nev22 Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I'll try to be as detailed as possible without dragging this out too long. A few months ago I met one of the most amazing girls I've ever met. We met in a college class and quickly became good friends. I move pretty slow with women because I like to establish a friendship before I try to become "more than friends" (This might not be the most successful route, but I prefer it). Anyway, I recently ended up telling her how I felt about her and that it had taken me a fairly long time to not only develop these feelings, but then convey them. We talked for a while and she told me that she had thought of me in a "more than friends" kind of way, but that she did not want a relationship at this point in her life. She then told me that her last boyfriend had ruined her emotionally and it really affected her negatively at work and at school and that she wouldn't want any chance of that happening again (we are both almost done with our undergrad programs so this is a key time in determining our futures). In my opinion that is a very legitimate excuse, but I like her far too much to be "just friends" again. I am contemplating breaking contact with her because the pain of seeing a woman who I think is perfect for me almost everyday and knowing that nothing can come of it is becoming too much to handle. At the same time, I would not want to hurt her in any way because she has become someone I care about deeply. Is it wrong to just stop talking to her even though I am suffering too? What options do I really have?
charlietheginger Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Your selfish to break off contact Becuase she wont date you.. She explained she was and is still Emotionally scarred from her last Relationship... Its not her fualt she just isnt ready Not with you not with any man... Sometimes in life people just wanna Be left alone... She may one day be ready and you Cutt off contact so she will end up With someone else
Eddie Edirol Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 From my experience when people say they arent ready for a relationship, it usually means that they dont want a relationship with you. You will see this girl with someone else soon enough. Even if she actually wasnt ready to date now, one guy will make her change her mind and make her slightly make her forget about her ex. Since that isnt you, you need to stop talking to her. Dont worry about her getting hurt, she wont be hurt since she isnt really attracted to you. I wouldnt believe anything she says since she isnt into you. People are looking for more believable excuses to avoid confrontation, and that looks like the honesty approach, but I think its a lie. Either way, the real reason you need to stop talking to her is because YOU will be hurt when she has to explain to you why she is dating someone else. Dont stick around to witness it. Move on to another woman, fast. And another reason this didnt work, is because you took all of the mystery, excitement and challenge out of it for her. I know you like your approach, but it doesnt work to build attraction. You cant get a woman to like you if you have to confess to her that you are really into her and you were too much of a coward to tell her sooner. You dont tell her, you SHOW her. You go in for a kiss if you think she is into you, and if she recoils, then you know where you stand. No need to talk it out, unless you are completely certain she is into you. Otherwise its awkward. Then she has to avoid saying how she really feels. She really only liked you to make her feel desired, but has no attraction to you whatsoever, or just isnt into you like that. She has to lie to keep you from trying harder, or a worse confrontation. Both people like to earn their way into each others hearts to a degree, just like how you built up to talk to her. But you took all that away from her. When she knows you'll do anything for her, without proving to you that she should do the same, you just handed your heart to her, and no one wants that. You have to give your heart in little bits. Thats how it works, and you will keep learning this the hard way until you change your approach. 4
Mrlonelyone Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 From my experience when people say they arent ready for a relationship, it usually means that they dont want a relationship with you. Furthermore relationships never happen when we are ready for them. They just happen, like thunderstorms.
FitChick Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Assuming what she says is true, what you need to be concerned with is NOW not some vague future. I faced something like that recently myself with a man who went through a bitter divorce. He is still angry and is more concerned with putting his energy into his business. We had chemistry and a great rapport but he is not in the same place as I am right now so I'd be wasting my time and his. I am looking to get married. I seem to find the right men at the wrong time (for them).
grkBoy Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 1) She's ready for a RL...just not with you. I've been told that loads of times, only to see this girl suddenly have a new boyfriend 1-2 weeks later. Usually the new boyfriend is no less of a douchebag than the ex who broke her. It's a crock. 2) Cut her off. She's going to probably eventually "vanish" on you now that she knows you want more than just being her "pal". Again...I speak from experience here. I won't knock you methodology. I do it too and I give a guy more credit for wanting to build something solid than just quickly pushing a girl into a date or bed. If women cannot see those guys are the ideal men for long term futures, then they're only building on the piles of baggage and damage that leads them later to being distrustful paranoid emotionally-damaged people. If you want to avoid the friendzone, simply don't accept it. Walk away. Show that if she wants your company, then she can take the risk and date you. If she dreamed of nev22 as her guy friend whom she has deep intellectual chats with while "Donnie Douchebag" gets to bang her and be seen as "the boyfriend", then cut her off. Yeah...I'm sure some women will think my tone is harsh, but I speak from experience. A guy cannot escape being the "nice guy" if he continually becomes the option for half a boyfriend. It was only when I cut these women off and walked away did my dating get better in some respects. Be a good man, respect women, reject the girls, and give your heart and mind to the girl who isn't going to hand you some flimsy excuse because she might only get her panties wet for the men she'll later cry and complain about. You're young...you'll find the ideal one eventually. Just be strong and put yourself first in some respects. 1
grkBoy Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Assuming what she says is true, what you need to be concerned with is NOW not some vague future. I faced something like that recently myself with a man who went through a bitter divorce. He is still angry and is more concerned with putting his energy into his business. We had chemistry and a great rapport but he is not in the same place as I am right now so I'd be wasting my time and his. I am looking to get married. I seem to find the right men at the wrong time (for them). And I'd say the same advice to you regardless if you're a woman. If he wants the pleasure of your company and especially the pleasures of your body...then he can put the baggage into the trash can and take a chance. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 And I'd say the same advice to you regardless if you're a woman. If he wants the pleasure of your company and especially the pleasures of your body...then he can put the baggage into the trash can and take a chance. This. Exactly this.
Author nev22 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Thank you all so much for your input. I guess the general consensus is that I should break contact. Honestly, I see no other way to handle this. It might be a little selfish, but I dont want to end up getting hurt even more from this. I'm in for a rough couple of months...
Eddie Edirol Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Furthermore relationships never happen when we are ready for them. They just happen, like thunderstorms. That is absolutely true. Next thing you know, you see the one you like with someone else a week later. So it can come unexpected, but people know when they wont happen, and they dont say " I will never have any attraction to you at all", rather they say "I dont want to be in a relationship right now".
grkBoy Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Thank you all so much for your input. I guess the general consensus is that I should break contact. Honestly, I see no other way to handle this. It might be a little selfish, but I dont want to end up getting hurt even more from this. I'm in for a rough couple of months... My advice...and I think this is really gutsy/manly...tell her why you're leaving. Don't just vanish, but let her know the next time she wants to hang or what not that you can't keep going like this. You told her how you felt, she obviously doesn't want that, but you feel you can't be "just friends" with her. She might get angry or give you flack. Stand your ground. She's only throwing a fit because you didn't accept the crumbs off her table. 1
Author nev22 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 I don't think I'm willing to try that. I get what you're saying, but giving her an ultimatum like that doesn't really seem like a good idea. I'm definitely going to wait about a week before I decide what I'm going to do, but I'll keep that in mind and it will be an option.
grkBoy Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I don't think I'm willing to try that. I get what you're saying, but giving her an ultimatum like that doesn't really seem like a good idea. I'm definitely going to wait about a week before I decide what I'm going to do, but I'll keep that in mind and it will be an option. I'm not saying you corner her with an ultimatum literally. Just distance yourself. If she comes running up wondering why, tell her the truth. I guess my point is men and women who do what she's doing should get the hard truth...that the person they think is so "great and wonderful" but they can't see past themselves to ask "maybe this is who I should fall in love with?" should see that these "great and wonderful" people won't be hanging out to play cuddle-buddy and "shoulder to cry on".
Anela Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 At the moment, I would say "no" to anyone, even if I was interested in them. Baggage isn't "just" baggage right now - it's ongoing - and even if it were, the person has to feel strong enough to deal with anything that might happen. She was honest, and even admitted that she'd had those feelings about you, too - not something that would usually be said if she wasn't into you at all. I don't know what to say. I see what you mean about needing to distance yourself for your own sake, but not leaving her to be hurt again by your distancing.
Author nev22 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 I should have re-read your post grkBoy. I see what you're saying now. I actually think that is a good idea, but I'm still going to give myself about a week to fully think all of this through. Anela, you pretty much said exactly what I was thinking when I started thinking about how to handle this. But how would you approach my situation? I don't want to hurt her, that's something I would never want to be responsible for. But if I stick around long enough I might find myself getting hurt worse like other people mentioned before. I'm so lost
Mrlonelyone Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 That is absolutely true. Next thing you know, you see the one you like with someone else a week later. So it can come unexpected, but people know when they wont happen, and they dont say " I will never have any attraction to you at all", rather they say "I dont want to be in a relationship right now". Which is exactly why "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" is a horse *** way to let someone down. It makes me wonder if people who use that honestly believe that they can choose to be in a relationship when the time is right. Do they even believe what they are saying?
charlietheginger Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Maybe she is buzy with work school Or wants to have time to herself.... Dont want the drama or feeling like She has to check in with a boyfriend Everyday If you respect her you will let her do Whats best for her.... And stop thinking of your own needs for once
Mrlonelyone Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Maybe she is buzy with work school Or wants to have time to herself.... Dont want the drama or feeling like She has to check in with a boyfriend Everyday If you respect her you will let her do Whats best for her.... And stop thinking of your own needs for once He/She will make time He/She will want the drama He/She will want to check For someone other than you in a week or two. That is all we are saying.
charlietheginger Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 He/She will make time He/She will want the drama He/She will want to check For someone other than you in a week or two. That is all we are saying. It really does not matter at this point She said she dont want a relationship The op should respect her wishes It's not her fualt guys find her attractive Now is it ? We dont know the reasons But many people fresh out of a ltr Dont want to rush or get back into one anytime soon
phineas Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 My advice...and I think this is really gutsy/manly...tell her why you're leaving. Don't just vanish, but let her know the next time she wants to hang or what not that you can't keep going like this. You told her how you felt, she obviously doesn't want that, but you feel you can't be "just friends" with her. She might get angry or give you flack. Stand your ground. She's only throwing a fit because you didn't accept the crumbs off her table. Honestly, unless she is legitimately retarded she knows why he disappeared. 9/10 times a woman knows what she needs to do to get a man's attention & keep it. Well, at least the types of men that make her panties wet. Like you, I learned to stop wasting my time on woman who had nothing to offer me & my quality of life improved immensely. Not just my dating life. I remember wasting a whole winter on a chick that bailed on me with the "I don't want a relationship" line then immediately updated all the pictures on her POF profile. Had I given her the boot after a few weeks instead agreed to "take it slow so she could build a connection" I could of potentially found someone that was actually interested in me. Or had the time to get my kitchen cabinets painted. LOL!
phineas Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I should have re-read your post grkBoy. I see what you're saying now. I actually think that is a good idea, but I'm still going to give myself about a week to fully think all of this through. Anela, you pretty much said exactly what I was thinking when I started thinking about how to handle this. But how would you approach my situation? I don't want to hurt her, that's something I would never want to be responsible for. But if I stick around long enough I might find myself getting hurt worse like other people mentioned before. I'm so lost If you ever found out about her dating history i'm willing to bet that every horrible relationship that ended badly started up withing a month or two of the previous one ending badly. At least, this is timeline i've seen with women like this. an example, dated a woman who claimed she was afraid of getting hurt. Her past two relationships were: Live in BF was violent & she kicked him out. 3 months later she was with a new guy & 7 months later pregnant & him moving in. He decided to bail & 2yrs later she met me but was "afraid of getting hurt" & "afraid of losing me" ect... She kept dangling that sex carrot in front of me & I basically called her a dick-tease & told her good-bye. The reality was, I was too fat for her & she was sleeping with one of her ex's. The funny thing is when I got my ass in shape she all of sudden wanted to "catch-up". Too bad she had packed it on. no thank you.
grkBoy Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Honestly, unless she is legitimately retarded she knows why he disappeared. 9/10 times a woman knows what she needs to do to get a man's attention & keep it. Well, at least the types of men that make her panties wet. Like you, I learned to stop wasting my time on woman who had nothing to offer me & my quality of life improved immensely. Not just my dating life. I remember wasting a whole winter on a chick that bailed on me with the "I don't want a relationship" line then immediately updated all the pictures on her POF profile. Had I given her the boot after a few weeks instead agreed to "take it slow so she could build a connection" I could of potentially found someone that was actually interested in me. Or had the time to get my kitchen cabinets painted. LOL! I just think too many men and women in this position will quickly claim/believe the person who just cut them off is a selfish snob who is angry because they got rejected. Look at all the times women come here and elsewhere asking "Why can't guys just be happy as friends???" Sometimes people need the cold water in the face. I'm not expecting nev22's girl or any of these people to come around and give it a try...but more to "get it" that they can't have their cake and eat it too. 1
FitChick Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 We dont know the reasons But many people fresh out of a ltr Dont want to rush or get back into one anytime soon That is true of most newly divorced or separated people. You could be Mr or Miss Right but they just can't deal with anything at the moment because they are still healing emotionally and often financially. That's better than having them immediately go into another relationship out of loneliness and then bail on you after they feel better about themselves, having used your shoulder to cry on. You can meet the right person at the wrong time.
mortensorchid Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 When people say that they do not want a relationship, it means that they do not want one with you. Maybe it really is a bad time for her as she may or may not be reeling from the last one. Maybe she's just telling you no in a lame way. Whatever the case may be, she is not willing to be with you for some reason. It's best just to move on. Unfriending? Well, we all do it. It depends on the situation, but if it's too painful to see her and a new bf or just her doing things together and having those posts of "Oh I love you so much! I'm on this ride of life with you!, etc." be on your feed, then by all means unfriend. Selfish? Well, yes it is. But your mental health is more important than that nonsense.
Mrlonelyone Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 It really does not matter at this point She said she dont want a relationship The op should respect her wishes It's not her fualt guys find her attractive Now is it ? We dont know the reasons But many people fresh out of a ltr Dont want to rush or get back into one anytime soon No one is saying that he shouldn't respect that she does not want a relationship, with him. We are just warning the OP that he should not be shocked if she isn't in a relationship with someone else in a very short time.
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