acapelo_dp Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 So, a little background. I started dating my friend officially 6 months ago. He lives 2 hours away and is finishing up his final year at university while I just graduated university this past May and am currently working in my hometown. With my work schedule we see each other about every week and a half - two weeks at the very most, so it's not too bad except with my work I am on call as a casual so it makes it more difficult because I could get a call being 2 hours away. Things have been a bit rocky lately. Firstly, he has generalized anxiety disorder, can't deal with his emotions very well, and he has trouble discussing issues in our relationship and usually he will either cry uncontrollably or yell if I attempt to discuss something that upsets me. Not always, but if he feels it is his fault he will react that way. Anyways, two days ago we got into an argument and he yelled at me and I told him to talk to me when he was calmed down. The next day we talk, and he told me he dropped some courses and will have to stay at university an extra year. Now, here is the problem. This is news to me, since he told me he was doing very well in school so far. The plan we had was that he was going to finish up this year, move in with me in my hometown, and go to school here for teaching. He seemed so excited before and this plan was set in stone until I surprisingly get this news out of nowhere. To say the least I'm extremely hurt and disappointed that he didn't talk to me about this before hand, that he was stressed out. I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said "I'm not making you happy and this isn't fair, but I don't want to lose you" anyways we decided to stay together for now. The problem now is that I don't see a future. I don't see a closure of the distance gap. I've been in a LDR for 5 years before this relationship, and I got into this relationship knowing it was going to be long distance but reassured that the distance gap was going to be closed and we could be together. I just don't see how this can mature and I am not going to leave my job to move to his hometown, I just got a second job that is great for my field. I'm supposed to visit him in a few days, and I'm not sure whether to break up with him or not. I really love him and I am going to be completely heartbroken if it ends, but now there is no future in sight for me..I can't see how it can progress. I just need some advice I guess.
brighterthansunshine Posted November 15, 2012 Posted November 15, 2012 Hello. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, and hope I could help you out a little bit. I know quite a great deal about long-distance relationships AND anxiety disorders. Way back in 2010, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I lived with. Our relationship was going well, and then I developed a great deal of anxiety accompanied by panic attacks. Not only does this affect the person afflicted by it, but affects their relationship with surrounding people. For quite some time, my then-boyfriend couldn't even deal with me because of the anxiety. I'd cry, lash out, and have all sorts of "weird" behaviors because of the anxiety. Whenever he has an "episode" to where he freaks out or cries, just remind him that you are there for him. Anxiety is something that often times cannot be controlled. It's there. We don't want it to be there, but it is. We don't want for it to hurt those we love the most, but it does. In terms of the extra schooling/inability to move sooner than you expected, that is completely your call. If you truly love this person and WANT to make it work, you might have to sacrifice for a little longer in order for it to work out. Long-distance relationships are tough, I know, but they CAN be successful if both parties maintain their patience. On the other hand, if you cannot see a future with this person whatsoever, don't drag it on any longer. However, as I mentioned, this is completely up to you. I'd really think about it for some time before you do make a decision, though! And good luck!
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 18, 2012 Author Posted November 18, 2012 Hello. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, and hope I could help you out a little bit. I know quite a great deal about long-distance relationships AND anxiety disorders. Way back in 2010, I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I lived with. Our relationship was going well, and then I developed a great deal of anxiety accompanied by panic attacks. Not only does this affect the person afflicted by it, but affects their relationship with surrounding people. For quite some time, my then-boyfriend couldn't even deal with me because of the anxiety. I'd cry, lash out, and have all sorts of "weird" behaviors because of the anxiety. Whenever he has an "episode" to where he freaks out or cries, just remind him that you are there for him. Anxiety is something that often times cannot be controlled. It's there. We don't want it to be there, but it is. We don't want for it to hurt those we love the most, but it does. In terms of the extra schooling/inability to move sooner than you expected, that is completely your call. If you truly love this person and WANT to make it work, you might have to sacrifice for a little longer in order for it to work out. Long-distance relationships are tough, I know, but they CAN be successful if both parties maintain their patience. On the other hand, if you cannot see a future with this person whatsoever, don't drag it on any longer. However, as I mentioned, this is completely up to you. I'd really think about it for some time before you do make a decision, though! And good luck! Thank you so much for your reply, it really helped. That is what my boyfriend is currently suffering, he has panic attacks and anxiety. When he feels anxious he will usually cry. If I try and talk about a subject that is upsetting for him and he feels upset/anxious he will completely explode, yell, cry and break down it's actually really sad and upsetting for me. I always tell him I'm there for him and hug him when this happens. Things have gotten a bit worse since the post. He made plans to come see me Thursday night, we texted all day long saying how excited we were to see one another. He arrives, I get in the car and he says "We need to talk. I'm not happy anymore, I haven't been for weeks. I don't think we're meant for each other" so he breaks up with me, I get out of the car, he leaves, and I basically break down. I begged him to come back so we could talk. So we start our journey to his place (he is about 2 hours away) and we begin to talk and I start crying asking if he loved me. He said he hasn't felt the same for weeks. I asked why and he completely lost it screaming "I don't know!" crying, etc. He had to pull over on the highway and call his parents. They met him at his apartment. It was a quiet drive. When we arrived he went to go talk to his parents and when he came back he seemed calm. He said he WAS happy with me and that he was sorry for hurting me. Of course, I was skeptical because you don't just break up with someone for no reason. He said he has been extremely stressed with school, he can't handle stress well and we've been fighting a bit. We decided to be friends I guess, though I was still upset. We had sex. We were going to sleep when I started crying and I told him I wanted to make this work, that I was his partner and lover and I am here for him, and I suggested he go to counseling and he agreed. The next day things were wonderful. He said he was truly sorry and that he did love me a lot, and that he wanted to be with me and he was really happy he was on the road to recovery. Things the past few days have been good, but inside I am still very hurt. I'm afraid this is going to happen everytime he gets stressed out, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It's so sad because he used to be such a happy person and I'm afraid IM the one who made him this unhappy Even though he says he made a huge mistake I can't help but think deep down he really does want to break up... Advice?
Author acapelo_dp Posted November 24, 2012 Author Posted November 24, 2012 New Update: A week later I drove 2 hours to visit him, baked him cookies, made him supper, spent the night with him. In the morning he said he felt down and was only with me because he was afraid to hurt me. So we are now broken up and I am heartbroken. I just needed to get that out to someone.
Recommended Posts