kaylan Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Id freeze some eggs if you are so worried about time running out. 33 isnt young for children, but its still not the end of the line either. Do some research on fertility and age. 33 isnt the end of the life, but you are right to show some concern.
mysteryscape Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 I think you should give it a shot. But don't waste 3 years on it, a possibility raised by someone else. Find out fairly soon if he's marriage and family minded. If not, move on. But if he is, he should be fairly sure in a year more or less if you are for him. He is going to be well aware that time is running out for BOTH of you. Furthermore, he's not going to have that many other opportunities to be with a 33 year old potential wife and mother. It's not like he's going to be one of those 30 year old male adolescents who won't commit after 6 years. And if he is, as I say, move on fast. I'm really amazed at the kneejerk negativity of so many Americans to sizable age differences. I wouldn't let it deter me, if I were you. Good luck to you, and hope to hear what you decide to do.
kaylan Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 (edited) OP, Adoption is always an option (rhyme lol). I know its not ideal...but you could have that family without forcing yourself to potentially marry the wrong guy. Id personally rather adopt and be with the woman of my dreams, than to settle and be with someone I dont truly belong with all for the sake of doing things biologically. Adoption helps out children in need, so its great imo. I mean, you could always use a surrogate with the frozen eggs too, if you arent able to do it yourself. Id do this before adoption, because having my kids be my flesh and blood is important too. However, going through pregnancy and childbirth may be important to you....but im just giving options. If you do go surrogate, you get a kid thats biologically yours, and without all the hormonal changes and body changes that go with pregnancy that are usually permanent. I'm really amazed at the kneejerk negativity of so many Americans to sizable age differences. I wouldn't let it deter me, if I were you. Good luck to you, and hope to hear what you decide to do. We are being realistic about the disadvantages that dating someone much older can present. Ive seen these problems with my own eyes. Its very possible it leads to an unhappy marriage, and some of us dont think having kids balances out being unhappily married. Edited November 13, 2012 by kaylan
mysteryscape Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 All that reproductive technology -- frozen eggs, surrogates, etc. etc. -- is just fine -- surrogate even a plus because it doesn't mess with your hormonal balance -- but marrying a somewhat older man is weird and creepy!
mysteryscape Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 OP, We are being realistic about the disadvantages that dating someone much older can present. Ive seen these problems with my own eyes. Its very possible it leads to an unhappy marriage, and some of us dont think having kids balances out being unhappily married. As far as I know, what research there is shows that May-December marriages are no more or less happy than other marriages. It can lead to an unhappy marriage? You mean there are no unhappy marriages between people of similar ages? Is that why half of them end in divorce? Is that why nearly half of babies are born into a situation with no legal father at all?
Author iris219 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) OP, Adoption is always an option (rhyme lol). I know its not ideal...but you could have that family without forcing yourself to potentially marry the wrong guy. Id personally rather adopt and be with the woman of my dreams, than to settle and be with someone I dont truly belong with all for the sake of doing things biologically. Adoption helps out children in need, so its great imo. I have nothing against adoption, but I've looked into it and it's a very difficult process. Healthy infants are hard to find and very expensive to adopt. I would adopt now, but a married couple would be preferred over a single woman. It would be nearly impossible to adopt a child under 3 from America. In order to adopt internationally (and some countries won't allow single women to do so), you have to visit the country for up to 6 weeks at a time, which I couldn't afford to. Bottom line, adoption is a very long, drawn out, difficult, sometimes impossible process, unless you're willing to take a child with special needs (some of which may be severe). Edited November 14, 2012 by iris219
carhill Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Come on carhill. Clint Eastwood is rich, and its obvious why that woman is with him. I dont think OP is seeking a man who simply pays the bills despite being close to the end of his life, and possibly not as physically attractive as shed like. We cant compare Hollywood to real life. OP runs the risk of raising kids alone, or raising kids and caring for an elderly husband. I could share similar anecdotes from my social circle but that would reveal personally identifiable information. 'Regular folks' do this kind of stuff every day, though surely not as commonly as the 'traditional' paths of relationships. Using Clint and Dina as example, he could live to see grandchildren from his youngest daughter and Dina could die next year from ovarian cancer. Anything is possible. His wealth merely provides a comfortable lifestyle while the rest of life plays out. OP, question. What do you know about this man's relationship history? I ask because of one, history is a great indicator of one's base style of prosecuting relationships and, two, if he were, for example, recently divorced like I am, he could indeed be in a disadvantaged financial position and lack the security to handle the demands of being a new father, if your timeline and desires for children are relatively immediate. IMO, while 'getting to know', if that does happen, assess this practically, in line with your realistic desires for a relationship/LTR/M. If he's compatible, that. If not, that. Good luck. 1
Author iris219 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 OP, question. What do you know about this man's relationship history? I ask because of one, history is a great indicator of one's base style of prosecuting relationships and, two, if he were, for example, recently divorced like I am, he could indeed be in a disadvantaged financial position and lack the security to handle the demands of being a new father, if your timeline and desires for children are relatively immediate. I know very little about this man, other than he's divorced. I don't know for how long. Worrying about children and marriage is unrealistic at this point because we know almost nothing about each other. We just have some sort of obvious mutual interest that appears when we run into one another. Recently, he's started seeking me out.
ilovedhim Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 If the work thing doesn't bother you and you find him attractive, I see no reason why you wouldn't atleast go on a few dates with him. Otherwise you will never really know. The worst that could happen is you become friends. And to everyone else 50 really isn't that old anymore. ...geez its 2012! People stay fit and healthy much more than in the past. 2
veggirl Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Does he have kids already? If you wanna go on a date with him, go. But ask the tough questions sooner rather than later so you don't waste your time.
ilovedhim Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I also want to add that a man that age will most likely know right away if he wants to get married and have children, not sure if he already has any? I find they play less games, lie less and generally treat women much better than 30 year olds. 1
Gold Pile Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Why not go out and have fun? maybe it's just a nice meal. Maybe it's a romp or 3 in the bedroom. So he's not your future husband, just a guy you had good times with.
mesmerized Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 It seems to me like you want to accept it out of desperation as you've said over and over you don't meet any single man. If you have no other option go for it.
mysteryscape Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I also want to add that a man that age will most likely know right away if he wants to get married and have children, not sure if he already has any? I find they play less games, lie less and generally treat women much better than 30 year olds. the point I was making above. Not only will he know what he wants, he won't take years making up his mind if she has it. My guess is within a year.
carhill Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 OP, as an example, if I were in a similar situation with a lady your age, in support of ilovedhim's assertion, I'd be clear with her that I indeed do love children and would be willing to take on the responsibilities of parenthood, as well as share my concerns about the capital aspects relevant to my divorce. No need for specific numbers/anecdotes but rather a clear communication of intent/perspective. I think you'll find men of his age to be similar, if my peers are any example. Most people, my age anyway, cover this stuff while getting to know each other, generally by dating if they don't already know each other due to social interaction, hence my suggestion to accept his invitation/invite him and see how it goes.
mysteryscape Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 We just have some sort of obvious mutual interest that appears when we run into one another. Recently, he's started seeking me out. mutual interest, not desperation!
FitChick Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 If the OP were really that concerned about marriage and children, why not move to a place with more prospects? Isn't it a bit like complaining there are no good jobs but not bothering to look elsewhere? 2
mesmerized Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 If the OP were really that concerned about marriage and children, why not move to a place with more prospects? Isn't it a bit like complaining there are no good jobs but not bothering to look elsewhere? Not all people have the guts to make decisions like that and they will have to deal with the consequences, such as having to settle for someone very different than what they wanted.
carhill Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 If her job isn't portable and/or is impacted by the currently vacillating economy, survival trumps romance, IMO. I faced a similar circumstance back when her age, with a thriving business that was very locally rooted. Pulling up stakes would have been financial suicide and no way would I have done that merely to find better romantic prospects, and they sucked pretty badly around here. Romance is great but being practical is also healthy.
threebyfate Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Should I go out with my 55 year old coworker? I’m hesitant to because of the age difference (I’m 33) and because we work together. Would you go for it?No, he's too old for you. Imagine trying to raise teenagers with a 70-something year old. You'll be on your own. 1
Author iris219 Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 If the OP were really that concerned about marriage and children, why not move to a place with more prospects? Isn't it a bit like complaining there are no good jobs but not bothering to look elsewhere? I can't move. I'm not independently wealthy. I have to have a job and there are very few full-time positions in my field in this country. Also, I love my job, I love my friends, I love my house, I love this town. My life is pretty close to perfect except when it comes to dating. Also, I'm not convinced it's that much better in other places. I have friends who live in major cities around the US and they tell me there are no single men there either. I think it's my age group. A good friend of mine moved to Seattle and she almost never dates because she doesn't meet single men (and she's a beautiful scientist). When I've traveled this year I didn't meet one single men whatsoever. The 30s are a terrible age to be single.
FitChick Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 (edited) I can't move. I'm not independently wealthy. I have to have a job and there are very few full-time positions in my field in this country. How about other countries? Be adventurous! Try online dating specifying you would never move but are looking for a man who wants a change of scenery and a new adventure himself. One thing to consider is that at his age he is likely to be laid off from work. At the very least, he will retire in ten years and you will be supporting him and the kids. Edited November 14, 2012 by FitChick
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I was going to suggest that you move.... But after reading the last posts regarding moving, well... it is YOUR choice. Do you want to be perpetually single? It sounds like you either have to move, or stay single forever. Why not try applying EVERYWHERE for a full time job in your field? What are you prepared to do, to start dating again?
carhill Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 OP, I understand and completely support your concerns about employment opportunities but could almost guarantee you that, if you moved to any of the coastal major metro areas in California, you'd be single and looking for a week or less. If you wish to test my assertion, merely take a vacation out here and spend some time in those locales. As some LS'ers call it, a sausage-fest 2
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