Consequences of no communication.....

[TPARSONS]

Last night I finally learned what my relationship with my boyfriend is going to be like if I stay with him. My boyfriend has an obsession that is causing major problems in our relationship. He knows that he has an obsession, but won't change it. He went throught a tragic accident recently, and now his obsession is out of control. And I know it's because he doesn't want to think or deal with what happened. The other problem is communication. He won't talk about anything. His first marraige ended because he doesn't talk about problems, and has no communication whatsoever. When I first met him, he always told me how he felt about me, and we could sit and talk all night about anything. But now, it's not like that. I tell him all the time how I feel, and he listens, but never says anything back. And because of his obsession, we never have any alone time together, or time at all except at night when we go to bed. That is when I try and talk to him for a little bit, but he gets so angry. He tells me he wants to go to sleep and doesn't want to talk. I tell him, this is the only time we have to talk.

 

Last night he told me he doesn't like talking about his feelings, and if he has a problem, he just doesn't think about it, and eventually it will go away. He said for his whole life, this is how he is and it won't change. I asked him if we have a problem that comes up between us, what am I supposed to do. Instead of talking about it, what else can we do as a couple. He couldn't think of anything. He said I am the one with problems, not him. I am the type of person where is there is a problem, I want to solve it right away. I can see this as becoming a very big problem. He did tell me that he has alot of things to deal with right now in his life, and he wants me to sit back, but stay by his side and support him. I want to do that because I love him, but in the meantime, I want him to spend a little bit of time with me. And I want to be able to sit and talk to him and hang out. He has all this time to play baseball and only enough time to sleep with me. He did say he doesn't just pick time to sleep with me. He does want more then that. But his actions speak louder then words.

 

He plays baseball. That's his obsession. I knew this when I met him and agreed to date him. But he only played two games a week. Now when he comes home, he plays a baseball vidoe game for at least 2-3 hours, and then plays all weekend. And when he isn't playing, his watching it. I know why he is doing this, he is avoiding his problems. What shoud I do. Sit back, support him, and wait? Or should I cut my losses? I want back the boyfriend I had 6 months ago.........

[LikkleMissConfused]

He sounds like the chap I am dating. Just stuck his head in the sand and doesn't want to communicate. The difference is my chap does say stuff but none of it makes any sense at all.

 

So in a way my situation is different because he is completely lost and doesn't know himself.

 

You chap on the other hand knows whats going on with him but doesn't want you to know and simply is also sticking his head in the sand. The longer you let this carry on the worse it will get. Be real understanding for a couple of weeks don't bother him see if you see a change, if not then give him an ultimatum, because if he can't appreciate that you have tried for so many weeks then he can't expect you to support him.

 

If he wants to live like a single man why did he get involved with you! He doesn't want to talk, I say there is more to this guys don't want to talk when they have something to hide especially if they have a go at you too.

[TPARSONS]

That's what I ask myself everyday, whey did he get involved with me? I asked him that once, and he said because he liked me. I asked him if anything happened to us, would he get involved with someone else. He said no, I don't have time. He also said he should have never gotten involved with me to begin with, but he liked me too much. The thing is in the beginning, he did have time for me. It wasn't until after his accident that changed his life, he has changed. With the exception of communication. He did communicate a little when we met, but that did end up slowly changing to none. Part in due to the accident, and part do to that is who he is. I almost think he only acted different in the beginning to get me. I never put up a front when I meet someone. I am me. All the time. I am sorry you are going through the same thing. It does help that I am not alone.

 

 

I love him so much, and am trying so hard to make this work. If he could go back to the person I met, things would be alot better. But I do now realize we are different. Our views of relationships are totally different. We do love each other. We are nice to each other, no name calling, no cheating. Nothing like that. I think that is why I am having such a hard time leaving.

 

I will try to stand back, do my thing, let him do his thing, and hope he comes back...

[HoldOn]

Well, I see two possibilities here:

 

1.) He is a jerk and he'll never change. The boyfriend you thought you had was a lie.

 

OR

 

2.) He's just a typical guy. Have you ever read Men Are From Mars and Women are from Venus by John Grey. When a guy has a problem, he wants to go into his cave and think about it, wheras women want to talk about it. It's no big deal.

[dreaming4ever]

Wow....when you said he has an obsession with baseball, I thought you meant physically playing it himself. But if his obsession is with playing it on a VIDEO GAME instead of spending time with you besides sleeping with you, then that's just disgusting. You need to ask him what's more important, the video game or you....he's being so selfish!! Try to get him to see YOUR perspective. Ask him how you are supposed to have a relationship and be close to someone that never has any time for you. See what he says. Maybe he isn't cheating or being awful verbally but you SO deserve better!

 

Honestly, if he's acting like this to you, how does the future look? You have to ask yourself that. I mean, my boyfriend loves video games too but he would never choose them over spending time with me. Instead we rent video games we both enjoy and play them together or take turns. Can you 2 maybe do that?? Hope I helped!

[TPARSONS]

Well actually he does play physically. But only once or sometimes twice a week. Usually doubleheaders on saturday or sunday. Which means, he is gone for about 9 hours. Games last 3-31/2 hours each. But I can deal with that. But the video games everyday, and watching it when he is not playing sucks. I have asked him which is more important, and he says me, but he has also told me to never give him an ultimatum. That I probably wouldn't like the answer. Now he does say that he is still in love with me and has no problems with me except when I complain about how much time he spends with me. About playing video games with him, I can't because the two games he has are online, and only one person can play at a time. I have suggested renting games, but he doesn't want to do that. I know what I need to do. I just don't want to lose someone I love very much. Help.

[dreaming4ever]

When you say you know what you need to do, do you mean break up with him? Cuz if that's what you think you need to do, I really don't know how we can help make it hurt less. Sorry.

[littlelady2852]

There is this friend at my job that has made the moves on me, such as holding my hand, ruubbing up against my from behind and touching my butt.But he has not asked me for a phone number or date? He is seperated from his wife, he is 53 and i am single and 41 ??Thanks

[HoldOn]

Little lady,

 

You should start a new thread...

[snilljente]

I too have read Men are from Mars.....and have read about the cave thing...my question is HOW LONG should a guy stay in his cave, completing ignoring a girl before she considers that it's over...my bf...has been under a tremendous amount of pressure due to personal problems...he asked for space and I did not do a good job of giving it to him because I was freaked out and aparently panicking.....I feel that as a result of this, he has completing shut me off for over a week now....i.e.. not returning messages...before he had shut me off...I have asked several times if he wanted to break up and if that was really what he was trying to tell me...no he said..last time we talked, he said he "really liked me"...What is a girl supposed to think about a stay in the cave that lasts this long....IM CONFUSED!!

[TPARSONS]

snilljente.....

 

I am sorry you are having to go through this too. It sucks. I am confused too. I don't know how much longer I can wait until he comes out of his cave. He has been in his for over 6 months. His family keeps telling me that he has told them he does love me, and wants to marry me someday, but he is just trying to deal with "the accident". I have gotten to the point, I want to leave. But I then I tell myself what if I was going through something really bad. Would I want my boyfriend to stick by my side, or leave? If I knew he would never change back to his old self, I would leave right now, and not look back. But what if he does change? It's hard to tell. This past weekend was great, up until last night. He spent alot of time with me this weekend. We went out friday and saturday night. Things were great! But then yesterday when he got home from baseball, he went straight to the video games. He told me when he was done we would watch a movie together and then go to bed. We started to watch the movie, then I got really tired and wanted to go to bed. So I did, and he said he would come to bed when the movie was over. I said ok, and left it at that. Well 2 1/2 hours went by and he still wasn't in bed. I went out to the living room, and found him sitting there playing a video game. Now, this happens all the time. I go to bed, he nevers comes with me, and always says, "I will be coming to bed in a very short time, or when this game is over." It nevers happens.

 

Am I wrong in being upset over this? He played baseball all day the day before (9hours worth), then had was gone yesterday for 6 hours playing. He could have at least came into the room and told me he changed his mind about coming to bed. That he was going to play a couple of games, then come to bed.

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. To me, that is disrespectful. Yet all he can say is, leave me alone. Your mad because I am having fun without you and not spending time with you. I tell him that has nothing to do with it. I just wish for once he would do what he says he is going to do. And if he wants me to back off until he is done dealing with his stuff, then he should stop telling me things. Or if he is going to tell me stuff like that he should do it.

 

What do you think?

[dreaming4ever]

Have you sat down with him alone and told him all of your feelings like this? Honestly usually works for me. My boyfriend and I used to fight a lot but since we've both been committed to communicating when even the littlest thing is bothering us, we're doing great.

 

That's a good start that your bf hung out with you for 2 nights. Have you offered to HELP him deal with the accident? Or talk about it with him? Does he ignore you when you try to talk about stuff like this or what does he do?

 

I DON'T think it's wrong of you to be upset that he doesn't come to bed when he says he's going to or whatever. I hate getting all excited about something my bf says he's going to do just to later find out he didn't do it...makes me so angry. I hope you can fix your situation...good luck!

[TPARSONS]

I have sat down with him and told him how I was feeling. I have offered to help him in anyway I can since the accident. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it. Talking about it doesn't help. He justs wants me to stay by his side until he can figure out how to deal with it. And I have been doing that, but that doesn't give him the right to hurt me in the meantime. I mean, he should be treating me good since I have agreed to sit back and wait for him. I know he will have his bad days. But he should still be treating me with respect in the meantime. If he needed alone time last night, then he should have never told me he was going to bed in ahwile. I told him every time he does that, he lets me down. He builds me up, only to let me down a short time later. I can't take that anymore. It hurts so bad. But I understand what he is going through. I know he needs help. He also knows that his obsession with baseball is getting in the way of him having a good relationship with anyone. That obsession ruined his first marraige. I have been so sympethetic with him, caring and understanding. I don't know what else I can do to make this better. Or make him feel better.

[dreaming4ever]

I don't want to leave you feeling bad but maybe there IS not much you can do besides stand by him and give him some time. Could you possibly suggest that he seek therapy to help him with this problem? I'm thinking no cuz you said he doesn't wanna talk about it cuz he doesn't think that'll help...hmmm....you know, guys can be stubborn sometimes....a lot of time they just like solving their own problems. Even if they don't know how. It's a weakness if they accept help...or at least that's what they have been conditioned to think.

 

I think you definitely deserve to be treated great. Especially since you're willing to wait out this bad period with him. Why don't you come up with little things you want him to do with you and build up to bigger things. Like for an example, he can take you to a movie or something....you're right though, this is DEFINITELY a complicated situation.

 

Can you maybe explain the accident and what happened so I could get a better idea of things? And why he's still stuck on that?

[TPARSONS]

The accident:

 

New Years Eve I threw a party at my house. About 100 people showed up. I hired a local band, who I knew very well. Things were going great. We were all having a good time, including all the neighbors in my coldesack. After we all rang in the new year, the party was starting to wind down. As people were leaving other people that no one knew showed up and were upset that the party was over. They started to cause trouble and a fight broke out in the street. My boyfriend and I went outside to calm everyone down, and these people started throwing river rocks at everyone and everything, including cars. Well One was thrown at me, and my boyfriend pushed me down so I wouldn't get hit. Then he went over to the person who threw it to tell him to leave, and that person threw another rock. It hit him in the left eye, and head.

 

5 skull fractures later, and a large laceration above the eye, he is in icu. His has lost complete eye sight in his left eye. And it will never come back. Actually the eye has died, and is starting to wander. Now mind you, he plays baseball, and was told he wouldn't play again. But he can play, it's just a little bit harder. The doctor's have advised him to wear eye protection so he doesn't possibly get hit in the other eye and lose that one either, but he says the eye wear is too ugly. The guy that threw the rock has never been found.............

[dreaming4ever]

Oh my god, that's awful!! I feel so bad for him! Isn't it possible though to get another eye that works? Or is that like a million kabillion dollars? Wow...I can't imagine how sad and depressed I would be to lose an eye. Props to you for standing by him. Not to say I wouldn't...I'm just saying I'm sure some girls wouldn't.

 

Ok so this happened like 7 months ago right?? And he hasn't dealt with it yet?? What is there to deal with....shouldn't he be used to it by now? Has he said anything about it? What's bothering him?

[chicasha]

I disagree...7 months might seem like a long time....but when you're dealing with losing a part of your body, I don't think 7 years will be enough to get over that!!! I mean...yes, he might try to be 'dealing' with it.....but there's no way he's going to all of a sudden be ok with the fact that he can't see out of one of his eyes this soon.

I think you are a great gal to be standing by him. I think your boyfriedn might be experiencing Post-trauma stresses, much like men and women in combat experience. I mean....getting bashed inthe head by a rock.....by some stupid coward while he was trying to protect you.......must be so hard to deal with.

 

I know....this is a long stretch.....and please do NOT take this personally...but you think he might be feeling a little hurt by all this, that this might not have happened if he wasn't protecting you, and it was your party afterall? Gosh, I do not mean to sound as if this is your fault, it mostly certainly IS NOT your fault. But, just wondering if he's feeling awful about it, and doesn't knwo HOW to treat you. Maybe he's asking you to stand by him, because this happened to him while he was trying to protect you from getting hurt?

 

I don't know....i'm just guessing.....maybe he just can't vocalize it, because he doesn't want you to think this was all your fault....but he's probably have major trouble trying to communicate this all to you.

Also...since the doc's said he couldn't play baseball again....maybe he's trying to prove them otherwise, so maybe that's why he's spedning all his time trying to perfect his game, and to prove that he can play even if he can only see out of one eye.

 

Maybe...your approach should be different if this is the case....maybe encourage him and let him know that if playing baseball is really important to him, that you will definitely support that, and will do what he needs you to do to support that. But...also let him know....that he is one of the most important people in the world to you, that you love him, and want to spend time with him, when he's not playing baseball.

If you let him know that the reason why you want to spend time with him is because you genuinely love him...but at the same time you support his passion for the game....maybe he will slowly start letting you back in....

[TPARSONS]

chicasha...

 

Thank you so much for your advice! I think you are totally right. I have been begging him to spend time with me, and to not play baseball. When I know how much he loves to play. And I never thought that maybe he plays so much now because he wants to prove to himself he can still play, with one eye. I definetly don't want to be selfish. I do want to stick by his side, and help him in anyway that I can. I do love him more then anything else in this world. It's a love I have never expericenced before with anyone. I have mentioned to him that I think he does the things to me that he does because part of him wishes he hadn't met me. For along time I blamed the accident on myself. It's been hard on me to know if he hadn't met me, this wouldn't have happened to him. But I can't think that way. Obviously it is harder on him then me. I am trying to be understanding. I just hope someday, he will be able to move foward with his life, and see all the good things. I pray everyday that somehow his eyesight will come back, and he can be happy again.

[TPARSONS]

Well I had a talk with him last night. I told him how I was feeling one on one and for the first time he responded. He told me how he was feeling about the accident. How he was feeling about us. He said he knows he plays too much baseball. He is trying to cut back, but doesn't know when that will be. He suggested I move out and get a place with his sister. Then he would miss me and be forced to spend time with me. He told me that when he gets home, seeing me is enough for him. I told him, that's not enough for me. And what happens when we move back in together. The same thing will happen, you won't want to spend time with me because seeing me is enough. He said he didn't know. I told him I havn't been very supportive of him playing and needing to deal with this. But I have never had to go through something like this. And he doesn't know how to deal with it either. He does love me, and does want me around. About moving out, he wants me to do what makes me happy. I said I didn't want to move out. Because what would end up happening is he would be coming over to my place or I would be coming over to his place and staying the night. That's what happened when we didn't live together. So I don't understand why he thinks that would help. But we agreed I will step back, and let him do his own thing. I just don't want him to use it as an excuse to do whatever he pleases. I have needs too. Some of them need to be met in the meantime.

 

This whole situation is very difficult on the both of us. We had something very good going for us until the accident. I just wish we could be happy again.

[dreaming4ever]

That's good that you talked about stuff. I can totally understand how you say you wouldn't want to move out right now...that'd be like a step back in your relationship...scary if you ask me.

 

Maybe what you should do is spend time with friends and have certain nights that you and your bf have to yourselves...so you don't see each other as much. That way he'd STILL miss you. He'd have to try if he wanted to spend time with you.