Infusion Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 Sorry for the long message to follow, but please help if you can: I am in a very weird situation right now. Last night my girlfriend and I weren't exactly on good terms, and during that time she told me some things not known to me before. I was shocked to hear that she does not care if I leave her. When I asked her to clarified what she meant she got very annoyed and did not answer my question. Later that night she told me she said that because she thinks she has a terrible personality, which sometimes ends up hurting me. I think she said she doesn't care if I leave her because she wants me to feel less hurt most of the time. Yes, it's true that she can seem totally heartless sometimes, and on top of that she gets into very strange moods. According to her, her moods dont have anything to do with me that she just has issues. One time we talked about how good I am as a boyfriend, and she told me honestly that I am not perfect, but pretty damn good. So right now I see the problem as her feeling bad because she unintentionally hurts me sometimes; because of her personality. We both love each other and are on good terms most of the time, but somehow she can do very insensitive things once in a while, although I do not think she ever meant to. The other day we agreed to meet at the subway station and she was 40 minutes late. I asked her later why she didn't call me to tell me ahead of time, and she said she never thought about it. Surely I was upset at her for a while, but I didn't show it much. Then , that afternoon, when we were walking home, she got into a weird mood and told me she wanted to be alone, with a depressed look on her face. I wanted to know what was wrong, but all i got was reassurance that it wasn't because of me. After hearing that, I left her to be alone, although feeling half worried and half upset about what just happened. Now the story doens't end here, as she is going to university after the summer- to some place 8 hours away from me. I am not sure what's going to happen then, but she had mentioned to me that she will date other people there.... Talking about that some more, she also told me that she thinks our feelings for each other will come back when she comes back next summer. She also noted that she won't /dont think she will sleep with other people there, and that she doesn't want me to do that myself either. However, I just don't know what to beleive anymore, she can be inconsistent and changes her mind very often, and I just don't know how I should feel about all this. Did she want to date other people because of the pain she causes me sometimes? (I can get upset, but I don't mind it after a while, because I love her) Does she want to take the first step to end our relationship when she goes away? and then there's also my set of questions which I cannot find answers to: What will the 8 hours apart be like for the both of us? If she loves me, then she would've taken my word for it when I told her I didn't mind that she hurts me sometimes, and therefore, why the need to date other people? We don't always see each other on a daily basis because of our schedules, but in university she'll be able to see whoever she dates daily, which means they'll be able to do so much more in the same time frame, and maybe that will make her completely forget about me? I believe that if she dates other people there, she'll very likely get too involved and then that'll be the end of our relationship, or at least she'll have a hard time deciding who she wants to be with. You help is appreciated, I really cannot sort this out myself...
tanbark813 Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 It really doesn't sound like she's as into you as you think she is. The thing about not even thinking about calling when she was going to be late show that. And of course you're not a perfect boyfriend, nobody is. All couples have fights and all couples occasionally say or do things that can be hurtful to the other person. There are some things that clearly should never be done (i.e., violence), but I have a feeling you're just talking about the typical relationship arguments. She told you she'll be dating other people when she goes to school. There's your answer right there. At least she was up front about it. Btw, she's lying when she says she'll date them but not sleep with them. She's only saying that to try to get you to not sleep with other girls. Don't fall for it. Is she a non-confrontational person? I ask because it really seems like she wants out of the relationship but doesn't want to be the one to end things so she's trying to annoy you and push you to the point of dumping her. I don't think there's a whole lot you can do at this point. If you do try to stick things out with her and she starts dating other people while she's away at school, make sure to tell her about all the women you're going out with and how you're having such a great time.
HoldOn Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 I totally agree with tanbark. This girl is just trying to let you down easy. She doesn't really care about you: she unintentionally hurts me sometimes; because of her personality. Oh please, that is total bull. People can control themselves they are not like robots at the complete control of their personalities. If she didn't want to hurt you, she wouldn't. End of story. Did she want to date other people because of the pain she causes me sometimes? No, she wants to date other people because she wants to date other people. And she doesn't want to be exclusive with you. I think she likes to cause you pain, that why she does it. She gets to have control over you and isn't that fun!! I'm sure you won't break up with her because you think you are in love, but here is your wake up call. SHE IS NOT IN LOVE WITH YOU. Sorry man.
Author Infusion Posted August 5, 2004 Author Posted August 5, 2004 She is one of those girls who have a hard time talking about her feelings with me, even though I am always able to talk about mine with her. Whenever I ask her how she feels she often gets very irritated and soon enough gets mad as well. We have 3 more weeks together before she leaves and she has even made up a list of all the things she wants to do with me. To her friends, she is a very caring, reliable, dependable person, but I don't always see her the same to me, even though I know she cares about me. Is it because I am a boyfriend to her and not a friend? In her little mind she thinks that her friends are more important than boyfriends because 'friends are forever', and she tells me that I'll understand when I make very good friends. It's things like that which gets me upset or hurt at times. When she told her friend what she said to me, they said she was very hurtful, and she said she was surprised. But allright, she does have decent friends, although still, I cant see why I should mean any less to her. About violence; no we dont have physical fights, and sometimes when we get upset at each other she's the one to resolve the conflict. It's very confusing isn't it? I think I'll spend these 3 more weeks with her and see how things progress, if she's going to leave me later on, there's nothing I can do about that, except maybe wish her a happy little life? Although I strongly believe that it's really the way she is as a person that makes her so hurtful, and I also believe that goes for anyone she'll date too. Perhaps this distance she's created by going so far away is good, as it gives her time to mature her mind or to become a better person? Can I even expect that to happen? Or am I just giving her excuses? Sometimes though, I do get thoughts of whether or not she's worth it, but I always end up telling myself that those spur-of-the-moment thoughts shouldn't mean anything, and that I'll just be silly to rely on them.
HoldOn Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 Man, you are blinded by your feelings, so there's nothing I can tell you. Yes, I think you are just making excuses. If someone treats you badly, then they are treating you badly. Why does there have to be a reason? I used to have this friend that was a total b!tch. I would tell her she was being mean and she would just say, "Well, I am a b!tch that's my personality and I can't help it!" I think that's total bull. I couldn't control her, but I could push her out of my life and never talk to her again! The fact that she is good to her friends and not to you: This shows that she is capable of being nice, but she is just not nice to you. Hmmmm. How does that make you feel? I guess it's not her personality afterall. She knows that she can treat you badly and you'll just lick it up and ask for more. That's why she doesn't respect you. I think you should date other people. I wish that I had broken up with my bf before college, then I could have met all kinds of nice people! Instead of being stuck with someone 12 hours away. We could date other people too! This always leads to a break up.
tanbark813 Posted August 5, 2004 Posted August 5, 2004 Originally posted by Infusion To her friends, she is a very caring, reliable, dependable person, but I don't always see her the same to me, even though I know she cares about me. If she's different to you, then that should show you she doesn't care about you. I don't see anything in your post about things she does that shows she does care about you. Originally posted by Infusion friends are more important than boyfriends because 'friends are forever' Dude, wake up. Can you not read between the lines? She's telling you right there that you're not forever and that her friends are more important than you. Originally posted by Infusion It's very confusing isn't it? Not really, no. I don't see what's confusing about any of this. The only thing I'm confused about is why you want to stick it out with her. Originally posted by Infusion ...as it gives her time to mature her mind or to become a better person? Can I even expect that to happen? Or am I just giving her excuses? You're giving her excuses. It's not that she needs to become a better person, that's not even the issue here. Once she goes to college, you're not going to hear from her with the possible exception of the sporadic call to manipulate you into not seeing other people so she can keep you on the back burner if for no other reason than her own amusement. Originally posted by Infusion I always end up telling myself that those spur-of-the-moment thoughts shouldn't mean anything They do mean something. That's what's known as your gut feeling. You would be wise to listen to it more in the future. Good luck, man.
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