How to get rid of that last shred of hope..

[golk]

I haven't posted here in a long while...probably since we officially broke up in October. I have tried to go NC quite a few times but her texting me the most believable things set me back. But here's the thing, there's two things that are holding me back from REALLY healing and moving on even though I am becoming more emotionally stable.

 

1. I have seen her a few times since the BU and everytime she has told me she misses me so much, hugs the sh*t outta me, kisses the sh*t out of me, and has told me she loves me ( for ex. hanging out her car window as she pulls away saying I love you) but she needs to move on because of the stress in her life and she can't offer a relationship right now.

 

2. This new "job" which surfaced all of the issues that appeared in our relationship ends in one month. She is literally so busy with this all day that I can't help but think that when things settle down and Christmas break comes, she will have to reflect on things and really feel her feelings, instead of being distracted from them. Her life on social media seems like she is the happiest girl in the world and loving the attention but it seems like just a show and way of coping of the loss.

 

Maybe it's just my ego but idk. How do I get rid of that last bit of hope? My mind tells me that she is NOT coming back but given the circumstances, I can't help but feel like she might..

[suladas]

I'd really like to know how you get rid of that last bit of hope to, as i'm sure many other people would. I really don't know? My guess is to find someone else and start to get feelings for them and just move on. Short of that, I don't think anything else will do it for me personally.

[bpdr]

Closure doesn't come easy, for sure. Anybody guide my tears to that "DEL" button? Sure could use one about now! Just wait and see what happens...

 

One way or another, it all works out - then were left wondering why we ever posted up our innermost heartfelt thoughts here! STAY STRONG! Wait, and see.

[dreamstate83]

No contact!!!!!!! Block emails and numbers. The usual

[sarah_valentine]

Yeah I have no idea... I'm wondering too. Maybe we all wonder. I think you'll have to wait out the Christmas period though, and then try really hard not to make any 'but after __ it'll be ok!' deals in your head. I also think that she put her job above you. ie. You were not her priority. If you're fine being option #whatever then keep after her while she just lives her life, but if you want someone who wants YOU as their number 1, you need to keep letting go.

[LostOne1]

Do what I did.. return all the things she gave you.

 

In my case I did it hoping she would recieve it in the box and maybe re-find herself again.

 

Instead her parents opened it for some reason... I guess they found out about me and us and well my guess would be they flipped out on her.

 

All I know is later that day she kept saying how she never hated me, but now hates me, has no respect for me for falling so low as to returning her stuff and not packing it properly and that I have no respect for elders (I assume her parents?).

 

Anyways.. after that even though I expect it to show her I was moving on and ONLY wanted her to see it. My plan backfired and her parents saw it I guess...

 

So now I know she hates me and will hate me forever and well there is no hope. So I just try to think of it that way...

 

Yeah I do miss her at times and wish she would text me sometimes. But I just then tell myself shes done and shes so mad she will NEVER ever come back. And then I realize I have to look for someone else in the world, who will appreciate me and UNDERSTAND me more than my ex did....

[golk]

Yeah I have no idea... I'm wondering too. Maybe we all wonder. I think you'll have to wait out the Christmas period though, and then try really hard not to make any 'but after __ it'll be ok!' deals in your head. I also think that she put her job above you. ie. You were not her priority. If you're fine being option #whatever then keep after her while she just lives her life, but if you want someone who wants YOU as their number 1, you need to keep letting go.

 

Yeah I agree. I feel like the whole job ending situation is preventing me from fully accepting things/moving on. She definitely put her job before me and I have not been her priority for 3months. But it's so hard deciding whether to wait until this time or save me the 1 month of agony and just let go. It's hard when your ex gives you a choice of whether to remain in contact. When they tell you they still want to talk and see you every once in a while.

[KatZee]

Well I mean, there's no way in hell you'll ever get rid of that last shred of hope as long as she keeps hugging you, kissing you and telling you that she loves you in public.

 

If I was in love with someone and they kept doing that to me, I'd honestly never move on. I'd just wait for them to officially take me back. Because I mean what you guys are doing, it could be considered a relationship without the official title.

 

So if you want to get rid of that hope you need to cut her off. That means no texting, if you see her out, turn the other way, do not speak to her. If she goes to hug or kiss you, back away. Just limit contact with her as much as humanly possible.

[flitzanu]

yup, as katzee said. you're never going to move on if you keep hanging out with her.

[LostOne1]

Yeah I agree. I feel like the whole job ending situation is preventing me from fully accepting things/moving on. She definitely put her job before me and I have not been her priority for 3months. But it's so hard deciding whether to wait until this time or save me the 1 month of agony and just let go. It's hard when your ex gives you a choice of whether to remain in contact. When they tell you they still want to talk and see you every once in a while.

is 1 month agony worth it? what if 1 month turns into 2 months and then 3?

 

That's what happened with me.. gave her 1 month.. nothing 2 months nothing.. we talked, but she never wanted to sit down and talk and work it out.

 

I'm at 3 months and I finally gave up. I realized if a person really wanted you... they would be back within the first week or two.

 

When you let go it feels better.. no more agony of checking your phone and all. You just know you want to move on and that person never cared enough to reach for you to show they WANT a relationship still.

[golk]

is 1 month agony worth it? what if 1 month turns into 2 months and then 3?

 

That's what happened with me.. gave her 1 month.. nothing 2 months nothing.. we talked, but she never wanted to sit down and talk and work it out.

 

I'm at 3 months and I finally gave up. I realized if a person really wanted you... they would be back within the first week or two.

 

When you let go it feels better.. no more agony of checking your phone and all. You just know you want to move on and that person never cared enough to reach for you to show they WANT a relationship still.

 

I understand what your saying. And my mind tells me the same things but I can't help but think that when this month is over that it's possible for reconciliation. I don't want to think it, but it's almost impossible not to. We've been having issues since August but broken up since early October. The last time I saw her we did sit down and talk about it and she told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship now, there's noone else, and that she just needs her freedom and space. But she has been the one initiating contact pretty much every time since the breakup.

 

I almost wish she would say never talk to me again...maybe it wouldn't be easier but less drawn out.

[LostOne1]

I understand what your saying. And my mind tells me the same things but I can't help but think that when this month is over that it's possible for reconciliation. I don't want to think it, but it's almost impossible not to. We've been having issues since August but broken up since early October. The last time I saw her we did sit down and talk about it and she told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship now, there's noone else, and that she just needs her freedom and space. But she has been the one initiating contact pretty much every time since the breakup.

 

I almost wish she would say never talk to me again...maybe it wouldn't be easier but less drawn out.

We broke up in Aug to and fought in sept and didnt talk ALL of sept. I talked to her in Oct and things settled down and then in Nov things got worse.

 

The fact is she lead me on.. she finally said she wants to work it out. But then the day came she decided against it.

 

Don't put yourself in the same problem man... trust me I regret wasting and suffering for 3 months.

 

I wish I took everyones advice and went NC in Aug and never looked back. Then by now I'd have healed, and she probably would be begging me and saying sorry. But instead I gave her the upper hand, and now she feels like the victum and the right to BU.

 

All I can say is don't do what I did.. LEARN from my mistakes and others.. otherwise you will be like me sitting here telling people not to make the same mistakes.

[golk]

We broke up in Aug to and fought in sept and didnt talk ALL of sept. I talked to her in Oct and things settled down and then in Nov things got worse.

 

The fact is she lead me on.. she finally said she wants to work it out. But then the day came she decided against it.

 

Don't put yourself in the same problem man... trust me I regret wasting and suffering for 3 months.

 

I wish I took everyones advice and went NC in Aug and never looked back. Then by now I'd have healed, and she probably would be begging me and saying sorry. But instead I gave her the upper hand, and now she feels like the victum and the right to BU.

 

All I can say is don't do what I did.. LEARN from my mistakes and others.. otherwise you will be like me sitting here telling people not to make the same mistakes.

 

Yes you're right. Im sorry for what happened to you. I will post here often when I get the urge to contact her. It's been 3 days and I haven't once had the urge but I know I will again. I think a key is to realize when we start thinking with our hearts and pure emotions, to stop it instantly and focus hard on an outside point of view and logic..

[Delicate]

She sounds selfish to me. People who leave to "find themselves" ...most of them are just making up excuses. They're really just bored of you.

[golk]

She sounds selfish to me. People who leave to "find themselves" ...most of them are just making up excuses. They're really just bored of you.

 

Yeah I could see that. She had a 180 degree lifestyle change and it started right when that happened. Met so many new people, mostly guys (football players). This **** sucks. Tonight is a tough one.

[LostOne1]

Yeah I could see that. She had a 180 degree lifestyle change and it started right when that happened. Met so many new people, mostly guys (football players). This **** sucks. Tonight is a tough one.

 

It could be she just got tired of the relationship. My ex told me she felt stuck with me and I guess she had some expectations and at some point I stopped meeting them.. and she waited and waited till she never saw them and gave up.

 

Could be the same in your case.. she saw something in you she liked and either it went away or she just got bored of it.

 

It sucks man because it makes us feel weak and hits our ego hard. We feel like we weren;t good enough and sure maybe we could do better.

 

But we gotta learn and move on.

 

I see it as a school exam we fail and we have to take the class over again. Yeah it means more time has to be wasted, but chances are you learned something the 1st time and now you know your mistakes and this 2nd time you shouldn't fail at all.

 

Same with relationships. Sadly they hurt more, because we revolve our life around them and take them more to heart. I do miss my ex, wish one day she will call or see me walking and talk. But truth is she hates me so much... if I was dying she would just walk away. It's tough to see someone who would die for you and now would leave you to your death.

[golk]

It could be she just got tired of the relationship. My ex told me she felt stuck with me and I guess she had some expectations and at some point I stopped meeting them.. and she waited and waited till she never saw them and gave up.

 

Could be the same in your case.. she saw something in you she liked and either it went away or she just got bored of it.

 

It sucks man because it makes us feel weak and hits our ego hard. We feel like we weren;t good enough and sure maybe we could do better.

 

But we gotta learn and move on.

 

I see it as a school exam we fail and we have to take the class over again. Yeah it means more time has to be wasted, but chances are you learned something the 1st time and now you know your mistakes and this 2nd time you shouldn't fail at all.

 

Same with relationships. Sadly they hurt more, because we revolve our life around them and take them more to heart. I do miss my ex, wish one day she will call or see me walking and talk. But truth is she hates me so much... if I was dying she would just walk away. It's tough to see someone who would die for you and now would leave you to your death.

 

Yea that's also a possibility. Four years is a long time when you're in your early twenties. I'm sure boredom plays a part in a lot of relationships at this age but it still sucks. That exam analogy is a good one though. I definitely feel like I've learned so much from this experience so maybe it's a good thing in the end.

 

But let me ask you a question, does your ex hating you help you move on and accept things easier? Because the last time I saw my ex about a week ago (haven't heard from her since) she was kissing me passionately and holding me saying how perfect our lips are, she loves me, and she will see me soon. I feel like maybe it'll get easier if she starts to hate me lol

[golk]

If she hated you, or expressed as much, you'd be here asking what you did to deserve her hatred. This acceptance of her affection is just as painful of course. There is no easy way to get out of a relationship like the one you've been in. You just have to make yourself walk away. No drama, no tears, no attempts at diplomacy. Like a band-aid, just rip it off and chuck it. The sooner you do, the sooner you'll be able to get back to the business of having a life. There is no sane reason to keep dragging this out. You were the dumpee and she's using you to fulfill some need to feel wanted, but she doesn't really care about you anymore.

 

Ya I suppose it wouldn't make it easier if she hated me but this drawn out crap sucks. I suppose I let it happen so it's my fault too. I guess it is what it is. I do think she cares in a "friend,person" way but romantically is out of the window definitely. And I already had the drama tears and attempts at diplomacy so I'm done with all that crap. She just texted me too something absolutely meanings about her dog. Really stupid.

 

I'm pretty sure she's going after a guy at uni (which she denied of course) but he's iffy getting involved because of the recent breakup. What really bothers me though is that last time I saw her I acted like a little bitch and believed all her crap. I don't want her thinking that she can come back whenever the new fling doesn't work or is lonely. I really want to send her a message standing up for myself and giving her a piece of my mind. I wouldn't be a A-hole or anything but just not being such a pushover. I'll give it a few days I think.

[LostOne1]

Yea that's also a possibility. Four years is a long time when you're in your early twenties. I'm sure boredom plays a part in a lot of relationships at this age but it still sucks. That exam analogy is a good one though. I definitely feel like I've learned so much from this experience so maybe it's a good thing in the end.

 

But let me ask you a question, does your ex hating you help you move on and accept things easier? Because the last time I saw my ex about a week ago (haven't heard from her since) she was kissing me passionately and holding me saying how perfect our lips are, she loves me, and she will see me soon. I feel like maybe it'll get easier if she starts to hate me lol

 

I think it does help me move on in some form. I mean the problem was she kept leading me on. One day she was so nice and loving and wanted to work it out. The next day she was cold, distant and almost as if I didn't matter.

 

And I couldn't live like that suffering each day thinking does she want to work it out or does she want to be done. Because if she wanted to be done she would have stopped talking to me totally. She even stopped ignoring me and had no anger anymore. Then other days she ignored me and barley talked.

 

And with a heart I can only take so much hope and no hope at once. So I got her to hate me for the rest of her life. Does it hurt... a bit. But I realize what she said to me was so hurtful, that her hating me makes me hate her more and regret her more.

 

I just think of how she said I was disrespectful for sending her things back. But I look at her and think of she is far worse of a gf to tell the guy she loves for 3 yrs that "she is with someone else". And then tell me she said it out of anger. She went on about marrying him next y, having sex etc.. etc..

 

I would NEVER tell my gf that even if I was mad at her. But she had crossed the limit and that's something I tell myself over and over. I don't want to be with a girl that can say that out of anger. In fact she always made racist comments out of anger too. Her anger was horrible she went from being sweet, cute and nice to this monster on a rampage. I had to lie sometimes to make her feel happy just so I could avoid her anger side coming out.

 

So her hating me doesn't hurt that much and it does help because what it did was ELIMINATE ALL HOPE. So it left me with 1 choice.... moving on.

 

I know she won't come back to me now, and so there is nothing left but to move on.

[golk]

I think it does help me move on in some form. I mean the problem was she kept leading me on. One day she was so nice and loving and wanted to work it out. The next day she was cold, distant and almost as if I didn't matter.

 

And I couldn't live like that suffering each day thinking does she want to work it out or does she want to be done. Because if she wanted to be done she would have stopped talking to me totally. She even stopped ignoring me and had no anger anymore. Then other days she ignored me and barley talked.

 

And with a heart I can only take so much hope and no hope at once. So I got her to hate me for the rest of her life. Does it hurt... a bit. But I realize what she said to me was so hurtful, that her hating me makes me hate her more and regret her more.

 

I just think of how she said I was disrespectful for sending her things back. But I look at her and think of she is far worse of a gf to tell the guy she loves for 3 yrs that "she is with someone else". And then tell me she said it out of anger. She went on about marrying him next y, having sex etc.. etc..

 

I would NEVER tell my gf that even if I was mad at her. But she had crossed the limit and that's something I tell myself over and over. I don't want to be with a girl that can say that out of anger. In fact she always made racist comments out of anger too. Her anger was horrible she went from being sweet, cute and nice to this monster on a rampage. I had to lie sometimes to make her feel happy just so I could avoid her anger side coming out.

 

So her hating me doesn't hurt that much and it does help because what it did was ELIMINATE ALL HOPE. So it left me with 1 choice.... moving on.

 

I know she won't come back to me now, and so there is nothing left but to move on.

 

Wow saying all that is messed up. She should at least have the respect for you to not talk about those things. So in a way I feel like that is a good thing though because you have a definitive answer, that she won't come back, whether it's true or not. And that's something to focus on.

[suladas]

Ya I suppose it wouldn't make it easier if she hated me but this drawn out crap sucks. I suppose I let it happen so it's my fault too. I guess it is what it is. I do think she cares in a "friend,person" way but romantically is out of the window definitely. And I already had the drama tears and attempts at diplomacy so I'm done with all that crap. She just texted me too something absolutely meanings about her dog. Really stupid.

 

I'm pretty sure she's going after a guy at uni (which she denied of course) but he's iffy getting involved because of the recent breakup. What really bothers me though is that last time I saw her I acted like a little bitch and believed all her crap. I don't want her thinking that she can come back whenever the new fling doesn't work or is lonely. I really want to send her a message standing up for myself and giving her a piece of my mind. I wouldn't be a A-hole or anything but just not being such a pushover. I'll give it a few days I think.

 

I've though about sending a final message to a million times, but I don't think it will do anything. Plus one day you'll want to send a nice one, the next you'll want to send a mean one. The fact is, if they wanted to reach out and try things again they would. Anything else doesn't really matter. Sure it could be good to say all the things they did wrong, etc, etc but does it help you in the end?

 

I had a tough time with it for a while and really wanted to. But I just kept putting it off now I don't care that much. My attitude is I reached out, she didn't do anything, so why try again? It would be SO easy for her to reach out, and she hasn't so why should I? We haven't spoke in almost 4 months, if it doesn't bother her, I shouldn't let it bother me. And it was tough, still is a bit but for the most part I don't even care anymore.

 

This week i've went most of the days without even thinking about her, I only do a bit coming home and being reminded but pretty much zero emotion attached. I'm pretty content with being single right now actually. But then again, the biggest reason I don't think of her is because I have to much other crap going on in my life that is a lot more important which honestly has helped me get over her a lot. Although some days it would be really good to have someone there to talk to besides for family and friends, because it's different.

 

But in the end, only you can decide what is the best way to go. I still think of sending a message one day, who knows if I will or not.

Edited November 16, 2012 by suladas

[LostOne1]

Wow saying all that is messed up. She should at least have the respect for you to not talk about those things. So in a way I feel like that is a good thing though because you have a definitive answer, that she won't come back, whether it's true or not. And that's something to focus on.

yeah that's the thing.. now when I think about it fighting for her wasn't worth it.

 

I mean I basically get bugging her the day after she got back into town from her 2 month trip. I asked her to meet me, as we were supposed to meet for out anniversary and she BU with me about 2-3 weeks before she got back. So I said let's sit down and talk and I slowly did get aggressive, because I felt led on by her. She told me while she BU with me that she would still see me when she got back.

 

Next thing I know all she keeps on saying is "I'm not yours anymore".

Which to me meant that if shes not mines.. then she;s someone else's now? or as another girl told me it could mean she has no one else, but she is associating me NOT being part of her life anymore.

 

Anyways from there I bugged her and asked her why she lead me on and got mad.

 

That's when she said "do you want the truth... I'm with someone else"

I asked her if it was the guy that was her new friend and she said yes and that he took care of her when I didn't etc.. etc.. marrying him and all.

 

I was stupid too, because I just let her get the best of me and my pain and anger. I kinda wish I had just left her a lone. At least I wouldn't have to hear it and I'd just assume it was over.

 

That's the only thing that helps me move on. Is that she hurt me by saying that and never said sorry or regretted it. But she expected me to say sorry for everything else. It hurt to know her pain only mattered and she didn't understand I was in pain too. That's why I asked her to meet me and sit down and talk.

 

But that's how it is I suppose...

 

My advice is as always if someone breaks up with you, talk to them nicely tell them how you don't want it but you will accept it and go on NC and move on. Sure they might come back, but at least it's on your own terms.

[LostOne1]

I've though about sending a final message to a million times, but I don't think it will do anything. Plus one day you'll want to send a nice one, the next you'll want to send a mean one. The fact is, if they wanted to reach out and try things again they would. Anything else doesn't really matter. Sure it could be good to say all the things they did wrong, etc, etc but does it help you in the end?

 

I had a tough time with it for a while and really wanted to. But I just kept putting it off now I don't care that much. My attitude is I reached out, she didn't do anything, so why try again? It would be SO easy for her to reach out, and she hasn't so why should I? We haven't spoke in almost 4 months, if it doesn't bother her, I shouldn't let it bother me. And it was tough, still is a bit but for the most part I don't even care anymore.

 

This week i've went most of the days without even thinking about her, I only do a bit coming home and being reminded but pretty much zero emotion attached. I'm pretty content with being single right now actually. But then again, the biggest reason I don't think of her is because I have to much other crap going on in my life that is a lot more important which honestly has helped me get over her a lot. Although some days it would be really good to have someone there to talk to besides for family and friends, because it's different.

 

But in the end, only you can decide what is the best way to go. I still think of sending a message one day, who knows if I will or not.

It depends when I was with my ex she had her ex call often maybe every month. She hated it and kept telling him it was over.

 

My ex is the type when she's done with someone... she's done.. Which is why I had a small hope to win her back.

 

I thought my chances were high, because everything she DID with me she has NEVER done it with another guy ever. She never introduced a guy to her family before, never vacationed with one... never met a guys family etc.. So I felt the connection we had is still there, but she's in too much pain to realize it.

 

I think contacting her is worthless. I did send my ex a thanks and bye text to be nice 2-3 weeks ago. She hates me bad now that she never replied. I didn't expect it either, she did say she will never reply to me again.

 

But I felt like the better person to thank her for what she has done for me in the past. Out of all the relationships she was the one that loved me the most. She BU because I didn't try hard enough to communicate while she was gone 4 hrs away for 2 months. I had my own issues too, but she didn't want to hear them.

 

It is what it is.. all I can say is sending a final msg means nothing.. the ex won't care and you will hurt a bit and then not care either.

[suladas]

It depends when I was with my ex she had her ex call often maybe every month. She hated it and kept telling him it was over.

 

My ex is the type when she's done with someone... she's done.. Which is why I had a small hope to win her back.

 

I thought my chances were high, because everything she DID with me she has NEVER done it with another guy ever. She never introduced a guy to her family before, never vacationed with one... never met a guys family etc.. So I felt the connection we had is still there, but she's in too much pain to realize it.

 

I think contacting her is worthless. I did send my ex a thanks and bye text to be nice 2-3 weeks ago. She hates me bad now that she never replied. I didn't expect it either, she did say she will never reply to me again.

 

But I felt like the better person to thank her for what she has done for me in the past. Out of all the relationships she was the one that loved me the most. She BU because I didn't try hard enough to communicate while she was gone 4 hrs away for 2 months. I had my own issues too, but she didn't want to hear them.

 

It is what it is.. all I can say is sending a final msg means nothing.. the ex won't care and you will hurt a bit and then not care either.

 

I'm in no rush, I mean my opinion on it changes all the time. I use to really want to patch things up and become friendly again. Lately I would be happy never talking to her again and I just don't care anymore. But because we live next door to each other, I would like to move on and clear the air and just forget it all and be able to talk again (assuming she wants it to or even cares). So that is why I was thinking of just making the effort to do so. The way I see it, I have nothing to loose I have no emotion attached to it anymore.

 

I know i'm assuming off of very little, but for a while I am 99% sure she went out of her way to avoid running into me outside, which I don't want her to feel like she needs to do. I mean I am pretty sure if her attitude was I don't care she wouldn't care about seeing me.

 

I mean I have zero interest in being her friend or anything, but we are going to run into each other, and need to talk just by nature of being neighbors so I know i'd like it much better if the air was cleared.

[golk]

It's so strange how some days can be so much easier and some can be soooo hard lol. This whole week went by and I got one text from her. Up until right now, it's been surprisingly easy to distract myself. Tonight for no apparent reason is just really getting to me and I can't figure it out! Driving me nuts right now!