I ended my online affair yesterday.

[Lillyfree]

Sorry if this ends up being too long. I haven't spoken to anyone about what I got myself into yet...

 

We met in an irc chatroom - neither of us looking for anything. Clicked immediately and for a while spoke to each other on irc every day... Then exchanged chat client contacts. We told each other that we were in relationships (he's been living with his girlfriend for 4 years, I have been married for 14 - he's 36 and I 37). For weeks we talked every day, both during work hours and at home. We live in different cities but he's originally from the city I live in, and I lived for years in his current city. And it was all very above board and 'innocent'. Then we started mentioning that there were feelings creeping in - not surprising, as we are very alike and have so much in common.

He mentioned one day, about 2 months of chatting, that he was coming to my city and asked if I wanted to meet with him. I replied yes without thinking. Being with him in person made me realise that there was not only a mental and emotional connection, but a physical one as well. However, nothing happened. We had lunch, sat on the beach for a while and talked, then I drove him home. Well, nothing happened apart from him holding my hand and nuzzling my hair at one stage...But once I took him home, we had a hug and I left.

The next day we talked. A lot. And it was different to how it was before. He told me some very explicit details of how I made him feel. I responded with rude jokes and innuendo... He said he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he would like to see me again before he leaves.

So we arranged to meet for a coffee the day after. There we hugged, he held my hand, and we kissed. It was so hard to say goodbye to him. And through all this, it hasn't even crossed my mind that we were doing the wrong thing by our significant others.

He went back to his city and we kept chatting, every day. And most nights. it wasn't innocent anymore. There was a lot of sexual detail, and we've exchanged a lot of pics. We also talked about how we felt about each other, how intense it was. I missed him immensely if he wasn't around for a few hours...I started thinking that this wasn't right but I couldn't bear the thought of not being in contact with him. I thought that I would never meet another man like him and that I could be missing out on something special if I were to end it.

Month 4... I needed to go to his city for work. I told him that i was coming, and he seemed happy that we will see each other again. Then things got weird. He was distant, quite moody at times when we talked. He said that he's having problems at work and elsewhere.. I didn't ask as I didn't want to pry into his personal life - and it was easier not to think about the fact that we were both in a relationship. Then, 3 days before I was to travel, he stopped contacting me (I always left it to him to say hi first, as his gf was apparently quite jealous and around a lot, so I didn't want to get him in trouble). The day before I was to fly out, I sent him a message asking what was up, and that if he didn't want to catch up that was fine, but he should say so instead of hiding.

He replied 3 days later saying 'sorry I wasn't around, I wasn't around'. We still arranged to meet for lunch, but this time it was awkward. I came home thinking that it was over.

Once back at work, he started messaging me again. He told me repeatedly how much he missed me. He said that life was pretty bad for him for a while, but that it was getting better. That he asked work for a transfer to my city.

I didn't think much of that as this is where all his friends and family is. Then he said that his gf was coming with him. Over the next couple of weeks when we talked, he would mention her a lot - as in 'we're going there' and 'we bought this'. Spoke a lot about her allergy issues and other things. And every time he did, it was a reminder for me that what was going on wasn't right. On top of that he wasn't the sweet guy that was talking to me before. He was quite arrogant, and was online less and less....

Month 5. I had a couple of glasses of wine one evening and he popped up on chat. I told him he was whipped, that I was always the one making time to talk to him and he only did when it was convenient for him. I told him I hated him and shut the computer off.

2 days later he contacted me. He said he wanted to see if I was ok. Said that he's sad things got bad. That he wishes things were like they were before, but he doesn't think they ever will be. That 'we've burnt bridges and then I smeared manure over the ashes' that night. That what I said sucked and he called me a c***.

I was already feeling guilty and not very proud of myself, as I've realised that I can't lie to myself, that what was going on could potentially ruin my marriage and hurt my husband. Then all the bad feelings from the other guy came on top of that... I decided that was it, time to let go.

So I sent him an email yesterday. I said that I wouldn't just block him and disappear... so I told him that I care about him, that I will miss him very much - but that I'm not happy being anyone's bit on the side, and that there is a person who loves me and who deserves not to be cheated on and eventually hurt. That from everything he's told me, he's got the same with his girlfriend.

He replied with 'you misunderstood again, i never thought you were a 'hollaback girl' (?). and 'you've gotta do what you gotta do'. He finished the email with 'got the job transfer, maybe we'll bump into each other one day'.

 

I'm tempted to reply to him. To say congratulations on the job. To tell him that I'm doing this because I think it's the right thing.

I've been a mess for a while, but yesterday and today is really bad. I'm physically ill and my head is not in the right place at all.

Please help me. I've never been in this situation before. On one hand I am proud of myself for doing this and deciding to work on my marriage. On the other, I'm a complete mess and wondering if I'd done the wrong thing.

I get these stabs of pain in my stomach whenever I think of not being in contact with him again.

Does it get better? Easier? What should I do - do I just keep going and block him on email as well? What was he trying to say with that last bit?

 

Thank you for reading my essay.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to focus your energy into reconnecting with your husband and forgetting all about this other guy. You don't "know" him that well. Sure, talking online, a few times meeting, speaking on the phone you got to know him on some level but you know nothing about who he is, how he handles things, what type of person he truly is over all. Fact is, he was rude to you, mean to you, ignored you, disappeared on you just shows that he actually isn't that nice! Men who do that to people don't care about anybody but themselves.

 

It's a selfish friendship, one that was based on intense feelings, fantasy and on the expense of your husband and his girlfriend. You have a husband, children, a life built as a family unit..Don't lose all that for some online crush.

 

Don't text him back. Be glad it's over before things got more serious.

 

Can you imagine losing all that you have now? Over some guy you barely know? think about that.

 

Get busy and stay off the computer. Delete that email account, create a new one.

[Pierre]

I would like to add that talking to a member of the opposite sex on the Internet everyday will often lead to romance regardless of the state of their respective mariages.

 

Very happily married people fall in love with others using this method all the time.

 

And as usual the love feelings can be extremely intense and feel like one of a kind.

 

However, we know it is the same old s**** over and over again.

[Lillyfree]

 

Don't text him back. Be glad it's over before things got more serious.

 

 

I started typing the email, thinking I'll save it in drafts.. when your comment came through. Thank you

 

His plan was for it to get serious once he moves back. Actually, he mentioned that it would be handy for us to get together for some 'lunchtime fun' during workdays. That alone made me feel awful. And a lot of things he was saying are replaying in my head... And not making him seem like a nice guy at all...

 

I guess that at the time I concentrated on him saying that he was falling in love with me. And ignored the bit where I was just a bit of fun on the side.

[Lillyfree]

I would like to add that talking to a member of the opposite sex on the Internet everyday will often lead to romance regardless of the state of their respective mariages.

 

Very happily married people fall in love with others using this method all the time.

 

And as usual the love feelings can be extremely intense and feel like one of a kind.

 

However, we know it is the same old s**** over and over again.

 

H and I didn't have the greatest time for a couple of years, but all up it wasn't too bad. I appreciate and admire him more because he stuck it out and was willing to work on us staying together.

 

So I don't know what happened for the last 6 months. I'm usually a strong person, who thinks about things before she does them. This guy just completely turned my brain to mush.

 

Another thing, OM didn't say much when I told him that he's the first person I've spoken to online that I've met IRL. I have a feeling that what happened with me wasn't the first or the last time for him.

[whichwayisup]

I started typing the email, thinking I'll save it in drafts.. when your comment came through. Thank you

 

His plan was for it to get serious once he moves back. Actually, he mentioned that it would be handy for us to get together for some 'lunchtime fun' during workdays. That alone made me feel awful. And a lot of things he was saying are replaying in my head... And not making him seem like a nice guy at all...

 

I guess that at the time I concentrated on him saying that he was falling in love with me. And ignored the bit where I was just a bit of fun on the side.

 

 

 

This guy is just looking for an affair. Don't do that to your husband. Glad to hear that hearing his idea of you being his side dish has put you off, but instead of focusing on him being a bad guy (you both have crossed lines along the way, sexual chats, pictures etc..) focus on the pain you'd husband, and how it would mess you up, becoming a cheater and someone you wouldn't want to become.

 

This guy seems to have stroked your ego, made you feel good, the fantasy, the romance of "what if" land..

 

Write letters to him in draft mode but don't ever send them! This is your therapy, writing on here and letters to him, to vent it out. Again, do NOT send anything to him. Close that door and never look back.

[Lillyfree]

This guy is just looking for an affair. Don't do that to your husband. Glad to hear that hearing his idea of you being his side dish has put you off, but instead of focusing on him being a bad guy (you both have crossed lines along the way, sexual chats, pictures etc..) focus on the pain you'd husband, and how it would mess you up, becoming a cheater and someone you wouldn't want to become.

 

This guy seems to have stroked your ego, made you feel good, the fantasy, the romance of "what if" land..

 

Write letters to him in draft mode but don't ever send them! This is your therapy, writing on here and letters to him, to vent it out. Again, do NOT send anything to him. Close that door and never look back.

 

Thank you so much for your insightful and kind words.

Today hasn't been a good day. I thought I was going ok, then got home after work and started crying. And still haven't stopped.

I couldn't help myself, I took a peak on chat and he's blocked me. (however, i have a throwaway account that he's a contact on, and he hasn't blocked me there. probably forgot.)

 

I know that I shouldn't contact him. I almost did a few times today...

On one hand, I'm hurting because I can't believe he could be so cold after everything he's said to me. That all he wanted was a fling and at the same time telling me I was his soulmate. After making me think I was all that he wanted. That we were meant to be together...

 

On the other, I want him to be happy. Last thing I'd want is to hurt him.

 

And mostly, I'm accepting the way I feel at the moment (completely lost and empty) as a trade-off. That I'm going through what my husband would be if I were to continue this. It makes it easier to handle as I am that should be hurting. That's my punishment for falling in love with someone else.

 

I'm glad I found this place. Actually, reading through posts of those in similar situation gave me the courage to send the email yesterday. And having someone to tell helps a lot.

I wish I did it earlier.

[Summer Breeze]

You've done the right thing walking away. Be proud of that and I have a few pieces of advice.

 

Don't stalk him on the alternate chat address thing. Don't put yourself through that. If you're trying to make things right with your H then the last thing you should do is be peeking through the curtain at the AP.

 

Tell your H. Don't chance him finding out later. If he does then it doubles the hurt. You thought so little of him you cheated and then you weren't honest when you ended things.

 

Get some help for yourself. Whether it's a good friend who will give you a reality check when you get caught up in the 'what ifs', or a therapist to talk to. Find someone so you're not going through it alone.

 

He wasn't a good guy. He wasn't a friend. Why do you care if he's happy? If he is, great. If he isn't, then that's his problem. He doesn't care about your happiness so why give him more than he's willing to give you?

[FightClub]

Hey Lillyfree,

 

It's great that you've come to LS to seek support and understand why you made the choices that led you to how you are feeling now.

 

I'm a single OM who was once involved with a exMW online as well, my story is somewhat different but the end result is the same.

 

After a year of long-distance communication and a one night physical affair, a week afterwards I visited exMW's hometown for the first time and like you, that's when exMW broke off contact and went NC ( No contact ).

 

The thing is the fantasy is just that, it's wishes, expectations, talking about the future, soul mates, etc but the truth is at the comfort of knowing it's not going to come to fruition, it's a stabilizer on both ends of the communication; to feed egos, to supplement what is missing within themselves. The reality is actions speak louder than words, if you were both intent to leave your current lifestyles, it would have happened.

 

You'll go through different emotions but my best suggestion is to really look inward at who you are and perhaps what's missing inside you, examine your marriage with your husband, talk to an individual therapist and couples therapy.

 

It's been over two years since my brief time in affair-land and I can honestly say things worked out for the best.

 

If you'd like to read my story, feel free to check the link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/253073-never-thought-id-one

 

-FC

Edited November 14, 2012 by FightClub

[Pierre]

H and I didn't have the greatest time for a couple of years, but all up it wasn't too bad. I appreciate and admire him more because he stuck it out and was willing to work on us staying together.

 

 

Yep, your H is a great guy. I bet he does not go cruising the Internet for a hook up. I suggest you erase all affair emails and go 100% no contact. Unless you want to destroy your family. I realize you are not one of these Army generals, but the pain YOU will cause to your family will be devastating.

 

Your propensity to fall in love over written words in the Internet suggests a strong need for external validation which generally causes people to easily fall in love (with whomever provides the external validation).

 

You also need to see a pysch person as to why you were able to act dishonestly.

[MrVegas]

I think some of the others were right about why you going to his town changed things. Easy to make promises when your the OM/OW, as you don't have to fulfill them. Tell the girl all she wants to her.

 

I wouldn't say making this mistake means she needs psych help. What she did is make a mistake, and you don't need mental or emotional issues to do so. Unless Pierre you are advising her to get to the heart of why she desired this man. A marriage counsellor or therapist could work wonders if you are sincere in your effort.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you so much for your insightful and kind words.

Today hasn't been a good day. I thought I was going ok, then got home after work and started crying. And still haven't stopped.

I couldn't help myself, I took a peak on chat and he's blocked me. (however, i have a throwaway account that he's a contact on, and he hasn't blocked me there. probably forgot.)

That says a lot, doesn't it. He's blocked you. SO, don't give him the satisfaction of reaching out to him! All that will do is feed his ego and make him think ,"I can treat her like crap, block her and SHE STILL tries to contact me.." Don't do that to yourself. Find your ego and pride, that will keep you from caving. If you cave, he'll have all the power over you and he'll continue playing a game with you. He's a douchebag!

 

 

I know that I shouldn't contact him. I almost did a few times today...

On one hand, I'm hurting because I can't believe he could be so cold after everything he's said to me. That all he wanted was a fling and at the same time telling me I was his soulmate. After making me think I was all that he wanted. That we were meant to be together...

 

He played you (selfishly, not malicously) to make his life more exciting. He told you what you wanted to hear. You two were not meant to be together, he has a girlfriend and you are married. Don't get caught up in that fantasy of wishes and desires/hopes. NO WAY would this have worked out anyway. Keep telling yourself that!!

 

On the other, I want him to be happy. Last thing I'd want is to hurt him.

 

All the more reason to protect yourself and stay away from him. Leave things alone and focus on grieving that loss, letting yourself heal and spending more time with your husband.

 

And mostly, I'm accepting the way I feel at the moment (completely lost and empty) as a trade-off. That I'm going through what my husband would be if I were to continue this. It makes it easier to handle as I am that should be hurting. That's my punishment for falling in love with someone else.

 

You fell in love with a fantasy. Not really him. You fell for how he made you feel, so hollywood romance style! The thing is, because most of this was online, your mind filled in the gaps of who you think/thought he was, and he'd never live up to that stuff.

 

I'm glad I found this place. Actually, reading through posts of those in similar situation gave me the courage to send the email yesterday. And having someone to tell helps a lot.

I wish I did it earlier.

 

Keep posting! Glad to help!

[freestyle]

Another thing........wtf are you not furious, this guy called you a c**t??? That is the most demeaning ugly word that anyone could ever call another woman.

 

 

That's what popped out at me, too--when I read the OP.

oh HELL to the No.

 

ANY man who speaks to me with that tone is history.

Not because it bruises my ego, or my 'widdle feelings' get hurt......

 

I see it as a HUGE red flag that the man has a deep-seated, underlying contempt towards women, that can potentially manifest itself in all sorts of ugly ways.

 

Look at the extreme disrespect he showed his girlfriend---not only by having an online affair--but ALSO bringing her to the new city, having her uproot herself, to follow him--while misleading her into believing that she was in a committed relationship. Wow.just.wow.

 

 

Lilyfree--you dodged a bullet.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Sorry if this ends up being too long. I haven't spoken to anyone about what I got myself into yet...

 

We met in an irc chatroom - neither of us looking for anything. Clicked immediately and for a while spoke to each other on irc every day... Then exchanged chat client contacts. We told each other that we were in relationships (he's been living with his girlfriend for 4 years, I have been married for 14 - he's 36 and I 37). For weeks we talked every day, both during work hours and at home. We live in different cities but he's originally from the city I live in, and I lived for years in his current city. And it was all very above board and 'innocent'. Then we started mentioning that there were feelings creeping in - not surprising, as we are very alike and have so much in common.

He mentioned one day, about 2 months of chatting, that he was coming to my city and asked if I wanted to meet with him. I replied yes without thinking. Being with him in person made me realise that there was not only a mental and emotional connection, but a physical one as well. However, nothing happened. We had lunch, sat on the beach for a while and talked, then I drove him home. Well, nothing happened apart from him holding my hand and nuzzling my hair at one stage...But once I took him home, we had a hug and I left.

The next day we talked. A lot. And it was different to how it was before. He told me some very explicit details of how I made him feel. I responded with rude jokes and innuendo... He said he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he would like to see me again before he leaves.

So we arranged to meet for a coffee the day after. There we hugged, he held my hand, and we kissed. It was so hard to say goodbye to him. And through all this, it hasn't even crossed my mind that we were doing the wrong thing by our significant others.

He went back to his city and we kept chatting, every day. And most nights. it wasn't innocent anymore. There was a lot of sexual detail, and we've exchanged a lot of pics. We also talked about how we felt about each other, how intense it was. I missed him immensely if he wasn't around for a few hours...I started thinking that this wasn't right but I couldn't bear the thought of not being in contact with him. I thought that I would never meet another man like him and that I could be missing out on something special if I were to end it.

Month 4... I needed to go to his city for work. I told him that i was coming, and he seemed happy that we will see each other again. Then things got weird. He was distant, quite moody at times when we talked. He said that he's having problems at work and elsewhere.. I didn't ask as I didn't want to pry into his personal life - and it was easier not to think about the fact that we were both in a relationship. Then, 3 days before I was to travel, he stopped contacting me (I always left it to him to say hi first, as his gf was apparently quite jealous and around a lot, so I didn't want to get him in trouble). The day before I was to fly out, I sent him a message asking what was up, and that if he didn't want to catch up that was fine, but he should say so instead of hiding.

He replied 3 days later saying 'sorry I wasn't around, I wasn't around'. We still arranged to meet for lunch, but this time it was awkward. I came home thinking that it was over.

Once back at work, he started messaging me again. He told me repeatedly how much he missed me. He said that life was pretty bad for him for a while, but that it was getting better. That he asked work for a transfer to my city.

I didn't think much of that as this is where all his friends and family is. Then he said that his gf was coming with him. Over the next couple of weeks when we talked, he would mention her a lot - as in 'we're going there' and 'we bought this'. Spoke a lot about her allergy issues and other things. And every time he did, it was a reminder for me that what was going on wasn't right. On top of that he wasn't the sweet guy that was talking to me before. He was quite arrogant, and was online less and less....

Month 5. I had a couple of glasses of wine one evening and he popped up on chat. I told him he was whipped, that I was always the one making time to talk to him and he only did when it was convenient for him. I told him I hated him and shut the computer off.

2 days later he contacted me. He said he wanted to see if I was ok. Said that he's sad things got bad. That he wishes things were like they were before, but he doesn't think they ever will be. That 'we've burnt bridges and then I smeared manure over the ashes' that night. That what I said sucked and he called me a c***.

I was already feeling guilty and not very proud of myself, as I've realised that I can't lie to myself, that what was going on could potentially ruin my marriage and hurt my husband. Then all the bad feelings from the other guy came on top of that... I decided that was it, time to let go.

So I sent him an email yesterday. I said that I wouldn't just block him and disappear... so I told him that I care about him, that I will miss him very much - but that I'm not happy being anyone's bit on the side, and that there is a person who loves me and who deserves not to be cheated on and eventually hurt. That from everything he's told me, he's got the same with his girlfriend.

He replied with 'you misunderstood again, i never thought you were a 'hollaback girl' (?). and 'you've gotta do what you gotta do'. He finished the email with 'got the job transfer, maybe we'll bump into each other one day'.

 

I'm tempted to reply to him. To say congratulations on the job. To tell him that I'm doing this because I think it's the right thing.

I've been a mess for a while, but yesterday and today is really bad. I'm physically ill and my head is not in the right place at all.

Please help me. I've never been in this situation before. On one hand I am proud of myself for doing this and deciding to work on my marriage. On the other, I'm a complete mess and wondering if I'd done the wrong thing.

I get these stabs of pain in my stomach whenever I think of not being in contact with him again.

Does it get better? Easier? What should I do - do I just keep going and block him on email as well? What was he trying to say with that last bit?

 

Thank you for reading my essay.

 

 

 

I'm gonna cut and paste this and send it to a female friend who is in a similar place.

 

But, in an effort to help you, I just want to point out that most of what you gained and felt for/about this guy was the product of you yourself. The experience served as a gentle stirring-up of your inner feelings and your vulnerability, which are elements of you that would be nice if your marriage were (bringing out of the darkness fairly often).

 

Two people in the described situations at home, who are caused by (fate, or boredom) to interact as you did, are very typically oh-so-willing to just spell it all out, in words, outwardly, as a therapeutic awakening of a sort.

 

You did mostly very well in restraining yourself, and many, many others have gone much further toward such an emotional temptation. And of course it hurts, on both sides, because you were each forced to cease your seeming investment in the other very abruptly, and with no 'support system' along the lines of what we get from our friends, when our primary relationships break-up.

 

This evolved as it did because you gave so much of yourself TO it, AND because you have likely had to deal with its resolution all alone, while pretending that life is going on normally.

 

Take from the experience that you still have the ability to invest your emotional self like that in something, and then find ways to apply it to your marriage. So often the first step toward such a little skit playing out as yours did, is a communication breakdown in (two marriages) which leaves (at least) two people wanting little more than an outlet toward which they can express how they're feeling (without risking the immediate emotional risk/rejection that could be in-play at home).

 

You really CAN evolve forwardly and significantly if you find the ways to put forth your effort there at home.

 

Thanks so much for this post - more than you can imagine right now.

[Lillyfree]

What a charmer. Don't let this one slip through your fingers. Yuck.

 

OP, this guy did a COMPLETE 180 when you told him you were coming to his town. Suddenly, when it was time for you to enter HIS world, you were suddenly - and very ungraciously - pushed away as hard as he could push. Fantasy chatting on the computer and coming into your town and spending time with you while his girlfriend is safely at home a few hours away was ONE thing. But you being in HIS town and too close to his REAL life was a chance he wasn't willing to take.

 

The ACTIONS here are what you need to look at, not the lame typed words in a chatbox.

 

This is something I haven't thought of. But it makes sense now.

 

It's quite obvious you're going to continue humiliating yourself and reaching out to this jerkoff because you now want validation. You want to know you were loved and valued because he's taken your chatbox relationship and as most men will do, has tried to make it all about sex. How degrading.

 

You can either find your pride and dignity and cut this creep OFF at the knees, or continue to debase yourself and reach out to him hoping for a pat on the head and a crumb of affection. But don't be surprised when you eventually end up in the backseat of his car one night (after he moves to your town) for a special evening of "romance." Gross.

 

Aim higher in life. Please.

 

I'm not planning to keep reaching out to him. I don't want anything that he has to offer, even if it were a total commitment - not just me being his plaything. I've just ended things abruptly, without any warning. Just sent the email and blocked him. And I didn't expect him to reply - however he did. A reply to his email would not have been reaching out, just further putting things to rest.

[Lillyfree]

Hey Lillyfree,

 

It's great that you've come to LS to seek support and understand why you made the choices that led you to how you are feeling now.

 

I'm a single OM who was once involved with a exMW online as well, my story is somewhat different but the end result is the same.

 

After a year of long-distance communication and a one night physical affair, a week afterwards I visited exMW's hometown for the first time and like you, that's when exMW broke off contact and went NC ( No contact ).

 

The thing is the fantasy is just that, it's wishes, expectations, talking about the future, soul mates, etc but the truth is at the comfort of knowing it's not going to come to fruition, it's a stabilizer on both ends of the communication; to feed egos, to supplement what is missing within themselves. The reality is actions speak louder than words, if you were both intent to leave your current lifestyles, it would have happened.

 

You'll go through different emotions but my best suggestion is to really look inward at who you are and perhaps what's missing inside you, examine your marriage with your husband, talk to an individual therapist and couples therapy.

 

It's been over two years since my brief time in affair-land and I can honestly say things worked out for the best.

 

If you'd like to read my story, feel free to check the link.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/253073-never-thought-id-one

 

-FC

 

I had a look at your thread. I'm sorry that you ended up hurt.

 

You said that you would have liked further clarification - that is why I was thinking of replying to OM's email. Because the first and last one i've sent had the reasons why, but when he replied he either didn't get them... or was baiting me to contact him again.

[Lillyfree]

Another thing........wtf are you not furious, this guy called you a c**t??? That is the most demeaning ugly word that anyone could ever call another woman.

 

 

I too despise that word. I didn't say anything to him when he said it, just shut down the computer.

When he contacted me again I said 'you called me a c***... his response was 'yeah, I did'.

I was just too shocked and hurt to say anything more. However, that was a big nail in the coffin.

[Lillyfree]

 

Look at the extreme disrespect he showed his girlfriend---not only by having an online affair--but ALSO bringing her to the new city, having her uproot herself, to follow him--while misleading her into believing that she was in a committed relationship. Wow.just.wow.

 

 

Lilyfree--you dodged a bullet.

 

I know I dodged a bullet, a huge one!

 

Had he been mentioning troubles in his relationship, or that he was considering ending it... I would be more sympathetic maybe, and understand why he pursued me and kept contacting me...

But from things he was saying about her, and their life (not that it was very much, he was fairly closed off about that part) it seemed like they fought and had some issues, but stayed together. Him saying that they were both moving cities just made it 100% certain for me - he wasn't in a failing relationship, he was happy to keep her as a certain thing and do what he can on the side.

[Lillyfree]

 

Was your email really meant to get him to chase you? Were you trying to get him to "pick you"? Your email sounds very manipulative..

 

It wasn't meant that way. This is why I sent it and immediately blocked him (not that he couldn't track me down any other way, but I knew that he wouldn't try to). I didn't even expect him to reply to it.

'Picking' anyone was never mentioned in the six months we talked. I wouldn't leave my husband regardless.

 

Stay away from him. He was using you for an ego boost. He figures when he gets to your city, he will have you for nooners. He wants sex - nothing more, nothing less.

 

Are you okay with that, because any kind of attention from him is better than no attention?

 

No, I am not ok with that. That's why I ended it.

 

Tell your husband what you have been doing. Give him a chance to decide if he wants to stay with you after what you have done. Maybe he will forgive you? Maybe he won't? But he deserves the TRUTH and he deserves to know how badly you disrespected him and the marriage.

 

I will tell my husband. Right now is not the right time.

 

I am aware that I will eventually get over this. When I do I will tell H what happened.

For now, I will focus on making HIM happy.

[Pierre]

I wouldn't leave my husband regardless.

 

 

 

Do you realize you are not that different from this man. The term is known as cake eating AKA infidelity and not planning to end the marriage, cure for being bored, needing attention, etc.

[Lillyfree]

Do you realize you are not that different from this man. The term is known as cake eating AKA infidelity and not planning to end the marriage, cure for being bored, needing attention, etc.

 

I know exactly what I've done, and I'm not proud of it. I'm angry with myself that I got caught up in it all and consider myself very very stupid.

 

However, I've made a connection with another person and I cared about him a lot for a while. I still do - even though I now realise what it was that he was after. See the stupid thing again...

But not in the sense that I want to be with him. I just want him to move on and be happy.

 

I also did break it off - not just because I got uneasy that he was moving here. I sent him the email before I knew he was moving back. I wasn't willing to keep the long distance thing going, OR take it further in case we ended up living in the same place.

[Lillyfree]

I want to thank everyone who posted so far... Every single thing you've said has made sense. And every post helped immensely.

 

Something I failed to mention: I haven't felt happy, and my ego definitely wasn't stroked for quite a while. Actually, ever since he disappeared that time I was going to meet him in his city, he became arrogant and aloof. He made me feel bad most of the time we talked - either in the way he spoke to me, or just not replying to me for hours, even rest of the day.

 

There were little stings here and there, one of them as an example: saying that I kept an 'internet stable'. When I've told him before that I have never cheated before, and he was the only one I spoke to in the way that I did.

 

He said I was 'crazy' but that he was willing to 'put up with it'.... (this was in reference to the time I told him that I hated him).

 

So yes. I definitely didn't keep in contact because he made me feel like a princess...

And now that I'm processing this, I don't know why I did.

[Lillyfree]

I'm gonna cut and paste this and send it to a female friend who is in a similar place.

 

But, in an effort to help you, I just want to point out that most of what you gained and felt for/about this guy was the product of you yourself. The experience served as a gentle stirring-up of your inner feelings and your vulnerability, which are elements of you that would be nice if your marriage were (bringing out of the darkness fairly often).

 

Two people in the described situations at home, who are caused by (fate, or boredom) to interact as you did, are very typically oh-so-willing to just spell it all out, in words, outwardly, as a therapeutic awakening of a sort.

 

You did mostly very well in restraining yourself, and many, many others have gone much further toward such an emotional temptation. And of course it hurts, on both sides, because you were each forced to cease your seeming investment in the other very abruptly, and with no 'support system' along the lines of what we get from our friends, when our primary relationships break-up.

 

This evolved as it did because you gave so much of yourself TO it, AND because you have likely had to deal with its resolution all alone, while pretending that life is going on normally.

 

Take from the experience that you still have the ability to invest your emotional self like that in something, and then find ways to apply it to your marriage. So often the first step toward such a little skit playing out as yours did, is a communication breakdown in (two marriages) which leaves (at least) two people wanting little more than an outlet toward which they can express how they're feeling (without risking the immediate emotional risk/rejection that could be in-play at home).

 

You really CAN evolve forwardly and significantly if you find the ways to put forth your effort there at home.

 

Thanks so much for this post - more than you can imagine right now.

 

You're welcome. Maybe something that you can tell your friend, something that she can look forward to once she breaks it off:

 

-no more feeling bad for giving your time and attention to someone online instead of those around you who are a lot more deserving

-no need to keep your phone next to you in case he messages you. no need to worry every time H has your phone in case he sees a message come through

-no need to hide what you are doing.

-giving more attention to real friends when you're online. i've neglected mine as most of my time was spent talking to the OM. he would see when i'm online and message me... and i'd excuse myself from the conversation with my friend (actually, OM used to sometimes just watch when i was online, then tell me that he knew i was and when)

-so, no more feeling watched by someone that has no right to monitor what you do online

-no more waiting for OM to message you and feeling depressed when he doesn't.

-no more feeling guilty because what you're doing is dishonest and potentially very hurtful.

 

This is what i'm looking forward to. Once I get through this and the pain isn't there, once i'm not missing OM anymore, I will be happy and at peace.

 

I hope your friend ends up being in that place soon.

[Lillyfree]

update...

 

this is horrible. i have been crying every day. i have not been eating. i've tried to do some exercise (i've been doing martial arts for a little while) and ended up collapsing halfway through.

there's no one i can talk to. the only friend i can is overseas, and she has limited internet access.... she sensed in my voice when talking on the phone that something's wrong... i just couldn't get into the details. just said i'm having some problems and will talk to her on skype when she sorts her internet out.

 

i also had a talk to my husband today. said that i believe that there are issues in our marriage and that we should get some counselling. he agreed with me.

 

i've followed everyone's advice and stayed away from OM. it's now been 5 days without any contact. well, apart from me having a look on his chat profile (which i know i shouldn't have done) and this is what he's changed the message to:

 

Humans who accidentally find themselves in an affray with a wombat may find it best to scale a tree until the animal calms and leaves. Humans can receive puncture wounds from wombat claws as well as bites.

For those who don't know, 'wombat' is an acronym for 'waste of money, brains and time'.

 

this just ruined me when I read it. it was obviously left there for me to find.

[Lillyfree]

Thanks LG. He's finally showing his true self. And he seems angry-which is good if that's the way he deals with me walking away and not taking things further. Not good if he takes that anger and does something that will have an effect on my marriage...

 

I did a stupid thing and emailed him last night. The email just said 'i don't consider myself a wombat. I love you and that's why i'm staying away'.

Can't believe what an idiot i am. I can only hope he's blocked me completely and doesn't get it.