Allumere Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I'd like to hear your experience. Mine? Great beginning, not so good ending. Got along great, shared everything, passion fillied, made plans, introduced as the one, meet friends, talked marriage down the road, looked at houses, did family trips, promises made....the fade, the breakup over the phone, their immediate jump into a relationship, and the disappointment of knowing that he had started looking long before he ended things.
coffeebean201 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Hopefully it is an experience you never go through again. The breakup feels contrived, which is why it is so upsetting. Maybe they like the constant attention, and can't handle a steady routine? Most guys aren't like that. But there definitely are some, and they will never change.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I think of myself as a former "serial monogamist" and I don't feel like there was anything wrong with it. I was and am a monogamous type of person. I was not ready to make a lifetime commitment. So, I had a series of monogamous relationships. I feel like the guys who were in them with me were of the same mindset. We lived together in more than one case, we knew each others' families and spent the holidays together, we took vacations together, we were a "family" ourselves. Just no permanent promises about the eternal future. I did come close to marriage once during that time; he wanted to as well, but it was not the right time or situation. Good thing we didn't.
carhill Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I don't think I've not dated, LTR'd or married one (serial monogamist). Pretty normal. Some overlapped, meaning the endings and beginnings were nebulous and not clearly defined, some didn't. They were great teachers of 'live today; tomorrow is unknown'. Discussed casually, most past female friends thought me a bit 'different' for taking alone time between pursuing dating/relationships. Evidently that's outlier, for a man anyway. That's my experience.
Mme. Chaucer Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 most past female friends thought me a bit 'different' for taking alone time between pursuing dating/relationships. Evidently that's outlier, for a man anyway. That's my experience. Even though I do consider myself a former serial monogamist, I did take time between … most of them.
scratch Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 Got along great, shared everything, passion fillied, made plans, introduced as the one, meet friends, talked marriage down the road, looked at houses, did family trips, promises made....the fade, the breakup over the phone, their immediate jump into a relationship, and the disappointment of knowing that he had started looking long before he ended things. The term "serial monogamist" is pretty frustrating to hear as a pejorative slight. What are the alternatives? 1. Date nobody. Assuming you want to date in any way, this is a failure. You will draw criticism as a a loser or a social retard. 2. Date multiple people. You will draw criticism as a player, or slut, or immature, or whatever. 3. Date one person at a time. You apparently will draw criticism as a serial monogamist. So, let's see what's left. Finding the "one" and remaining in that relationship for the rest of your life. If you want that, and are able to do that, more power to you. But it isn't easy. You know what is easy? Placing negative labels on everyone who doesn't want from us exactly what we want from them, exactly when we want it from them. Take your serial monogamy complaint and shove it. 1
ascendotum Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 I actually think this happens a fair bit out there, these days. Some of its due to just being in a relationship because they hate being single, and want the security and regular sex but know the person is not really what they want long term. Others will do it because they just want to experience the honeymoon period of relationship and cant handle things when things settle down and become mundane. Others will do because they are scared of commitment. Others will do it because they have lots of options, and they get to enjoy a quality partner in a loving & supportive & fulfilling relationship but also want to enjoy tasting more variety in life. It does hurt naturally of course especially when they move on to someone new so quick, because it leaves you with the feeling you were not all that special to them. The discussions of the long term future will then seem like such hollow talk. So, let's see what's left. Finding the "one" and remaining in that relationship for the rest of your life. If you want that, and are able to do that, more power to you. But it isn't easy. That's right. 2
plainjane79 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 My first boyfriend was, I suppose, what you'd call a "serial monogamist"...I was his first girlfriend from 18-20 but after we broke up (my initiation) he went on to have a constant succession of serious relationships with girls, all of whom broke up with him for no good reason, until he met a girl who became his girlfriend and stayed with him for ten years until they got married about a month ago. He was a super-good dude, probably one of the most stand up guys I ever dated. But I sometimes got the impression that he didn't really have much of a personality, he just kind of wanted a girlfriend for the sake of having a girlfriend and would "morph" to fit each successive girl's desires and interests. But then again, we were young...don't know what he was like the past few years. And I'm not saying that's characteristic of ALL "serial monogamists"...that was just my experience with this particular guy. As for me, I'm the opposite...I go four to five years being single in between serious relationships (I've had three) and most of my boyfriends after the first were exactly like me. But I think it might be nice to meet someone like the first guy again.
FitChick Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 You are either a multidater or a serial monogamist. Take your pick. Otherwise, do you expect to marry everyone you date?
RogerWallace111 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 The term "serial monogamist" is pretty frustrating to hear as a pejorative slight. What are the alternatives? 1. Date nobody. Assuming you want to date in any way, this is a failure. You will draw criticism as a a loser or a social retard. 2. Date multiple people. You will draw criticism as a player, or slut, or immature, or whatever. 3. Date one person at a time. You apparently will draw criticism as a serial monogamist. So, let's see what's left. Finding the "one" and remaining in that relationship for the rest of your life. If you want that, and are able to do that, more power to you. But it isn't easy. You know what is easy? Placing negative labels on everyone who doesn't want from us exactly what we want from them, exactly when we want it from them. Take your serial monogamy complaint and shove it. Haaaa, take it easy Obviously no one's saying that if you're a not a player, and not celibate, you are to be looked down upon. That fits at least 80% percent of the adult population. But I agree there is sometimes a negative connotation, otherwise you could just say "person who has had relationships". If there's a negative implication with the term "serial monogamist", I think it's that the person has co-dependent tendencies, and quickly rushes into new relationships out of fear of being alone (conscious or subconscious), or because they find life without the comfort of a partner to lean on unfamiliar/unfriendly. I admit I've judged some people I know for their apparent fear of being single. I know several girls and guys who have only had the "guts" to break off relationships theyve been in when they had another one budding. And have a history of doing so. I can't help but see them as weak in a certain way for that. That being said, if I still lived where there were tons of girls, and found one I was into right after my last breakup, I wouldn't stop myself because I thought being alone for a while would make me stronger or build character (though it can and does). It definitely wouldn't take me having one lined up to leave an unsatisfying relationship though. And I wouldn't hop into a relationship with someone I wasn't actually really into, or lead anyone on. In fact I'm happily choosing to not do that with someone whom I could right now.
RogerWallace111 Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 And regardless of the label you give it, being the type the OP seems to have had a run-in with is a bit lame and weak. A normal, non codependent type of "serial monogamist" would be one with a history something like this: Guy/girl dates someone for a few years, they break up, he/she is mostly single for a few months to a couple years, but doesn't lead anyone on or start anything serious with anyone until they've found someone they really are into. Then gets back into a relationship. That runs it's course, and so on and so on.
BeyondtheClouds Posted November 16, 2012 Posted November 16, 2012 What is the difference between a serial monogamist and someone who is in a monogamous relationship? What are the red flags? And why is serial monogamy so bad? Sharon Stone once said that while women can fake orgasms, men can fake entire relationships. There is the feeling that men crave companionship more than women and will say and do anything to keep a woman around until they get tired of her or find something better. I may have been in one of those relationships a few years ago. The guy was in his late 40s and a never married. He was also clumsy socially so he was happy to go along with whatever my friends were doing. While he talked up marriage, he suggested co-habitation, that is, moving into my place. I turned down the "offer." While he never proposed, he accused me of wanting just an arrangement. We finally broke up. In my current relationship, my bf wanted me to spend more and more time with him and at his place. I finally asked him then, what did he intend to do with his female "friend" that he never introduced me to. He got rid of her. And one time we got into an argument as I was moving some of his work papers off his couch so that I could sit down. HE got mad at me and I told him, well, if you want me to live with you, this is what you will have to put up with. And if you're not serious about our relationship, then I need to see you less so that I can find someone who is more committed. So now everything is progressing just the way I want them to and he is happy and keen too. One thing about monogamy at a young age, one couldn't possibly expect people to rush into marriage before the age of 30. there is just too much to do, including much more growing changing and maturing. If that causes someone to be a serial monogamist, then so be it. cheaper than divorce.
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