ThaWholigan Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Talking with my brother earlier (the short one) and he was mentioning one of the reasons why he broke up with his last GF. Apparently, she had been with 2 guys (which is not really a lot) before him who he knew, and it turned him off. He then commented that if he wants kids, he may need a surrogate mother because too many girls have "secrets". I thought about it and I was in two minds. Now, I'm in my 20s and a lot of girls my age are going to have experience, hell look at who I lost my virginity to . The thing is, I'm not really that bothered about it - obviously I will be more analytical if there are patterns that could lead to infidelity or similar. But I'm not actually turned off if a girl has a......ahem, "colorful" sexual past, as long as it's not ridiculously excessive (then again, look who I lost my virginity to). And even then, there are bigger dealbreakers for me - a history of infidelity may not correlate to high sexual libido. Guys can typically be very off about it. Like they don't like the idea that any other man has been with this girl. I find it to be a bit limiting with regards to a partner, but I am not one to impose my own thinking upon ones personal taste, so I support my brother regardless. I've noticed my brother's pattern. When he's picking a GF, he typically goes for the most innocent looking one. They are usually almost virginal in how they carry themselves - very cute, demure, reserved and even a little conservative in how they dress at times. It makes sense, because he thinks that she's all his and nobody has come close to her except him. I actually think that girls feel like that with him anyway, regardless of their experience, but he doesn't reciprocate and usually goes cold. Sometimes he's actually just cheated on them and faded away. It's caused problems and I've more than once had to have long discussions with him about how he can go about not misbehaving. He actually needs a more independent partner, but typically they happen to be more sexual. So he goes for the innocent ones, then he complains they're too needy and he wants space to go and make money and do stuff. I told him he's gonna need to find a happy medium. I digress...... Guys, how do you rectify what you look for in a woman with regards to their sexual needs & behaviors? Are the numbers intimidating or make you insecure? I would love for input from women with this thread too, because it's typically a hot subject - hopefully this won't become inflammatory. Me personally, it really depends. I'm expecting numbers from anyone I date, so it's not a big deal to me unless it's like super excessive or closely tied to infidelity/repeated infidelity. 1
Balzac Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I don't ask her #. My only inquiry is related to LTR. 2
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I was a total slut when I was a teen, from ages 16 to about 17.... I slept with men most weekends, who I did not like and who did not like me at all. I just opened my legs up to men, without them having to prove anything to be besides the fact that they wanted sex. I was very lost I an now 25 and would NEVER sleep around. In fact, I refuse to have sex with a guy unless we are really into each other, and preferably in love. I have also cheated on my other serious boyfriend repeatedly; he was long distance, and I cheated on him a lot, before he moved down to be with me. Yet I would NEVER cheat now, as it is the sh8ttiest thing you can do to someone you care about. 2
ls32ssibm Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 It would make me very jealous and insecure a few years ago if she had slept with, specifically, more people than I. I rectified this by racking up my number as high as I possible could.
Bristolius Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 In the 12 years I was married my wife and I never asked or told each other about our sexual past. There were some stories about sex and about exes, but never any kind of accounting or auditing on either side.
dasein Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Are you sure your bro left because of volume? or because of who she was with? There's a difference. If I see a woman being in lurv with certain guys, even some of my friends, no chance I'd ever move on that. Has foreclosed some options, but been good radar every time in years of retrospect. 2
kaylan Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 You mean 2 sexual partners in her life? Or that your bro knew two of the dudes she slept with? Personally I dont seriously date women whove been with guys I know. And if theyve been with guys I dont respect, I wouldnt give it a second thought...because if a girl sleeps with the kind of guys I dont like, then I already know we wouldnt fit. 1
Author ThaWholigan Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Are you sure your bro left because of volume? or because of who she was with? There's a difference. If I see a woman being in lurv with certain guys, even some of my friends, no chance I'd ever move on that. Has foreclosed some options, but been good radar every time in years of retrospect. Well, he probably can't be sure about the volume, but I think it was more to do with who the guys were, sure. But if he knows the guys, then it could come down to there being more to her past than meets the eye. My brother seems to be quite strict about it though.
dasein Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I'm no prude, but if I ever see a woman with a drug dealer, nope, even if I think he's a decent guy otherwise. Likewise women who fawn on bands just because the guy's on stage. Just a couple of examples. Sometimes it may not be a judgment of the guy himself, but a judgment of her selection process. One of my best old friends is kind of obnoxious, rude, a little too hip and trendy, every woman he's ever gotten has been due to him pouring alcohol down her throat, that's his MO. When I see that it makes me laugh at him, but turns me totally off the girl. I rationalize this as he can't do much better than that, but the girl sure can. 2
runner Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 i've never cared too much about a girls' sexual past, and numbers mean next to nothing to me. with regard to the past, i am mostly curious about her more serious, long-term relationships, the nature of them and why they didn't work out--there tends to be some interesting data that come out of those stories that make me want to learn more. ONS's, not so much besides: got drunk, got laid, woke up the next day, vomit, etc. for the most part, i try to stay focused on the present. you gotta be present in your relationships to really know anything, to really know what's going on. the past and the future tend to cloud my judgement (sometimes oftentimes). 2
2.50 a gallon Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 If I were a young man looking for a wife or the future mother of my children, innocents and virgins would be the last on my list, simply for the fact that if there are children involve you are looking at a investment of your next 25 years, which is a long time, and in this modern world I can almost guarantee she will get curious and want to find out what she missed before she reaches her 40's So I see a sexual history as a plus, as she has had her experiences and is happy to stay at home 1
TigerCub Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I don't ask #s - and I don't want to be asked either - it seems kind of childish at this stage in my life. All that I think is required is a clean std test result. The boyfriend I'm with now doesn't know my exact #. He knows I have a past, I know he has one - there is no point in getting into the details. We both got tested and we trust each other and that's all we need... 2
GoodOnPaper Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I think many guys hate the fact women can be as promiscuous as they want to but men struggle. I can relate to this -- I had a couple of mini-relationships where the girls always had options presenting themselves and I never had any. That created stress that was too much to overcome. In general, I don't think it's necessary to worry about specific numbers but I like having the sense of being in the same emotional life experience ballpark as my partner. That's one of the few things that actually worked out for me. If I was single now in my 40s, I'm sure I would be way behind any woman my age.
EasyHeart Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 At my age, I'm unlikely to run into any virgins (and if I did, I'd probably wipe her nose and tell her to brush her teeth). I do run into a fair number of divorced women who've only been with one or two men in their lives, which at first I thought would be fun, but they tend to be very inhibited sexually -- almost control freaks, as in "There is only one 'right' way to have sex" -- which I find really odd. When I was younger, I was exactly like your brother. But the reality is that most really attractive women are always going to be more sexually "experienced" than us, simply because they have much more opportunity and usually start at a younger age. That was true 25 years ago, and I suspect it's even more true in today's hyper-sexualized society (one of the few things I DON'T envy about you damn kids). I agree, too, that the LAST thing you want in a wife is someone who hasn't dated (and slept) around. A lot of the people in my age group are getting divorced and it tends to be the people who got married very young. Everything seems to be fine and then one day the husband comes home and discovers his wife feels "unfulfilled" and is leaving him. It's best to sow your wild oats in your teens and twenties; don't even think about marriage until your thirties. 2
amaysngrace Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 If I were you I'd look for a girl who doesn't always need to be in a relationship. Sure she's had them but if its been a few months in between having one is a good thing IMO. 2
amaysngrace Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I know some women that think it makes them look cool that the longest they've not been in a relationship has been less than a month. But to me that just screams insecurity and I don't want anybody who jumped from relationship to relationship. Now what if your gf did porn with an ex-bf and he posted it on the internet? Would you be fine with that? I was in that situation before when he wanted to videotape us but I said no. And it was probably a good idea that I didn't but I had issues or else I wouldn't even have thought twice and just said no so um...maybe not a good idea to be with her.
meandmyself Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I was a total slut when I was a teen, from ages 16 to about 17.... I slept with men most weekends, who I did not like and who did not like me at all. I just opened my legs up to men, without them having to prove anything to be besides the fact that they wanted sex. I was very lost I an now 25 and would NEVER sleep around. In fact, I refuse to have sex with a guy unless we are really into each other, and preferably in love. I have also cheated on my other serious boyfriend repeatedly; he was long distance, and I cheated on him a lot, before he moved down to be with me. Yet I would NEVER cheat now, as it is the sh8ttiest thing you can do to someone you care about. Wow! I think anyone who has that kind of past is a prize to get...
pbjbear Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 WhaHoligan you know what Im going to say. This guy youre describing is an idiot. I HATE IT when men that have casual sex and sleep around (which is the majority of men by the way) degrade women that do the same thing. I would tell him his girlfriend should not marry him either...since he probably has a higher number count than her...this means he is going to be unsatisfied and cheat on her. When he freaks out about this- tell him past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior 100% on the time and this applies to both genders.
meandmyself Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 WhaHoligan you know what Im going to say. This guy youre describing is an idiot. I HATE IT when men that have casual sex and sleep around (which is the majority of men by the way) degrade women that do the same thing. I would tell him his girlfriend should not marry him either...since he probably has a higher number count than her...this means he is going to be unsatisfied and cheat on her. When he freaks out about this- tell him past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior 100% on the time and this applies to both genders. I am sorry but this is not a contest of who sleep with more people... there are people who do not mind how many people you have slept with and there are who actually care and they are in their right to do so... the same way some people like women who are beautiful, or talkative, I like women who have some self respect and don't open their legs to the first one who come with some nice words... As it is my choice with whom I decide to be the premises of my choice are only mine... You are entitled to chose the person you want to date for whom they are and the past is what makes you what you are... If in the past this woman was a prostitute, shouldn't I care? at least a prostitute may have the excuse of being forced by the necessity to get that low... a slutty girl doesn't even have that excuse...
pbjbear Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) I am sorry but this is not a contest of who sleep with more people... there are people who do not mind how many people you have slept with and there are who actually care and they are in their right to do so... the same way some people like women who are beautiful, or talkative, I like women who have some self respect and don't open their legs to the first one who come with some nice words... As it is my choice with whom I decide to be the premises of my choice are only mine... You are entitled to chose the person you want to date for whom they are and the past is what makes you what you are... If in the past this woman was a prostitute, shouldn't I care? at least a prostitute may have the excuse of being forced by the necessity to get that low... a slutty girl doesn't even have that excuse... I am not making it a contest. You misred what I wrote. Giving his brother that response would call him out on his double standard. Here is another way to look at it. I had a male roommate several years ago who occasionally had one night stands. He was picky about who he got into a relationship with so he had dry spells where he would do this. He often described these women as sluts the next morning. To which I would say "if she is a slut then so are you" He said "its okay if a man is a slut" and I asked why? He always didnt know what to say here but his answers always boiled down to the fact that he felt female sluts are not capable of being relationship material, while male sluts are. Double. Standard. Edited November 28, 2012 by pbjbear
meandmyself Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I am not making it a contest. You misred what I wrote. Giving his brother that response would call him out on his double standard. Here is another way to look at it. I had a male roommate several years ago who occasionally had one night stands. He was picky about who he got into a relationship with so he had dry spells where he would do this. He often described these women as sluts the next morning. To which I would say "if she is a slut then so are you" He said "its okay if a man is a slut" and I asked why? He always didnt know what to say here but his answers always boiled down to the fact that he felt female sluts are not capable of being relationship material, while male sluts are. Double. Standard. I guess what makes it double standard is the fact that for a woman is not difficult to get laid... you just need to be willing... I won't defend men who do the same (I don't) but I have to give them that at least they need to do some work for it... Men are mostly willing to have sex so once a woman is in the game she will get it... Then again what I look in a woman is a different thing that what I see in a man, I would not want a woman who craves and look for sex in the same way than a man. If you look to any animal (not only humans) the male is always willing to put his seed when usually female are only open to receive that seed in a period of the month or the year (this is scientifically proof and it has to be with the survival of the species). Therefore the double standards... Sorry but Males and female are different... and is not machismo is just science...
KathyM Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Since you said your brothers have visited prostitutes and have encouraged you to do the same, I'm kind of surprised your brother would dump a girl because she's been with two guys before. That's quite a double standard he has going.
maybealone Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 I don't ask #s - and I don't want to be asked either - it seems kind of childish at this stage in my life. This is what I was thinking. Asking actual numbers seems like something younger people do. Other than my first boyfriend, I have never asked a man how many women he slept with.
pbjbear Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 (edited) I guess what makes it double standard is the fact that for a woman is not difficult to get laid... you just need to be willing... I won't defend men who do the same (I don't) but I have to give them that at least they need to do some work for it... Men are mostly willing to have sex so once a woman is in the game she will get it... Then again what I look in a woman is a different thing that what I see in a man, I would not want a woman who craves and look for sex in the same way than a man. If you look to any animal (not only humans) the male is always willing to put his seed when usually female are only open to receive that seed in a period of the month or the year (this is scientifically proof and it has to be with the survival of the species). Therefore the double standards... Sorry but Males and female are different... and is not machismo is just science... Hmmm...I see very few men who are raging manwhores past their college years that turn out to be good long term boyfriends and husbands...but I keep an open mind that some exist. A guy who is willing to stick his dong in any hole that is willing is someone who is selfish, lacking self control and impulsive. I dont write off men that do it sometimes, but a guy who does it alot has these qualities. You think these qualities make good for a LTR? I once dated a guy who had 30 ONS in one year and lied to me about it because I said I cannot take a raging manwhore seriously. Some casual sex is fine but if you go on a rampage for a long period of time I will write you off. I found out about it...turns out I was right- he was a very impulsive, entitled, selfish person. He will have difficulty being a long term relationship with anybody who doesnt have low self esteem. This science you talk about doesnt exist. Females now have the option to not have to marry because we no longer depend on men financially. I know tons of women who go against your stereotype. Also, there are men out there who dont have to work to get laid...kaylan is right- its not as hard as you think it is. Men who believe in this double standard are either entitled or insecure. Edited November 28, 2012 by pbjbear
meandmyself Posted November 28, 2012 Posted November 28, 2012 Hmmm...I see very few men who are raging manwhores past their college years that turn out to be good long term boyfriends and husbands...but I keep an open mind that some exist. A guy who is willing to stick his dong in any hole that is willing is someone who is selfish, lacking self control and impulsive. I dont write off men that do it sometimes, but a guy who does it alot has these qualities. You think these qualities make good for a LTR? I once dated a guy who had 30 ONS in one year and lied to me about it because I said I cannot take a raging manwhore seriously. Some casual sex is fine but if you go on a rampage for a long period of time I will write you off. I found out about it...turns out I was right- he was a very impulsive, entitled, selfish person. He will have difficulty being a long term relationship with anybody who doesnt have low self esteem. This science you talk about doesnt exist. Females now have the option to not have to marry because we no longer depend on men financially. I know tons of women who go against your stereotype. Also, there are men out there who dont have to work to get laid...kaylan is right- its not as hard as you think it is. Men who believe in this double standard are either entitled or insecure. The fact that women do not depend on men financially does not change the maths in anthropology... Males have a different sexual drive that women do.. Actually sex is the only big difference between men and women... I already told you that I don't approve man sluts either... I just telling you that up to my eyes the standard is not the same you like it or not.
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