7 years, it's getting better

[bethelily]

If any of you have seen my posts from 2010 or 2011, you'll see it's been a little rough. But here we are, we went to a marriage & family group class for six weeks (which really didn't do much other than let us know other people have problems, too--we all do and really that was nice for us to hear); my husband saw a counselor once every 2 months, I wanted to see one but it seemed to work just fine having one of us go. Hubby seeing a counselor even without me helped our marriage, the two kids (one age 3 and one age 1) are driving us crazy and I can see how having more children definitely doesn't bring you closer, but here we are, the dust has settled and things are nice between us.

 

I deleted my ex-boyfriend from off my Facebook list and sent him one last e-mail saying that a part of me will always love him and I will always care for his welfare and hope he is happy and healthy, but I'm happy and can move on. It's been a challenge letting him go, but a loveshack person here told me to get rid of him 'cause the temptation was too great. So I did it! Not all the advice I received was good, but I chose what rang true for me and worked throught it. SO glad i found this loveshack forum. A lot of you all really care about people like me.

 

Last week my husband told me he was in love with me. It was shocking, because I swear it's taken 7 years for him to REALLY feel that. I'd said it to him a million times in the first 2-3 years we were together and meant it fiercely every time. And He'd said it, sure, but it just didn't ring true 'til now. What's interesting is that it's taken him 7 years to love me like my ex-boyfriend loved me after only a year. He finally knows me the way my ex-boyfriend knew me. You know those guys that just "get" women? Yeah, he was one of those and my husband isn't but that's ok. He's figuring me out and visa versa.

 

Some loveshackers asked me why did I marry this guy if the romantic love wasn't there--mutually, for us. I was in love with him, and he was just so freaking slow about falling in love with me, he said he did, but I just didn't feel it. Well, I chose to marry my husband because I just felt in my heart that we were a good match, that we had the best chance of staying together forever, and that together we would be good parents and I hoped my love for him would conquer all. (My love didn't conquer all, haha, don't EVER let that myth make you marry someone, but it is finally working out.)

 

Anyway, it's such a relief. I'm letting go of my past. I'm leaning on my husband more, and we have both acknowledge (finally, after 7 years) that we really do need each other. That we really can't go through life without each other. That he is uniquely the right guy for me and he'll show me things that will help me be a better person, and he's said the same thing of me: "You know, you really are good for me," he says after feeling like he got run over by a truck 'cause I've knocked down and dragged out his feelings and emotions (he's not used to facing them, but realizes it's a good and healthy thing to do). Gotta tear down those walls of fear to let all the love flow.

 

And, we started reading the book called Hold Me Tight. It's a NEW way of looking at relationships that no counselor has ever told me about, no friend has ever suggested, and I hadn't really heard much about it before. But the concept is, rather than healing yourself & learning how to fulfill your own dreams & not expecting your marriage partner to be your end all--it talks about totally leaning on your spouse, acknowledging you can't do this without them, and expressing your (healthy) need for them. It's telling that person that when it's all said and done, you really wanna do say "hold me tight!". You are two people with different wants and needs and dreams and emotions, but you lean on each other and work towards the same goals and find a dream you both want and knowing that you're stronger together relying on each other. How you get there is also what's in the book. I recommend that one and John Gottmans' 7 Principles of Marriage.

 

So. . . sigh of relief. . . I am no longer worried about our future together. He and I both are moving into the contentment stage. Boy we've had a lot of fights and fury. But he knows I'm a selfish brat and loves me. I know he's an emotional robot and I love him. He thinks I'm a great mother, and I couldn't ask for a better father for my children. And it's just so convenient for kids to live with both their parents under one roof don't ya think??!!!! (He and I are both from divorced parents and really would rather kill each other than divorce).

 

So here's to anyone contemplating infidelity, an affair, running away, bopping your spouse over the head with a frying pan--DON'T!!!! The effects are too long reaching. Stop! And love the one you're with. Fake it 'til you make it if you have to. But love the one you're with. SO much better that way.

[seren]

Bethelily, what a lovely, positive post. So good to read a happy ending (or should that be new beginning) story on here. All marriage's, relationships go through turmoil, it is what we do with that, that strengthens the marriage or breaks it.

 

After almost 27 years together and lot's of up's and one big down, I can tell you that it takes hard work, paying attention and reciprocity to make a marriage work long term, ours is dammed good, it survived the worse and has come ot the other side battered, but beautiful and I will say that sometimes it is only when a relationship has been tested can we see the value and strength of it.

 

I wish you and your H many happy years. xx

[BetheButterfly]

If any of you have seen my posts from 2010 or 2011, you'll see it's been a little rough. But here we are, we went to a marriage & family group class for six weeks (which really didn't do much other than let us know other people have problems, too--we all do and really that was nice for us to hear); my husband saw a counselor once every 2 months, I wanted to see one but it seemed to work just fine having one of us go. Hubby seeing a counselor even without me helped our marriage, the two kids (one age 3 and one age 1) are driving us crazy and I can see how having more children definitely doesn't bring you closer, but here we are, the dust has settled and things are nice between us.

 

I deleted my ex-boyfriend from off my Facebook list and sent him one last e-mail saying that a part of me will always love him and I will always care for his welfare and hope he is happy and healthy, but I'm happy and can move on. It's been a challenge letting him go, but a loveshack person here told me to get rid of him 'cause the temptation was too great. So I did it! Not all the advice I received was good, but I chose what rang true for me and worked throught it. SO glad i found this loveshack forum. A lot of you all really care about people like me.

 

Last week my husband told me he was in love with me. It was shocking, because I swear it's taken 7 years for him to REALLY feel that. I'd said it to him a million times in the first 2-3 years we were together and meant it fiercely every time. And He'd said it, sure, but it just didn't ring true 'til now. What's interesting is that it's taken him 7 years to love me like my ex-boyfriend loved me after only a year. He finally knows me the way my ex-boyfriend knew me. You know those guys that just "get" women? Yeah, he was one of those and my husband isn't but that's ok. He's figuring me out and visa versa.

 

Some loveshackers asked me why did I marry this guy if the romantic love wasn't there--mutually, for us. I was in love with him, and he was just so freaking slow about falling in love with me, he said he did, but I just didn't feel it. Well, I chose to marry my husband because I just felt in my heart that we were a good match, that we had the best chance of staying together forever, and that together we would be good parents and I hoped my love for him would conquer all. (My love didn't conquer all, haha, don't EVER let that myth make you marry someone, but it is finally working out.)

 

Anyway, it's such a relief. I'm letting go of my past. I'm leaning on my husband more, and we have both acknowledge (finally, after 7 years) that we really do need each other. That we really can't go through life without each other. That he is uniquely the right guy for me and he'll show me things that will help me be a better person, and he's said the same thing of me: "You know, you really are good for me," he says after feeling like he got run over by a truck 'cause I've knocked down and dragged out his feelings and emotions (he's not used to facing them, but realizes it's a good and healthy thing to do). Gotta tear down those walls of fear to let all the love flow.

 

And, we started reading the book called Hold Me Tight. It's a NEW way of looking at relationships that no counselor has ever told me about, no friend has ever suggested, and I hadn't really heard much about it before. But the concept is, rather than healing yourself & learning how to fulfill your own dreams & not expecting your marriage partner to be your end all--it talks about totally leaning on your spouse, acknowledging you can't do this without them, and expressing your (healthy) need for them. It's telling that person that when it's all said and done, you really wanna do say "hold me tight!". You are two people with different wants and needs and dreams and emotions, but you lean on each other and work towards the same goals and find a dream you both want and knowing that you're stronger together relying on each other. How you get there is also what's in the book. I recommend that one and John Gottmans' 7 Principles of Marriage.

 

So. . . sigh of relief. . . I am no longer worried about our future together. He and I both are moving into the contentment stage. Boy we've had a lot of fights and fury. But he knows I'm a selfish brat and loves me. I know he's an emotional robot and I love him. He thinks I'm a great mother, and I couldn't ask for a better father for my children. And it's just so convenient for kids to live with both their parents under one roof don't ya think??!!!! (He and I are both from divorced parents and really would rather kill each other than divorce).

 

So here's to anyone contemplating infidelity, an affair, running away, bopping your spouse over the head with a frying pan--DON'T!!!! The effects are too long reaching. Stop! And love the one you're with. Fake it 'til you make it if you have to. But love the one you're with. SO much better that way.

 

I like your screenname, Bethelily!!!

 

I'm so glad that the marriage is growing. That's beautiful!!! Blessings!!! Marriage does indeed take work, but it's worth it!!!

[JamesM]

Thank you for posting this...and I truly mean it.

 

It was one of those inspiring posts that seem to happen so infrequently here on LS.

 

As was said, I wish you the best and hope it only gets better from here.

[lulee]

am glad to read this, as i am a new wife and i keep hearing all sorts of advice and although everything and everyone is different it is good to hear that you pulled through a difficult time in your marriage. It proves that it is not perfect but that you can make it through the hardest of times, thanks for this post as it makes me feel stronger about my marriage about not letting go so easily when the times get rough as it will eventually because no marriage, no relationship is perfect.