Thinking of breaking NC after 65 days

[LovesGonnaGetU]

Ok-I will try to make this as short as I can. We were together for 4 years-spent almost every weekend together and most of the week too. Talked everyday , laughed, joked and spent holidays together. We never lived with each other, he was neurotic. However, he lied alot, blamed me all the time, kept mental notes about things I did wrong. On the flip side- he did many thoughtful and loving things for me. It was a push pull thing. I would get upset at his actions and the ball would start rolling.

 

I did love him-we did so much together. His main problem is chronic unemployment. 10 Years. Anyway, I knew this was not working and I was honest about it. For months I wanted to break up, before I really got hurt and he would always manipulate this situation and I would stay-hopeing that his emotional distance would end, but I would get frustrated and angry. I felt like he wanted me to do something totally insane and he could play the victim. I caught on it and I snapped-but in a good way. I became cool, collected and composed. I really wanted to break up in person and he was avoiding it, or just didn't care. He called me that morning to go to the beach and the out to mutual friends for dinner. For the last few weeks he had been slowly cutting me out of his life and I believe he enjoyed this.

 

In the same breath-he was "sick" and couldn't hang out. I had enough and made him admit that we were no longer partners. I explained that I would be cutting contact for a period of time. My mind said Thanksgiving. He said that hurt and it was unexpected. He "wanted me to be another person in his life." I said "no, sorry. Not now." I so wanted to do this is person-he would've rather gone to the beach or put it off. Most of my adult friends were blown away by this, not because we broke up, but because of the way an adult man "managed" the situation.

 

I cried for the first time in a decade. Not because it was over, but because of the lies, manipulation and betrayal. I told him I would talk to him later and said goodbye. There has been zero contact since. He tried to email me once, maybe a week later and the tone of the email sounded like he was in denial. He wanted me to contact him "anytime." He tried to maintain contact with my family in California, however my name was never mentioned. Mutual friends say he never mentions me and simply states that we broke up ( he never talks about negative things that has happend, but I wrestle with the idea that I was very little value to him.)

 

His life is filled with failures, unemployed (10 years, failed relationships and I witnessed friends distant themselves from him-he always blamed me.) In the last year he lost his apartment in the Hampton's, parents have been sick, failed projects and no responses from interviews-I was there and helped him through it all. I never complained and I never looked down on him. I was his biggest supporter, never used his situation against him.

 

Yet, he would say and do hurtful things that would really piss me off and I would get mad and all of a sudden, my anger was the BIG ISSUE. I never, hit, punched broke or even screamed-did I tell him up F-off, yup.

All I know now is that when friends invite him out (with out me) he cancels at the last second. Nobody has seen him. Our closest friend hung up on him yesterday.

 

In contrast- I have my own apartment in Manhattan, love my job, in grad school, just for accepted into a prestigious honor society, I'm funny, smart, artistic all that crap. I'm not trying to sound "all that", but yeah...

 

 

I feel like a champ. I didn't get mad, seek revenge, I talked about it, didn't slander him, let my emotions come and go, forgave him and do not feel the pain as strongly anymore. I've gained my self-esteem back, stayed busy, made new friends, worked hard at my job-gone out on dates and had sex a few times. Without a word of a lie I have over 100 messages on a dating app from different people. I am moving forward. I've also been distracted by my hobbies.

 

Sooooo, I miss this man-a lot. It's normal, I know. I do not want to date him or "want him back", but wow! I miss him so much. I loved him-but he could not have the "partner privilege" to my life anymore. To do that, I went no contact and I told him I was doing so I believe I was not being selfish or emotionally immature. I worked on healing and myself-this time apart had NOTHING to do with winning him back. For months I said to myself-nope, he is gone, no contact.

 

I'm starting up feel differently-I feel that I would like to have him in my life with distance and borders. I miss him-with all his faults, i miss him as a person.

 

Thanksgiving is a week away. I've drafted a friendly email, brief, lacking much personal detail, mentioning nothing about "us" an what happened. Asked him a few questions about himself and that's it. I believe that he is "surprised" that I really did this. He was so used to being in control and me saying "please one more try." This time I said the goodbye.

 

Is this ok??? Should I break this no contact thing? I'm prepared for no-response back or a "get lost reply." But, I'm worried that he will take it "differently." Or, in reality does he just simply not care. He claimed he was depressed-he claimed other things too and lied. So, what the hell.

[bpdr]

You have already let go. You did precisely the moment you took leisure with another man. Let him go. Stay NC ~ and this time...mean it.

[sarah_valentine]

I wouldn't send it, not yet. Maybe in the new year and you could wish him a good year ahead?

 

You went out for four years and it sounds like it wasn't that great... but don't discount the fact that you stayed or that you were together for so long. It's possible he has no hold on you anymore, but I wouldn't test it when things are going well for you, give it a bit more time.

 

It also sounds a lot like you still care for him, because without his friends etc. things being weird for him, you feel responsible for making sure he's ok and still caring. Don't forget how horrible he was at the end of the relationship, and that it isn't your responsibility to help it out. Sad fact of life but ultimately we are all responsible for ourselves and need to make the appropriate changes, just as he lost that 'partner privilege' so have you... I just think you should stay away until he has things a bit more on track. I don't think contact will be as appreciated as you think it might.

[KatZee]

Don't break NC. My ex sounds EXACTLY like yours. Everything was my fault in the relationship, always picking me apart, never acknowledging everything I DID do for him. He also started becoming really nasty, lied all the time, cheated on me... I thought he was amazing before I found all of that out. As he's breaking up with me he's saying he wants to be friends b/c what we have is so amazing, and that I should call him anytime.

 

I walked out of his house and he never saw me again. I would never entertain him for a second by reaching out. And you shouldn't either. Don't lose the dignity you have right now. YOU are the one who has it going, not him.

 

One of my friends told me why he was acting so horrible to me... because I was the "Alpha" so to speak. I had a great job, new job, a new apartment lease I was signing, 2 degrees, all the opportunity in the world. Meanwhile he is/was stuck in thousands of dollars in debt, lives at home with his parents, has a peon job... he was just stuck in a lot of areas and couldn't get out of it, and the only way to make himself feel better was to try to break me down. And he did succeed on an emotional level. He made me feel worthless. Like I wasn't good enough for him, like there was something wrong with me.

 

The best gift my ex ever gave me was dumping me because where I used to be emotionally... I never would have left him. I would have continued giving and giving, and trying, and bending, and sacrificing. The best thing he ever did for me was to let me go and free me from his chains.

 

Don't do it at all. Be thankful this season for your friends, your family, and the future you have right in front of you.

 

Your ex dumped you, he's not reaching out to you. Please listen to the silence because it speaks VOLUMES. If he wanted to reconcile or a friendship, he knows exactly where you are. Hold on to your self-worth.

[flitzanu]

1. the fact you've kept track that it's 65 days means you're thinking about this much more than you think.

 

2. he hasn't spoken or attempted to contact you in 65 days, why would you think he will suddenly want to hear from you?

 

you're wasting time and energy.

[LovesGonnaGetU]

Thank you all for the replies. It's interesting to read the Katiez story and how it is similar to mine.

 

First however, I was not counting the days obsessively, rather I kept a journal and logged my thoughts down when I felt horrible. I also wrote down goals, objectives and a coping guide. In addition I drafted a few angry letters, with the intention of never sending them. Therefore, my anger went on paper not to another person.

 

My biggest personal goal was to know how to deal better when I feel angry. It's normal to feel that way, but there are other options then to become confrontational or strike back. Also, my anger doesn't need to be directed upon anybody-It's my personal duty to deal with the emotion and extinguish the flame, so to speak.

 

Secondly, he did try to contact me 2-3 days later after the break up. I was the one who didn't respond. But, yes, obviously I thought about this a lot-I just stayed active.

 

Thirdly, I sent the email last night. I kept it very light and on the theme of "hey, how's things?"

 

When I pressed "send" a massive weight lifted from my soul. It occurred to me that day that it was not he who bothered me, but me being fixated on the "no-contact." That in itself was now a weight.

 

If he did not respond, then, that's fine. I was ok with that. If he did, well, that was ok too. (Even if it was a "lets not talk email.) Regardless, letting go of the "no contact" really let me move on.

 

He emailed me back this AM. It was a rather long response detailing what's going on in his life-his last "idea plan" has started to unravel, sadly.

 

We were supposed to go out to California for Christmas. My family informed him it was not possible. However, he has bought and sent my whole family presents-including my sisters boyfriend, who he only met once. The email ended as such, "

Stay well. Glad to hear everything is great with you." Not sure if there should be a quick response back.

 

I do need to be careful, this is an "ex" and the breakup was not fun and what's going though my mind, is "well when should I, or does he want to hear back." There was no, "let me know how it goes" sections. I need to be very careful, and not read deeply into things, yes?

 

On another note, I do have a date tonight which a guy who gave me his number at the super market a while back. We've talked on the phone and he seems normal and employed. Some of the men I went on dates with have been-less than impressive.

 

Anyway, as much as I hated no contact-it was the only method for me. Nobody saw me fall apart and build up again ( except my family)

 

Should there be a "friendship reconciliation" or simply leave as is?

[flitzanu]

friendship reconciliation depends on what your motivation is, and his motivation is.

[LovesGonnaGetU]

Well-we had some back and forth email, but no phone contact. I left that door open, but he was less responsive. That's really ok with me. Slow steps here. It's obvious he doesn't hate me and there is something left, but it's not time to rush and I'm eager to meet more people and grow. I learned what I've done wrong, with no regrets. He is much older and less likely to change.

 

However, yeah, ummmm, I ended up doing some "unethical research" (as I am amazing with google.) and uncovered unethical actions had taken place over the years. However, I was just as unethical. And now I feel much better about everything. We were not supposed to be lovers and it's over (thankfully.)

 

However, my motive you ask slowly developing a friendship, because I don't hate the guy at all, we had a ton of fun. The ending was THE PITS...His motive, as I am trying not to go into his mind-feels the same, maybe less and who knows. There is a lot of time for me to progress the feelings hurt a lot less and I've lost the "victim" mentality.

[LovesGonnaGetU]

Ok, now I need some REAL sound advice.

 

After a bunch of long back and forth detailed emails,

 

 

-We spoke on the phone today. Had a long 45 min convo. I had to let him go. He started to bring up stuff that we did together by the end.

 

-I do need help with something at my apartment. And he wants to help me with it and he agreed, I said Tuesday. That's way to soon. I'm going to suggest the weekend.

 

-I'm not sure at all what his motives are. He does maintain rather good friendships with ex's. So, I'm figuring that may be the case. I've really progressed in the last few months and the space has allowed me to become independent. I've established new friendships and went out on dates. But, I sometimes I think what we had was better as I look deeply.

 

I don't want this to turn into "a get my ex back post." I think he misses me and I miss him too. I can work with something new with him, but not sure what. I'm afraid that he will pull away again. During NC, it was all about me. I went deep into my soul and my situation has changed-a lot. Before, I was unhappy in my living situation (a crazy roommate who booked it with my money.) At first I was so mad, then I forgave him. I felt so much better. I've found that forgiveness is so freeing, but it takes time and it works. I hated my job, so I worked hard and got a better one. I'm a "go getter" so to say.

 

 

The NC/breakup sucked so badly. But I grew so much. I learned so much. If we do get together again, fine if not, I'll take the tools and emotional maturity and meet somebody new. I do have faith.

 

Any advice, thoughts???

[flitzanu]

it doesn't seem like you're asking anything, you sound like you're venting.

 

nowhere did you say "i want him back" and most of what you said was hesitant and full of "what ifs". sadly no one can tell you "it will be different" so if you're going to try to get back together, you need to either do it, or cut contact AGAIN with him. you've opened a door, and you're gonna hurt him or yourself now.

[Jono85]

it doesn't seem like you're asking anything, you sound like you're venting.

 

nowhere did you say "i want him back" and most of what you said was hesitant and full of "what ifs". sadly no one can tell you "it will be different" so if you're going to try to get back together, you need to either do it, or cut contact AGAIN with him. you've opened a door, and you're gonna hurt him or yourself now.

 

i think it's fairly obvious that she wants to get back together with him, but is afraid to make the first move and get hurt.

 

but OP, like he said, you need to try to make your mind up. this on the fence stuff will only leave ppl more hurt.

[LovesGonnaGetU]

I am going to leave the door open with no expectations one way or another. I keep going from the worst, to the best scenario's, trying to accept the middle ground.

 

My intention is to not hurt anybody and I'm hoping the same for me as well.