helps.

[jmargel]

What's weird is that I controlled our whole relationship, Not in a bad way, she just did whatever I wanted, but now the ball is in her court, which sucks, cause I want the ball back. Now what? Please help

 

Your relationship in the past was a power struggle. She just accepted what you wanted to do. Now she has the freedom to choose. Do you think she is going to let go of this power she just found out she has? No way. Why should she trust you after neglect from you after a year? What have YOU done to prove otherwise except words? That's why she is confused. I can guarantee he is telling her the same thing I'm telling you.

 

You taking back the truck could be precieved as a sign of a power struggle again. Granted you don't want to be walked all over, yet you don't want to give her the ultamatium in wanting to know what she wants. She is confused, alot. You have to have ALOT of patience with her and YOU have to put your feelings on the backburner like she has during the last few years she was with you. Don't you realize the hurt & lonliness you have been feeling for the past few months is what she has been feeling for the past few years? What's even worse is that you were there!

 

I truly feel for her, since her self-esteem is probably very low. This guy probably makes her feel good which she deserves.

 

You have to first decide what is more important. Your happiness or hers? If she is truly happy with this other guy, would that be enough for you? Do you love her enough to let her go, knowing she is happy and content in life? Or would you rather her coming back to you thinking the stuff that has happened over the past few years is going to happen again? I'm going to be pretty blunt here, but the past few years you have been pretty selfish and materalistic. You need to learn to appreciate the little things in life, and I believe this is a wake up call.

 

So, your question is what to do? How to get her back? Well for one, I wouldn't push the issue with the truck. If she is more important let her drive it. Her driving it is a reminder of you. Why would you take that away from her, when your goal is to get her back for another chance?

 

How can you prove what you are saying to her? Well if I were you I would swallow my pride and go see a counselor (marriage counselor) You have issues with your parents divorcing and this made an impact on your relationship with your ex. ONCE you make the appointment, THEN tell your ex that you are going. And that you are doing this for yourself (most importantly) and you would like for her to join you sometime soon. This is a MUST if you want to fix the issues within' yourself and to SHOW your ex you have more than just good intentions.

 

I would try to find one this weekend or this coming week. DON'T wait. If she goes to Boston with this guy, keep yourself busy in other ways. When thoughts of them come into your head, mentally tell yourself to block them. Her going to Boston is not going to make or break things with you.

 

You have alot of work to be done on yourself, right now all I hear is words from you without any plans to get things done the right way. There's nothing wrong with you calling her, since she has done all the chasing in the past. Just don't overdue it. Give her the time and the space she needs. She sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and she really isn't playing games with you. She took alot of abuse from you in the past and it's going to take a long time for her to recover. For her to say the things she did to you takes someone with a big heart.

[Gabe Logan]

Thanks man, It does help. As for his car, he has a Jeep Liberty, a regular camper.....Ha. As for his age, I think he's 23 he may be 22 but I definetly think he's 23. My ex and I are both 25. Not to mention that we are 10 days apart. We both had Birthdays recently. Hers is July 15th mine is July 25th we did stuff together for our birthday's, so It isn't like we are distant from each other, she still wants to do stuff with me.

 

I'm gonna do my best to open up to her like I should have before, I didn't really realize that I should have, thats how blind I was, but I will now, and I will only do this when we are being open to each other. I won't just be having fun then go into sad stuff.

 

Anyway, your words mean alot. I do understand that there is nothing I can do at this point. I do however keep spitting things at her like Let's do something on Sunday, I'll pick you up, we can go get breakfast etc....etc...then Tuesday My Nana is making dinner, we can go there for dinner etc...etc...Thinking that if I show her how much I want to be with her she'll come back. She said "whoa relax, your planning my whole month, and I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow" and laughed a little. However she didn't say no to any of it. It's so weird what were going through. She isn't heartless, she sees me trying my @ss off. Today I also said to her "Michael and Jill kind of has a nice ring to it doesn't it?" Without even thinking about what I just said, her Immediate answer was "yes it does." (My name isn't Gabe by the way, Gabe is my online name...sometimes I even think my name is Gabe I use it for everything lol) But anway, She's down with me it seems, all of this has to mean something right? It has to.

 

Also she told me, not today, but she told me the other day that she was very much still attracted to me.

[manofmystrey]

Gabe, u know where she stands with her feeling which is a very good thing...... But have to becareful cause u dont want to scare her off. its great that she wants to do things with and she is getting in her mind what she should have when the two of u were together.

 

That being said u u dont want to tell come on like u are obssesed with her. Let time take its course. U stated that u dj right? Do u dj at any clubs or anything like that? If u do i was wondering if u have ever invited her to come and watch u do ur thing? See this way u are inviting her to a public place and she is getting out having fun and she can see that side of u for one year she lived with u she saw the sad and neglectful side. If u get a gig tell her u are a bit nervous and u sure could use her there as away to saty calm or for support. See at this time she wants nothing more then to be needed she is in a very confused part of her life and she is in love with and she told u that, and this other clown cause he is younger she maybe not wanting to break his heart or anything. I mean u have to understand that she is in a situation where she is happy that she is needed and admired.

 

Now have taken the steps to show how u u feel now show her that u need her for the little things even if they are trivial. We all been in a place where a partner has given us something we dont like, like a sweater or a shirt but we take and wear it for 2 reason one we love the person so much that we dont care what it looks like and wear it cause we dont want to hurt their feeling and second because we want them to be happy because they did something that was unselfish and it was done from the heart. Thats what u have to do in time.

 

I dont know her but from what u have writin it seem like when u were together u did not open up her when she felt u needed her most. That hurt more then anything. Becasue if u could lean on her then what good was she to u. That is a very painful thing to experience.

 

Take it slow and make sure u do things she wants to as well.

[Gabe Logan]

Originally posted by jmargel

 

 

1. Don't you realize the hurt & lonliness you have been feeling for the past few months is what she has been feeling for the past few years? What's even worse is that you were there!

 

2. You have to first decide what is more important. Your happiness or hers? If she is truly happy with this other guy, would that be enough for you? Do you love her enough to let her go, knowing she is happy and content in life? Or would you rather her coming back to you thinking the stuff that has happened over the past few years is going to happen again?

 

3. So, your question is what to do? How to get her back? Well for one, I wouldn't push the issue with the truck. If she is more important let her drive it. Her driving it is a reminder of you. Why would you take that away from her, when your goal is to get her back for another chance?

 

4. Her going to Boston is not going to make or break things with you.

 

5. You have alot of work to be done on yourself, right now all I hear is words from you without any plans to get things done the right way.

 

 

1. I completly understand that. I've cried about what you just said for this whole month. I realize that I was there and did nothing about it. Can't that be fixed?

 

2. Her happiness is totally more important to me. Do I love her enough to let her go so she could be happy with someone else? Well.......I never really thought about that. But now that it's on the table, I guess I do love her enough that I want her to be happy no matter what, and if no matter what means to be happy with someone else, than well...............ok so be it. But I know she could be totally more happy with me. I know what I have done wrong and I want to be the person she first met. I want to be us again. That means no going back to any old ways. None of my nonsense will ever happen again. I want to settle down and pay 100% attention to her. I can't explain my feelings, you all will just have to trust that I won't fail again.

 

3. As far as my Truck goes, I understand that her driving it is a reminder of me, It just sucks that with both my girl and truck gone, I'm destroyed. Do you really think she'd come back if she had my truck for longer than a few weeks?

 

4. That's a relief. I figured her going to Boston meant there's no chance, seeing that I'm asking for the full day with her to take the boat out, tie off at a dock, and have dinner at an outside Restaurant. An all day affair, I figure that would be way more fun than a boring ride to Boston to see his crappy family. It's what she always wanted to do anyway. The boat thing that is, not the ride to Boston thing.

 

5. What is a good plan to get things done the right away? I helped her move 2 full days, I haven't pushed our issue, I don't whine to her, I'm doing everything in my power to hold back and act like things are normal and the way she wants them to be. I don't know what else to do.

 

I love this Girl more than I love anything else in this world. I will do anything and everything for her. I understand I didn't before but life goes on and people do change, that's fact, and I'm willing to change and reverse my selfish self and give her the world. I understand that time will show her, but how much time? If she see's this now, why won't she just give me that 1 chance I'm asking for. She said that if she comes back it'll be a big step for her, but I promise I won't let her down. I promise! Like I said, I have always been 100% faithful, Just this one time I was depressed. That problem is gone now, I can do it, I know I can. How do I show her? By showing her honestly how much I care? By letting more time go by? 2 months have gone by now, when will she see that I'm not messing with emotions here? I have no reason to lie to any of you, so I'm not kidding.

 

 

Oh and Mystery, I do understand where she stands, and with that I will let it go and let time take it's course. As far as DJing, I used to DJ at a real nice hopping club, But not anymore, I just do Weddings and Party's. I'm looking into clubs again now, but it's summer time and It seems like all DJ positions in clubs are pretty much filled up. But anyway, I want to lean on her. Right now I'm leaning on nothing and I'm falling over. She's the only one that can save me, and I won't let her down.