Ghisop Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 Uggg I just wrote my whole story and it didnt post!!! Grrrr short version. He says he likes me a lot and loves spending time with me and wants to see where it goes. We are sleeping together and it's exclusive- but he def hasn't committed to me. It's been 6 months and we have progressed a lot. We started out as friends and then starting hooking up- its seemed to be going really well... Then he drops the " I like you, let's see where this goes but I don't know what my level of seriousness is yet, and I'd like to find out" I'm wondering if this is just bs
veggirl Posted November 13, 2012 Posted November 13, 2012 6 months? Yes that is MAJOR bulls.hit. What does it mean that you are exclusive but still "seeing where it goes" ? Is he your boyfriend? How long does he intend on taking to "see where it goes" before he committs? I would ask him that. Vague BS answers not accepted! How have you put up with this for 6 months? IMO if people are seeing one another regularly and having sex, it's like 2, maybe 3 months max to become an official couple. Why would you need longer? You either like each other and want to explore a relationship OR you want to keep your options open (he sounds like the latter). Not cool, I wouldn't be someone's kinda maybe sorta but not really girl for 6 dang months!
Author Ghisop Posted November 13, 2012 Author Posted November 13, 2012 I haven't put up with it for the entire 6 months- that's a little misleading. We work together and started messing around after nights of drinking. That was the 6 month point - we then start sleeping together - all still being "buddies". We even talked about just being friends and sleeping together. Then it turns into weekend day trips and going to the movies - that's been about 3 months. I'm thinking great he's my boyfriend.... Wrong! If you look at where we started in those 6 months it has progressed a lot, but now it's like I feel that was a total cop out. If you don't want a relationship with me fine.. I'm not some spring chicken that can wait around for you to figure it out, just be honest. I guess there is a reason he is 30 and not married, and I'm figuring it out
clia Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I'm confused. You said it was exclusive, but then you said he's not your boyfriend and is not committed. Which is it? Did you have a conversation with him about being exclusive or did you just assume it? You cannot assume exclusivity. And if you did--that isn't his fault.
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 We talked about being exclusive. We have unprotected sex because I am on the pill- we talked seriously about being honest and how being with other people is just dangerous behavior. So we are exclusive. But this is what confuses me... There is a difference between being exclusive and being committed .. Or is there ? So right now- he's exclusive , he says he likes me a lot and loves spending time with me but he doesn't know "his serious level yet". He says he wants to find out. I'm just thinking he might have commitment issues. He fine with being exclusive and spending the weekend with me being lovey and couplely...but then goes on to say that he doesn't know his serious level.
clia Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 I don't think there is any difference between being exclusive and being committed. I also think it's totally normal that he is now exploring the seriousness of his feelings for you. Isn't that what people do when they get involved? His feelings may or may not get more serious and deeper for you as time goes by. The good news is that he has agreed to be exclusive to figure that out! What more do you want from him at this point? 1
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 You are wasting your time. Congratulations for coming here though; you obviously want to learn and understand how men think, and you do not want to settle for a man who is not into you. I can 100% guarantee that this man is not remotely into you. After 6 months, just about all men will KNOW by this stage, if they have strong feelings for a girl, and want to make a committment. This man is either: -lying to you; he knows full well by now how he feels ( about 90% or MORe of men WILL know how they feel after 6 months!) - he is among the 10% of men who are clueless how they feel after 6 months; he is not into you but really likes you, but does not have the emotional intelligence to REALISE how he feels!
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 It is very common for a man to love spending time with you, but to only like you as a friend who he enjoys having sex with. Either accept this arrangement or move on and find a guy who REALLY likes you, in a true, romantic sence. It is not all bad news! This guy may really like you as a friend and think highly of you. Therefore, you have a friend! I advise you do spend less or NO time doing anything with him until your over your feelings.
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 Hah- you are very right. I know i need to relax or I will drive him away. I think my problem may be that I am psycho- haha. But every relationship I have been in Has been all or nothing. We date for two months and are in love and planning on moving in. Obviously this has not worked out for me at all, but this slow moving ( aka normal) way of dating is driving me insane. Luckily I at least know I am crazy and keep that to myself. I am very insecure and intimidated by this guy because he is the first non-loser I have dated. He is educated has a good job and comes from a great family. All of the other guys have been beneath me ( I don't mean that in a arrogant, better looking way- rather the guys always had some drama.) - I have just always dated guys where I was the better catch, maybe it made me feel more secure.
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Well, there are guys out there who would be thrilled to be with you. Try not to be to picky though; if a guy can make an honest living and connect with you and you enjoy being around them - do not let them not having a degree put you off. Just keep on living life and remember; it is better to be single than to settle for a man who is not 100% crazy about you!
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 I don't think he's lying - He's not that type at all. Before when we were drunk making out- he had no issues saying it was just a friend situation. I get the feeling more that he may have very little relationship experience. Which still is a waste of my time,
veggirl Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Wait what, you need to relax? There is a middle ground between moving in with each other after 2 months and dating / sleeping together / hanging out for 6 months w/ NO committment. That middle ground is what is "normal". If he was interested in anything more than FWB, you would KNOW by now, esp since you have brought it up.
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 My boyfriend had no relationship experience either. He wanted to travel the world in fact, single, and not get into anything too serious. But two years later he is still with me, because he is happier this way than being without me. And trust me: my boyfriend does not win any medal for "boyfriend of the year" either, given the way he treated me at first.... But even guys like him can want to settle down and be with a girl seriously, if he wants to badly enough. Without any force from the girls part.
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 That's the hard part - not forcing it. We are def not fwb. We did start that way - - and i don't think either expected it to be more. We have both said this is more then friends who hook up- that much is agreed on. We both know we like and care about each other and want to spend more time together. It's very hard though to just let things happen - or if it's even worth waiting to see what happens. I don't need a ring on my figure or anything, but some idea that he could see this having a future
NoMoreJerks Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Uggg I just wrote my whole story and it didnt post!!! Grrrr short version. He says he likes me a lot and loves spending time with me and wants to see where it goes. We are sleeping together and it's exclusive- but he def hasn't committed to me. It's been 6 months and we have progressed a lot. We started out as friends and then starting hooking up- its seemed to be going really well... Then he drops the " I like you, let's see where this goes but I don't know what my level of seriousness is yet, and I'd like to find out" I'm wondering if this is just bs The bull**** level is high on this one.... cut him loose. Beyond the 3-month threshold I expect someone to know whether he's serious or not.
snowflakes88 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Another vote for "waste of time." A set-up like this will probably only end when he meets a woman he really wants to be with and cuts you off to pursue her.
NoMoreJerks Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 We talked about being exclusive. We have unprotected sex because I am on the pill- we talked seriously about being honest and how being with other people is just dangerous behavior. So we are exclusive. Oh God... don't tell me you believed that line..... For your own health, start using condoms ASAP. And get checked for STDs. I wouldn't trust any man's word (especially not someone who openly states he doesn't know if he's serious with you) that he is sexually exclusive with me. Yes, there is a difference between exlusivity and commitment, IMO. You can be exclusive (not seeing/looking for anyone else), but not commit to someone. But while we know that he is not committed, there is no evidence that he is exclusive either. Or is there ? So right now- he's exclusive , he says he likes me a lot and loves spending time with me but he doesn't know "his serious level yet". He says he wants to find out. I'm just thinking he might have commitment issues. He fine with being exclusive and spending the weekend with me being lovey and couplely...but then goes on to say that he doesn't know his serious level. This guy is not serious, for whatever reason, and will never "be" serious, at least not with you. My ex was like this -- sure, he was perfectly fine spending almost every day of the week with me, etc. , but he didn't want any of the "baggage" that comes with a relationship. He wanted the benefits of the friendship (company, sex), but not the responsibilities of a relationship. Get out of this before it's too late and before you are hurt (either emotionally or physically or both).
NoMoreJerks Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 That's the hard part - not forcing it. We are def not fwb. We did start that way - - and i don't think either expected it to be more. We have both said this is more then friends who hook up- that much is agreed on. We both know we like and care about each other and want to spend more time together. It's very hard though to just let things happen - or if it's even worth waiting to see what happens. I don't need a ring on my figure or anything, but some idea that he could see this having a future It IS a FWB... you don't have to call it that for it to be that.I was in a FWB without knowing it. I pushed him to "define" our "relationship", and he avoided the talk for some time, kept saying he wasn't sure yet about a "serious" relationship (the other word he used was "full-time relationship"), etc., and then when I kept pressuring him to have that talk, he said he thought of it as a FWB arrangement, and asked, "what's wrong with that?"
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 We def had that talk. He initiated that - I am a firm believer that a guy should be the one to talk about that stuff. As far as the sex goes, we talked about it and both got texted together - I trust him as far as that goes completely. He's not a liar in any sense - i do believe I lf he thought we were just friends he would say it. He has told me that he gets confused because I never talk about my feelings - but i guess that's because I don't want to force someone to define things - I would rather have that happen because he wants it.
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 I'm not ready to give up yet - but I will say that i think i need to keep my option ls open.. If I meet someone else then I should cut things off and explore someone who doesn't have commitment issues.
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Okay Okay, there are tricky situations... I'll tell you about my predicament: I have had a boyfriend of two years, but it took about 7 months to call achother bf and girlfriend. He did not like to label things at first. He hated labels, he said. It was too controlling, and he preferd to just let life happen. I just assumed we would continue to "see" each other, and see where it goes. Nothing more, nothing less. After the second or third date, I was like " so, are we just friends that have sex or what? He said " I thought we had something special" For the first 5 ot 6 months though, he did not want to put a label on us, he just wanted us to "be". He stated that he wanted to continue to travel the world ASAP, ALONE, and was not after anything serious. ............. He was not the best boyfriend at first, but then again; he never SAID he wanted to be my boyfriend. I was very confident I had a lot of options with men if he lost interest, and was not that concerned. Also - he did not bring me to hang out with his mates. His friends used to make fun of him for HAVING a "girlfriend"..... When they started to find out about him seeing a girl! Because they were sooo used to him NEVER having a "girlfriend". Then eventually, things changed. It was too obvious that we were together, living together, sleeping together most nights, that he just took me out to meet his friends, and referred to me as his girlfriend. Now I am well known as " Andrew's girlfriend". We just took a good while to get to this stage.
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 In most cases, guys who act like my boyfriend and YOUR guy act like, are not at all into the girl; mostly, when a guy does not want to make you his girlfriend early on, they are just not into you. In 98% of cases it is true, but there are the minority of men out there, who are into a girl, who do not want to be with other girls, yet do not want to put a label on your relationship. How does this guy make you feel? Did he recently have any trauma in his life that might make him shut off to people? Lastly, is he totally over his ex? My boyfriend recently lost his mother less than a year before meeting me, who he was extremely close to, and his friends said he closed off after this event. He also lost his best friend and girl he really, really felt for, who he met through travelling the world, and who just stopped talking to him due to being busy with her masters degree. He said he always felt a special connection with me, but I was mentally very strange (I was anorexic and had been socially isolated before we met) so it was hard to be totally sure about things at first, despite out connection. He said he really liked me, but did not know me well enough to jump into his first adult relationship, especially given his mother recently died and he was planning to travel the world as a young and single man. Still to this day, says it is not his style to tALK about relationships, but to rather just let them be. Maybe your friend is like my boyfriend? Not the type to get serious with a girl until he REALLY loves them?
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 I dont think he has an ex he's not over. For lack of better words he is pretty nerdy and I dont think he's had a lot of relationship experience. So the whole player idea doesn't really apply here. I honestly thought this was a friend with benifits thing at first. Then he kept being more affectionate and tellin me how much he liked me. He says he sucks at defining things. He's ok saying "your my girl" but gifriend seems to serious. I don't know of any trauma. But I do know his parents are older - they got married older and didn't have him until they were 35. We are both 30- maybe that plays into it??
Leigh 87 Posted November 14, 2012 Posted November 14, 2012 Hmm, okay then. I doubt his parents situation account for NEVER agreeing to be your bf, though. In the end, if he cares enough and has true feelings for you, he will change JUST to make you happy. My boyfriend once said, before the lab Does he treat you like he is your boyfriend? - Does he call and/or text most days? Or does he dissappear occasionally for days at a time with no contact? -Has he ever said he missed you? Just your company, not the sex? (like " I miss you, wish we could hug in bed right now") - After some time, he should want to introduce you to his friends and family. - Does he go out of his way to see you and do nice things for you, that do not end in sex? - He should want to spend Christmas with you after about a year together, and also spend your birthdays together
Author Ghisop Posted November 14, 2012 Author Posted November 14, 2012 I think that is why I am confused in this situation. He acts like my boyfriend. When we were sleeping together for awhile and I was thinking it was a friends with benifits situation i got sick and told him I wasn't up for anything, but he still wanted to come over and watch movies and sleep at my house. That was kind of the turning point. We started going on dates, texting every day ( we work together as well so we are always together). We hold hands and have pet names and all that stuff. So it's just weird
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